[LittleEarthquakes]

I try to help people, when is someone going to try to help me.

[tigerlily84]

Feeling exhausted and down. I would love a day off but I know I'll just spend it in bed. Actually that would be awesome lol but I would love to have the energy to go do something for once.

[angelene]

Felt okay today but I can't help thinking it was from drinking a can of Pepsi this morning... Caffeine high upping my depressed feeling to mellow? Not sure. It could also be that I'm happy to see all the snow from the storm; I don't have to go out in it, so I'm just enjoying how pretty it is.

Queen Kitty's cremains are ready. No one is going to retrieve her today due to the storm. I wonder if my sister will wait for me to go get her. She came with me to pick up our dog's cremains back in '10. We sat in the car out in the parking lot for over an hour crying about our beloved Australian Shepherd. I can't imagine the response being any different for QK...

Feeling sick, haven't eaten a thing all day, just mints and coffee. I'm all nervous and I don't know what exactly for.
I guess loneliness doesn't go away, anxiety either. I'm not sure if I'm less depressed or more depressed at times. Could be the weather, it is too cold for a "leisurely walk".. not in our winters. blah....I feel blah. I'm not sure what I'm looking forward to. I want more of a job but certain things just make things hurt more. Laying around because I don't sleep good.

[TheOriginalMe]

Didn't contact my Head of Service today, felt too embarassed and anxious. I will try again tomorrow.

[waterknob1234]

Originally Posted by herethennow

Not feeling good. Guess I was right - the two days of feeling better was just a lull. God when will this end.. Im just tired.

The thought of just ceasing to exist is becoming more elusive. But theres just so much to do and so much things depends on me and so i just trudge on without any breaks for myself.

Seeing pdoc and T this week. Not looking forward to seeing pdoc - the previous time I met him, all I felt was me not being heard. All I felt from him was annoyance, just because I failed at succeeding an attempt (again) and pdoc is giving up on me. At that moment i didnt feel like talking (was also having a fever) so i didnt have much strength to talk. So i tried my best to talk and couldnt even talk loud and he was angry at me for that... I dont want to see him ever again.

I think you need a different pdoc. Our doctors are supposed to help us. My medical doctor is very kind to me for which I am thankful. I completely understand how you feel because I am there with you.

[waterknob1234]

On the whole I was doing better. Then today was horrible! Maybe it was the full moon. Everybody at work was so nasty, except for the head doctor. I was chewed out the minute I walked in the door this morning, then I just wanted to leave. People were griping and complaining and not helping. To make matters worse I felt sick because I think I am coming down with a cold.

Then I thought of all the things that have changed in my life, and not for the better. My children have grown up and left. My daughter is going through a divorce. I miss my parents who passed away 5 years ago. I sometimes wonder why I keep on living, for what? If someone told me today I have cancer, I don't know that I would even fight it. I feel sad and lost.

[Blue Fish]

Felt ok this morning, then my husband left for work, he's gone Monday to Friday every week. My T cancelled my appointment today, was going to be our last session before she refers me out. She apparently sick and will call to reschedule tomorrow. Then I felt really bad and still do and I can't seem to get out of my head

[LindaLu]

Even with extra planned hours to review our document, it went out again with new errors. Told my boss okay so it's not just me, we are all struggling with this document. His response was the same indifferent "ok thanks for update." Honestly I should be able to walk out the door and find work somewhere that's more humane.

[angelene]

She couldn't bear to leave Queen Kitty at the vet, so my sister picked her up despite the snowy/icy/windchilled mess outside. The wooden urn has her real name inscribed on it and contains some of her fur and a place to write memories. It has a paw print with a halo over it inscribed, too.
It's beautiful yet heartbreaking.

Today was the first day of not going to work with my vacation. It's hard to believe that I have the time off. Went to the doctor today to discuss treatment options. Nothing too new on that. I heard it all before.

Spent the morning and afternoon with my friend. It was nice that he came with me to the doctor's appointment, but I felt like he talked a little bit too much. Also he wanted to me stop at three stores for him. Each of the three stores did not take long for him to be there, but I'd rather have not gone to them.

[QUOTE=waterknob1234;4252259
Then I thought of all the things that have changed in my life, and not for the better. My children have grown up and left. My daughter is going through a divorce. I miss my parents who passed away 5 years ago. I sometimes wonder why I keep on living, for what? If someone told me today I have cancer, I don't know that I would even fight it. I feel sad and lost.[/QUOTE]

I'm not in you position in life exactly, but I feel very much the same way you do. It seems like within the last few years of my life, there have been changes and they are not for the better also. Mostly with health issues I have been dealing with. They are minor, but the ones in the past I have gotten over. And then other issues come along. And besides with me being single and getting up there in age, it's been harder to make friends and having that special someone in my life. Along with my parents being long gone and my two brothers & sister being more separated. I wonder why I want to keep going also. I discussed that with my friend today. He couldn't come up with too much.

