maybe this is the time time to go

I have nothing to offer, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Just hang in there. I have weird proportions too and my hands are too big but I still do manicures on myself. I'm kind of in the mood to try a new color I got called blackjack but then I'll have to take it off before an appointment in 10 days. 💅 😟

thank you so much for your support. it is a lot to me.
I thought it was just the right comment.
blackjack sounds as if I would like it a lot.

yesterday I was really bad. and I'm saying that having gone through months of severe depression before.
today started the same but now, in the evening I am slightly better and decided to write.
I couldn't do anything and was crying but mostly just like a miserable heavy stone that someone has thrown on my bed.

it is so funny how it can suddenly and profoundly make me see myself as the most horrible creature on earth and want myself to be gone just because of aversion!

You're a very nice person, flours! The self loathing is based in nothing at all because you're very pleasant and I think a genuinely good person, with a fine mind and heart! I hope you'll give yourself a break. Truly there is nothing wrong with you except the low self esteem issues. You remind me so much of me it's spooky. 👻 (Except I do have a ton of other issues.)

thanks a lot!

yeah, I don't know how to fix that.

Affirmations? I know it sounds corny but it can help.

I am sending you da big hug, Flours

I am always balancing between these extremes!
"everything is still possible, actually everything is fine" and
"all is lost, it's too late to change, I'm stuck like this forever"

little details can cause such a strong mood swing that lasts for days or until another little detail is changing it back. there is so little between fine/almost fine and deeply depressed/hopeless/self-hate.
it's just black and white. I'm like a light-switch. that's not normal, is it??

should there not be something in-between?
okay, now I am sort of in a low mood but not too bad. I am not really happy about anything but I can be comfortable, function and laugh about funny things. it's also no problem to make jokes myself and start some sort of activity. I think I am close to normal. so I would say I am on the good side now.
but the last two days were so so bad…!

it is like this with all these issues. if it looks like I can find a good job I am good. if I find out it doesn't happen I am bad. If I think I look good or am skilled at something I feel fine, if someone criticizes me I am bad. if there is any sign I can find a partner I am optimistic and if not I am not.

it's so simple. but not great. I can tell myself well everything is fine but if I see the slightest indication that it's not true but naive or delusional everything crashes.

I am trying to do things I want and take responsibility. I get this is the way to go. maybe this is some therapy effect? where I am supposed to try and deal with things not going my way?
...

Did you have a therapy session today? Sorry to hear you had a bad weekend (I know that's an understatement). Hopefully and ideally there should be a middle ground between polar extremes. Has your therapist said anything about seeing a psychiatrist for meds or anything?

No, I meet her on thursday. Last time we talked about meds is some time ago. I was doing continuously better since then so she also didn't consider it necessary. I will see what she thinks now.... I don't really want to.

... just realizing that I depend to such an extend on exterior events. of course things can upset people. I know that, it's sort of normal if they are not reacting so insanely inadequate as I do.

Well if you go on anything it doesn't mean it has to be forever. But it could keep you more centered. I don't know you so I'd have no idea if they're right for you, but it's something to think about anyway.

it has to be like this:
I really don't want to.

Are you thinking suicide? I just met you and hoped we could be friends, please go to a ER or call a crisis line. You know you don't always feel this way!

No no no!

I didn't mean that!
I meant taking meds. It wasn't so nice when I tried first.

Oh thank God, I've been so worried. Yeah, try the meds, you can always switch if you don't have a good experience with them. But they may help a lot! Who is prescribing, your T, or a pdoc?

hmm... Have you tried EFT (emofree.com or numerous other websites) or TAT (tatlife.com) yet, for taking an edge off things - they can be helpful against depression or such... (I'd prefer this to meds...) And DIY CBT journalling...

As for relationships, I liked the book Rules a lot - it teaches to date/be in contact with at least 3 men at the beginning (date! not sleep with necessarily!), so if one proves to be a 'non option' you're not so devastated...

Hope things improve!

I am not sure if I was ever really that suicidal so anyone should seriously worry. I wished to die sometimes but was too lazy then to do anything about it. now and then I chanced it but that doesn't count. some time in summer I made up an exact method and was making jokes about it with a friend who had no idea. but wasn't actually planning on doing it. so I don't know if that counts- also it involved coincidence to such an extent that I am not sure yet if you could even call it suicide.
but it is funny so I am smiling every time I think of it.
:-)

but I should stop talking here.

well I dislike the idea of taking meds for several complicated reasons but I will certainly consider it if things aren't getting any better soon or my T recommends it.
but I want to see an actual pdoc then and not GP who doesn't know what he's doing. and getting an appointment there may take several months.

haha, thank you so much.

I'm so glad if you don't have serious plans or anything. I hate to think of you suffering that long, potentially, before you get an appointment. I hope you can find something soon.

Are you reading anything interesting? I rarely read anymore because the ADHD is so bad (or whatever the problem is). I just can't focus. Can barely watch a TV program.

okay I thought about it and I am not sure about that whole suicide issue. right now I don't feel like I want to and that makes it hard to imagine I will. but the truth is I don't know. I had very dark moments before. when I read what I have written on this forum some days I realize I tend to forget about these feelings when they are not there.
okay, I will definitely stop now talking about this.

yeah, I have a book pile but never finish anything!
I am a horrible reader. don't do it so often. that might be the reason for not finishing books. not even those that are only a booklet with an essay you could read within a few hours.
also there are some fancy and very interesting magazines on my pile which I never touch but every day seriously plan to.

most of the time I choose my computer instead.
not so clever. just more comfortable.

it's awful if you can't concentrate to watch anything! I experienced that before. but if there is anything that is working for you, like writing here or something else it's great!

Lol, spooky, sooooo spooky! 👻 I'm just like that, too! Haha! Hugs! (I'm on Tapatalk and there isn't a hug emoji, can't seem to find one.)

I'm so in the moment it is scary. I can refrain from thinking about something until one day I remember it because something pushes it forward and suddenly it will be like it just happened. Other times thoughts are obsessive. And my moods are all over the place. I'm on meds but I guess not enough. I have to get to a pdoc also as soon as I can manage. I spent most of my life only on benzos which helped but I never had CBT or such. And now I'm just a wreck. :/

I have a feeling CBT actually works!

Yes, I've heard only good things about it. Maybe one day I can try it, if I can get out of this weird slump. Also dbt which I only just read about here.

About reading, comics are a good alternative, I like Aya of Yop City. Also, photo essays

I have this problem I don't want to start any activity that I cannot use for work. there are many things that would be useful for it or future applications or things I am still to learn by self-study.
because I think I am never good enough for a job or whatever. and it is also true because otherwise I wouldn't be sitting at home right now.

before I used to sew sometimes or knit or try to make nice things for myself. but at a point I realized I could buy much nicer things if I was only working half the time I needed to make them. and also I was never satisfied with what I made.

I would like to read books but I am choosing them because I think they are useful or at least make me feel educated. just for fun I wouldn't do anything I guess. I'd be fine lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. dreaming about stuff. forever. forgetting I am existing.

I understand. In my case, I used to read light stuff to escape from a busy schedule