Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Today was my first day back at college after being away for a bit. It was exciting and I liked the campus. Starting off w. two classes. I liked being back at college. I liked feeling a part of something.

I'm feeling some better. The depression seems less severe and the anxiety is better. I just hope it continues to get better.

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Now I have to let go of my house. My children are all off to college, the last one in two years. My husband left me for his mistress. It is not practical for me to keep a huge rambling house on a big property. I don't like gardening, fixing things, I will echo around by myself and listen to noises in the night - so the secret mistress will get my pool, my garden to sit in, the woods, our boat, my cats, my husband, my money. All I will get is peace of mind, an orderly apartment without my ex's pack rat stuff everywhere, a place to entertain friends, my children's respect for making the most practical lifestyle for them, and my house will be loved and maintained. I will still retain ownership so my ex will make sure to give me money to live on. Why is it so hard to let go of people, of things, of preconceptions of the future - I feel like a monkey with her hand in the cookie jar, when I release the cookie I will be free. Shall I scream with joy, I do feel like screaming.

mixed feelings, i started writing something that i want to turn into a novel. its based on my life and relationships. but now i am feeling down..ugh!!

feeling down today, though not entirely hopeless. i woke up way too late again (1:30). and so i asked my mom that from now on, if i'm not awake by 12:30, to please get me up. i feel so silly having to ask my mom to wake me up because i can't get myself to. and to think i almost went back to sleep for a little bit longer today, until i looked at the clock and gasped. good thing i didn't then.

so it's now 3:30, i've only been awake two hours, and so i haven't done much. i really wanted to dust off my cat figurines on the book shelf and to rearrange them. it's something i've been meaning to do for ages now, but never got around to. they are covered in cobwebs and look nasty right now. however, being as i woke up so late, that won't get done today.

one good thing that happened was that my shirt that my mom ordered arrived today. i didn't expect it to get here so early. i tried it on. it fits really well and feels nice. i'm really happy with it. though i feel kind of bad for enjoying material things so much, because i'm trying to be a more spiritual person again.

It looks like I'll have to move asap. So far, there's a place that looks OK on paper. But it's across the country and I am not mobile so I can't go see it in person before I commit to anything. I'm terrified of the "neighbors" since their savage acting out on Saturday night. I don't think they are evolved enough to rule out their killing me. I know how dramatic that sounds, but people do get killed everyday for stupid, petty reasons.

I feel so overwhelmed trying to shop for a place across the country. I don't feel strong and I'm hardly capable. I wish I could just sleep until the end of it all. I'm so sick of surviving.

They have been quiet since they heard me walk in here today. Before that they put their noise on too loud. When they heard me walk they turned it off. I'm wondering what they have planned for overnight until I can move. The psycho upstairs was stamping in the middle of the night and woke me. I could not get back to sleep until around 5 am and then I slept until almost 11. I can deal with their stamping. I can't deal with an escalation.

I have to try to organize my thoughts but it's already hard even without the panic. With the panic I'm just frozen.

I'm pretty sure I just heard another joiner-in shout out Sunday night (or was it Saturday?), oh they're still out there laughing. They're going to do something worse this weekend. I'm terrified.

They're still stamping and thumping the walls quietly to say they're still going to do something. This has been a sickening week.

I should go to the police. Maybe I'll call and see what I can do. I'll call tomorrow
Supposed to go to therapist tomorrow but I don't know if I can make it.

i'm so sorry these nasty people are still harassing you (and that is harassment). i think getting the police involved is a good idea. in the meantime, do you have anything around to defend yourself with in case something should happen? maybe keep something like a knife under your pillow when you sleep?

Hi, no. I'm terrified. I think they're going to do something tonight. Big party and laughing and they've been different since Saturday night.

I have to call the police. My relative says I should leave right now and never come back. To just take what I can carry.

if you have someplace to go, i think that is a good idea.

you definitely should call the police too, and explain everything to them.

anything to get yourself away from them.

wishing you the best.

Thank you! I don't see how I can bring enough of my stuff! I can't figure out what to do. My relative told me to go straight to the airport. I'm not sure how I can do all this! I can barely stand up longer than 5 minutes. But they are going to try something tonight. The police won't believe me. They'll make me go inpatient. I'm very very afraid.

They're having a loud party. More and more people seem to be downstairs. I'm sick with fear. They're playing their music really loud. And then turning it off, etc. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Scared to death.

He's inviting people off the street. "Come on in!" So the crowd will be so big no one will know who did what.

