Thinking about distancing with men over codependancy

Thinking. Don't want to allow someone too fast into my heart, "world completely yet" so what to do.

They are all so interesting but each friend has his flaws and since I am frightened by each flaw I generally take leave .

This dosen't mean I "Love" someone any less, no, maybe just enough. I have to take care of my needs and my worries keep me up at night. I am B.P. and for me to live ok I guess I have to do what I have to do for my equaliberium.

I used to feel like a ***** having one night stand style sex [using STD protection]but realize with my bipolor and stuff, i can't afford to have breakdowns, don't want to be alone on my days off and need to have fun. I sound cheap but actually i am trying to take better care of myself by limiting exposing myself to what I can't handle. It isn't cold to treat people like that. Codependancy could be really bad don't you agree?

You've been thru a lot lately, moving and getting over a breakdown. What you're describing is risky behavior, even dangerous to yourself physically and emotionally. Can you not step back and be calm, solo, for a while? Give yourself time to heal and regain your balance?
Healing thoughts,
Patty

have you thought of making women friends so you won't be lonely, men are nice but there not the world

I wanted to add that I know the gentlemens for over 3 years and just began to take it to the next level; not pick up some strangers. All three of them are old friends that i have developed good friendships and knowledge of. I slept with them though. There has been about three years of true friendship with Paul, three years of great conversations and laughing with Will and one year of time well conversed over much coffee with Larry. I eventually had sex with them but it was good and there was a great bond going on much long before, I just don't want to be "his girl exclusevy" because I know I'm bipolor, have sleep problems, eating problems, mania at times all on my worst days, but deserve to be a humanbeing and enjoy myself and not feel low class because I won't settle down. As long as I use proper Std care, i ought to be ok. I have not patronized any of them with phoney "I love you's" I won't be a fake. I won't be a codependant any more. I want to be happy and don't want to be ordered around and know with my permeant condition emotionally, this is best for me. I don't feel like a cheap ***** or immoral. I genuinely see each man's beauty (and FLAWS, but that's reality) I don't fight with them because I leave too soon. [i can always go back when i have a better less manic day]

If I am less of a person when I walk away, than I shouldn't have shared with him in a relationship.

Beginnig to recognize that intimate sharing is special and not meant to waste on a thrill.

Want to be less codependant. Can give less and less and be loved more and more.

In a ten year marrige it failed because I gave and gave and recieved less and less

Your post was so surprising to me because where you're at is exactly where I'm at in my life now. I am also BP (1) and had some long-term co-dependent relationships that were verbally abusive and physically abusive, passive-agressive, battering abusive syndrome, rage, controlling, contradiction of reality, and just plain ole crazy-making behavior (the latter being definitely which I have read in BP books the type of person we cannot be with due to our need of stability. I must admit I was with my ex-husband and he did indeed keep me stable for 17 years. The day I left him he said that I would never make it out here because he had stabalized me. He was right. For 11 years I've been a mess and began self-medicating (now only beer) and have had many depressions. However, I used to feel like you did; there was no way I would ever have a one-night-stand. Now I realize that one(at least) of the above mentioned negatives will pop up. I'm finally just having fun with different men (of course there has to be a little dopamine high) and for the first time in my life I'm OK with it. Sure, we still dream of our idealistic relationship but it doesn't exist without a lot of issues being discussed (sometimes they won't even), he said/she said, they don't stop looking at other women and turn their backs on us after sex. Sorry for the rambling right now; I'm so tired and hurt because right now my ex-husband is back East with his wife and my three kids for Thanksgiving. Maureen

Maureen, it takes a special kind of lover to be us. So hang in there, try on some love again. Reaching out there is not sin. Sin is regretting yourself, telling yourself you are washed up useless and never again will you have deserve any one good thing ever. B.P. programs that feature. The way out of that relationship loop is self-esteem. Even "sin" has a way out for us. We can't paint dirty words upon every action fullfilling the needs we have especially with the B.P. Don't you think that we have a gift with this ailment? Don't we have yards of feelings that we know well over the years (me going on 47)

Slut, No! The more the world screams loudly to me, I have to step back, and re-evaluate my intentions- if I see that I am doing good and all than I relax and ignore the loud words that I hear such as "You have to date one boy at a time. It has to be done this way because this is the "one " tried true way to get it done, there are rules and must be followed to be a good girl. etc.

