[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I'm barely coping... yes, she still drinks with liver cancer.

I hope you get your lung checked out.

Thank you. This explains why your mom hasn't been attuned to your needs. It wouldn't make her happier to know that, though. This is so much for any family to go through. So she isn't being treated? Why not?

Sent from my A0001

Chiming in for the second time today to say that I actually got a call back from a staffing agency in response to me sending my resume. The guy left a message and said he was really looking forward to talking to me. The agency he is with advertised two legal assistant jobs - - one part time long term and one full-time temporary. I'll take either!

I'm sure the next step is for him to interview me. Hoping to be able to set that up for Monday if at all possible!

This gives me some hope!

[Nammu]

Not sure what's going on, maybe the lack of good solid sleep? It's like looking in the wrong end of a telescope, everything is getting further away and much more distant emotionaly. Perversely I'm getting more sensitive emotionaly im terrified of letting anyone close enough or I'll get hurt. I'm tearful and anxious even though I've been great at getting some form of excersize daily since last Friday.
Perhaps it is just fear about embarking on a new life change. In the back of my mind, it questions, so what if you go back to normal weight, so what if you get stronger physically, so what if you make new friends, in the end you will still be a failure as a human being.

Change is so frightening.

[LittleEarthquakes]

What is the point of life if I'm just going to sit around my house. I'm sick of life being like this.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Thank you. This explains why your mom hasn't been attuned to your needs. It wouldn't make her happier to know that, though. This is so much for any family to go through. So she isn't being treated? Why not?

Sent from my A0001

I suppose it does... she isn't treated because she doesn't want to be. She doesn't want to go through chemo and all that. Besides, the doctor told her that if the cancer's in her liver, then it's also likely in her blood, and in that case there would be nothing they could really do for her anyway. She doesn't see the point in going through all that. I think she's just accepted that this is the thing that will take her in the end. She has a few years still before it'll start getting to her real bad I think... but it's hard. My mom's the only person who I really have left, and after she's gone I will have lost everyone close to me. I'll be completely alone.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I suppose it does... she isn't treated because she doesn't want to be. She doesn't want to go through chemo and all that. Besides, the doctor told her that if the cancer's in her liver, then it's also likely in her blood, and in that case there would be nothing they could really do for her anyway. She doesn't see the point in going through all that. I think she's just accepted that this is the thing that will take her in the end. She has a few years still before it'll start getting to her real bad I think... but it's hard. My mom's the only person who I really have left, and after she's gone I will have lost everyone close to me. I'll be completely alone.

That's nuts, sorry, that your Mom is opting to die relatively soon rather than get any treatment. That's what I thought 10 years ago but I don't have kids and now I don't feel that way so much. But it still might be too late for me. Your mom must be incredibly depressed. Why don't you both go to the clinic and see about treatment together for depression. If your mother has cancer she may only really have weeks to live. Who knows how fast it may spread. This situation is just sounding completely crazy and dysfunctional to me. Your mom needs to be treated.

Sent from my A0001

[TheOriginalMe]

What can I say? There isn't really anything to say. I can't deal with how I'm feeling. I'm safe because I can't be bothered to actually do anything and failure would mean even more problems. I can't tell anyone irl this as I'd probably end up on some sort of intensive home supervision programme and that would make it harder for me rather than easier. I feel like I'm completely out of options.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

That's nuts, sorry, that your Mom is opting to die relatively soon rather than get any treatment. That's what I thought 10 years ago but I don't have kids and now I don't feel that way so much. But it still might be too late for me. Your mom must be incredibly depressed. Why don't you both go to the clinic and see about treatment together for depression. If your mother has cancer she may only really have weeks to live. Who knows how fast it may spread. This situation is just sounding completely crazy and dysfunctional to me. Your mom needs to be treated.

