Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

The last few weeks have been pretty bad, feeling very low but this weekend was good. Feeling better. Probably going to crash, but I'm enjoying things now.

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I know what I need. What I need is to get away... like a vacation. Too bad I can't. I need to escape for a while through something other than substances. The holidays were nice, but kind of smothering. I really want to do something just for me. I wish.

An alright day, but I had a lot of dreadful feelings when I got up. I felt like I heard messages; both from the radio and online that spoke directly to me as to what I am doing for myself. The messages seemed convicting to me.

Had lunch after church with a friend of mine. He asked me if I want to go to a place for lunch. I accepted. I wish that he would ask me ahead of time. We went to the place to eat, but I was not too impressed with it. I prefer to eat at home than to eat out. Plus the place was pretty noisy.

I'm hoping that Monday will be a good day at work. Mondays following New Years Day tends to be the worst day of the year to work. I feel very let down now that the holidays are over.

Thanks. I wasn't going to reply to this, but today I learned more about the incident - apparently it was arson. I was able to get my stuff out though, yesterday, now it's just a matter of finding new housing.

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Been a random emotional rollercoaster today, also the first day sin almost 6 months when I could speak do all day online. I've been scaring some people with my worldviews, and made myself cry this morning - I'm much calmer now, though.

It's great that you got your stuff out. I hope you'll find a good place asap. I'm almost in the same position only mine is due to my "neighbors".

Today started with way down, but ended with up.

Today is/was my last day off. I took 4 days off and it helped. Yesterday I felt like I was ready to trust a doc enough to schedule an appointment to get some much needed help, but that was Saturday. Now it's Sunday night and I feel myself dropping back into my depression and antitrust. I just want it to stop. I am so tired of living for others.

feeling stable. feels really good. i would love for this to last

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People, when I open up to them, push so hard for me to get a job or go to school or get a therapist so that I can magically fall into some kind of maybe positive routine and get better but I have what is supposed to be "the answer" in my hands and it's not working. Like when I did those things was I any better? Have you just run out of things to say to me. I feel people are stressed out with me; I know. I feel guilty.

It feels like my brain is rotting.

I laugh at other people for what they say to me sometimes. I'm disrespectful and acting self-indulgent and entitled and waiting for a person to save me or for a better mood. I feel disrespected and I'm letting resentment build because I'm stuck in my situation and can't crawl out and I hate that. It feels gross and mean and like sickness and I want it to disappear.

Sometimes, in my mind, I am very upset at people, they really bother me. I know that my feelings are not fair, but my feelings are just there, like my suffering from depression is there. Sometimes, I do not fight against those feelings, I let them be, I name them, I say I am angry, I am upset, then I feel better.
I think it is good you are writing about your feelings here. Somehow, it is going to help you

So I downloaded an app to track how much alcohol I drink... It turns out I am drinking too much. I guess I knew this but I didn't know by how much... It's bad but at the same time I don't care enough to do anything about it. Meh. It is what it is.

I've been down today, and, of course, not because of practical things. Rather because of guilt -just before writing this I was wondering, once again, if I had any right to leave home. I'm going to start calling my flight a "fit of mental illness" and hopefully it will let me be less of a spoiled, lazy, hypersensitive brat like I fear it was.

I mean, not having privacy or time to think isn't bad. I don't deserve it, I should have just taken my punishment. The fact that having someone talking at me constantly sent me into so many rages is just me being a despicable, spoiled little spit, isn't it...I have no right to feel like I do. Or to distrust the affection I'm being offered now. I know what I feel, but the causes are nothing compared to what real abuse cases go through, I fear I'm the equivalent of the middle-class suburban kid who contemplates suicide when he doesn't get the latest smartphone... I can't take myself seriously and I don't expect anyone else to.

tomorrow i have to go with my parents to the medicaid office to sign some papers. i don't know how it'll go. i haven't been out of the house since november 7th. i really should go to bed now and get some sleep, or else i'll feel like hell tomorrow. but i feel like i would just lay there awake all night.

good luck tomorrow!

let us know okay?

thanks

my mom isn't well today, so we're going tomorrow.

I am feeling good.

got out to the dentist for my daughter and grocery shopping with both kids which drained all my energy. grateful to be home and leftovers for dinner so don't have to cook or anything. trying to control my ocd thoughts and not let them take over again. it feels like i make things so much harder than they have to be. it is nice to walk in the house from being out and feel relief, not dread for all the routines i have to get through. it's a hard thing to unlearn after a lifetime. of course this is a depression thread, not ocd, but idk, feels like it's all related.

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Thinking, hating, but of course I won't change. I'm little more than an animal: eat, sleep, look at and long after pretty things and feel emotions about everything. I should be more like those higher, nobler, more intellectual types who forget they even have a body in their mental pursuits, are logical and unemotional, and only care about the deeper, abstract things in life, pursued in solitude. About the only non-animal thing about me is my low sex drive.

As long as I'm a failure of a person I might as well try to enjoy it though.

eh i am not the best right now.

kinda don't want to be awake.

I'm surprised that I'm still energetic and still capable of thinking straight. I'll just go a long with it while it still lasts. The urge to dance is strong right now!

A very slow day at work today. Had some heavy rains all day today. When I was driving home, I came across some flooded intersections. It was very scary. Some cars that got ahead of me went into the flooded intersections and went halfway underwater. And then the cars were stranded. I was very fortunate that I was able to avoid those flooded intersections. I thought that I was not going to get back home because it seemed like at every direction, there were flooded intersections. I managed to escape them and got home safely!

It's not even join and I've already made myself upset. Feeling useless, worthless, like there's just no point. I'll have to put it aside to go house-hunting today, but I just feel, well, numb, actually.

Does this ever end?

Feeling ok but I feel like going back to bed lol.

a bit more down today i think because i'm not as busy. got groceries, doctor appts done for the week. now it's just being home where it is harder to keep my thoughts from controlling me. but i am determined to do so even if it means being depressed