Does anybody on the board know what codependency is? It is illfitting marriages that probably "never" should have been, but "became" THE SOCIAL MORES WERE VALUED TO THE POINT OF people all people especially every and all types (how many types are there of people and to have "One Right Way that it is done for this" Can some one do some logic here. What moral truth, what logical truth exists in the fallacy? Has my friend Maggie's rules of order began to banish all sane survival approaches? Are people to follow the dictates of other people in choosing the one to share a small house with that is 600 sq. ft for the next 45 years. Someone please be logical.

Choosing a mate is serious business for everyone. No one please tell me "no one " Only one rule of conduct applies to all.

I am not a slut. I am being choosy. I am dating a bunch of men I know from here and there for a while. I am a moral lady. I am a gifted great unusual lady and so are all of you. Get off the pot though and get real.

I don;t like russian rullette especially with mates and getting invloved. I would rather be honest and kick a bunch of guys to the curb- preserve my sanity----- and theirs too in the long run--maybe even find somebody----kind of sorta of closer to compatable. Aint I worth that much ?

I have tried it the other way myself, and with B.P. it is like wearing an advertisment on my back that says "Beat me, Im yours "

dddd

I'm sorry to say this to you, but I think you are setting yourself up for much heartache. Really, what happiness are you finding from having multiple partners? Also, you cannot blame BP on this, Jenny.
Patty

I think you are too complicated. If you trust your higher power and have enough self esteem you would be able date. If you really dated and really tried to find someone wonderful, it would be worth all of the backache. You could have the stamina to be successful but you don't want to have it because you moan and groan and act like it is a bad thing to have a fantastic person in your life. YOu act like the hunt is not worth it.

I hate to critizie but so many people today are too lazy to hunt for a compatable person. Instead they function by tradition. They tell themself that they are "old " now and that it is just too late. Well you will live out the decisions you have made. All of us can get a blessing if our heart is in the right place, if we have integrety and are believers in good outcomes. These are the things I have. I deserve a prosperous life. I don't have to settle for less than that.

Anything that is good takes prayer and usually a bit of work.
It is never too late

Codependence is a demon!!! I've lost my husband and what were what I thought were best friends ever due to my codependence. I think people with a good heart are more prone to codependence than others. Honey, don't think of yourself a *****; I think that is just the way that those of us who have really been burned, it is part of being bipolar. From experience, what you are doing is the same thing as some going on spending sprees; but of course, that doesn't seem as bad. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and I think it is just part of this demon we have to continuously fight. Just please be careful. Hopefully, someday we can be able to trust and get close. I am in some kind of relationship now, where I do live with this guy, but mostly just as buddies; however, there is sex involved somewhat. This is probabl not a healthy situation, but at least I am able to laugh and have a good time, but most important, like you, don't have to be alone. Luckily, he understands where I am coming from and luckily he is not looking for a commitment or anything, but then again sometimes I feel like I let my guard down and could be getting too close. It scares the hell out of my and I talk myself back down. Dealing with codependence and other issues of BP is a beast, but someday we will get a grasp on it.

What you are describing is similar to mine. I know that the severity of codependance is awful and has put me into precarious almost deadly situations, so actually everything is great compared to years ago and I do have something to be proud about as far as safety and security issues as they stand today.

yah girl i know what you mean,. its so hard to distance yourself so you\ try to treat everyone like a stranger even when you are lonely.
I pray Gd sends you the right man soon and he sees thru your stuff-the right man will take it all!!!
BE YOURSELF!!

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

What is codependency? What's the definition?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

I don't care what sex one is; one is using the other person if they enter the relationship, especially sexually, with the intention of "distancing" or getting out when it's rough for one, etc. It's not a recreational sport, it's a dialog between TWO people and doing only what is right for one's self, disregarding/not listening to the other's feelings on the matter is using the person for one's own benefits. One cannot, no matter what one does, how one does it, "control" another person; their reactions, backgrounds, how they respond to us, etc. And if one gets into a "pattern" of behavior, it's not something that can be easily changed later. Turning yourself off now will make it very difficult to change later. We're not equipped with a "switch" that we can flip when the mood suits. "Free" behavior is just the other side of codependent behavior, the other end of the spectrum, not a healing activity.

Hope you are feeling well and enjoying the true loves that you have. I agree with and more fully understand the definition that you pointed out Fayerody. Going to the site you gave sounds like a good idea for me.

I am doing a balancing act. I am tired. I date b. than after 2 days E. wants to go on a date. After 2 days l. wants to be around me. It is a merry-go-round. I don't have to buy cigerettes, I ..