Sent from my A0001

I think it's nuts too. She is incredibly depressed. Her life has been nothing but pain, she's told me so many things about it. I just don't think she wants to live much longer. We both need therapy I think, so that is a good idea. I can talk to her about it, but I just don't know. I hate to talk bad about my parents but this is the truth, my parents are the kind of people who say they're going to do something and then never do it. They've gotten me all excited about things in the past and then those things were forgotten about or dropped and I eventually learned to give up hope of those things ever happening. Now I've learned not to expect anything in the first place. What I'm saying is, she may agree to it and say it's a good idea, but then let it go and never have it arranged. I just can't tell. I can try.

What I do know is that she's had the spot on her lung for 6 years now and is still doing kinda well, but the spot has grown three times the size since then. I don't know how her liver is. I wish I could convince her to get treatment for the cancer as well, but her mind's made up about that I think.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I think it's nuts too. She is incredibly depressed. Her life has been nothing but pain, she's told me so many things about it. I just don't think she wants to live much longer. We both need therapy I think, so that is a good idea. I can talk to her about it, but I just don't know. I hate to talk bad about my parents but this is the truth, my parents are the kind of people who say they're going to do something and then never do it. They've gotten me all excited about things in the past and then those things were forgotten about or dropped and I eventually learned to give up hope of those things ever happening. Now I've learned not to expect anything in the first place. What I'm saying is, she may agree to it and say it's a good idea, but then let it go and never have it arranged. I just can't tell. I can try.

What I do know is that she's had the spot on her lung for 6 years now and is still doing kinda well, but the spot has grown three times the size since then. I don't know how her liver is. I wish I could convince her to get treatment for the cancer as well, but her mind's made up about that I think.

I hate to say it because I know it puts more stress on you, but I think you should ask for cab fare, and then take her to the clinic. Explain to them what's going on. You have to be a parent to your Mom now, unfortunately.

ETA: Actually, what am I saying? Your mom needs to be IP. You can borrow their phone and call 911. Tell them your mom is suicidally depressed. She is. She needs help. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but unfortunately you'll have to be the grownup in charge.

[Rose76]

Thank you to all who have followed my posts and left hugs. I had an awful time the last few days. I just got back from the laundromat and made dinner for my Sig. other and me. I don't feel as bad as I did. I think I will be okay in a few days.

Hearing from my sister last night helped. If something happened to my Sig. other, I could go stay with her for awhile. I worry about being alone when something happens to him.

The weekend has arrived and I have a week off this coming week. Today after work, I took a bike ride. I had time for it despite the sun still going down early. I had originally planned on working out but decided to go bike riding instead. I felt bad about that. But the bike ride was great.

I have so much going on next week that I planned on not working out anyways. I'm not looking forward to this week coming up as I have some doctor appointments and I feel like I have to make a decision soon that I'd rather not deal with.

[jimdd810]

I'm separated from my wife and now I'm stuck in pergitory. New apartment and its a dump. I want my family and life back. And not to mention my brother in law was killed in a car accident today. I wasn't close to him or my step sister but it's been a rough day.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I hate to say it because I know it puts more stress on you, but I think you should ask for cab fare, and then take her to the clinic. Explain to them what's going on. You have to be a parent to your Mom now, unfortunately.

ETA: Actually, what am I saying? Your mom needs to be IP. You can borrow their phone and call 911. Tell them your mom is suicidally depressed. She is. She needs help. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but unfortunately you'll have to be the grownup in charge.

So, because she won't get treatment for cancer and is depressed, that makes her suicidal? Just trying to figure this out, I didn't know that would count as being suicidal. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, unless I want to get kicked out of this house and be homeless. That's probably what would happen.

This is just another added responsibility that I don't think I can handle. I love my mom, but surely it's not my job to save her? Especially if she doesn't want to be saved?

I can try again to convince her, which I will do, but I can't make her.
Maybe this time, if she sees that she's all I have, she'll listen to me. I really don't think she knows how important she is to me.

I don't know why I always feel the worst when I first get out of bed (like now), but I do. I guess it's because I'm not looking forward to the day. My husband has so much to occupy his time (and is not depressed), and I have a hard time bringing myself to do anything.

