[Lonely_Hearts]

Well, I'm very new to this whole forum thing, but I've had a lot on my mind lately and just needed a place to release everything. I don't really have any friends or anyone else to talk to so I've been holding in a lot of stuff for awhile and I really just need to let it all out. As I am nearing my 19th birthday, my final year of teen hood, I feel as though I am at the age where things will never change for me. The way things are and the way things have been will just stay that way forever. The one thing in particular that I speak of is being single. Yes, I am aware that being 18 and never having a boyfriend is such an oddity in today's society. Because of this, I feel like such an outcast being surrounded by people my own age (and even younger) having been in a relationship, their first kiss, etc. and I've never even talked to a guy before. The thing is, I feel as though I've never been approached by a guy before because I am a very unattractive person. Though I've never been verbally told that I am ugly, the mirror says it all. Also the fact that guys don't even look at me is another indicator that my appearance is below average. This has really been hurting my self esteem and I'm not quite sure what to do about it. I feel as though there is really no hope for me and that I will die an old crazy cat lady who has experienced love. It's an unsettling thought but I feel as though it's just something I have to unfortunately accept and move on. People tell me that it will happen eventually and that there's someone for everyone but I feel as though I am an exception to this "rule" because in all honesty, what guy would want to settle for an ugly girl like me when there are so many pretty girls out there? I feel like my only option is getting plastic surgery in order to improve my appearance in hopes that I will finally be somewhat attractive so then maybe I will at least get a guy to talk to me. However, this option is quite expensive and I don't really have the means for it. I have been saving up for it though and in the mean time I have been doing other things to alter my appearance such as tanning, working out, wearing colored contacts, and also wearing a corset to make my waste smaller. But I feel as though this is not enough and I still need plastic surgery in order to have any chance of being in a relationship. However, even if I do get plastic surgery, I still feel like no one would ever want to be with me because although with plastic surgery I will finally be beautiful on the outside, I still will lack inner beauty. I have a dull personality, I am not funny nor intelligent, I am not good at anything, I am the epitome of an introvert… I could go on for days about every good quality I lack that would make a guy like a girl but I will just leave it at that. Bottom line, i am not a likable person. However, it does not end there. Even if getting cosmetic procedures does end up somehow getting me a boyfriend, the relationship will not last. The thing is, which I am sure 99.9% of those who read this will think I am absolutely insane, I will never have sex. Just the idea of it disgusts me and makes me want to vomit. No, I am not one of those people who believe in saving themselves for marriage (although I do highly respect those who do), I mean like I will never ever have sex in my entire lifetime. Now I am sure most all of you are having a hard time wrapping your head around this as most people seem to need sex like they need air. I really don't understand this one bit since I find sex as the most repulsive thing ever but no one else seems to think that is the case, which is another reason I feel as though I will be alone forever. But the thing is, not only do I think it is disgusting, I believe I am too ugly for a guy to have sex with me. I don't know, there's no hope for me. I'm not really writing this with the intention of getting anything out of it other than releasing some things I've been feeling for awhile. However, some input would be nice. I just don't want to feel like I am the only person on Earth who is dealing with this. Although, I probably am.

I think that there are many others that feel the same way you do. At your age and older; I know. I went through that when I was your age. I lived at a dorm when I went to college and it seemed just like everyone else was "doing it". I remembered how bad I really felt.

I think that later on your life, you may be surprised on how you feel can turn around. It has happened for me.

If it can be of any help, I go on another forum board called "Web of Loneliness". I don't know if you have heard about it. With that, there is a Twitter section called "Forever Alone". Pretty interesting stuff.

Just one little bit of advice of what I saw that you put down, though. Be careful about tanning. Over the years in my life, I felt like I got a lot of sun exposure. I've had some skin cancer surgeries (three in the last six years). They were minor, but they are a hassle to go through. I think that tanning at a salon may be more risky than getting sun exposure.

[Lonely_Hearts]

Wow! I didn't think anyone would actually respond, so thank you! It's a relief to find someone to relate to and understand where I am coming from. As a college student now, I feel as though there's an expectation to have experience in a sexual relationship. However, I've never even been in a relationship before which makes me feel like a deviant outcast since I do not live up to these social norms.
I have never heard of that before, I am very new to these forums and such but I would love to check it out! Is there a website for it?
As for the tanning, thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. As you can see, I don't take any pride in myself whatsoever, but I would never be reckless about something that can cause harm such as tanning. I only do it in moderation and plan on going for routine checkups with a dermatologist just to be safe. I do not want to stop tanning though because I feel like if I am darker, I will be the slightest bit prettier.

Hi Forever Alone. I feel so much for you because what you describe is the same thing I went through when I was 19, until about 23. The only difference is I am a guy, and also I have a different problem where I am a very sexual person and need sex quite a bit, not that I ever got it though. I would almost say that I wish I had your view on sex, it would be very useful for me actually. There is nothing more frustrating than being highly sexually driven and then not having that fulfilled. I cracked at 23 and went to some drastic lengths to break my virginity, something I regret very much now, also because it showed me an easy way to get sex and I became a sex addict. It is also actually quite boring and does not live up to all the hype people give it at all. I would actually prefer to live without sex at all, but seeing as it's an addiction, it is quite hard for me now. But, essentially I am almost exactly the same as you, no girls look at me or are interested in me. If it were not for someone I met who liked me for being me, I would probably never even have known what it was like to be loved. I was also pretty much convinced that I was going to be alone forever. It's only after opening up to people about my problems that things changed. Eventually two damaged people will come together somewhere and they'll fit just right. It just takes a long time, and the important thing is not to do absolutely nothing, but on your own time open yourself up.

