[Rose76]

I guess feeling apathetic is supposed to be a sign of depression. For a week, now, I've been in poor shape, mentally. I don't feel sad. I feel apathetic.

I'm no stranger to depression. But this is a new way that I'm feeling. I don't really feel depressed - just apathetic. I found a bunch of bills yesterday in my handbag that I just forgot to pay. I have the money. I just forgot. And I've run out of checks for my checking account. This is the first time in my life that has happened.

I'ld been doing a good job caring for my sig. other, who is chronically ill. I thought we had a pretty nice holiday season together. He's not that hard to help. Lately, I'm just losing interest in doing for him, or even doing anything for myself. He has very mild dementia, but his personality is nothing like he used to be. Most of the time, he's rather sweet and pleasant. But he doesn't talk much anymore. He watches TV all day and seems very entertained by just about anything. I'm glad he's so content, so much of the time, but it's like a huge, big hunk of him has already died. I feel alone much of the time that I'm with him.

He's become passive and apathetic, but in a pleasantly contented way. Maybe, apathy is contagious. Me being that way is leading to me neglecting things, which is going to have unpleasant consequences for me. I tell myself that I better get out of this state of mind. But I don't seem to care.

I better get up and try to do anything I can make myself do.

Rose, being a care taker by yourself is overwhelming never mind someone with dementia. None of us are meant to do it 24/7 it is too much. If you can get the help of a social worker to help you with shopping, cooking, bills or etc. you will find it will help you mentally tremendously. Also there is counseling for seniors dealing with this situation. I took care of both my parents so i know how you feel and what you are going through. (((hugs))) tc

[Rose76]

Thank you, OmegaLamed. I have turned over every stone looking for help for my friend. We are not married, or related or living together. (We lived together in the past, years ago.) So I'm not under any real obligation, other than the bonds of friendship and affection, which we do have for each other. Since he lives alone and is on a low income, I thought he would be eligible for significant help. He has a social worker through the VAMC. She has told me that he could probably be forced into a nursing home because of his dementia. That seems to be all the VA is interested in helping with. One of the nurses from the VA who has visited him has said that he really should have been "placed" somewhere by now. They talk like he is a thing who needs to be put somewhere.

He has a cozy, clean little apartment that he loves in a very safe senior complex. He has been there for years. I encouraged him to get a nice, wide screen, hi-def TV, and he has a whole schedule of shows that he watches every day - from Good Morning America through to the talk shows at night. He would be devastated to go into a nursing home and sit parked in a wheelchair in front of a communal television in a patients' dayroom. He would just lose more of his mind.

I don't mind shopping for him, writing out his checks, changing the sheets on his bed, etc. I'm retired and can do those things when it's convenient for me. The big problem is that he doesn't eat much when I'm not there. He is losing weight seriously. I arranged Meals on Wheels for him, but he just didn't eat them.

Sometimes, I'm very happy to visit and cook and eat with him. But it's gotten to where, if I take a day or two of not going to see him, I feel horrible that he is not quite coping on his own. I told the VA that I don't think I can meet all his needs on my own. Their response is to start bringing up nursing homes.

I'm a little confused. I have no authority to "put" him in a nursing home. He has not been declared mentally incompetent. I don't consider him to be. He is in danger of severe self-neglect, if I were not doing what I do.

He has adult children, though they are far away. They didn't call me at Christmas to say, "Thanks for all you do." I guess that is a thing that is very demoralizing to me. I feel like his children and the staff at the VA just assume that I will take care of everything for him . . . . and that, if I get tired of that, then I will arrange for him going into a nursing home. Something seems wrong with this picture, though I'm not even sure, myself, what that is. His children are pretty well-off, financially. One of them is what I would consider rich.

Every month I take him to the VA for a medical procedure done under anesthesia. He can't be left alone for 48 hours after that. I am thinking, next month, of bringing him and, then, just leaving the hospital, after they start the procedure. Then the VA would be forced to take care of him for two days. And they would probably be forced to call his family. I even have thought of leaving town, after I leave the hospital, so no one can find me.

I think there is really something wrong with me, mentally, to be cooking up a plan like that. I feel like that would be just nasty and vindictive of me. I believe I'm getting consumed with resentment. I don't resent helping him. I resent that I don't feel acknowledged or appreciated. I think any normal family would have sent me a Christmas card with, maybe, a gift card to Macy's and a note saying "Buy yourself a new sweater, or something you would like." It's not that I need clothes, or anything at all. I just don't think it's normal to be disregarded like this.

So that's why I have this crazy plan to run away and leave others holding the bag. Then they can be scratching their heads and saying, "What do we do now?" I admit that this is not a mature way to handle this situation and that there is something wrong with me, mentally.

[Rose76]

Thanks, PC. Thanks for the support.