I'm so tired of being on the computer all the time, but nothing else appeals to me.

[herethennow]

and so my mom got the fever i had... and now she's blaming me for passing on the fever. sorry i didn't know "psychological" fevers are viral ....

other than that, guess i am doing ok than other days. just cherishing this because it feels like the lull before the storm. so much things to be done.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Chiming in for the second time today to say that I actually got a call back from a staffing agency in response to me sending my resume. The guy left a message and said he was really looking forward to talking to me. The agency he is with advertised two legal assistant jobs - - one part time long term and one full-time temporary. I'll take either!

I'm sure the next step is for him to interview me. Hoping to be able to set that up for Monday if at all possible!

This gives me some hope!

I hope you get the job, newgal!

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So, because she won't get treatment for cancer and is depressed, that makes her suicidal? Just trying to figure this out, I didn't know that would count as being suicidal. I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, unless I want to get kicked out of this house and be homeless. That's probably what would happen.

This is just another added responsibility that I don't think I can handle. I love my mom, but surely it's not my job to save her? Especially if she doesn't want to be saved?

I can try again to convince her, which I will do, but I can't make her.
Maybe this time, if she sees that she's all I have, she'll listen to me. I really don't think she knows how important she is to me.

Yes, she's suicidal if in a passive way. She's not going to listen to you because she's detached from reality.

ETA: it sounds like you've been conditioned not to do anything about anything, as modeled by your parents. Unfortunately nothing will change that way. Talking to your mom probably won't accomplish much since I gather you've already tried that a few times. If it were my mom, I'd call emergency services and probably ask to go with her if I had no other avenue to get my own severe depression treated. There's a chance you won't be forgiven but you won't know that until you do something. Your parents will not change anything on their own.

ETA: You could also call ES for just yourself. It won't change your parents but at least you could get started on some sort of treatment plan for yourself. You'll probably have to say you're having suicidal thoughts in order to go to the hospital.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Yes, she's suicidal if in a passive way. She's not going to listen to you because she's detached from reality.

ETA: it sounds like you've been conditioned not to do anything about anything, as modeled by your parents. Unfortunately nothing will change that way. Talking to your mom probably won't accomplish much since I gather you've already tried that a few times. If it were my mom, I'd call emergency services and probably ask to go with her if I had no other avenue to get my own severe depression treated. There's a chance you won't be forgiven but you won't know that until you do something. Your parents will not change anything on their own.

ETA: You could also call ES for just yourself. It won't change your parents but at least you could get started on some sort of treatment plan for yourself. You'll probably have to say you're having suicidal thoughts in order to go to the hospital.

Oh man... I will have to think this over. One thing, I do not want to be kicked out of this house and be homeless. I will die first.

And to be honest? I think I need the treatment more than she does. Plus I am tired of taking care of and looking after others and getting nothing myself. I'd rather die than continue that way. I just can't handle it anymore. I mean it this time.



Either way, whether I do this for her or myself, they will get mad at me and kick me out and then I will have nowhere to go.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Oh man... I will have to think this over. One thing, I do not want to be kicked out of this house and be homeless. I will die first.

And to be honest? I think I need the treatment more than she does. Plus I am tired of taking care of and looking after others and getting nothing myself. I'd rather die than continue that way. I just can't handle it anymore. I mean it this time.



Either way, whether I do this for her or myself, they will get mad at me and kick me out and then I will have nowhere to go.

Well then it seems advisable to call ES for yourself. It probably won't be worse than just boring, but at least they'll start you on a treatment plan and hopefully help you figure out transportation to a T or pdoc once you're out. You can try meds and see if it helps. Nothing is going to change unless you do something. No one is going to help you in your family, unfortunately.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Well then it seems advisable to call ES for yourself. It probably won't be worse than just boring, but at least they'll start you on a treatment plan and hopefully help you figure out transportation to a T or pdoc once you're out. You can try meds and see if it helps. Nothing is going to change unless you do something. No one is going to help you in your family, unfortunately.

