Am I broken?

So I'm 30... I try not to think about it (which is usually an effort made in vain), but I woke up today with the immediate thought in my head that I'm too out of touch to relate to people my age. I don't skype or kik or twitter or any of that crap. I hate social networking and most things technical. I have recently heard of this thing called 'coding' that is all over the internet. I had to get it explained to me, and I felt really out of touch with the modern world. However, I still really don't give a **** about stuff like that.

I have to say that the thought of getting older has ALWAYS terrified me. Since I was 16 I never wanted to get to be 30 years old. I guess I just always hoped I would either get killed or something. I had attempted suicide on three occasions between my early twenties to the last time when I was 28. I really, REALLY did not want to be 30 years old. There were a lot of other issues that I was dealing with that compounded my reasons for attempting suicide, as well.

Ever since I was a kid, I never talked to other people my age. I talked more to my teachers and aunts and uncles and other adults than I did to kids my age. I thought the dumb kiddy **** that was their primary concern was stupid and found very uninviting. NOW, however, I seem to talk mostly to people in their late teens and early twenties because people my age or older seem to be too 'grown up' and caught up in careers or families and such. Or they seem to be into stuff that I just don't care about. The inherent problem with this is that I have very little to relate to when I talk to this younger crowd. I grew up with interests that reflected that of an older person, and now I feel really out of date.

Another thing that really depresses me is that I have yet to do anything with my life. I have gone to school for advertising design, Automotive technology, and Cosmetology... every time I have found that I just wasn't as interested in it as I had initially thought. Needless to say, I have a lot of student debt that could have been avoided. I am defaulted multiple times and I really can't pay it as I struggle to get by with a min wage job. Oh, I was also in the military for a short bit. I got discharges for having a personality disorder. I guess that should be mentioned as well. I have Borderline Personality Disorder... it isn't something that I really regularly think about. But I occasionally remember that I had that diagnosis a long time ago. I've tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but it doesn't do anything for me. So I just kinda forget that it's diagnosis until something reminds me from time to time.


I am living with my parents, yet again.... I have been moving in and out of living with them since I was 18. I keep trying to get out on my own, but I just keep getting knocked on my *** by life and frankly, I'm just tired of getting back up. I don't have the financial capacity to live on my own. I have always lived with significant others or with friends and roommates. Even if I COULD afford it, I don't think I would ever want to live alone.

I mean, it's no wonder I'm, single. It's probably better that way. I mean, I'm kind of a mess. I am a bit of a slut too, but I often wonder if I purposely make myself shallow and unavailable when it comes to relationships because I'm afraid of getting close to anyone again. I've had 2 very long term relationships in my life that destroyed me when they ended. It was extremely hard to get over. Since then, (and even more so since I have been out as Transgender), I have felt as though I am never going to be taken seriously and since I only have my looks for so long, I have to make the most use out of that while I can. I feel like no one is going to love me amorously, so I have to get what i can from what I've got, in that respect. I have since been with about 40 sexual partners. Most of them have been one time things, and a good handful I didnt even know their first names.

I guess what I'm trying to get around at is that I woke up today and just feel like a total waste of life. I look at myself and think, "what the **** am I doing?", and even more so, "What the **** do i even WANT to do?"
Before anyone suggests it, I HAVE seen professionals over these issues. Many, in fact. Over the years I have been to at least 4 or 5 different psychologists...psychiatrists? I forget which is which. I've actually seen both, but mostly the one that you just talk about your problems with. Only on one occasion did I go to one that tried to suggest medical treatment. Regardless, none of that has really done anything to help me. I have talked to my friends and family to the point where I am just a broken record and I just get the same responses and suggestions that don't work until everyone eventually just tells me some variant of "I don't know what to tell you."

This is going to sound like a ***** thing to say, but I really don't find any solace in knowing that other people feel the same way. I really don't care if I'm alone in feeling this way or not. It doesn't really change the fact that I feel this way, now does it?

:'(

MG, Welcome to Psych Central. Sounds like you are in a dark place. Other people in similar circumstances have chosen to go to a psychiatrist or therapist to help their situation.

There are forums and articles at PC that may be of interest
Depression - Forums at Psych Central

Psych Central - Trusted mental health, depression, bipolar, ADHD & psychology information.

I've done that... multiple times. My parents MADE me go to the last one after I tied killing myself. I find the sessions to be of little to no help. I mostly kept going for a bit because it made my mom feel better, but eventually it seemed like a waste of time and money to continue to go.

I guess I should have posed a non-rhetorical question with that post...

What the hell am I supposed to do with myself at this point?

I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle that proliferates itself. I'm NOT going to do things I don't want to. Or continue with things that don't work for me. I mean, I have trouble following through with things I LIKE doing.

I can accept that not everyone gets to be happy in life... I mean, it's probably more likely that more people are unhappy than are. But if I accept that fact, then what exactly is the point of even trying? I mean, is it worth it to be around if all you get to do is constantly struggle and suffer?

