[LookingForMe]

My husband came home for his five days off. Thats why I wasn't here for a few days - he wouldn't understand my need to come here.

Anyway, after a couple of days of him being home I started to get irritated by his criticisms. I had been trying so hard to be positive about myself. Even the things that he thinks are jokes erode my confidence now and he just doesn't get that. I told him that a couple of people complimented me on hair at work and he said laughing, "The liked THAT?"

So I tried to talk to him about it but he got defensive. He says he's trying to help me by pointing out my flaws. If I'm not told what is wrong with me, how can I fix the problems? I told him that I need to hear what is good about me...what he likes about me. His reply - He's not a woman. That's the kind of things a woman might say. Men don't say things like that. What am I anyway, a child, that I need to hear stuff like that?

Well, I ended up just crying. It seems like I'm going to get nowhere here.

dexter - I tried to read you Understanding Depression article but I couldn't open it even with Acrobat reader.

[dexter]

Do you have version 5 or 6 of the reader? if you are using an earlier version you'll have to upgrade it, 6 is current. It is free at the adobe website
-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[LookingForMe]

Thank you so much dexter for responding. I've been feeling so down. He headed back to work (for his next 5 days) without even saying goodbye. He's turned the whole thing around on me saying that I've done the same thing that I've accused him of. I've criticized him.

The thing is that I don't believe that I did. I just asked him not to criticise me so much and asked if he would try to find some positive things to say instead. I told him that it would really help me if he could do that.

I get such mixed messages from this man. He'll do many loving things that show me he cares but his words always make me feel like I'm lacking somehow and no matter how I try I can never get it right.

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. And tomorrow I'll get an e-mail telling me he's sorry. And for a couple of days he might tell me I look nice or something and he'll think thats good enough, then things will return to the way they always were. If I try to talk about it any more...he will accuse me of "going on and on" about it.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know if there is anything I can do.

I do have version 6 of the Adobe reader but somehow it still doesn't seem to work.

[LookingForMe]

Sorry dexter..I wasn't very clear. The hair thing was only one example.

When he said he was pointing out my flaws so I could fix the problem he would be referring to things that he wasn't 'joking' about. For example, we'd wake up in the morning and he would comment right away how terrible my breath was, thinking this would be somehow helpful - meaning I might run right in the bathroom and brush my teeth. Or If I sat down to drink my coffee before making the bed, telling me I was lazy..is somehow helpful. Do you see what I mean? I can have this house spotless when he walks through the door and he will find the one thing that wasn't done and comment on it before he even says hello.

Now don't get me wrong...the criticism isn't constant...but it gets snuck in there throughout the day and there are no positive words to balance them although in his actions, like I said, he is quite the opposite.

He just called by the way asking if I'd like a deck built on the back of our house (we are having a house built). Its his way of trying to make up for leaving the way he did.

Jeez....reading this, he sounds like a (insert curseword). The thing is I know it stems from his own background and insecurities. I think he feels that he need to put down me in order to raise his own self esteem or something. But knowing that doesn't make it much easier to combat.

[texdave]

Your husband sounds a lot like I was-before my wife filed for divorce! It doesn't sound like you have problems that can't be overcome though. You are absolutely correct about your husband's insecurity and self-esteem. It also sounds like he craves attention. Since you know he probably isn't going to change, maybe you could work on his self-esteem. In other words, give him everything you want for yourself. It may take some time if it works at all, but it also may make him aware of his own behavior. Your husband isn't the only one who can fill your needs, try to focus on people that you know will support you the way you need it. The man has a lot to learn, I hope he doesn't have to learn it the way I did. I was a master at criticizing, rationalizing, and justifying.

[LookingForMe]

I have always tried to give him positive feedback texdave. I comment often on his good qualities. I compliment him sincerely because I truely believe that he has many great qualities. I have no problem telling him and showing him and I think he does appreciate it but when he perceives even the slightest criticism ( sometimes even when there is none) towards him he acts like I've done him a terrible wrong yet feels fully justified in criticizing me regularily. I don't get it at all. And he doesn't see it.

Keep talking to me texdave. Help me out here. What changed your way of thinking?