[Rose76]

Spent the day watching TV and felt very peaceful.

[Espresso]

You know what sucks? When your depression is entirely circumstantial and your prescriber of psychiatric medication refuses to acknowledge that.

Actually feeling okay today - - not like I don't want to face the world as I felt for about a week. Can't help but wonder if it's related to me hooking up with this staffing agency that has a couple paralegal jobs open. The guy I interviewed with sounded really encouraging about being able to find a job for me.

I'm not looking forward to going to the museum to volunteer today though. I was involved in a project that I made some kinda big mistakes on. They're correctable; it'll just take some time - - on my part and on the part of the manager who will need to explain/show me how to correct them.

[LittleEarthquakes]

Depression is a materialized demon that follows over my shoulder throughout the day, not literally, but yeah that's how it feels. I'm having a better morning than I was yesterday though.

[herethennow]

so T unintentionally showed me my true dx... been curious ever since i saw pdoc wrote Axis II on my admission notes.

i don't know how to feel about this.
while i guess it's true, part of me doesn't like the idea. /sigh

Originally Posted by herethennow

so T unintentionally showed me my true dx... been curious ever since i saw pdoc wrote Axis II on my admission notes.

i don't know how to feel about this.
while i guess it's true, part of me doesn't like the idea. /sigh

What is your true diagnosis, if I may ask?

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by newgal2

What is your true diagnosis, if I may ask?

MDD w/ BPD traits.

sounds not so much but :/ while i know it's true, i am resisting it for some reason. gah.

[regretful]

Today and tomorrow are probably the last two days I'll check in daily, mainly because of unfettered, un-monitored access to a PC. I'll be returning to an old job that I had 10 years ago - still not sure how I feel about that, but it's better than the nothing that I'm doing now. Still doing okay off the medication, and it's nice to awaken without the nagging pain in my stomach that Viibryd caused. I'll be checking in periodically; I'll keep you folks in my thoughts and prayers as this fight, for all of us including me, continues.

[Bark]

Wonder if my fatigue is how my depession is materializing. I go to bed many times feeling like I'm on the edge of depression, but I don't let myself get sucked into the thoughts. But the fatigue is still there. Maybe I haven't eaten well? The smell of delicious reheated food is filling the room and I'm feeling too tired to eat. It feels like 9 hours of sleep is not enough. Staring at a screen keeps me awake, but I'm not using that time wisely. Feeling too tired to study. Maybe I'll at least read a paragraph of something, try and get in the habit. But I'll eat first. But tiiired.

Apparently I forgot I'm still sick. That could affect my energy levels. But the fatigue is always there.

Part of me feels down, part of me is hopeful. At least I called to get help for my son again. He is in the middle, between being eligible for help (well he is), but needs maybe another assessment because high school is so difficult for him.
At least some support MIGHT be on the way. In the meantime, I need to take better care of myself. Realized I haven't eaten again today, I don't know what is up with that. I guess I'll find something, I'm out of bottled water, I know I sound picky, but our water is often brown here and just doesn't hydrate me. I'm too tired to go out for it, and sore after mopping and vacuuming. At least that is done for a little while.
I had what I thought was a bf, and he promised to see me tonight. Somehow I don't feel hopeful. I'm so lonely. I need a village to help me, I live in a small town, but somehow don't have close friends or family that is close enough.. I'm rambling... Hugs to all of you struggling with this depression.

[magical loser]

i just cant muster up the energy/motivation to do anything. even things im supposed to enjoy/hobbies. i just dont care. i just dont want to do anything. and i dont kno what to do

sometimes i feel like i can only manage a small amount of something each day and once ive managed that i have nothing left to do anything else. sometimes i dont even get anything done. im such a pathetic failure + waste of space...

[anisepower]

Feeling ok today. I was so down the other day I cried to myself before I went to sleep. I'd probably feel way better and be less stressed if I didn't have the concern of being able to afford groceries while I'm studying. I hope to change that soon.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by Bark

Wonder if my fatigue is how my depession is materializing. I go to bed many times feeling like I'm on the edge of depression, but I don't let myself get sucked into the thoughts. But the fatigue is still there. Maybe I haven't eaten well? The smell of delicious reheated food is filling the room and I'm feeling too tired to eat. It feels like 9 hours of sleep is not enough. Staring at a screen keeps me awake, but I'm not using that time wisely. Feeling too tired to study. Maybe I'll at least read a paragraph of something, try and get in the habit. But I'll eat first. But tiiired.

Apparently I forgot I'm still sick. That could affect my energy levels. But the fatigue is always there.

I feel the same but I have anemia, it's awful