Is there some way out of this other than doping myself up? I'm very much against taking medication.

Counselors and whatnot haven't done much for me. They all seem to be saying the same thing, and within all those words they really seem to say nothing at all.

I just feel like there isn't any way out of this for me and I should just give up and stop trying to do anything. Just stop talking to everyone and become a shut in for the rest of my years. And whenever I finally die, it will be weeks before anyone even notices and there won't be anyone at the funeral. Or there is the alternative to waiting... but I mde a friend a promise that I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. I would have to make her hate me and never want to speak to me again before I did anything to myself again, but 'm not ready to lose that friendship.

You're right, it doesn't. Some people find comfort in knowing they "are not alone," but that feeling is not universal.

Personality disorder + depression: the conditions magnify one another, unfortunately.

What's your opinion of the diagnoses you've received?

Make yourself at home, Murdergurl.

Hi murdergurl, I honestly can relate. For a while I never thought I would make it through to my twenties, yet here I am. Family members were my only friends, especially the older relatives. I'm terrible at small talk and causal conversation. Sometimes I have self-destructive thoughts, but I'm slowly learning that these thoughts of being an utter failure are delusions caused by depression. Knowing you're not alone doesn't always seem to help, especially when in a major depressive state. You might not believe me just yet, but I know you will overcome this. Try to ignore the torturous thoughts that spring in your mind by seeing them as the pointless thoughts they are. All the best

The diagnoses of the psych(whatever)ists that i've seen?

I find that they all sound the same. rehearsed. empty. Their advice rings in like something out of a little kids pep talk storybook. The most common thing that was ever told to me is that I need to live my life by what makes me happy and not put myself up to the standards of others. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I mean... duh! I don't know what I want. I haven't know what I want in, well... ever. And I'm getting old and outdated and Im still not sure what I want and the longer I take, the less likely I am to find it. I may never find it. I'm just going to waste my life wandering around searching. While that "life is about the journey" credo might work for some people, it doesn't for me. I'd like to have some kind of idea as to what the hell I'm doing or where i'm going. I'd like to actually have an interest or be able to commit myself enough to something so that I can CARE about it. But I can't. For the life of me the things that at one moment may hold all my interest and attention, eventually become dull and bleh if I stay with it for too long. I can't choose anything... so I have chosen nothing. I don't want nothing.

As opposed to the delusions that a person is a success? I understand that the perception of failure and success is all highly personal. I've met complete wastes of skin that thought they were king of the world.

Being a 'failure' is completely in my own perception of myself. I understand that. However, I like the way I think. I have no desire to reset my train tracks and go a different route with my way of thinking. That would mean basically saying to myself, "Everything that you are is wrong... be someone else if you want to be happy."

If that's the case.. then why bother? I want to be happy as the person that I am now. I want to achieve something AS I AM. I don't want to go about rearranging myself again, I've done that all too many times over the years and I'm through with it. This is me, and I'm sticking to it. I can't bring myself to believe that the only recourse would be to redefine myself. I'm too jaded for that anyways. If that's my only option, then I'm done.

Speaking as an anonymous guy on the internet, I know what you should do. Go to post #74 in this thread.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

It's got what I think is the best plan for dealing with depression. The first step is to check for the MANY COMMON purely medical or nutritional issues that can trigger depression. Step 2 is to try all the non-drug treatments, especially those that are great for your health anyway like exercise, improving your diet and meditation. The thread described something to try called "SNAP CLUB". It is easy and fun and it really works. I think it only makes sense to go to drugs if nothing else works and you are still in really bad shape.

- vital

Thanks for the advice. I am also not a fan of medication, so this was helpful.

One maxim that irked me was the common "fake it 'til you make it" advice. Do I have to really put up a front and throw away my authentic self through life? Am I forced to wear a facade for the rest of my life? One way depression ensnares us is by giving the false pretense that we ought to be happy being our depressed selves. Of course, it's impossible to be both happy and depressed. I think we should avoid defining ourselves by our state of mind or emotions. Sadness should pass like happiness or hate or love or anger. When under extreme sadness, however, it's hard to let go and let ourselves change. I really think it is possible to be our true selves without depression. All mushy-gushy, lovey dovey, "sunshine and rainbows" talk aside, you will be able to push through this.

The impaired ability to desire anything or sustain a desire for anything is a classic depression symptom. Regrettably, too many therapists either don't appreciate that or assume the simple "realizations" they offer are sufficient for 80% of the people they see.

Meds might help, but in my case the primary effect of the meds is to make me not care I don't care.

Ideally, it would be great if you could find a psychologist/therapist with extensive experience dealing with chronic depression.

Hmm, I'm not sire what my medical status is, actually. I feel fine, physically. Iknow that I have better eating habits than most people I know. Call me finicky, but I avoid junk food like the plague and I won't even touch a soda. Tea, water ad juices are about all I drink. Granted, this isn't because Im a health nut. I just don't like greasy, processed food or sugary drinks. I actually don't like sweets in general.

