Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Once again, a typical Saturday. I did a couple of things that were different. One was that this morning I called my college friend in the east coast to wish him a Happy Birthday. We talked for a little more than a half hour. I was thankful I got a hold of him. He can be very hard to reach. We have been friends and stayed in contact with each other for almost 40 years. There has never been a hassle with him in all of that time.

Another thing I did different today than usual was to get a haircut. I get a haircut about three or four times in a year. It was great that this time I got served right away.

My friend here has had company pretty much all day, so he and I didn't get together. That was too bad. I was hoping that we could. It's amazing to me that he's retired and yet he seems to have a lot going on Saturdays.

Coping better today. I finally feel not joint pain. For the last four months, I could not do any good cleaning because of severe joint pain . It is a good thing in my life to be able to do the things others do as a regular basic. I am thankful for that, all this activity help me to cope with depression. One little step at the time. Keep moving forward, sad but moving forward anyway.

Feeling hurt lonely crushed.....
I think it's really over...

A friend was hurting and I comforted him but then I went on to thinking how his hurt affected me. I was going to say something but then I grew up a little and just let his feelings be his. I am 52 years old and some of my reactions are like a 2 year old. I don't have time to beat myself up, I have to accept, learn, and move on to 3 years old. One of my goals in life was to become wise and dignified, a substantial person. Do I change my dream or do I laugh at myself?

and so begins week 5 without any rest..

wishing it was winter too

these summer days with lots of light are really annoying me

I feel so alone, like no one will ever be able to understand how I feel. It hurts so much and I just want someone here to hold me while I cry, but I don't even have that right now. I just have to stuff it all back down so I can go to work and appear like I'm functioning.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

...I've always hate saying the final goodbyes. I thought I was used to it, but I guess not.

I was browsing random things, one thing led to another and I find myself reading about child abuse... It was someone's history. And it made me think about the "abuse" I went through.

I can say that I was abused (verbally, emotionally, physically) but I often think that what I suffered is really nothing. Compared to other people stories mine is just about a father that from time to time (sparcly) would go from very sweet and caring to very violent for minimal reasons; and a mother with her own mental problems and childhood traumatic experiences that was emotionally distant most of the time, very intrusive and restritive (what I remember best is that she would never let me choose my own clothes I had to wear everything she had bought me even I find them horrible and I felt ashamed wearing them...until my early teen years... and she would make a big fuss about it blaming us for not liking the clothes, feeling victimized when we didn't like them, but never listening and always imposing her wishes).

So, these abuses aren't that terrible. They made me suffer. But I imagine that there are many people that went by similar things and I thing the majority didn't get damage by them. I guess I was a sensitive child, from what I remember I was and that can explain the damages (if this is an important cause).

On the other side, I don't know how much of this contributes to what I am now. There are certainly other reasons for my mental health problems and blaming my parents poor parenting skill just seems like a cliché to me. A reason many like to blame, even without conscience, because palying the victim and making the external environment the cause of our problems is easier and gives some beneficts (like atention from other people that must assume a care position towards the victim).

I understand that are people that still suffer remembering the past, but I barely remember my past and even if I remember it, it is not of much importance to me.

My psycotherapy apointments aren't getting anywhere. The psychologist never explored deeply my past. She just asked about school over the years and friends at school and how I was as a child and about my actual relations with my family members. So I haven't give it much though, but after this I am now wondering if this is a issue that I should bring or if it is even important for the type of therapy (which I don't know very well what is, but something to make me realize what are my thinking patterns and change them, so a therapy focused on the present) I am doing. And if I dicide to bring it what would be the ideal moment...throughing it out of nowhere or waiting for a topic/excuse that may not come.
I don't want people to feel pity for me, I don't want to be a "poor girl", because I see this more as an experience that influenced me than a traumatizing event.

