it never ends

Does it ever get better? Really? I feel like I'm gonna be stuck like this forever. The thoughts, the feelings, the urges, they never go away. Sometimes I think I'm getting better, but then it always comes back to this. And I can't see a way out of it. I just want it to stop. I want it to end. I'm sick of it. Sick of the constant battles. Sick of fighting these urges that are so determined to win. Sick of giving in. I can't keep doing this. I really can't. I hate myself. I just want to die.

Did the crisis team come to you? Did they help at all? Is work making things worse?
***concerned***

Hey you! Sorry to hear you're having a rough time...I wish I could say something to make it better

Is there anything in particular making you unhappy or does it come out of nowhere?

Hang in there...you have got through it before and you will get through it again

We are due a catch up

Yeah the crisis team have been coming out every day since Thursday...but I can't say that it's helping. Haven't been at work for the last week, I think it was making me worse and was struggling to keep it together. But being at home isn't helping either. I just feel stuck.

It just comes out of nowhere...my mum has theories that it is triggered but I just never notice it so I don't know. But she did point out yesterday that I ended up in A&E this time last year too so maybe she has a point.

Could it have anything to do with the days growing shorter and darker?

Could do I guess. Also three anniversaries last week...pretty sure I'm over it. But maybe not...

What are the 3 anniversaries?

Ten years since my brother had a fight with my parents which lead to him being kicked out, two days later my grandad died. Also three years since an online friend committed suicide.

Oh I see

When do you next see T?

next thursday

Well I really think you could do with a chat sooner than that. Is there anyone you can call right now for support?

I can't stick around tonight but I will be here tomorrow...will check in on you then if you need a chat.

Hang tough for tonight and I hope you feel better in the morning

Every day is the same. I can't keep doing this. Urges are always so strong. I just can't do it anymore. Can't keep fighting. I'm tired of fighting.

If you are feeling so bad you need to call the crisis line, rather than do something to hurt yourself please call the crisis line?

Do you have any sedatives? If not, it might be worth asking pdoc for something to help relax you when you feel like this.

((((((Secret))))))

Just one moment at a time, try not to think about the future or the past.

Please call Crisis Line, have someone come and sit with you, or go to hospital Emergency if you think the urges are too strong for you.

Crisis line are useless. Been seeing the crisis team for the last week nearly every day...it doesn't help. They don't listen. They don't do anything to help. I see them again tomorrow..

One good thing I suppose is when I saw the crisis team pdoc he did prescribe me some sedatives. But I am a bit useless at taking them. I have mainly just been taking them at night to help me sleep rather than to relax me.

Okay, maybe try using them when you feel intense/distressed? It could help!

Sedatives helped me through a couple of weeks ago. I only needed them for a week, I'm now back in the meh, don't care, apathy zone, not great but easier to deal with.

Do you think you need to go inpatient again? Always supposing they have any beds.

Yeah i know, thanks

Probably. You're not the first to mention it. The crisis team seem to think thats not necessary but I'm not so sure.

It is what you think that counts, so push the crisis team really hard on it. There are an awful lot of hours in the day when the team aren't with you and if you would benefit from being inpatient they should at least explain what they can do better.

Take care Secret and try to get some rest. I try to sleep 24/7 when I'm at my worst, that's where the sedatives can help, just keep knocking yourself out with them.

yeah, i've been trying to tell them but they just don't listen I will try again tomorrow...

Good luck with the crisis team today. Can anyone be with you when you talk to them? I know when I'm in a bad way I find it really difficult to say more than dunno and yeah ok. Neither actually means what I want to say

Take care. I'm off to work now.

Hi Secret. I'm sorry I haven't been here. Been so busy I haven't kept up with everything and haven't had time to get to my computer. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I agree with trying the sedatives when you are feeling really bad. I also agree that if you think you may need to go to the hospital push the crisis team for that. You are a very good person. Take care of yourself.

Unfortunately I couldn't have anyone with me when I saw them as my parents were busy. Crisis team won't be coming out to see me anymore and no hospital. So relying on sedatives is the option I have left then.

That really sucks, I just don't get the NHS. They seem to do the bare minimum. It really varies between who you see as well, different workers on the same team come up with different answers. Go back to your GP and keep pestering that's the only advice I can offer. Your GP might get fed up but they have a duty of care, if you at risk they are pretty much obligated to see you if no-one else will.

In the meantime keep taking the sedatives.

((((((Secret))))))