I know... I've known for a long time that they don't care. I will try like hell to work up the courage to do this... What I'm afraid of mainly is getting kicked out of this house. I know I've kept saying how bad I want out of this house, and I do, but not under those circumstances. I don't think I could survive that way.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I know... I've known for a long time that they don't care. I will try like hell to work up the courage to do this... What I'm afraid of mainly is getting kicked out of this house. I know I've kept saying how bad I want out of this house, and I do, but not under those circumstances. I don't think I could survive that way.

They aren't going to kick you out just for calling for help for yourself (I hope). That would be very strange. Did they threaten to kick you out the time they saw your cuts? I don't think they would. Tell them you're suicidal, since you are. Pack some underwear, jeans, nightgown (nothing with drawstrings), slippers, they usually provide toothpaste and toothbrush and soap and shampoo and towels at the hospital. They won't let you bring in anything sharp like pens and pencils. They'll provide those too. You can bring a book or magazine. ChapStick or anything like that. Lotion they may or may not let you keep (they'll hold stuff for you if they don't allow it). It will be strange but it's only for a week or less, unless you are extremely unstable. At least you'll have done something to try to change the current situation you're in of needing help and not getting it. The hard part will be returning home because your parents won't have changed. You need motivation to change your circumstances and the course of your life. It's not certain that starting a treatment plan will work, but it's possible.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

They aren't going to kick you out just for calling for help for yourself (I hope). That would be very strange. Did they threaten to kick you out the time they saw your cuts? I don't think they would. Tell them you're suicidal, since you are. Pack some underwear, jeans, nightgown (nothing with drawstrings), slippers, they usually provide toothpaste and toothbrush and soap and shampoo and towels at the hospital. They won't let you bring in anything sharp like pens and pencils. They'll provide those too. You can bring a book or magazine. ChapStick or anything like that. Lotion they may or may not let you keep (they'll hold stuff for you if they don't allow it). It will be strange but it's only for a week or less, unless you are extremely unstable. At least you'll have done something to try to change the current situation you're in of needing help and not getting it. The hard part will be returning home because your parents won't have changed. You need motivation to change your circumstances and the course of your life. It's not certain that starting a treatment plan will work, but it's possible.

I will try to do this. I am really scared.
I don't think they'll kick me out though... because now I remember was in a place before, about four years ago, for about a week, but they didn't help... and then they stuck me with a lousy therapist afterward (who I quit seeing) and gave me meds that made me sick. It actually got worse instead of better. I'm afraid I'm only going to get worse. It was one of the most bad and stressful experiences of my life.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I will try to do this. I am really scared.
I don't think they'll kick me out though... because now I remember was in a place before, about four years ago, for about a week, but they didn't help... and then they stuck me with a lousy therapist afterward (who I quit seeing) and gave me meds that made me sick. It actually got worse instead of better. I'm afraid I'm only going to get worse. It was one of the most bad and stressful experiences of my life.

Well if you go, tell them which med made you sick. They can try other things. It will probably be a similar experience. There's no guarantee it will help, but it may. It requires a leap of faith, and a certain amount of desperation. You know I wish you luck no matter what you decide.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by herethennow

and so my mom got the fever i had... and now she's blaming me for passing on the fever. sorry i didn't know "psychological" fevers are viral ....
other than that, guess i am doing ok than other days. just cherishing this because it feels like the lull before the storm. so much things to be done.

That is too funny-it's good to see that sometimes there is justice in our world

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Well if you go, tell them which med made you sick. They can try other things. It will probably be a similar experience. There's no guarantee it will help, but it may. It requires a leap of faith, and a certain amount of desperation. You know I wish you luck no matter what you decide.

Okay. And if I do go, I'll also make a list of everything I need to say beforehand, because I can articulate my feelings well in writing but I have the habit of freezing up in front of people. I know I'll need to tell them exactly what's wrong.
Thank you.