[Little Jay]

I know if I tell them everything they'll admit me to the psych ward again, but I have no money spare after Christmas and I can't afford to miss any time of work because I pay half the bills and then what will happen we'll lose our house.

My boyfriend is already freaking out about me, so I can't do this to him, he can't afford the bills on his own. He's told me that if I try and "do anything stupid" again that he'll leave me because he can't deal with it knowing that I would do that to him.

I know in my head that I don't want to die, but I get over emotional and impulsive and I make stupid decisions. I've been saying I think there's something more wrong with me not just depression but I just don't know what. I'm having panic attacks and freak outs, then I'll feel empty and numb a couple of hours later where I can't physically do anything, then a couple of hours later i'll be all anxious and jittery and literally have that "feel like I'm going crazy" feeling. I don't know what to do!

I'm so stupid that every time i'm in treatment I think "I'm fine" and "I know what I'm doing" so I stop taking my meds and stop going to appointments and I always come straight back to this again. Why do I do it i'm just so stupid. I mean I know how stupid that is yet I still do it!

Life was going perfectly before, we got our house in November, my boyfriend had a new job we were planning a family and our futures together, and now I've gone and ruined it all. I always ruin it everything.

[palerefraction]

Nothing is ruined! maybe if the meds work for you, you should take them... and keep taking them!!

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I feel like I could have written most of this myself. The major thing I learnt this year was that stopping my meds ends in disaster. The other thing I learnt is that it's better to ask for help at times like this than to act on the thoughts and urges. You need some support right now and there is no shame in asking for it.

[waterknob1234]

I don't think you are stupid. I think depression makes us think the worst about ourselves. I think you are a wonderful person dealing with an ugly illness.

I tried coming off my migraine meds over Christmas and guess what, I ended up having migraines. I don't like the side effects of my migraine med and antidepressant, but it is better to deal with the side effects than deal with migraines and depression.

When you feel like this you should seek help sooner rather than later. You are not a bad person, you are just dealing with a difficult and frustrating illness. Best wishes.

[Idiot17]

((((((Little Jay))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Little Jay ))))))))

[Gray Rider]

You're not alone. I am in the same situation except I'm living alone. I honestly probably will have to abandon my job soon and go stay with family.

There's only so much a person can suffer without falling, give yourself a break. I hope your BF sticks by your side.

[avlady]

sorry to hear about your problem, yes take your meds consistantly.

[Purplesept2007]

Little Jay,
I know this is extremely difficult but I really think you should tell the professionals everything and if you end up in the hospital then that is where you should be. I know it sucks on a whole bunch of fronts your job (so you can pay bills plus I do not know how giving/understanding they are with you being out) but you musttake care of yourself first. You cannot be good to anyone else until you can start feeling better. On the boyfriend front if you can explain to him that if you do go in you are going to do your very best to listen to the doctors on every expect. Do not make promises though unless you can assure you will keep them. Let the doctors figure out what is going on physically and mentally (as to me it sounds like more than depression also is going on - take that for what it is worth because I am like you someone who is going through things. And please please do not say you are stupid. It is understandable that when you were feeling better you thought you might be able to get off your meds. My rule of thumb when it comes to my medication I follow exactly what they say and if I feel I should be coming off something I will talk to them as you can have so many reactions mostly not good if you stop abruptly. I wish you the best hang in there. Please PM me anytime if you would like...

[TheOriginalMe]

(((((((Little Jay)))))))

Tell your team everything, there is a good chance that they won't admit you without trying intensive support first. You are doing really well, because despite the thoughts and the urges you are here and reaching out, that proves you have more strength than you realize.

Depression can come in many guises as can panic and anxiety, but do voice your concerns to your medical team, doctors can only go on what we tell them and the more they know the more likely they are to figure out what is going on.

Take care, keep posting, stay safe and hold on to your dreams, you have a good future ahead of you, this is just a minor hiccup.

[geez]

((Littlejay)) a house is meaningless if you don't have your health. Tell the professionals. I've had that experience. It was something I needed to do. Please keep us posted.

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[waterknob1234]

Hi LittleJay. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Do get the medical or psychiatric help you need. You are a good and wonderful person and you are worth it.

i hope you do get what you need.

we do apreciate you here

you're a valuable member

[avlady]

you didnt ruin anything, what happens happens for whatever reasons maybe you need to get away from your boyfriend for awhile, i know that sounds harsh but maybe a hospital stay would get you back on course in your life. sometimes we just need an adjustment to our lifestyle, like 3 meals a day, exercise, and other help a hospital can give. that is how i saw it after a hospital stay where my meds were adjusted and when i left there i felt great!!!

[Little Jay]

Not any better. I have a t session on Thursday so I think I will open up to her and ask what she thinks is best. I just am anxious because I might be fine now, but my mood is so unstable at any time I might get completely hysterical and depressed and do something I regret. I worry about what I might do.

ps - thank you all for being here, it is literally the most important thing in the world to me right now

[palerefraction]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

Not any better. I have a t session on Thursday so I think I will open up to her and ask what she thinks is best. I just am anxious because I might be fine now, but my mood is so unstable at any time I might get completely hysterical and depressed and do something I regret. I worry about what I might do.

ps - thank you all for being here, it is literally the most important thing in the world to me right now

I like to write down what I'm feeling or any questions I have because I'm so forgetful, maybe something like that would be helpful for you

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[geez]

Originally Posted by Little Jay

Not any better. I have a t session on Thursday so I think I will open up to her and ask what she thinks is best. I just am anxious because I might be fine now, but my mood is so unstable at any time I might get completely hysterical and depressed and do something I regret. I worry about what I might do.

ps - thank you all for being here, it is literally the most important thing in the world to me right now

Sorry you are feeling so awful. I've been in that place where my mind only thinks of one thing as being the solution to my misery. I then would get paranoid about what I might do to myself. I finally confided in my T and it was the best decision I made. That was over two years ago and since then I've mostly been OK. Until a few months ago.

I find depression ebs and flows. It's a scary place to be.

Thank you for posting this thread. I've just opened up to my T again about how bad I've been feeling lately. A big part of that is knowing I'm not the only one going though this.

(((((Little Jay)))))

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[Little Jay]

Originally Posted by palerefraction

I like to write down what I'm feeling or any questions I have because I'm so forgetful, maybe something like that would be helpful for you

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Thanks palerefraction, it's my first session with a new T so had a couple of form / questionnaire things to fill out for her, and also written a page of stuff for her to read to help her understand everything. Hopefully she'll understand, I feel silly that I'm in such a state just before seeing her, I feel like I might not even make it to the session before my boyfriend drags me back to the ward, he's already threatened to