Anger and Distancing...when I need help

I do not know if this would be triggering so I will push the trigger thingie just in case.

I am going through yet another depression. God I hate it. I find myself angry and shooting from the hip. I have a friend that tells me she notices that I use my anger to push her away when I need help. I feel so powerless...perhaps...maybe that is where the anger comes in. I do not know how to let people in. I can let others in...but I have problems letting others in.

I am sad and angry and feeling like I need someone to give me a hand to take. I am so confused....and so alone.

I got off meds recently when my pdoc suggested a new med. It did not work despite a long couple month long haul trying to make it work. I am now off I suppose while we figure out where to go now. It will be a long weekend. I feel stuck in the sewer.

I do not really know what to say but I had a difficult session the last time through...difficult truths I suppose. I feel like I have shown anger to people that like me and I am confusing them and myself. It keeps me distanced... protected... yet alone.

I can not believe how much a person can cry... do the tears ever dry up?

I have been in therapy for depression for a zillion years.. or 22... I am saddened that I am in the dumper even after all that time. How much therapy does it take to fix a person?

Thanks for listening or at least offering a place to vent.

Part of the thing in therapy is how I do not let people in... I let him in... but I am too well defended.

What a hodge podge of stuff. Sorry....

Grrr I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so!

It's a vicious cycle, this one of anger and depression. Have you checked yourself out on the most basic of cognitive distortions (sticky posted at the top of the psychotherapy forum) ????

Black and white thinking, along with catastrophizing...

For some of us, we may never break totally free of depression (it's a medical illness too imo)... and how long you have been suffering or working on healing has nothing to do with TODAY... and we have to always focus on today, first.

Saying it will be a long weekend can be depressing in itself. Try a good reframe if you can, on that one. Have you tried all the medicines that have worked for some for depression? Why not, when you are angry and your friends notice, have a key word for them to say to remind you NOT to be angry at them, and to try and do some things with them. Distraction is good for depression. It is when we can no longer focus on anything but ourselves and the mess we are in that depression tightens it's grip. Do all you can to resist.

BTW, therapy doesn't fix us... it helps us to suffer less... and less hopefully... TC

Ive just read your post and just want to say i hear what youre saying and i care about you.Id like to send you lots of happy smilies but they arent working for me today,dont know why

Thank you both so much for answering. It is like tossing me a life raft or something. I have to say that venting here helped me and your responses helped me.

I have to say that I am often strong and have developed many skills over the years as I get to know myself. I think that there is a certain point that the depression gets away from me... and then I switch in to catastrophic mode....and then catatonic. So it was important for me to be able to reach out here. Thank you.

I like the idea of having a buzz word but then what does one do with the emotions. I know that is a question for the pdoc.

I sent my pdoc a fax yesterday that included... it is time to get back on a med. I considered taking the residuals of the last med I was on but am holding out for the pdoc...maybe. I am trusting him to find the right med for me based on my symptoms though the last one was in a different category and unfortunately did not work. I think I hoped to see how I might do with the meds out of my system. It has been years sinse I was off meds totally.

I think that I have reached a difficult time of my therapy and also hoped that being off the meds would allow the vulnerability to come through but alas... too much vulnerability.

I hate my anger. I am a kind person so there is a split. It is confusing that I am the kind and not so kind person.

I think that therapy allows us to work to fix ourselves or make things less painful....by understanding and letting us reframe / reorganize. I just feel that at some time.. perhaps now.. the walls are thick or maybe insurmountable. That is frustrating as in this case I have developed my own walls/boundaries that most of society does not use or understand. Though I know we all have our own.... I am going too far with this.

I am familiar with CBT and will go to the yellow stickie and see what might help me dig out today. Just being heard helps me so much...

Thank you.

Might I ask on the page that shows how many replies there are and how many people have read... What are the figures in red as opposed to the black?

Though I am not feeling grand still I am feeling better for the moment. This will allow myself a chance to grab pulling up a bit more.

(((((((((((SecretGarden)))))))))))))))

Don't know what to say, but just wanted to say I'm here listening. It must be so hard for you right now, I haven't got a clue.

BTW, the red numbers mean you've got that many replies in that thread you haven't read yet. The black numbers is how many posts/replies there are in that thread total.

hi.......i understand your feelings as i'm just pulling out of one of those drain swirling depressions......and i think some of the anger comes from our not being able to "fix" ourselves......

i know that i really get upset that i can't just work my way out of all of this. and i've been on meds for years and years and years..........mine are working pretty well right now and we just adjusted them and i think that's what is pulling me up again.

hang in there. it will change. that is one constant. xoxox pat

((((( Secret Garden ))))))

You sure ARE a kind a caring person.And fun and intelligent and interesting!

I understand that your anger frustrates you very much. I didn't realize though how lost you feel when that happens and I'm so sorry you feel lost. I wish I'd given my hand instead of my defensiveness.

Secret Garden is a newbie and reached the max number of posts a newbie can make the first day, but she asked for me to post to say that she very much appreciated everyone's replies and that they really helped.

In her words:

Fayerody- I can see why you are legendary. You really hit the old nail on the head. I appreciate your empathy and relating your thoughts. I fluctuate between saying I want to bump up therapy and I need to just accept what is. I feel that accepting what is is like giving up...but then hitting the wall of difficulty. So emotional.

Canders- Thanks for your encouragement and thanks for letting me know what those red/black numbers mean. That helps with a bit of the bogglement

Secret Garden will write more tomorrow when she can!

ECHOES