Wow I am actually just not a good person

Do you ever just have a sudden feeling of revelation, like you're seeing things more clearly than you usually do and can see reality?

I feel like that right now.

It's like, wow, I just, I am actually just a really horrible human being.

I don't understand why there are still people who like me and want to spend time with me after getting to know me.

I'm literally incapable of changing any of these behaviors on my own and I can't get help for at least another year. But at least until then I'm really just not a good person.

I just am a really awful person.

I think we all feel like that from time to time, the fact you think are a terrible person, means you are most definitely NOT!! Sending you hugs from the UK.

Hello there. It's a pleasure to meet you!

As someone who also suffers from Depression, I can agree with Actiongirl that we all get like that sometimes. I have people who care about me, just like how you've said that people like you. They care about you. If they got to know you and they still like you; that means they probably don't see your "flaws" in the way that you see them. They probably don't even see flaws. Sometimes we over analyze things and we think about about subjects too much. Which alters our perception of them and we begin to bend the facts and we start reading in between the lines even though there was no deeper meaning to begin with. The same thing goes for thinking about people and ourselves. When we think about ourselves and the things we've done way too much, we begin to bend how things actually went or interpret it completely differently to how it actually was or anything else along those lines.

If you were a terrible person in the past, and you feel bad for it now, that just means that you've learnt from it. I used to be an awful, selfish person when I was younger. But I changed. I regret the things I had done and said, but that's all past me now. If you had done something similar, it's all over now, there's no need to be worried about it anymore. You're different now.

Thank you for reading and I hope you feel better soon!

The fact that you are here is a sign of getting help. Not that you are a bad person only that you need help with your view point. Reaching out is good . We all punish ourselves at times but we must understand that this can become a self destructive spiral . When we are stressed we can misjudge our selves .
We must be kind to our selves as well as others .
We don't come with an operating manual , we have to make mistakes and reach out . Give ourselves time to understand and tolerate our mistakes . Good luck on your journey .

Stillintending
I don't believe it. The most dreadful evil people are the ones who think they are always right and 'wonderful' they do not have insight nor do they look for it.
The fact that people still want to be around you says it all.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

You are not horrible.

you are a good person, i would bet on it.

Are these perceived behaviours that make you a horrible person overt, or hidden in the recesses of your mind? If the former, you obviously still have traits that draw people to you, irl and here. If the latter, you have strength of character and mind to not let these thoughts affect your daily life. Admitting a problem, either way, shows maturity and personal growth. Horrible people are incapable of this.

I do not understand why you cannot access treatment for another year. Early intervention tends to bring the most positive, quickest results, leaving issues to fester amplifies them. Is it because you are a student? If so, please try to not make that a barrier. Be honest, get an appointment with your GP. Depression is a serious Mental Health Condition, I have struggled with it since childhood due to a Personality Disorder and circumstance. Do not aim to spend the next 45 years on ADs as I have, be open - get well.

Dave.

I can't access treatment because I'm still a minor and I'm hiding my depression from my parents, whom I am almost entirely sure would react exceptionally poorly if I tried to say I had depression. Eventually I will have to tell them, but I don't want to do that until I am a legal adult and can legally make my own decisions. When I tell them I need to not be still tied down by them. That's why I have to wait on therapy, which is what I know I need and do want very much.

Until then it's just me and two friends, one with depression and the other with social anxiety, trying to hold everything together on our own.

The behavior I mainly was talking about is one my best friend (the one who's helping me but has depression himself) has called me on in the past. I always tell him that I know this is bad but I don't know how to stop it on my own and so if it means he doesn't want to be friends with me then I didn't blame him for it but he should just go. Half the time I actually just tell him to leave either way, so that I won't have a chance to hurt him.

The root of every incidence like this has been that I am incapable of turning my brain off. Literally. I cannot do it. Every waking moment I am thinking of something. As a child I was confused by a sentence in a book that said "she stared out the window, thinking of nothing" because I had no idea how that could be possible.

Consequently I overanalyze things a lot. A lot of the time I'll ask my best friend here a question, and he'll answer, and I'll then spend the next few hours or even days thinking about it until I come at a conclusion he never meant for me to draw. Sometimes it only takes a few seconds for me to reach that conclusion, just because I'm so good at distorting information these days. He says that's like always asking leading questions and that if there was something I was trying to get at then I should just say it instead of trying to ask manipulating questions. I say that I never mean for them to be manipulating when I ask them, but that they become so later on and I don't know how to stop that process.

He really should have left by now. It visibly hurts him every time I do this. Hurting him kills me. He just always pushes past it but, here's the analyzing again, he pushes every emotion he has down. He suppresses them. That's his maladatptive coping mechanism. So what if all that hurt is still there and he just refuses to admit it? What if one day I hit some kind of limit, and he can't take any more?

Why do I have to keep doing things like this? I don't want to be. I want to stop. He says that honestly a lot of my depression probably stems from that same can't-shut-my-brain-off problem and that if I went to therapy that's the first thing we'd work on.

I hate all forms of manipulation and yet I am manipulative. I can't stop it. Believe me, I've tried. I can't do it. This is just how I am, unless some form of therapy can fix me.

