[flours]

I started working at this new job. and actually it's all fine.
but after two weeks now I collapsed crying and wishing to die instead of returning to pointless work every day, that's erasing all meaning in my life, all things that used to be fun or interesting, social contacts and will to continue.
don't know what to do. I will have to do some work. why is it so exhausting? I could do the same thing on the computer at home on my couch for 14 hours a day and I'd be fine. but if I have to get up early, be there and stay there for the whole day. I just feel drained of all the energy my body had left for the day and I barely manage to get myself home and into bed. just to get up again and start the same thing again, and again, and again until I'll be dead some time. I hope that is soon. I don't want to do this anymore.
all the time I am alone and want it to stop. there will never be another person around who is going to give me a hug and comfort me. because I am just disgusting to other people. at the end of the day I return to my lonely apartment. I imagine myself to die of some accident at home that I will have while trying to fix a shelf standing on a ladder and falling or I will touch a broken power cable. I will be embarrassed of some things I leave behind including my disgusting body. but anyway.
I am ashamed I feel like this because everybody has to work. and nobody can complain about it. but I am this spoiled princess who rather wants to die than work. I do. and all the things I would like to do or wouldn't bother me too much don't count as real work. it's not work. things I do that don't get payed are no real work. and if I can spend 14 hours on them it's my business and nobody else's and I am still lazy because I cannot stand real work and always start crying in my car on the way home. or in my car on the way there. I haven't been sleeping much. I have to get up early to be there in time. but I cannot fall asleep early enough to get enough sleep. I get isolated from all people I know. because I don't have time and energy left to see them.
if this is life I want it to stop. my T is leaving me soon. I don't feel alright. I am not ready to be alone. I think if I have to deal with this alone I want to fail.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by flours

I started working at this new job.
. . . my T is leaving me soon.

Those are major stressors. Is being outside your home also a stressor for you? You may be dealing with more than is apparent.

Is it possible for you to seek another T? I realise transitioning to another T is itself a major stressor...

[Clara22]

Hi Flours,
I am not sure I understand, you are getting paid for this new job, am I right?

[flours]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Is being outside your home also a stressor for you? You may be dealing with more than is apparent.

Yes, it is. I don't know exactly why. There are things that make me uncomfortable. But none of them is strong enough to fully explain why I feel so exhausted out there.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Is it possible for you to seek another T? I realise transitioning to another T is itself a major stressor...

I don't know if I can. If the insurance will let me continue. Or if I will have to wait for an appointment for several months. I think therapy helped me a little but I need more time to fix more issues. So I hope I can continue.

[flours]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi Flours,
I am not sure I understand, you are getting paid for this new job, am I right?

Yes, I am. That is the whole reason I am doing it.

I just tried to describe that other things I can do don't bother me as much or if I do work in another context. But I will not get payed for that then. Only if I do the job that does bother me!

[Tommo]

Originally Posted by flours

I started working at this new job. and actually it's all fine.
but after two weeks now I collapsed crying and wishing to die instead of returning to pointless work every day, that's erasing all meaning in my life, all things that used to be fun or interesting, social contacts and will to continue.
don't know what to do. I will have to do some work. why is it so exhausting? I could do the same thing on the computer at home on my couch for 14 hours a day and I'd be fine. but if I have to get up early, be there and stay there for the whole day. I just feel drained of all the energy my body had left for the day and I barely manage to get myself home and into bed. just to get up again and start the same thing again, and again, and again until I'll be dead some time. I hope that is soon. I don't want to do this anymore.
all the time I am alone and want it to stop. there will never be another person around who is going to give me a hug and comfort me. because I am just disgusting to other people. at the end of the day I return to my lonely apartment. I imagine myself to die of some accident at home that I will have while trying to fix a shelf standing on a ladder and falling or I will touch a broken power cable. I will be embarrassed of some things I leave behind including my disgusting body. but anyway.
I am ashamed I feel like this because everybody has to work. and nobody can complain about it. but I am this spoiled princess who rather wants to die than work. I do. and all the things I would like to do or wouldn't bother me too much don't count as real work. it's not work. things I do that don't get payed are no real work. and if I can spend 14 hours on them it's my business and nobody else's and I am still lazy because I cannot stand real work and always start crying in my car on the way home. or in my car on the way there. I haven't been sleeping much. I have to get up early to be there in time. but I cannot fall asleep early enough to get enough sleep. I get isolated from all people I know. because I don't have time and energy left to see them.
if this is life I want it to stop. my T is leaving me soon. I don't feel alright. I am not ready to be alone. I think if I have to deal with this alone I want to fail.

