Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Had to take one of the pills I got off of, to sleep yesterday. But I feel better today. Will have to have these teeth looked after, the only option he gave is one I can't afford. Waiting the pain out and hoping it goes away.

Not sure how I managed tto be better and worse in the same day. My...chest cold, or whatever it is, is getting better, and I went and did some grocery shopping, and I've started eating more normally again.

I also just curled up with a pillow and cried for almost 15 minutes. In the last couple hours I found myself rehashing old thoughts about how I'm so shallow and stupid I can't even do depression right. I'm full of guilt and fear, and I've lost most semblance of drive at last. But mostly I'm just lost and empty and I want someone to hold me. Maybe being sick is making me sadder.

really down. started out well. took a shower got dressed even painted my nails and put on earrings. then mood just plummeted. took kids to storytime but library was closed sucks. why do I bother? it feels worse on the weekend during the week I know I am alone because husband is working. on the weekend I am alone because it feels like he doesn't want to be around me.

((((((((( smileonmyface))))))))))
I feel for you hun .I'm going through a depression too. I saw my therapist on Thursday afternoon she has a way of making me feel better . I was crying when I was waiting for her to come into the office on Thursday afternoon. I was literally in tears when she got into the office . my therapist and I talked about it in counseling Thursday afternoon .



Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs=75 mgs when up past 1:00 in the morning

Today I hate myself for being one of those people who needs, desperately, to be told what to do and think, who has no original thoughts and does it wrong if they try to have any.

Now that that's out of my system: I've been fairly numb these past few days, except for 10 minutes or so each day when I cry like crazy. The fact the my body's falling apart probably isn't helping my mood. I can't seem to want to do anything. Too busy self-hating or distracting myself.

Sometimes I just get fed up with living.

It is Valentines Day today. I send my love to you all, my companions through the universe. I am going out today with a sweet kind man. I don't think we fit with each other except in gentleness. I started thinking of all the other things that don't fit in my life. My house has my ex's tools, clothes, old papers, and just stuff everywhere. My house has my kids toys everywhere too, and they are all over sixteen. I personally do not want to throw away my candy and my books. Is it okay to be a mess? Maybe I will fix little things as I go along, it is just important to remember that I have possibilities. I sure do have a voice that sometimes gets going and lectures me, to craziness if l let it, that possibilities are not good enough, not safe enough, and they made of hot air which defines me. I seem to cling to them like a stubborn donkey so I had better start admiring my donkey profile.

Sad and very disappointed with my T.

Sad and dont want to sleep.....mind going in circles....

Up. I choose to be happy.

I finally figured out how I was able to stop daydreaming like that. It turns out that I just need to stretch a lot. Exercises like anything cardiovascular have never been able to help in that aspect. So after all of these years of daydreaming A LOT and pacing back and forth for hours at a time finally have a way to be avoided for me.

I post here too much.

This is the second day I've spent utterly sapped of motivation due to shame and self-hate. I just can't bring myself to do anything productive, I'm too busy being sad and trying to suffocate that sadness, lol. Maybe tomorrow.

not wanting to eat or shower, so disgusted with myself...

I can't say my life, apart from my mental health difficulties, has been difficult. Median class family member that never knew monetary difficulties, family members with good health (until know, if I forget depressive issues and personality problems)... I had always had good grades at school without much work and my family only expected it from me, as my only job.

Of course my mother is mentally ill, she has a personality disorder and sometimes is very hard to deal with her... And as a child I was physically and emotionally abused several times, even my parents loved and cared about me. They were only taught to parent like that, they had it worse.
I may say I am lucky, compared to many people, I certainly have been.
But today, for certain reasons, complicated to explain (professional future insecurities and some work I have to do and I fear it) I am thinking that life is really hard and uncertain.
I feel this way, but I know that compared to many people I don't have the wright to complain. My problems may overwhelme me, but perhaps they are small, and probably I am over reating.
Yet I feel that my breeding was unfair and mean.

I'm really really bitter. Why.

Depressed..

I'm very depressed today, trying to drag myself through work. I feel like I've been posting here way too much, since I just registered, but it's nice to have more space to talk about my problems. Right now I just spill everything to my boyfriend at night, but then afterwords I hate myself for it.

Worried.... Petrified.... Scared yet......I don't really know.

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Got some sleep and made a new friend so it's a good day

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Grrrrrrrr and

Having a hard time lately. Sick professors, selfish roommates, weirdos, misogynists, and political/religious fanatics...it's hard dealing with any of them, but all at once...

I keep telling myself that I'll be in a better place soon, since I've already got into graduate school. Less than 6 months until I start a new life...but in ~3 months, after I get my BA, I'm going to run out of money. I tell myself there's no reason I can't find a full-time job for the summer, but I have old trauma surrounding a workplace incident, and it's really nerve-wracking to even think of working again. Plus, I've been having such consistent trouble getting along with people for the last year or so, that I'm worried about my ability to even hold a job. I wish I could just take out another loan to tide me over the summer, but my credit went bad after the madness last summer, and I don't have a cosigner.

I'm just really scared about my ability to make it through the hard times I'm going through, and that I know still lie ahead. I'm especially worried about snapping and doing something crazy with so many assholes around me stomping on me. Suicide keeps flashing through my mind as an option, as the only way out. I don't know how many times a day it occurs to me now.

I guess that sounds kind of alarming. I wonder if I should talk to someone about it. I'm too embarrassed to call a hotline, and my school always charges, so I don't know who I'd turn to, though. The only thing I can think of is one of those online counseling services....not sure what I think of that.

I know I need to get through the time ahead, though. I'm so close now, to so many things that I almost gave up for good so many times over the years. I can't give up now, not when I've already earned and won them, not when they're so tantalizing close. I need to let the light at the end of the tunnel incentivize and energize me instead of losing hope in reaching it. God help me do that.

You will be in a better place soon!!! Please don't give up just for money. You are almost there. You've worked so very hard!!! Do get some help. Are you taking your meds? Any help is better than no help.

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feeling very numb these days.
don't handle changes very well.
have so many things to take care of but can't seem to start/go through with it.

on the plus side: just emailed my previous therapist to see if he still wants to see me and maybe can help me getting started with meds. i feel like that's the only thing that's gonna help me for the long term.

Felt like I was turning the corner Tuesday and Wednesday, but I woke up feeling horrible.

We've been trying an increased dose of Zoloft and Gabapentin. It's been eight days, and I think I'm worse. I know I'll likely need to switch meds, but I know that takes time. Just need to endure a bit more.

Today is already miserable. I'm so glad it's my last day of work for the week, but the weekend is never long enough anymore.

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