Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

feeling gutted.

1 of my fave comedians died this afternoon... just 62!

losing so many good celebrities in 2016- it's not fair

Don't have nothing to right... Can't explain my feelings by words.
What's the difference between no one writing something for you, or asking someone you don't care to write something for you. So you don't look like the only one without friends. I am going to write something for myself.

Seems like this has been a grueling week for me. Monday I went to the Lab for a blood draw and urine sample and then they couldn't take me. Tuesday I went for a preliminary check up with the doctor. Wednesday I went back to the Lab and they took me. After that I expected to get my results, but didn't. Today I got my results. Mostly good but some items are questionable. When I got home from work, I got a voice mail from the doctor's assistant. That got me riled up because they don't just call for a small reason. I called back and the assistant was gone for the day. Why didn't she call me at work? So I have to wait until tomorrow to ask what this is about. Had tremendous anxiety about this.

Having to deal with that plus my friend is still not well. He sounds better, but has a way to go. He said that he will visit the doctor tomorrow. He's 80 and already had some health issues.

I'm yo-yoing between anxiety & depression still. Less depression the past couple of days but only because my anxiety was through the roof.

Less anxiety today, but the depression is there in its place now.

Can't win.

I know, they are dropping like flies... all of them "sudden" too, or at least to us. Tragic.

Bad sleeping nights always give rise to terrible days.
5 hours of sleep and a day full with anxiety.

Of course when I talk about anxiety I talk about social anxiety.
The traditional academic celebrations (in fact to months earlier than when I complete all the credicts) are here. First week of May and the tradition put us (finalist) in the place that we feel it's all over (it's a century tradition we call it Queima).
So it began. Everyone now is asking everyone to write some message in our finalist ribbons. The dinner/dance is next friday. And this is a excellent time to make me feel alone.

People don't ask me to write something for them. I have four ribbons to feel with air. And I don't have the courage to ask someone that doesn't care that much about me to write me something.

I feel this people are different from me, just coleagues I can't blend with, or I know I am not important to them. So I feel bad asking.

I gathered with some of them this afternoon and I can understand what drives me appart from them. They were talking about matters of the soul...friends with beneficts, trying to mess with each other by implying romances. A girl tell another a boy that if he need he could call her, in what I assume with a third sense, that he broke up with is girlfriend and was down about it.

You may think, totaly normal topics, I maybe agree, and understant that I am the problem, not everyone else. But, probably one of the things that contributes to me fealing worse is how they talk so sereously. When the topic was about who should give the firts step and a girl said she waited 6 months for the boy to do the first move, the rest of the group found it weird, like it was to much time. Clearly they feel comfortable in throwing their emotions to their love interest.
And if they knew about me they would be chocked. Because whenever I have some sort of feelings for anyone I hide them even from myself. And I realy feel discomfortable about the serious way they talk about these.
I would mind so much if they talk with a little bit of humor, and not just that kind if humor like..."I touched XXX with my finger" told in a completly innocent way. But for their twisted minds is ilarious. I just felt unconfortable...Metaphoracly, they are all at the same side and I am at the other side of the door.

No one besides a girl of my class asked me to write something for her. If they don't want a memory written by me, why would I ask them to do it for someone they don't care about?

I have my Maths final exam on 5th May. I already failed it a few times, I have terrible problems with learning this subject since primary school, had 3 private teachers, nothing helps. And unfortunately in this country you need to pass this in order to get to uni and if you don't, then all of your other results will be erased from the system in 2018. I'm 21, I should already be gone to uni two years ago... I can't take it again, I don't even leave the house since I've lost my job in January, and now I have to go and spend two hours in a school bench. It's so embarassing here not to pass basic Maths, people call you stupid and retarded. And I have some great results from other subjects, because I was a pretty gifted student. Yet all of my peers are so far ahead of me.

I hate always feeling so worse, because this is not the only thing I have difficulties in.

I don't speak to anybody anymore.

Despite all of this understanding of myself I've gained, I still feel like I can't go on. The rage, the sadness, the intrusive thoughts are all haunting me.