I get there, myself, from time to time. For me...believe it or not...it's a simple case of "I am not eating right". Maybe you have some food allergy...vitamin deficiency. People need to realise that they need to take care of their whole body...not just the brainy bits!!!

I'd go to my GP and get a whole blood assessment...BMI...the whole nine yards.....

Good luck........

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm struggling with work too. I have an interesting job, that I am (was) really good at, but now it terrifies me. I have to get up at 6am, catch a train, sit at my desk, deal with all the people in the office, do my job, catch another train, walk the dog and finally go to bed. It is just too much, when two months ago the hardest thing I was capable of doing was getting out of bed and caring for my dog. I don't have time for food or showers on work days, I know that is a bad choice but something has to give.

Sorry, I'm not much help, but you're not alone

[Clara22]

Hi Flours,
Is getting paid kind of the "silver linning" of this situation or it is not enough to compensate for the awfulness of the job?
I had a job I liked but anyway I started to feel trapped and hated at the end but to me it was because of my depression

[Idiot17]

The stress of a job.....
(((((Flours)))))

[flours]

I just do it to survive. And I don't specifically like what I am doing. I keep thinking about all the missed chances I had to learn something useful that I also enjoy. And now I am stuck in a nightmare. I am just the most stupid person in the world. I had all the opportunities and I used none of them.
No, it doesn't exactly make me rich. I used to have a student job that payed more. But I have no choice. I tried to do less days or less hours this week. And actually we agreed on it. But today I learned I will have to do this week just as much as before.
I know it is not normal to be so affected by simple work. Everyone has to do it. I hate my life.

[flours]

when I came home from my last therapy session I had a lot on my mind. it raised a lot of questions and I have been thinking about it. and I started writing down endless lists of issues that I need to discuss. things that came to my mind and made a lot of sense.
and now these sheets are lying on my table and I don't know if I will bring them to my therapist. if it is of any use or just waisted time distracting from those things we've been working on. anyway there is no time to address any of it.
I start to have time for nothing any more. not even sleep. I cannot go to bed early enough to get enough sleep until I need to get up. ironic that now I can have good sleep but no time for it.
I never see daylight because all those hours I am in an office. I went running and I wanted to cry all the time and push the other people away that were getting too close. they are always getting too close and I can smell their sweat. isn't exercise supposed to relieve instead of making you more aggressive? it made me only aggressive and desperate.

sorry for writing confused stuff.

I can't really relax and I have lots of confused thoughts.
there is a muscle in my face that started twitching two days ago and won't stop and it looks really ridiculous and is extremely annoying.
:-(

[savana_w]

Hi Flours,
Yes it is awful to have to work in a job you do not like, been there done that!
Is it possible to keep looking for something else that is better to your liking? Thereby giving yourself a lot of hope.
Would you be willing to work on a after work schedule that would leave you time to care for yourself and free time to search out another job?

I do it too, feeling alone, disgusting, horrible and all of the above. We are not alone with these feelings.
Take a moment to Relax and BREATHE.
A very wise woman told me time and again, Do what's right for you..

Never mind what others might think!

Take care!

[flours]

I'm just lying in my bed trying to sleep but I can't because I can't stop crying. this is how I am wasting the few hours I've got left until I need to get up.
I just want to calm down but I can't,

[waterknob1234]

Hi flours. You are not alone. My job makes me miserable. Then I work 10 to 12 hours a day and have no time or energy left to seek another job, go back to school to improve my skills, much less do anything enjoyable. This time of year gets so busy I now have to muster up the energy to do stuff for the holidays. I am always exhausted. People tell me I don't seem to be as depressed. I am still depressed I am just now too busy to dwell on it.

To top it off there are people I work with that are devious and almost impossible to get along with. I wish I had a good answer for you. I just pray a lot to get thru each day.