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[texdave]

She divorced me, and I had no one left to blame. What really changed me was that I hit absolute bottom and had to start finding a true spiritual life. I went back through my past, what we call in AA a "fearless and searching moral inventory". Sounds like you've tried the "reverse" (of criticism) approach already. Have you read the post with the article on boundaries? It has some very good information that I think applies in your situation. Try to remember that all that criticism is not your truth, it is his truth, and it may not even be his, just his own coping mechanism. It seems like he does express his love for you, though it is not in the form you would like or need. Men in general don't like admitting mistakes, we are afraid others will percieve it as weakness. As exasperating as it seems, all women have to read between the lines somewhat. If you could find some literature on communication, it may help. Might even leave it in a conveniently conspicous spot, after you have read it yourself of course. My ex-wife read "The Road Less Travelled" by Scott Peck and it helped her immensely. Unfortunately, I didn't read it until after we were divorced. It is a very good book.

[LookingForMe]

Could you direct me to the post with the article on boundaries?

I will get the book "The Road Less Travelled"...I've seen it mentioned here a couple of times now. I'm pretty certain that he won't read it - he's not much of a reader but I would like to.

Thank you texdave for your help. I hope we can find some way to overcome our problems communicating. Its one area that Ive been feeling is missing in our relationship. It would be nice just to be able to have a conversation without having my opinions belittled or feeling like I'm bothering him. I have had conversations with other people, men and women, and have been treated with respect. Lately, though I find my self-esteem is so bad I've just stopped joining in conversations.

I've even thought to start treating him the same way he treats me. Maybe I should start criticising him for every little thing. Or tell him something that hes excited about is a dumb idea. I won't do this. But I'm tempted to.

Texdave -I apologize for laying all this on you. I'm hurt and venting.

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[dexter]

>>I do have version 6 of the Adobe reader but somehow it still doesn't seem to work.

Are you getting an error message? I'd like to try to figure out the problem if possible and if you have the patience.

Have you been trying to open it in your browser? If so can you try downloading it and then opening it from your hard drive?

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[atrester]

I have a similar situation. I have depression and ADD and am a recovering anorexic and my husband sometimes talks to me like I am a child. He is very critical at times and he says he is trying to help. He really is a sweet guy but I think he struggles to cope with me with my problems that keep me from accomplishing things in a house with 5 kids in it. I have tried, like you to ask him to focus on the positives for me. He is a very sarcastic person and loves to tease me. Yet he says things that NO ONE should say to an anorexic, OR a depressed person for fear of relapse or other problems. I think your husband sounds similar. Also I think it is hard when you are away from eachother for a time then together again. RE-entry is always hard.

I am so sorry you have this problem. I can talk to you anytime!

[LookingForMe]

Hi dexter. I am getting an error message. The page just comes up blank.

I did also try to open it in my browser. I get an error message stating that the viewer cannot decrypt this document.

Does this help at all?

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[dexter]

hmmm... can you tell me what the error message says? (is it the same error message as the one you get in the browser?) The file does not have any encryption on it, no password or anything.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[LookingForMe]

I have no idea what I just did dexter but it just worked. I think the Adobe Reader hadn't actually installed completely or something ---not sure. I opened it before and even typed in the URL there and was getting the same error as before. Now suddenly, I click on the Reader and it opens up to a full screen (it wasn't doing that before - just a half screen) and fooled with it a bit and voila!

Now I am going to go and enjoy your article. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[dexter]

that's good. maybe it was waiting for a full moon or something. stranger things have happened when it comes to computers

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[texdave]

Please don't apologize for reaching out. In fact, it may seem cold, but when I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm not in a relationship, I can read posts like yours and remember that another person cannot make me happy or fulfill me. This is a great help to me! It's been too many days to remember who posted that article, I think it was Sept. Morn. There must be an epidemic of this problem, my ex sister-in-law is on the verge of divorce for the same reason, a communication breakdown that her new husband can't seem to get past. And she is "sure" counseling wouldn't do any good. How can we possibly know that? Isn't it worth a try at least? My ex and I went but did not stick with it. I do not regret trying, what do we have to lose but a little money? How important is that in the end? When the mind closes to possible solutions for fear of the results we deny ourselves of a great learning opportunity, which is important, because regardless of the results, "I" will still be here, and if I don't learn anything from failures, I am bound to repeat the same mistakes.