I feel I'm somehow feral all the time. This stops me from doing anything, from going anywhere, because I fear I will do something crazy. I don't feel sane. Never. I have terrible insanity phobia, constantly checking myself for schizophrenia symptoms. It's so exhausting. And these intrusive thoughts about suicide are really distressing too. Because on one hand I wish to know myself and to live my life, but on the other- I feel I cannot accept myself, that I don't want to be who I am.

The weekend is about here, thank goodness! Been a grueling week both at work (lots of heavy items coming in) and personally (doctor's appointment and a Lab). It's over with for now, so I can do my usual domestic stuff tomorrow such as cleaning and shopping. Unless something else comes up.

My results from the Lab were very good. Everything passed with flying colors, except that I'm just a little bit short on the red blood cells count. I have to get tested for it in a month or so.

Felt very depressed and anxious during the day, even though everything is fine. So stupid for me to feel that way. But I feel great tonight. I went for a one hour bike ride after work. Had a nice dinner of spaghetti, salad, and a little red wine. Showered up and it's a nice cool night.

Another day of feeling pretty miserable...

I don't really know what I am doing with my days at the moment. Basically sit around all day just ticking over browsing the internet or listening to music. I'm still keeping on top things that need to done on the whole, but it's more like I'm just on auto-pilot...

The only real enjoyment I get at the moment is reading before bed. I'm thankful for that at least.

I've only been feeling like this for a week. I almost feel like a fraud posting here... but it seems like forever... it is true I haven't been truly happy in a long time though.

I'm just counting down the days until I see my psychiatrist... 3 more to go...

My heart goes out to everyone who has been suffering with this for a long time...

So very tired of this life, the pain, the emptiness. I'm confused, anxious, and alone. And, I don't matter in the grand scheme of things, I'm nothing but an unwanted interruption.

Struggling lately. Trying to keep going but truthfully I don't think I can for much longer.

An OK day for me. Did my cleaning and shopping today. The weather is very nice outside. Not much going on socially today. My friend called me this morning. He sounds much better now and almost back to normal. I wanted to see him today, but I couldn't make the time to drive over to see him. Plus I don't want to get near his since he's recovering from that virus.

I don't feel bad today. But having some occasional bouts of the depression at times. Springtime is the time of year I get depression the most.

Today...

I feel drained.

I hate how quickly everything went from going pretty well, to terrible.

Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired....

Feeling like I am just missing something today.

So far a so-so day. Went to church this morning and got together with my friend. It was the first time I've been with him since he came back from his trip on April 14th. So in a months time, I've only been together with him twice and very briefly each time. He seemed down in the dumps. He's doing better with his virus, but there's lingering stuff from it still.

After lunch I made my spaghetti sauce. It takes some work to put it together. I forgot one ingredient to put in, so I guess I'll have to do without it.

Other than those things, nothing much else to report about. The depression for me is very off-and-on.

Day started off well then I started thinking about certain triggers which put me down in the dumps.

Waiting for Karma.

This morning wasn't very good... but my mood has improved a little this afternoon.

Seems as if it might drift away with the slightest breeze though, so I am making the most of it whilst it's here... not that I actually have much motivation to do anything, but still.

I revisited the list of symptoms of Atypical Depression and realize my hold on stability is tenuous.

I can't do it today. I tried so hard to make today bearable, but I just can't. I can't work, I can't function. It's been almost 6 weeks now on meds, and I'm not feeling better. At all.

If people were to hear the angry and dark thoughts in my head, they would tell me to just stop being negative like the others have. I understand though. What else is there to say??? They can't fix it.

Deleted for boring patheticness.

I don't really know where my emotions are today - they seem to be all over the place. I can never seem to maintain stability for very long.

Up & down today but rather feeling worse for wear now.

Saw my p-doc today... basically said that he would generally want to see symptoms for 3 weeks before diagnosing depression. Some question whether my anxiety issues may partly be exacerbated by my mild psychosis but hard to tell.

Decided to go back on Citalopram now rather than wait. I was on it before for anxiety & it worked wonders. If my low mood does persist, hopefully it will help that too.

I guess the next couple of weeks will bit a rough adjusting to the meds though.

So far so good