[flours]

I can relate to most of what you have written a lot! I am 30 and been alone since my early 20s. I also feel so ugly sometimes I cannot imagine anyone would pick me over the thousands of beautiful woman walking everywhere on the street. Sometimes I get compliments though and I am surprised to realize that other people don't see me that way. It's a weird feeling because I don't really understand what they are saying except for the words. sometimes I think I look good and the next moment I feel like a monster.
And I can relate that you don't like sex. I am afraid of it mostly like it was a physical harm although I think I have a normal sex drive. But I didn't feel like this before I tried it.
Anyway, although this may be something stupid everybody keeps telling you.. if you are 19 now there is no way everything will ever stay the same! I wished for myself that I was still the person I was with 19 but so many things happen in life at early adulthood. you cannot prevent that kind of change.

[Clara22]

Hi Lonely Hearts!
Thanks a lot for sharing your story. It reminds me my youth and I promise, things change. I would like to share my experience by first I would like to ask you a question you do not need to answer if you do not like. How much are you eager to date somebody that is "unattractive" according to your cannons? ( for example somebody more overweight than you like)

HI Lonely Hearts, it's me (Wil) again. I don't know if this will be of any help to you. When I was in college, it seemed like from what I saw, there were women that were not attractive and had a boyfriend. Much to my surprise those unattractive women (and they were not friendly, either) had pretty good looking guys to go out with.

It seemed like every girl was taken at that time, and there were quite a few guys complaining on how hard it was to get an available woman. I notice that you put on your little profile that you are in Arizona. I would think that there would be more men than women there. I could be wrong.

I am with Clara as to what she asked you. However, there is another suggestion I have. Have you ever thought of gently approaching a guy? And if you like him, would you ever ask him out (just for something small like coffee or sit together in the cafeteria)? Very often I would suggest to a woman that I care about (that's me being just friends with them) to try asking a guy out if there's one she likes. Just a thought.

[Clara22]

Thanks a lot, Will! Sorry to have come across with a silly question. I did it because sometimes our fear makes us see potential candidates as ugly or not interesting or it makes us raise the bar too high. Sometimes, we need to take some risk

[Lonely_Hearts]

Wow! I am completely overwhelmed by everyone's support and advice! Thank you guys so much!

StbGuy - Thank you for sharing your story. Being I have never interacted with a guy before, it's helpful to get a guy's perspective on things. I honestly didn't believe guys went through this same thing but I have been surely proven wrong. I am very happy for you in that you were able to open yourself up and have everything work out for you. I have tried opening up to my old friends in the past and none of them really seemed to care and just kind of stopped talking to me. It was hurtful and embarrassing so I just seclude myself from people altogether.

flours- I feel like you understand me so well! I can never except a complement myself. I feel like when people complement me, they're just lying because they don't want to be rude. I really hope things will change! I do realize that I am still young and I have yet to grow and mature but I just feel like things haven't changed for so long so why would something change now, or in the future?

Clara22- The thing is, well, I can't even imagine dating anyone. I guess to answer your question, I would be willing to give anyone a chance. But the thing is, no one would ever give me a chance. I feel so repulsive that a potato could do better than me. However, I would love to hear your story!

will19- Hello again! I don't believe Arizona is much different than any other place, then again, I pay little attention to that stuff so I could be wrong as well. I really appreciate your advice, however, I would never approach a guy. I would just be setting myself up for immediate rejection. I feel like if I walked up to a guy, they would be like "uhm, you're kind of really disgusting, please get away from me" or something of that nature. I would never put myself in that position. Even if I was really physically attractive, I'm still very socially awkward and would never be able to casually start a conversation with someone without looking like a complete idiot. However, I would really like to thank you for helping me out. I truly appreciate it.

[lonely-and-sad]

I think you would be surprised. Guys are much less likely to say no to a coffee or a chat or anything really from a girl they don't know. Girls are much less likely to engage a guy they don't know or at least dont lnow sum1 that knows them because they are more concerned about safety. I am a guy if you wanted to have a coffee with me or just talk I would not say no. I don't care that much about looks anyway I am sure you are not as bad as you are trying to tell us.

[flours]

Originally Posted by Lonely_Hearts

I feel like if I walked up to a guy, they would be like "uhm, you're kind of really disgusting, please get away from me" or something of that nature. I would never put myself in that position. Even if I was really physically attractive, I'm still very socially awkward and would never be able to casually start a conversation with someone without looking like a complete idiot.

What would happen if you tried and look like a complete idiot? Would that be so bad that you wouldn't take the risk if you could win so much from that situation potentially? Even if he says no you at least made a step to improve your situation, which would be a success! If someone says no they say no but thats it. Believe me, I made a fool of myself so many times in my life! But nothing bad ever happened from doing that. its really not so bad. You can tell yourself "okay, at least I tried."

Once I asked a guy out I was sure all the women were running after him (and they were) and I had no chance. It took me a long time until I had the courage to ask him. but he was leaving the country so I thought I have nothing to loose because if he says no he'd be gone soon and I won't be reminded of that shame. and it was like my last chance to ask. But he said yes and we met. we did not become a couple but he wanted to follow me home. so I think it was some kind of success because I realized I did have a chance and I wasn't as repulsive as I thought I were.
Of course I have also more awkward stories I could tell you. I just want to say that asking is better than sitting at home alone feeling depressed. Its like buying a lottery ticket.

I'm so sorry Lonely Hearts, I called you Forever Alone . Just my brain which is randomly switching on and off at times .

Thanks for your response. Yeah, the thing is everything didn't work out for me. OK, I have someone, but almost all my problems are still unresolved. It never lifted the depression. You have to tackle the depression as an issue in it's own right. I also thought by solving other stuff in my life that the depression would go away. Nope, doesn't work that way unfortunately.