[LindaLu]

Tired and a little sore.
Thoughts more rational. Mood okay.
Skid car in snow this AM but didn't hit anyone.

[color14u]

I can't seem to cry anymore. It makes me wonder if I really am sad or not? I even tried playing the sappiest songs I could think of... then it just turned into rage.

[color14u]

Like the last two lines from a Dylan Thomas poem...
Do not go gentle into that good night
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

[SeekerOfLife]

D. again. I am so weary of it.

I guess I am doing okay today. Yesterday I was nervous about possibly getting the job I interviewed for. Now I'm anxious for it because I was reminded yesterday of how bored I am without a job. I waste so much time on the computer. I will find out today when my second interview is.

[Bark]

Aaand I was an hour late to my appointment because I thought it was an hour later and thus missed my appointment.

I was actually looking forward to it. Now I have to wait another week.

Blah. And my day was starting out okay.

Have to study.

[eggplantlife]

Thoughts this morning cause me to be frightened and sad. The only thing that makes me hsppy is i talked to my dog on the phone the other day.

[seeminglyreal]

Realized that I haven't truly smiled in a while, besides the obligatory greeting smile at work.

Feeling drained of energy, spent the entire day yesterday in bed. Mother felt something was wrong and came to talk to me but I shrugged it off. Woke up late for work this morning and she asked what was wrong again and offered to take me to the doctor but I said I was fine, just tired. I don't know why I keep doing this...

[dandylin]

overwhelmed

[tigersassy]

Apparently my nerve pain that I've had off and on for years particularly in the cold has a name and should be treated. Who knew?

[angelene]

Just got a text from my friend asking if I'd be able to make it down to visit her. Had to say no due to lack of funds. It really sucks because we could both use the company. My next "social" outing is going to be a funeral. I've been dragging my feet on washing the appropriate attire. At least I won't have any trouble finding clean towels since I did several loads recently.
Just feeling horrible all-around.

Good news, parents got a car yesterday, a used Dodge Neon. Bad news, I'm not well.

I used to look forward to the spring. Believe me, I still want it to hurry up and get here - I am not a big fan of winter, especially in Jan/Feb. But the trying to convince myself that things will get better in spring... I'm not so sure about that now. If anything, the whole spring season will just remind me of better times and make me depressed. Why is it all the good memories are in the past? Why can't I make good memories right now? Because life is dirt now. Things have changed. It doesn't work that way anymore. There are no fun things to do now, like there were in the past. I'm not a kid anymore and life is not fun.

Today's mood, painfully nostalgic.

[chattygirl29]

Still feeling trapped under this crushing feeling of being overwhelmed by all that lies before me. There are tasks and responsibilities I've put off for months or longer that HAVE to be addressed now and I can't seem to push myself to deal with them.

I did manage to contact a therapist and leave a message about wanting to set up an appointment. I also have plans to meet a couple of girlfriends for dinner later. They are very positive-minded, energetic ladies and I think it will be good to be around them. On the flip side, I am a little annoyed with myself for accepting the invitation to go out because I know I should be dealing with the piles of paperwork that are sitting here untouched. Its like I need to be around good friends, but at the same time, I'm finding more excuses to not deal with my responsibilities. I'm always looking for ways to escape, it seems.

I'm so angry at myself for behaving this way. I hate being self-destructive when I know better and actually HAVE THE TOOLS to do what I need to do to make myself better. I remember reading somewhere that "depression is anger turned inward". Maybe part of my problem is that I don't express anger very productively. I hide behind a facade and make excuse after excuse because I'm too afraid to do the work on myself. Gah. I just wonder what it will take for me to snap out of this.

Really bummed out. The job I really wanted went to someone else.

[TheOriginalMe]

I had a meeting with my old boss today and the Head of Service. I had asked for this meeting, or so I thought, and I wanted HR there too. Old boss let me think today's meeting was the one I'd requested. When I got there, it was only him and the Head of Service and the meeting was at the request of the Head of Service.

Basically, I was presented with the option of either come back and work for us on a project well below your skills level and we will delay giving you your notice or if you don't come back then we will issue your notice as soon as we can. That sounds like a threat to me and it sounds illegal too. I asked that they give due consideration to my mental illness which means I can't go back to that office but I am happy to work elsewhere in the organisation. If they can't accommodate that request then I will ask my GP to sign me off on sick leave again.

