[Smileonmyface]

thinking i should get off my butt and be productive but to no avail. had a nice weekend but dreading summer. i usually feel this way until about september when it's almost over. need to get off the computer and take care of the kids, the house. but i'd rather be on here, preferably under the covers in the dark bedroom where i don't have to see the sunshine so much. eh, i can dream. but reality bites. at the same time i love the kiddos. they make me laugh. it just feels like so much energy i don't have.

Well, just got back from ECT. I had so many ECTs and they didn't help all that much, but over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling better. Hopefully the shift in mood will hang around for a while. I think I'm going to try to go without ECTs and see how it goes. If I start feeling depressed again I can always go back to them.

Mondays and Fridays are long days for me because I don't volunteer on those days, only Tues, Wed and Thurs. I'll probably go to an AA meeting later on and otherwise surf the net and continue with my online job search.

[Rose76]

Haven't slept at all this past night. This is happening every few days and I'm sliding downhill.

tired but was productive today.

[JustTvTroping]

I went back to feeling numb again...just when I thought I broke my cycle of emotions. I give up. I finally admit defeat.

[Angelique67]

I'm so alone. My friend is saying he has no idea when he can visit again. And I need his help with a bunch of things! I am so down. I just smoked a second cigarette and now I'm upset about that too. At least I think I got that out of my system for now - wanting to smoke. But yesterday when the lights went out I was so rattled I kept looking for smokes instead of automatically reaching for my vaping thing. I didn't smoke yesterday but here I am smoking now. So stupid. I'm so alone. I wish it were all over.

[lizzyjb]

Sick of me. Since I have reason I feel I don't fit in any place. Always, anxious, always crying, always sad. Unhappy with anything. When I am unemployed I want a job, when I have I job... I hate having a job, I am always unhappy an always win pain in my soul...
I am down. Always down...

[Apathy123]

Everything feels grey and dull and I'm uber unmotivated. I went to work today but didn't accomplish much.

[dandylin]

Kind of floating in limbo. Waiting on job interview results.

exhausted.......

[TheOriginalMe]

Feeling pretty sore, my arm is pretty badly bruised and I had to carry my work laptop home, it is made of lead, it must be nothing else could be so heavy.

I had a stiff neck and bad headache this evening and when I have a headache my dog doesn't cuddle me, I missed my cuddle.

I have lost quite a lot of weight and some nice winter clothes now fit me, but the weather is too warm for them. I want to lose more weight, but then next winter the clothes that fit now might be too big. A good problem to have I suppose, but I'll never afford such nice stiff again.

My anxiety is still problematic, but I don't want to take Diazepam as it makes me even more depressed.

[unhappydaze]

Originally Posted by JustTvTroping

I went back to feeling numb again...just when I thought I broke my cycle of emotions. I give up. I finally admit defeat.

Same here. I no longer feel hopeful when the pdoc prescribes some new med (or lately, a new combo of stuff that didn't work before). Too many false dawns, just numbness now.

I feel so bad. I can't even write poems. Been talking to someone and their responses have been getting kind of short (or that's what I sense). I'll let them have their space then. But I'm lonely. I have literally no one and I'm running out of reasons to stay alive.

I know I have a lot of things to stay here for right now - like family. But I don't enjoy my life at all, and I feel like it just won't be worth it in the end. Like, one day I'll be 80, looking back on my long life

Possible trigger:

and regretting that I didn't just kill myself when I wanted to all those years ago, because my life turned out to be ******.

Sigh.

[tigerlily84]

I've been having the hardest time going to sleep lately. I ended up oversleeping and being a half hour late to work this morning! Since I started this job, I've never been late... Ugh.. and because I had to rush, I forgot to take my meds, and I was thrown off for the rest of the day. I've been doing my training for the new position while having to keep up with my regular duties. I feel like I'm being pulled a million different directions. I'm just tired... I don't want to do anything but sleep. Sorry for whining!

Still doing ok. Not feeling horrible, but the thoughts linger. Even though I've been doing well the last few days... I remember the loneliness, the pain. I'm afraid of when it comes back.

[Billtrick]

I tried to help on a photography project today. I wasn't able to be helpful. I was unable to actively participate. The entire time I was wishing to be back in my house withering away in silence. I am slowly peeling back the edges of my mind and realizing that I have officially painted the concrete. I loathe the fact that I am so pathetically useless. I wish to be something I am not and everyday I am fighting with that Image in hopes that if I just study then I will be able to change who I am. But now all I can think of when I read is wow you are a pathetic sack of ****. You are never going to be able to understand anything. You are glossing over this page and retaining none of it, and worst of all not understanding it. Why do you keep trying? It's futile. This will never change. And that's when I am reminded of my friend. Oblivion. He is somewhat of a popular fellow. Millions flock to him constantly. Why should I not join all of those nice people. They seem to be having a good time. While most people here are kinda ****** to each other. and you know what? Any little contribution I make will be of no consequence. Because I am not capable of much. Well anyway, I kinda had an awful day. Goodnight everyone.

i'm okay. i'm wondering whether I should worry/stress/be anxious about all this work or not.

I thought I had been doing better but feeling kind of low this morning. Not really looking forward to volunteering at the museum, but then again, I know I get so bored/lonely sitting at home. At least I got a good night's sleep last night. Two nights ago was horrible.

Editing this about 2 hours later to say now I feel better. Nothing changed either - - no mood-altering chemicals like Percocet for a migraine. So that was weird, and scary. Depression scares me because it's so painful and I feel so out of control and hopeless.

[JustTvTroping]

I don't want to emote anymore, especially if those have been the only real emotions I've been feeling for the past 8 years if not most of my life.

[Apathy123]

My good night last night has carried over till this morning. I'm still in a somewhat happy mood for a change.

[Angelique67]

I didn't sleep much or well because I set the alarm for 8 am and didn't fall asleep until close to 5 am. So I'm very tired and my bio rhythms are off.

[Nammu]

For the last few days I've woken up too early. I'm hoping it's not a trend. Except for low grade constant tiredness, I'm stable.

[dandylin]

Still waiting on 2 interview results. I also just got a call for another interview for an office admin. for a drug rehab. At least there is some progress

[avlady]

i am drinking tension tamer tea, my husband got it at the grocery store and boy it really wotks, my depression from early this morning is stablized, did anyone ever hear of this tea before? i just wanted to see if anyone has. thanks.

[Smileonmyface]

Exhausted. Went for blood work while DD was @school had to fast it screwed up my mood without coffee. Now home again Motrin kicking in for this massive headache. Feel guilty because husband thinks I go to the doctor too much. Then insurance covers nothing and we have medical bills. I pondered whether I should boycott all doctors and medicine just to make him happier with me but I am afraid of going off Zoloft and being the person I was before Zoloft. Sometimes I feel so guilty for my mental health issues. Rest of the day hope to get the kids outside knit and read my library book. Probably won't get to do all that but at least tomorrow we can stay home.