Not easy just to go

I want to though. I am so tired and really don't want this any more. I have worked hard and learn stuff (despite what people think) but it will make no difference no matter what I learnt or how I have changed. I annoy my family when I get ill, services aren't interested really, I get frustrated and unstable, sometimes out of control, sometimes angry... and mostly people want me to just get it over with.

I set a date but I can't because I have things to sort out first. I also feel guilty, like I should stay until my parent has gone but I really don't want to I am mostly just a dysfunctional burden anyway.

I never thought it would get to the point where I lost everything and I can't bear the thought of staying alive any more. I have not lived a good life but always thought it was part of a process & lesson and at the end I would be the person I was happy with and consequently be happy.

It was all just a waste of time.

Sorry, just feel a bit tearful and wanted to moan

Sometimes moaning helps me, I hope it has brought you a bit of relief. You are right to consider the feelings of others, for a parent the biggest fear is that of losing a child.

I always try to hold on to the idea that one day I'll see life isn't just a waste of time, it is hard though.

Keep moaning because while you are here, you are among friends.

Hello silver tree: I haven't seen your posts before so I don't know anything about your situation. Please excuse me. It seems to me what I'm reading in your post is depression writing. I also sense that some, if not most, of your unhappiness has to do with how you feel you are affecting your family... or at least how they're reacting you.

Do you see a therapist? It seems to me, just from what I've read here, there are some things you might benefit from talking with a therapist about. Or, if that isn't possible, might there be someone here on PC you could correspond with via Personal Messaging?

I understand you feel hopeless. But, with effort & support, this can be turned around. Please reach out for help & support in whatever way works for you.

Thank you for answering TheOriginalMe.

I wouldn't say I ever feel amongst friends really but it's a kind thing to say.

I think my family would be fine for me to go, but I feel concerned for my parent's future. I don't want my parent to die alone and in poverty I want to go knowing they will be secure. I am very torn.

The thought of this going on and on is an awful thought though. My whole life I have never been happy but I always felt it was worth working through. Not for 3 years now though.

My life has been a waste of time. It's not worth it any more, that's a fact.

thank you again x

Hello skeezyks and thank you for your answer.

I think I feel ready now and my family have accepted it. I think long term I will be a great burden to them and so for all concerned it is better.

The reasons for not wanting this are very complicated.

I am supposed to start therapy soon, but I don't think they care much and I struggle to talk and so just ramble mostly. I feel it is about letting go of hurt and taking full responsibility for all I am (good and bad) and working on that, and I do try to do that on my own, and have brake throughs. Trouble is, even after that, life is there to brake you down and hurt you. I don't want that any more, as much as I may deserve it.

Maybe just ignore me. I know it's the right decision, just feel down about it all tonight.

Thank you again xx

(((((((((((silver tree))))))))))))))))

Sorry you're so down. Can you spend time with your parent? Do some small kindness for him/her?
Aging parents do appreciate our attention so much more than any other time.

It may not be your time yet. As you said, your parent is your concern, and doubtless would be heartbroken if you let go. Perhaps it is your task to stay until they are gone.

Thinking of you, "my stranger", since I can't say "my friend". You are in my thoughts tonight especially. I hope to hear from you tomorrow.

Thank you NWgirl

I do spend time with my parent and love him a lot. He's not that old really. I think I do more damage than good tbh though I just want him settled and happy so I can go. I think about winning some lottery money a lot so I can make him secure and then go as soon as he's alright. Pathetic daydreaming.

Thank you for answering and I will still be here tomorrow *sinking feeling*

xx

((((((( silver tree ))))))))

I'm sorry you're so down. I can relate to some (much?) of what you say...

I don't know you very well, but I'd like to know you better (maybe that shows I haven't totally given up..)

"Services aren't interested really"

So often in this country we are "taught" (forced? ) to be polite and humble about the appallingly inadequate level of care and respect we are given. It is NOT good enough!

I'm sorry for ranting here, it just makes me so sad. When the family of origin don't care and the "services" simply repeat the abuse and platitudes, why do we continue to "exist" when they are unable or unwilling to offer adequate help? Grr

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find a way to live (I wish that for me too..)

PS I was meaning about my family of origin not caring.

I worry at this point about doing more harm than good to papa bear (not my parent). I fight every day to be a "better person" not "crippled" by depression, anxiety etc..... But I fear I "fail" and I hate it when I see him in any pain

He doesn't want me to go...(I don't have the means anyway :-( and knowing me I'd botch it :-( )

I'll also be here tomorrow

(sorry I probably shouldn't have written all this :-(. Your post struck a chord. Please don't hate me, everybody who reads this :-(

I have no answers for you, Silver Tree.
I have no judgment for you, either.
With Fuzzybear and all the others here I hope you find some way to remain and heal.
Even if it seems impossible, I wish you joy.

I understand that sometimes things seem overwhelming and unbearable and it can feel like a real desperate struggle to carry on. But you have to find courage and strength to be your own best guide and help yourself.

Thank you Rohag for your message. You sound like a nice person.

'courage and strength' I am not sure it's not just pointless stupidity tbh.

I don't want to struggle to carry on. I am not my own best guide. I am too tired to help myself.

Thank you to you creative for your answer x

I feel in a difficult place too. I personally can't trust or rely on professionals for help and support, so I've got to be the one to help keep me going. No one else knows what I've been experiencing. Its difficult to talk to people about how I feel too. I have had a lot of negative responses from others. I'm planning to go somewhere different in the short term to make a change hoping that will help me. That's what I'm really wanting freedom, and positive change.