Existential Crisis

I've been in crisis mode for nearly a week now (not to mention to life-long crises depression and anxiety bring about). I'm reaching out here because I have nowhere to turn and no one to talk to. The past week, I've been struggling with justifying existence and survival. I don't believe in God and I don't have kids (nor do I want any) so outside of the belief in something better or the desire to procreate and protect my genetic material, I can't think of any other reason to hang on to life. There's literally nothing and I'm OK with that. For me, death is the ultimate end and nothing beyond that. I've been questioning our own selfish desire to continue on as a species and I don't understand. But it's not my place to question the existence of others, just my own. I don't enjoy my life. I've reached all the big milestones that one should as an adult. I wish I could say screw it, blow all my money on things that feel good, and deal with the consequences later but I could very well be stuck here on earth for the next 50 years so I need to get by. My husband says that I have to create my own meaning but there's nothing out there that I really want to do badly enough. I just want to travel, relax, and eat. Neither of those make sense nor am I entitled to having these luxuries. So, I ask you, fellow sufferers in the digital world, what keeps you going? Why do you get up day after day, deal with the daily grind, the pain and mental anguish? What is your end result?

Anichka, you just said a lot of things I totally identify with. I'm in crisis mode as well, I too have no kids, and don't really want them. I have no clue what I'm here for. There have been times when I did. I feel like the fog and uncertainty is kind of going hand in hand with an increase in depression and anxiety lately - not sure which came first! But I've been in serious "WTF is this all for" mode, and it sucks. I suppose my answer to your question, for me at least, is that all I can do is hope I feel better and I find something to give me joy and keep me going, the way it used to. That something will spark the fire I used to have and I'll get inspired again!

Also: I don't think there is anything remotely wrong with just wanting to travel, relax and eat. If you can pull that off, then do it! To me, that's living the dream! Maybe you can just find a way to do that and make a blog out of it? Right now I can't think of anything I'd rather do than hop on a plane and go cruise the globe for a while, but sadly right now it's not in the budget.

This probably sounds super cheesy, but I'm considering taking some classes. Just some random classes I always wanted to take, like ceramics, or art history or whatever. Just so I feel engaged in something. Hope something takes.

Either way, I hope you find some peace. Let me know how it goes, as I'd love to know!!!

Hi Anichka, I have had similar thoughts(still do to greater or lesser extent). More recently I've felt that the hurt I would inevitably cause if I acted on carries more Weight than it sometimes does. I have a nephew and niece and I don't want to mess up their heads before they've even grown up. Also my husband would be devastated and probably go into hypomania with consequences for his job and security for the rest of his life. I keep pictures as wallpaper on my phone of my nephew and niece and that helps me stay safe. Do you have anyone you care about like they are for me? I don't want to sound preachy, I really get what you're saying, just hope some of my ramblings might help, now or sometime soon.

I feel the same way you do. Every day I wake up and I ask myself what am I still doing here. I'm always telling myself to find something meaningful and productive to do with my day just to make me feel like I'm actually contributing to life but nothing I do makes me happy. My life is the complete opposite of what I wanted for myself. All I can say is just hang in there and hope that tomorrow is a good day.

Thank you for the replies and the support. In response to Fizzyo, I don't have anyone like you do. I have nieces and a nephew but I'm not close to them nor do I care to be (I really, really get irritated by kids). It's hard for me to take the feelings of others into consideration because I'm the one who has to live my life, not someone else. And the reality is, most of us experience loss due to death at least once in our own lives and we move on. Our loved ones will, too. And I'm not saying I have plans to commit suicide. We currently don't have right to die laws in this country for the mentally suffering and the odds of me succeeding are not in my favor (having to deal with the physical consequences of a botched suicide and having to face my family in the aftermath don't sound pleasant). So the best of all bad options at this point is just to carry on living a life I don't want. My husband (who feels the same as I do in terms of the finality of death but does not suffer from depression and generally enjoys life) says, "If none of this matters, then why take it too seriously? Just sit back and enjoy the ride." But that sounds over-simplified because if just sitting back and enjoying life were an option, I wouldn't be here on this forum. I wouldn't be seeing a pdoc and I wouldn't be on happy pills. It amazes me how those who don't have depression can just casually dismiss serious dilemmas with frivolous comments.

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I'm so sorry, Anichka. I've been in similar situations, even though I am Christian myself. Because I'm suicidal myself I'm probably not the best person to be trying to give you advice, so I won't try. I'll just say—you are a unique person, and you are loved, by your husband, at the very least. Try to hang on for him if not for yourself. You give a piece of yourself to everyone you're close to, and if you died, those pieces would all die too, leaving all of those people perpetually incomplete. I don't know if that thought helps you. It helps me. I know you don't believe in God, but I will pray for you.

This is beautifully stated. Even though we are an infinitesimal speck in the universe, there is still a small world that we are a part of. Our lives impact other people every day. We change them and that ripples out in their interactions with other people. What keeps me going is knowing the devastation it would cause to my loved ones if I wasn't here. That got me through my darkest time and now I'm starting to feel alive again and I relish the idea that after millions of years of evolution, here I am. What are the odds I would be here? It's a freaking miracle and I want to find some way to put my stamp on the world: I was here.