I'm hurting my best friend.

I am a really horrible person and I hate myself for it but I can't change. Why is he still here? Why does he still help me? He should have left by now. I'm toxic. I'm going to hurt him. Hell, I already have.

Hi StillIntending,

I am sorry you feel unable to approach your parents for support and to access treatment for your Depression. You and your friends need more help than you can provide each other, but until you feel able to speak up in the Real World (or you reach Majority), know that you have unlimited support here. It is no substitute for Therapy with a Psychologist you have a rapport with, but many of us have had years of experience.

First of all, stop telling your friend to leave you. That is simple to do. It is his choice to be your friend and to try to support each other. If he can accept your behaviour, but is friend enough to call you on it, then accept his decision and be grateful for a good friend. He sounds a lot like me, conditioned to suppress emotions and issues. This is not healthy and he needs your support and patience as much as you need him.

I understand the root of these incidents, an overactive mind, constantly churning. Of course, this will be addressed in Therapy and techniques will be discussed, but there are steps you and your friends can take together before this to help. What may suit you all as a Group is looking up and practising Simple Breathing Meditation. It is a very powerful mind clearing and strengthening technique which is easy to get results from. Practising with your friends will promote encouragement. 10-15 minutes in a session should produce a couple of minutes of clarity to start with, which rapidly lengthens and expands into times when you are not Meditating.

Over analysing, reaching wrong conclusions, distorting information and manipulation of questions could well be symptoms of your Depression. You will need to actively work on curtailing this behaviour, but one thing at a time.

It is good that you accept you are hurting your friend, better that your behaviour causes you pain. That shows you are a good person really, just with issues. He will have a limit, everyone does, but you are now in a position to change so you don't push him near that line.

Work on the Simple Breathing Meditation for a few weeks together, then see how you are for moving on to addressing your behaviour.

Dave.
__________________

Are you on any medication? I am assuming not, but I am wondering if you could try St John's Wort its available at Health Food shops and has proven to be beneficial in lifting mood. But PLEASE read the dosage very carefully FIRST!!

A lot of these negative thoughts you are having are only due to the illness I am CERTAIN, that's why depression is such a dreadful illness, it literally hijacks very beings, our personalities and makes us prisoners of ourselves.

Love & Light
AGirlx

Hi StillIntending,

You sound like a remarkably lovely person to me. Terrible people don't put nearly so much thought into how their behaviors affect other people, however, rather than dream of afflicting others with your troubles, you've taken it all on yourself. Not entirely effective, as a good idea would be to consider showing yourself at least as much kindness as you are showing others, but clearly you have a most excellent heart and that's a great place to start. Have you ever read Desiderata? It's the most lovely personal prayer which includes the passage "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." It's a reminder I've often needed to give myself.

Regarding relationships of friendship: I believe there is always some intrinsic mutuality there, each gains something from and of the other; we are mirrors unto one another through which we can also know ourselves, and no doubt your friendship has such gains for both you and your friend as well. However, sometimes what our friends gain from us can be mysterious to us simply because we're living on the other side of that coin. I think it's great that you're able to have self-awareness about what you gain, but are also interested in evolving the friendship through that awareness. To me the best friendships are those that exist over time, that grow with us in sometimes new and surprising ways, even while the broader gifts of constancy between who we are to one another also evolve.

I wish you focus and love on your continued journey. And remember, only the very best people are introspective and thoughtful enough to have depressive tendencies.

Thanks. I will try that. I know I abuse him. I want him to leave me sometimes because I know I abuse him and don't feel I have the power to stop myself, but even this I know is a form of abuse. I punish him for trying to help me. I alternate randomly between assuming that he is invincible and can take any amount of strain I put on him, and deciding to completely change my personality in order to protect him from it. When the former, I do exhaust him, and he has a tendency to run away. When the latter, I fail, because I can't protect him, I'm not mentally strong enough to, and really, I know I shouldn't need to anyway. I just love him so much, damn it all, and I don't want him to feel pain. I would take all the pain he has ever experienced into myself, if that would free him of it.

When the apostle Paul said in Romans that "what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do," (referring to sin nature) I feel he wrapped up how this feels to me rather well. I would like nothing more than to either proverbially or literally, I don't really care which, burn myself up to keep him warmer. But I can't. I literally am incapable of that. I know because I've tried. Instead, I attempt to be the best friend I wan be, inevitably fail, and become a panicked and depressed alter-ego who comes to pummel against his own frail emotional state until we are both exhausted.


Lol to the last bit. To the rest, very insightful, thank you. I do think he needs me in some ways, but a lot of the time knowing that just serves to make me feel worse in thinking that I can't deliver what he needs of me. If I were healthier I could focus on helping him more, but I'm not healthy, I'm far from healthy, and that knowledge leaves me in perpetual agony.

My username is Still Intending, but sometimes intention isn't enough. He probably stays with me and loves me because of my intentions, because my intentions are where my heart lies and I think he knows that. But unfortunately, my intentions are oftentimes not my reality. The disparity between the two causes both of us much turmoil.

As I think I must have said several times by now, I feel like I'm abusing him. He claims I don't. Given how I've said I've acted towards him, though, how could I not be?