FIRST TIME AT THIS SITE. RE: CODEPENDENCY A GOOD SITE YOU MAY WANT TO TRY IS CODEPS.COM AND ALSO "NARCISSISSTIC PERSONALITY/MSNGROUPS" AND BOOKS BY SAM VAKNIN. THIS SITE HAS HELPED ME SOOO MUCH IN REALIZING THAT THO MY DEPRESSION HAS BEEN INTENSE; I AM IN NO WAY CRAZY, BUT SUFFERING FROM WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS DONE TO DAMAGE MY PSYCHE! THESE PEOPLE "FEED" OFF OF RAPING THE SOUL! YES VIRGINIA,,,THERE ARE VAMPIRES AND BOOGEYMEN (AND WOMEN) ALL AROUND US! AT LEAST I KNOW NOW THAT I AM A VICTIM OF ANOTHERS MALICIOUSNESS. I AM NOT CRAZY1 I AM THE VICTIM OF A SOCIOPATH1 MODEPRESSED

I hope all of you here who are labeling yourself "codependent," realize that that term has become a catchall for any and all dysfunctional, and sometimes even NORMAL caring behavior in relationships.
I am very familiar with codenpendent philosophies and theories, having poured over and even memorized many of the majoy books on the subject.
I also attended the 12 step program of CODA, which I found to be misguided among the members of my particular group.
I am very familiar with the work of Sam Vaknin, himself an admitted Narcissist who is beyond redemption, who does not have a degree in Psychology or Counseling, yet he has posted a major website drawing people into his theories,etc., and the only person allowed to give feedback on that site is....well....Sam Vaknin. Be very careful of what you think you are gleaning from him as knowledge and insight. I should also add here that I too was a member of one of the MSN forums of which you speak, and Sam was not given much credence there.
In the end, I think the term and condition of "codependency" has become too broad. Fayerody has given us a very clear, textbook definition of what was originally intended in the condition, but it has evolved to represent anything and everything that doesn't work out in a relationship.
Finally, I just want to comment on the nature of this thread, which has evolved from the original subject of sleeping with numerous men in a laisez faire arrangement to "doing your own thing and being all you can be" to codependency and BP. There is nothing healthy in engaging in sex with multilple partners. It is a "fix" for a temporary high and an escape from emotional pain.
If one truly feels she/he is "codependent," then the only recourse is to get help, either with counseling or in some sort of group.
Sincerely,
Patty

Update:

It has all been worth it. Spreading my self too thin so to speak was well worth it. I -yes-felt like on a merry-go-round (Being a Dater) and that was the only bad thing maybe but well worth the tired trouble and recommend to you that is better than uninformed choices.

I am sure that unimformed choices that females make are demise for them. Why can't women, especially, quit the crap. They are not *****s. They can be choosey and have a right to make informed choices in dating and "looking"

Traditions of man will hurt women and very much have literally. I think you should do what I did because it works. Date 4 or 5 guys at once. Just use scheduling, bounderies, saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Be assertive. You can do it.

Oh by the way Merry Christmas. Namaste

Me and my chosen love are so so so happy. Wow-Wee.

Oh, Seeker1950, could you tone it down. Who specifically said they slept with all 5 men? Clarity needs to be forthright. Yes the potential of sinning is great when I expose myself to so many "males' in confined spaces, but I didn't have to sleep with the males. Can you elaberate on what you meant and do you have a painful personal experience that can help us because it can help with this topic. I definately definately respect that idea of too much sexual abuse happening in dating time. I am so so against taking advantage of someones body from either side wheather it is the woman using him or vice versa and I totally totally agree on the very very danger if you date more than one person (like 5 men at once, which I definately did in the past 4 months, which was as I said before a merry-go-round. It built my self esteem. God it built my self esteem. I finally kicked Larry to the curb, James to the curb, John to the curb, and Brett to the curb. The man I "Chose" is so respecting to me because he is sure I chose him . I can now see Larry, James, and John and Brett as just friends and my life is so so so so so so goooood. Wow-Wee. Try it, it is worth it. You can do it. Namaste. Thankyou seeker1950 for pointing out about sexual intercouse. I am clairfying that it is dangerous to do all 5 and since I didn't I can't say it was good bad or ugly and don't have S.T.D.S

It sounds like you found a nice fella, Raz. I'm glad for you.
I don't really understand what you meant by "tone it down." I was just voicing my opinion.