The meeting ended with the Head of Service agreeing to look at options for extending my placement and to wait for advice from Occupational Health before making any further decisions. Old boss was remarkably silent throughout the whole process and gave me zero support.

I don't know what to make of all of this, obviously they can't make their minds up about whether they need me or not and I think they are tying themselves up in knots getting two separate processes mixed up. There is the process to deal with my mental illness and this is already in progress; then there is the regular redundancy process, which hasn't officially started yet. Threatening me with starting the redundancy process earlier because I'm too ill to go back to that office stinks of discrimination. I don't know whether to make a complaint now or to wait and see if their threats become more overt.

Strangely, I'm quite calm about all of this, I don't have the energy to get upset. I know I should be angry but the emotion just won't come.

Thanks for reading, I don't really have any other sounding board and writing it down here helps me process what is going on.

[Rose76]

Still doing pretty good, but need to take it to a higher level. (Taking too long to get going in the morning.)

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I had a meeting with my old boss today and the Head of Service. I had asked for this meeting, or so I thought, and I wanted HR there too. Old boss let me think today's meeting was the one I'd requested. When I got there, it was only him and the Head of Service and the meeting was at the request of the Head of Service.

Basically, I was presented with the option of either come back and work for us on a project well below your skills level and we will delay giving you your notice or if you don't come back then we will issue your notice as soon as we can. That sounds like a threat to me and it sounds illegal too. I asked that they give due consideration to my mental illness which means I can't go back to that office but I am happy to work elsewhere in the organisation. If they can't accommodate that request then I will ask my GP to sign me off on sick leave again.

The meeting ended with the Head of Service agreeing to look at options for extending my placement and to wait for advice from Occupational Health before making any further decisions. Old boss was remarkably silent throughout the whole process and gave me zero support.

I don't know what to make of all of this, obviously they can't make their minds up about whether they need me or not and I think they are tying themselves up in knots getting two separate processes mixed up. There is the process to deal with my mental illness and this is already in progress; then there is the regular redundancy process, which hasn't officially started yet. Threatening me with starting the redundancy process earlier because I'm too ill to go back to that office stinks of discrimination. I don't know whether to make a complaint now or to wait and see if their threats become more overt.

Strangely, I'm quite calm about all of this, I don't have the energy to get upset. I know I should be angry but the emotion just won't come.

Thanks for reading, I don't really have any other sounding board and writing it down here helps me process what is going on.

that sounds horrible. I'm glad though you were able to tell them you could not work in that environment and throw the ball back in their court. Because it sounds to me like they were hoping to intimidate you.

[Turtlesoup]

Kinda tired this evening-did some gardening again in the sun which was good but wow I got really hot. Took a shower & washed my hair Feeling a little down but not terrible-meh. See my tdoc tomorrow which will be good hopefully.

[waterknob1234]

I am exhausted from working 11 hour days. We have one person leaving our staff and an old former employee is coming back to work with us. This is actually a good thing. The girl who is leaving was not really a good worker, or into teamwork. The person taking her place was a wonderful, friendly, smart, hard working employee so this transition will be good in the long run.

I am still suffering the effects of the flu which started a week ago. I am hoping the chest congestion leaves me soon. I am basically getting too tired to think.

[color14u]

I keep thinking I am going to wake up and feel good one day, hasn't happened yet. Still ick.

[Teacup381]

I have been working nights all week and getting up for school very early in the morning.. I am beyond exhausted. One more day of that and then I'm off for a few days. It's really hard on me

[Dante744]

Ups: Read some books, exercised for 1 hour, Cleaned my room, Slept for 7 hours for the first time in a long time.

Downs: Still feel empty and gloomy, haven't been able to focus on school for the past 3 weeks, racing and negative thoughts.

[herethennow]

..... i just cannot be bothered with recovery anymore.

Trying to forge ahead, having been blown off for the job I interviewed for. Despite my volunteering, I still feel basically useless. I really wish a job would come along soon. It's time.

[dandylin]

Feeling worn down. Tired of the parade of nurses, OTs, PTs and appointments, running through my day. I feel intruded on