[spaceid]

Been balancing happiness and depression/anxiety all week. Isn't good news supposed to make you happy? Instead I feel more dread than usual.

[Bark]

Busy day after busy day. Yesterday I stayed up all night supporting my friend in the ER and later in hospital, where I stayed the night. I tried to sleep, but I was hyper then cold then uncomfortable. I'm on a reclining chair. I went the day with maybe an hour of sleep, or less, I don't know. Class, work, organizing.... I'm thinking of spending the night again. I'm exhausted and tired.

I don't know what my mood is. It's been very inconsistent.

[Fuzzybear]

hello? fuzzybear to earth?

[aprillynn197]

I forgot what it felt like too

[Rose76]

All motivation was drained out of me today. I have to get beyond this.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm just trying to get by day by day. I am very afraid that I'll be stuck and depressed forever and I am holding on for the pdoc appointment. I don't want to build it up as there have been so many false starts for me, but I honestly don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work out. I had a hard day at work and I'm trying not to let that oppress me. I wish I could be more positive.

[waterknob1234]

Overall I have felt better lately for which I am thankful. Somehow today I felt a little sad and melancholy. I don't exactly know why. I was so tired and exhausted today. That may have had something to do with it. At work they had a party for one of our co-workers. I did not feel like "one of the group" at the party. I felt more like an outsider looking in. That was a lonely feeling. I like to come here to this site. I feel more like I belong here with all of you than with people irl.

I also was so tired this morning I could not get to work early like I usually do to start my work. I have extra duties in the morning that are expected of me now so I have to get to the office before everyone else to start.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Me & Mom are going to find a hotel room for a few days. Let Dad wonder where we are and think about the part he played in all of this.

Hotel plans are off...for now. Mom's reasoning: Why should we have to leave our own house for him? They're both drunk. Mom stayed with me in my room for most of the day, I listened to her rant. I really want to get high...
Sometimes I feel like life is a bad dream and I can't wake up.
Heh. I thought I was depressed before. That was mild compared to this.

[regretful]

I'm hopeful that this will get better...trying to stick with the admonition from my wife today who reminds me to look for the things for which to be thankful.

[gma45]

Having the worst pain I have had in my hands. It started yesterday and doesn't seem to be much better today. I am changing anti depression medication. I don't know if that has anything to do with it? It is strange because it is different than anything I have felt before.

[vital]

Feeling just wonderful. Enjoying the breezy fall evenings here. Looking forward to a trip to Chicago.

[hope2010]

It is noon, am sick, I opened my eyes at 10 am with panic attacks, sad thoughts, anxious, with the cold still and with my depression all over me, now drinking a cup of tea with lime and honey am just sad. Wishing that I have one morning like normal people, one morning when I don't have to push myself really hard to get up of bed, to clean out, make some tea, start another sick and empty day, no matter how much am doing, all hurts inside ...

I wish am normal today, but later I can't stop to wonder - What is being normal?

I wish I could go back to a week ago, before everything got irreversibly ****ed up. Mom is drunk and Dad's at work. I sat with drunk Mom ALL DAY yesterday and listened to her tell me the same stories again and again, about how Dad flirted with my aunt and tried to **** her. I didn't get a moment's peace until late last night. Even when she was out of the room yesterday, she used that time and took up with Dad again, so even on the rare times I had a few minutes alone I still had to hear them yell. Tonight will be the same way. I just now narrowly escaped back to my room with the laptop after sitting out with Mom for 3 straight hours hearing the same ****ing stories again. Meanwhile, I have no one to talk to about the way I'm feeling... no one cares about the pain I'm going through. At least Mom has someone to rant at all day long. I have to write my rants in a little book called a diary that no one will ever ****ing read or care about. I am completely alone. I know it's horrible, but I resent Mom for tying me to her, even though I'm on her side. I just wish I had someone, you know? I don't think either of my parents really love me. I used to doubt it before, but I guess it took something like this to happen for me to see the way **** really is.

[tokiwartooth]

I got back from a business trip to Nashville. It was ok, I learned quite a bit. But now I'm so tired. And I've had my ok days and my bad days as far as missing Ed goes. We're still connected on Facebook, but I think it would be awkward to see him in person now since I had given him the love letter before he left, even though he was cool with it.

[Bark]

My friend was discharged. I wasn't too happy about it, gave the med student my two cents over the phone, but what's done is done. Hoping for the best.