I probably exercise more than the average person. I don't have a car, so I wind up taking buses and walking everywhere, and my job has me running around the store all night. My sleep habits suck, but that isn't anything new and tbh I get along just fine with a handful of hours of sleep.

Meditation is... well, a bit too hippy for me. I find the idea of it silly and it's just not something that I could ever take seriously. It's a lot of the reason why I find DBT to be a big joke.

I'm not sad ALL the time. I can destract myself. However, that desn't absolve me of all the underlying reasons as to WHY I get depressed. They are still there... even when I ignore them. When I'm not down about it, I am still rather frustrated avout the situation regardless. When I inevitably dwell on that frustration, then I get depressed and swallowed up by it.

I don't know about that. This isn't some newfound issue. The age thing was since I was 16... and now I'm 30... I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself since somewhere between 18 and 20 and being very upset about not being able to BE anything. Thats at least a decade of yet-to-get-through-this.

Yeah. I hate how it is made like the answer is so simple. I'm sure it would be totally simple for someone with the drive to see it through. :/

> That's a big N O to meds for me. I don't like doctors, I don't like prescriptions, i dont like the need to pretentiously misrepresent who I really am just to 'get along'.

Ideally... I dunno. I don't have any faith in 'professional help' anymore. I'd likely go in with a mindset of shooting down everything they say... It seems to be a pattern of mine that only feeds into itself. I've become rather proficient at it.

This is a bit of a shot in the dark (cause you apparently have BPD stuff happening) but try "SNAP CLUB" as explained in this thread

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

You will probably think it's ridiculous, but try it anyway. It really works and it's really the opposite of redefining yourself. It's meant to put you directly in touch with who you are already, now.

Fellow Star Trek TNG fan,

- vital

Given your outlook, which is a perfectly valid one, maybe the goal is total self acceptance. Totally accepting your self as you are in this moment. Whether that means success or failure, like you say, is up to you in how you define success and failure. I don't know how much happiness that strategy brings but I can tell you it brings much contentment and inner peace. Only comparing yourself to the self you want to be or not be and F#$#@ everyone else is very freeing.

ok, sure... why not. I'll let you know how that goes. I am failing to see how that solves anything, though.

...it also sounds like a gateway to becoming a self centered b!tch (I am not directing this at you personally, btw). I could easily see myself falling into that role if I stopped caring about what others thought. It also seems like a easy way for me to become complacent and lazy and not ever try to better myself. Just my personal view on that. :/

I could see how this might work for certain people, but I'm very misanthropic and I have a bit of a sadistic streak. Left unchecked, that wouldn't be good. j/s

I am confused by your statements then-

Do you want to change how you think, feel, and act, or don't you?

I am suggesting that you start at a place of total acceptance of how you are right now in this moment with brutal honesty and go from there. Then decide who and how you want to be based on what you truly want for yourself and not what society or other people say you should be. Total self acceptance does not mean an unwillingness to change it means facing reality and deciding what you want to change. I guess you could say changing means being someone else but I see it as being a better you.

In reply to my post you seem to be saying you don't want to except yourself as you are and want to better yourself. This would imply change.

Which is it?

To change without changing seems rather impossible.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well, I don't want to change who I am, no. But I would like to be able to do something with myself... the problem is, I don't know what. I can't even choose anything. I can never BE anything or DO anything for too long before I lose interest. ESPECIALLY if it's only for myself. I tend to stick to projects and such a little longer if it's my firend's thing, for example. She had a dance team, and I would hel her train her girls. On my own, I don't really bother doing much because it doesnt matter enough to me. Or in a nand I had with my other friend. I would make music with him, because it was his thing... on my own, nothing. Not because I think I can't, it just doesn't matter if its just for me. But floundering lke this is going to leave e alone and with nothing... and very soon. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I am basically in the same position as some 18 and 19 year olds... only with a decade more years on her.

I don't want to be anyone else.. not mentally at least (there are physical things i'd like changed but thats another issue altogether). I LIKE being me. I just don't like where being me is headed.

It's kindof like asking for the party without the hangover, huh?

help*
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...gawd I hate this keyboard -_- ONLY on this laptop does this happen

Ok I get it now. The big 3 0 got you thinking about it I am sure. Not a matter of being but doing. Do you mean career wise? like in earning a living? or just in general interests and hobbies?

I have always had a career that I sort of fell into by accident. Was never my intention. I always liked it very much though. But now at 50 and my whole circumstance in life I have no idea what my future will look like.....limbo land.

I am the same way. If my buddy asks me to come over and help him clean and organize his garage or work on his car I am all motivated and gung ho. When it comes to doing it for my own garage or car I have no motivation at all.....so I call him and we use that trick to motivate each other and trade off. I have had so many interest and hobbies over the years. I get to a certain point and get bored and drop the whole thing. I suspect that when it comes to not doing things for ourselves for the sake of ourselves there is a self esteem issue going on.

well, it's not like i haven't been ruing being 30 for a log while now. It;s not a sudden onset.

And yeah, I've been told I have Horrible self esteem.