ETA: It's very quiet down there now. The music went off abruptly maybe an hour ago. I still hear him talking very quietly but I can't hear what about. I'm panicked about the night getting into the we'd hours and a possible break in by him and his friends. And even if they don't do anything tonight, they will likely try another night.

I'm sitting on my bed, too weak to manage a big suitcase if I could even get to it where it's sort of barricaded into the closet. I would have to get a taxi driver who would get it out of here and down stairs etc. I'll lose nearly everything.

I just want to pretend this isn't happening. If I call the police I might only get taken to the nearest psych ward. But that's better than being a murder victim. I'm afraid to go, and afraid to stay. I thought of maybe going to a motel just for the night but my relative said I should never come back here once I walk out the door. Not sure why. If I came during the day and a taxi driver was OK with being here just until I could pack some stuff. Oh no, a noise at my door. Oh no. Are they going to do something at midnight? On Saturday night, Sunday morning they started at about 1:40 am. It went on for about 45 minutes. Dear God. I'm so tired.

goodness. i wish i could help somehow. what are they doing now? has anything calmed down at least?

Thank you. They doused the other side of my wall, in the hallway, with some chemical giving off toxic fumes. I think they're trying to force me to open the windows so they can climb in.

My thinking is getting even more disorganized. I'm terrified. If I call the police they might force me to leave the apartment which I don't want to do until I'm packed up with stuff to take with me. I'm exhausted and I want to go to sleep. They're still up talking.

At midnight one of them was doing signal honking on the car's horn. Two short quiet honks. This went on until about 12:15. Whoever they were signaling didn't show up, I'm guessing. I still have no idea how to proceed with this situation. Pack tomorrow? What if I can't get the suitcase out of the closet? I'm just so confused and tired.

so sorry angelique. wishing you peace and sending hugs

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on the roller coaster ride of my mind today. at least the day is almost over. got dinner made already so that is done. i can''t decide whether or not to take a shower so i'm going to skip it. can't decide anything so going to stay still. i hate this constant feeling of unfocus. half of me wants to lie down and do nothing while the other half won't shut up. this just never stops

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Thank you! (((((Smile)))))

Good God, it pains me to read this. I can't imagine what you're going through. Sending hugs and good thoughts. Stay strong.

Thank you so much, Scientia. They're talking to people on the street again, because apparently psychopaths know everyone in town. I don't know when they'll try to do anything again. Very worried about the weekend.

Was a slow day at work today. Been having a lot of rain and some storms with it. It's nice for a change to have rainy weather. At where I am, it does not rain often. Sometimes I get the feeling that I will be let down when it ends. I like the rain, darkness, and it's something to talk about with other people.

There were parts of the day when I felt happy. What's weird is when I feel happy, I feel that there's something wrong with feeling that way. I don't know why. It's like the only way for me to feel alive is to have something to feel bad and/or anxious about. Maybe it runs in my family. I heard that my grandfather and father were that way.

I'm feeling a bit down, not too bad. Lack of sleep is confusing my mind and sending my blood pressure up. Like Will, I also feel like something is wrong when my depression gets better. Maybe a lifetime of being depressed just makes us think something's got to be wrong when things seem a bit better. Kind of the feeling that something bad is going to happen and wreck the good streak. I'm feeling bad about myself again. I am decreasing the antidepressant and anti anxiety med both, but I do think the antidepressant doesn't do anything for me, and I'm against medication. I just think eventually the brain gets used to it. I had about 3 hours sleep. I'm so tired, and I go to the doctor today and know I'll be in pain for the next few weeks. Hugs to all of you.

This new year is beginning the way the last one ended. The future is up in the air it seems. I'm overwhelmed by everything. Always tired. And the depression is cycling between agitated and no energy.

Thinking hurts. I'm going to stop now. Maybe I'll start coming back here more often.

cloudy and rainy today. it doesn't seem to be affecting my mood too harshly. bit warmer at least. however, i'm still pretty down.

i've decided i'm going to try being substance-free for as long as i possibly can, and attempt to make my own happiness. here's the tally so far: 2 days without tramadol, 12 hrs. without weed, 1 week without alcohol.

googled 'tramadol withdrawal' to see about how long i can expect this yucky-ness to last.

i already find myself overeating in a (subconscious?) attempt to fill the 'hole'. i need to put that to rest as well. i want to lose massive weight before spring. i plan to be out and about this year, not moping in my house. i refuse to waste another summer.

only problem is, i don't have anything yet to 'replace' the things i'm giving up. i have no happiness yet to make, no hobbies, no friends, only mindless distraction. so i'm going to be dealing with this 'hole' and it's going to hurt pretty bad for a while, because right now i simply have nothing 'wholesome' to feed it.