For a Monday, it was not very busy at work today. So the day was pretty much dragging. I worked out after work and it went OK. Went to the pool area at where I live and it was crowded. And they didn't seem like the kind of people I wanted to associate with. Very typical of my place. So that got me very down just now. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow it will be better. I've lost hope that I'm ever going to be happy at where I live.

I really miss winter myself a whole lot. Of course, winters are very nice where I live. Much more so than other places.

But still, I miss the early sunsets and going to the pool area at where I live and not have anyone there. Sometimes there would be someone there in the winter months, but not much. And now at this season it's warmer, the sun sets later, there's noise outside (indicating that people are having a blast but I'm not), and the pool area being filled with not so nice people.

I couldn't tell if my 16 year old was lying to me about skipping class. I am so sensitive after being lied to by my ex for so long and right to my face. I told myself to not be so hurt and let my teenager do all the acting out and mistakes her age group does. I can watch her and ground her but the really bad hurt belongs to me and what kind of marriage I created. Boy did it get weird and crazy before my ex walked out. I used to think I was tough enough to shake off anything. I am becoming human after all these years but I can just try and remember the joy I am remembering how to feel too.

this week is going too slowly!. i can't believe it's only tuesday, and the only positive thing i've really done is post here

what on earth is my life coming to... really

My day? Just like the day before - and the day before that... Today though is my "busy" day - I go to therapist and later to DBSA group. Whoopee

Monday was rough in terms of energy level at work. But I used my coping technique of staying on my task list and I got a fair amount of work done.

It was exhausting to stay on task though. I got home, walked the dog, fed him, then crashed out at 6pm. I can't do that tonight as I have an ACA meeting, but I'm debating about whether or not to go. It's at 6 and it's a little difficult for me to get to right after work. But I really need it. It helps to be around people.

Today feels like more of the same as yesterday. I have a feeling this whole week may drag on.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

I'm not loved.

It's back to being alone and trusting no one.

honestly i feel unloved too.

it's sad i have no one in the real world that cares about me. no one

it rained this afternoon!

just the type of weather we needed

it's just ashame that it never really lasted that long

I thought I was going to be OK today, but I got one little reminder of yesterday when I got to work, and it was gone. I only have to make it through Thursday then I'm going away for the weekend, but I guess I'm already worried about that too. The last two times I've tried to take any time for myself this year have been ruined by my depression and anxiety, why should this weekend be any different?

I hate that, Psych. Taking vacation and then spending it in bed because of anxiety and depression. It happens to me all the time.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

The first time I took time off I was having almost constant panic attacks from new meds. Then the second time I started working on trauma the first morning with T, so I felt miserable all week.

Sent from my SM-G900R4 using Tapatalk

same here. i thought someone cared, but they don't love me, so. yeah, my will to live is gone. i'm just waiting for death to take me now.

I am going back home in September. All the emotions I used to feel came back. I figured out I never felt loved enough to survive. It's good to go back to what drives me and what will always be part of me. I'll write with my heart showing, I'll hug everyone around me, and I'll forgive myself for needing more than my parents were able to give me.

Feeling stressed as everything happening at once

I've always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I have to try to fake that I'm happy every day of my life, if you can call that a life? I don't see any way forward, Just stuck in limbo. I understand the childhood traumas that have shaped me into the person I have become. But I feel powerless to grow and overcome these issues. I live in a subtle, sometimes not so subtle, state of fear. Walking downtown to my local coffee shop today my thoughts revolve around what I imagine people think of me. I feel like a bug on the ground, totally inconsequential. Oh well, let's see if we can repeat the same crap tomorrow ...

I found out a few days ago I do not have long to stay at where I am staying now. Work has been difficult lately and my depression has had me exhausted to the point I can hardly move. I was speaking with my father about it all and he did his best to reassure me that I would be ok the best he can. He is one of the people who was raised to hide your emotions and be "tough". He kept using phrases like "no need to get depressed over it" and "last time you were going through way more". I honestly think that if I weren't feeling so numb right now I would be in tears.