You mentioned that there are things you like to do that you don't get paid to do. Find some time each week to engage in the activities you like. That does help if you can find the energy to do so. Maybe one day you can find some type of work in things that you like. Much love and best of wishes.

[savana_w]

Hi Flours,
How was your day yesterday? I prayed that it would be a better day for you.

You will be in my prayers tonight. Keep your chin up...I am pulling for you.
Sending lots of hugs too.

Savana

[LindaLu]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

You are not alone. My job makes me miserable. Then I work 10 to 12 hours a day and have no time or energy left to seek another job, go back to school to improve my skills, much less do anything enjoyable. :

.

This is totally the case for me and many people. Work is paid servitude. It drains the energy out of you, takes away selfhood. It's maddening how the media and educational institutions try to sell it as something self expressive. It rarely is.

Flours, you may be reacting normally to a really unpleasant situation that other people would find intolerable and run away from. Tears, disillusionment, resentment, self doubt - a lot of people react that way to their jobs or else they are suppressing it actively.

I'm frozen right now at work not completing basic assigned tasks at work and just waiting to get busted. It's shameful because I've been there 10+ years and shouldn't be screwing up. Maybe it's just is a bad experience that's lasted too long. So really new or old jobs can be bad/go bad.

Also - Therapy is sometimes painful especially processing the past and some days I'm in a fog mulling over what we discuss in T. That's affecting work negatively and this might be a factor for you, actually for lots of us. If so it's not you/our fault.

And you are not the most stupid person in the world, not nearly. Stupid people don't have insight and determination like it seems you really have. Tears are not sign of weakness. Wish I still had some.

[akekaomen]

I write about problems working while depressed on here a lot. Today is a tough day for me and I'm not sure how I'll finish it. It only started, but I'm already afraid of how to survive the day.

It is lonely working because people around you don't get the difference between normal job hate and depressed working. I actually could like my job if I wasn't so depressed and lonely at work. Plus it's getting harder at home because I have so little time there and my family is fighting a lot (I have a teenage daughter who fights us on everything). I'm beginning to hate work and home.

I only try to cling to the techniques I've learned like doing the opposite of my feelings and doing work regardless of my feelings. Basically trying not to let my feelings dictate my actions. It's hard and I fail a lot by calling in sick. I've been called out about my attendance already. Because I'm a manager I have to keep that pretend happy smile going so as not to demotivate anyone. In the end I want to quit, but I'm the only one bringing in an income for my family.

Hating work is normal, but it's really hard for depressed individuals because even if they liked work it would be hard. Try to be proud of the fact you are functioning regardless of your feelings.

[flours]

everybody keeps tellin me that this is the way work is supposed to be like. if it is the same for everyone then everyone is just pretending they are fine? why are there so many people still alive then?
I just told my parents on the phone that I don't want to live anymore. I was really sorry to freak them out so much. but we talked about my situation and I didn't want to lie to them. I'm not going to do anything about that. but I can't change how I feel about this. talked to a friend the other day and he said he can't believe he is going to be 40 in a couple of years and I answered that I can't imagine myself getting that old. I really don't think I can do this so much longer.

[Clara22]

No, work is not always like that. But even jobs that we like very much could be oppressive at a point. On the other hand, depression can make us feel much worse about working. Sometimes depression works " a priori", so our tolerance to frustration is too low. In my experience, the only thing that saved me when getting too frustrated and depressed about work was to think that that situation wasn't forever. Nothing is forever, actually, although sometimes it is hard to cope and hold some hope for the future.
To tell you something about myself now, I am still at the hospital, frustrated because they want to release me even though I am not OK. They do not want to try alternatives. This was supposed to be the best public hospital in town, but it is no longer the best one, clearly. They do not want to deal with patients that ask questions and ask for second opinions. Anyway, I have to keep fighting or let them kill me slowly, by neglecting me. I am tired and sometimes sad, but I feel that life in me wants to live.
I am getting therapy and fluoxetine in here and I feel it is helping me.
Ok, this is all for now. I think of you and wish you find a better job

[flours]

got some terrible news today. think this is my lowest point ever since this depression started.

[Clara22]

Hold in there, Flours! We care about you