hate being alone

i hate being alone even though i know there are people who are there. it just seems like they aren't 'there'. i was feeling fine, great actually. but all my friends are crashing and its hard not to crumble with them. i don't want to fall, but it seems so easy. easier than trying to be the happy one(thats just a front). i feel like i have to be the upbeat one so i can try and keep everyone from falling so far down that i can't help them anymore.
i hate to say this but i am glad the semester is almost over and everyone is going home it will give me a break to calm myself down. But then again i might not see any of them until i get back from disney in January thats a long time not to see your friends. I don't know what i am doing I really just wanted to get this off my chest and since i can't tell any of my friends (cause they are the ones i am talking about) its just easier to say here and i know at least people listen. I really dont want to be alone tonight but my guy friends is sleeping, i went over to his house around 7. his care was there and i went to the door and rang the doorbell and he didn't answer. I got so scared.. i don't know why my very first thought was that he hurt himself. but then i went to his window (to see if he was there) and he was sleeping. oh man so much stuff going on. i don't think any of this is making since its all just rambling on and on. i think im going to go to my room and just cry. most of the posts that i have read tonight have brought tears to my eyes. i hate when i am like this i don't like to cry in front of people i don't want to seem like the week one. thats probably stupid to think like that. i don't know.. well i guess im going to close... i hope i didn't waste anyones time by rambling im going to go study
andrea

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

{{{{{{{{{{{{Andrea}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It's okay - you're not rambling. You're on overload from carrying the responsibility of being "okay" in front of others, on a constant basis.

Your body is telling you it's time to relax, time for you to regroup and settle down. During semester break, try to find some alone time, just for you, so that the "front" can come down and you can do whatever you feel.

If you keep that front or mask up all the time, one of two things may happen. You could start to not feel anything anymore and then you won't be upset ever. Or second, by trying to keep it all in, at some point you will completely overload. Then your emotions will spill over and you could do something you may regret.

I understand what you are going through. My "down time" as I call it, is either at work when everyone is gone and lights are out and I can relax and do paperwork, or at home like now when everyone else is sleeping and I can be me - when I remember how that feels.

Being the strong one is hard to do at times. I'm sure your friends appreciate you and your strength, which is admirable - but don't forget about YOU.

Please take care.

Mary Alice

Mary Alice - thank you so much you have no idea how good it feels that someone actually cares. i really needed your advice and i will take it!! i know i need to take care of myself. again thank you so much!
Love always,
andrea

<font color=red> It's hard being a snowflake in a world of Cheerios!</font color=red>

Andrea,

I just want to back up what Mary Alice said. She said it excellently well - just what I was going to tell you. You are not weak by any means. It is a tremendous burden to be the one who stays upbeat to try to keep everyone else from sinking too low, and there is nothing wrong with needing to take a break from that. I hope that you will relax and have some fun and take good care of yourself and your own needs. You just can't carry everyone else forever and go on like that. I hope that they are okay too, but they have got to take responsibility for themselves.

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

Andrea, I agree 100% with what Mary Alice and Rapunzel said. Thinking of you ... (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

andrea,
i am new to this board but i feel your pain. i understand what you said in your post. i often feel the same way. especially about not crying in front of anyone because it seems like a sign of weakness. this seems to bother my therapist. but i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, i understand.

-carmen