I was so tired I literally started falling asleep at the beginning of my class. I was half hallucinating. I spoke with my professor after class. We talked about my sleep in general as well. Decided I'd wait until after the midterm to see if I'd drop.

After that, I did the smart thing, or so I thought. I went to see the psych nurse and tell her that my tiredness was still a problem and, more importantly, that I was getting hyper. Hyper is nice, but stable is better. I figured my psychiatrist would probably reduce my dose. Maybe I'd get a sleep study done. She called me later. He is not going to change my medicine and I have to get psychotherapy. I've told him before that I was seeing someone. Anyway apparently he wants her to contact him (I told her a few weeks ago that he wanted to be kept abreast of how I was doing).

Now, I know I'm assuming, but I think he doesn't think meds will help me because I'm borderline (actually he has said both things separately, but I can't recall if in conjunction as well) and only psychotherapy will help. Well... meds have helped quite a bit in keeping me stable, and psychotherapy has helped a lot, and I'm still not seeing the borderline bit but I'm trying! I just don't identify with it. I think DBT sounds great for plenty of folks, not just borderline (I haven't done it myself).

In any case, I'd like to say my hypomania is Doctor Approved at this point. I did the responsible thing. Now I'll try to manage my food and sleep better and see how high I get. If only it didn't cycle in the same day... reminds me of my first psychotropic med, but that was worse.

[Rose76]

Trying to pull out of a downturn.

[Nammu]

Had a productive chat today with both the case worker and the pdoc. It's only the second time I've seen either of them and I'm pleasantly surprised how good they are for a community psych service. The quality of people has gone up a lot in the last 10 years or so that I had to use them. Gives me hope for the future of mental health services here.

I felt good for a few days, except some pain, I thought my mood was getting better.
My gp just gave me a weird look when I told him my heart flip flops, and walked out. The psych just lets me decide what I should do, and dosn't seem to care either.
My sons are ok, saw my older one today but he seems to be struggling too, I've seen him depressed and he isn't too good right now. Younger is getting a cold and I worry about entero virus, not sure if I spelled that right, he has asthma..... and my mother today was triggering me badly, she was sooooo rude about my younger son, I felt really really negative towards my mom today. I mean, who says to their grandson to shut up because they talk too much when he is just being happy to see his older brother? And she said "listening to you is boring, I wouldn't want to listen to you if you talk like that all the time"... he was laughing and having fun with his brother. My mom is the most insensitive negative person .....it reminded me of how she looked at me when I was a kid, with that same disgust in her eyes, an evil look, grinding her teeth like she wants to slap the **** out of him... sorry, vented

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm too calm right now, very detached. It is a relief not be sui or anxious but I think I'm closing down instead, putting all the painful things out of reach and withdrawing from living.

[flours]

it's been worse. haven't been crying more than once a day and only shortly. bit flat mostly. nothing is fun but I can endure life.
just keep having these moments of "it's not worth it, I want it to end" which are slightly disturbing.

I might manage. but I'm not sure.

[mulan]

My life is the worst.
There is no solution to fix it. I will have to live the rest of my life carring on my shoulders the wheight of everything I had live. I can be happy some times, but my social skills will always find a way of letting me down.

[tigerlily84]

Went through the interview today. I think it went okay. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but something tells me not to see my hopes too high. I'm exhausted.

[flours]

forget what I wrote last night.
I cannot endure this. it's all BS. I am miserable. I will never find a decent job. and if I don't want to be alone all the time I need to get a cat. but to afford a place big enough for a cat I need a decent job.

Are things going to be okay or not? At this point, I don't know.
My parents are both sober right now - first time they've both been sober in days. And they're not talking to each other. I wish they could work something out so life can go back to how it was before. But I'm aware that probably will never happen. I know Mom will never get over it. I just hope that Dad and my aunt are both very sorry.

I'm now more concentrating on physical pain, I don't know, somehow that distracts from everything else, and I am learning to be kinder to myself maybe? I'm thinking of things to make myself feel better, and I'm realizing life is short.
Ex's dad passed away. I feel strange that I can't be there for him. He didn't want my sympathy.. he has his very special gf to offer that, and it feels strange. 20 yrs with the man, I still care about him even though I put up with a lot of abuse.
My doc just stared at me when I said my heart flip flops, he said "it skips a beat".. got up and left, didn't say when to come back or anything.
I bought myself roses on sale, they'll be dead in less than a week but I treated myself.
I'm in pain and my son is yelling at me to make supper. He has gotten very rude and I know I need to get a handle on him.

Take care all, hugs all.