[Rose76]

Adult Protection Services is saying they will send him some help.

I am very depressed.

[cloudyn808]

Wow, if no one else has said it, I will, "you are a terrific friend." I too have a history of doing for others, without acknowledgement. It gets old especially when you yourself are not doing well. It's time to let others help out. I hope he is able to stay in his apartment but it's not your fault if he would be better served in a facility. And who know...maybe it will be a good fit for his mental health?

Compassion fatigue?

You're awesome!

[Rose76]

Well, that was nice to hear. Thank you, Cloudy.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Adult Protection Services is saying they will send him some help.

I am very depressed.

Just disappearing would be kinda passive aggressive. But you could give the kids a heads up. And i dont see why the kids couldnt pay for a home health aide a couple times a week to give you a break. I know when they came in, nothing much changed, but its like a year later now. They need to keep in touch. Sorry i didnt see your posts before this.

[Nammu]

No wonder the VA is losing money. It's far cheaper to keep someone in their own home than to pay for a nursing home.

It may feel upsetting to think such things but I think it's also normal when your doing so much and it's not appreciated by anyone.

[shezbut]

((((Rose))))

You are truly a wonderful friend & a terrific person. One who willingly devotes so much time and energy into helping your friend, when no one else will do the same, for free! That says a lot about your character to me, Rose.

In the past, I volunteered with a local community assistance program. I went to visit a woman in town for over a year who was alone. She had macular degeneration, pretty bad, but she still managed to make it. Meals on Wheels came daily, and I kept her company, reading & talking with her.

I can understand how you're feeling, in a lot of ways. While my lady wasn't an old friend of mine, with a deep connection, it was hard for me to watch her self-help abilities decline...and very hard for me to let go when her children decided to put her to live in a nursing home.

I would recommend looking to see if there are any similar programs in your area. While I was a volunteer, and didn't get paid for time spent, I do know that my lady had to pay for the visits with me. As the company did background checks, arranged visits to be with volunteers that the person would be most comfortable with, etc. The point of having a friendly visit is just to have a person to give the provider a break. It also gives the elderly or disabled person a break too! We listened to a couple of books on tape together; I read her stories; and encouraged her to try the macro-machine, to read cards and letters that she'd gotten. We talked.

I feel for you.

[Rose76]

Yes, unaluna, just leaving would be passive-aggressive. I think that's a good way to put it. That's why I said that I know I'm not being mature and something is wrong with me, emotionally, to concoct this kind of a way of protesting. I appreciate that input, and I'm going to read on pas-agg behavior to try and get some insight into how my mind is working. I have a history of this kind of behavior when I feel upset and treated unfairly, and you've put a name to it, which I hadn't thought of. You may have helped me learn something important about myself.

The kids would never shell out money to pay for a home health aid. They take the attitude that, if their dad is poor in his old age, that is his tough luck due to him not making better decisions when he was young. Their mother kind of explained that to me years ago, and said she was sorry that their hard-heartedness spilled over into how they treated me. I was deeply touched for her to express that to me. She was a kind friend to me . . . now deceased for a lot of years.

Nammu - that is a good economic analysis about how the government uses resources unwisely. There is a program for vets called "Aid and Assistance Pension," that would pay for some help. A VA social worker claims she applied for that on my friend's behalf. I'm skeptical that she is really working on that . . . supposedly since back around Halloween.

Thanks, shezbut, for weighing in. Your lady must have been sad to lose being able to be at home and get visits from you. I also try to help him keep active mentally. When we watch a movie together, he'll often think of questions about the film or the actors in it. I use my tablet to look up things like that, and it stimulates conversation. (I got him the low income, subsidized Internet connection @ $20/month . . . for myself, really, when I am there.) I show him facebook pictures of his kids and grandkids. Otherwise, he would tend to sit silently for hours. Two years ago, I thought he was just ignoring me. Then, gradually, I came to understand that his mind is drastically slowed down.

One if his kids never calls. His oldest - the one with the 6 figure income - only started calling him weekly when I got him a cellphone (on my plan) that is the same company as she has - so now she can call him for free. (This daughter and her husband earn, together, an annual gross income of over a quarter of a million dollars. And they've been making that kind of income for years. Between them, they have only one child, who is grown and married and financially secure.)

Today, a rep from an agency is coming to evaluate his needs. It looks like APS will pay for some hours of home attendant assistance. Maybe somerthing will actually come of this.

Regarding his kids, I guess I should figure things could be worse. He never has to worry about his kids because they are so successful. It would be worse, if he had a loser son who was calling him up to get help bonding out of jail.

Well, I actually feel much better this morning. I have managed to organize away some chaos that had crept into my life. When I get apathetic, I leave mail unopened for weeks and get all mixed up about appointments and other things. Now, I've good through stuff and am attending to things.

Thanks, all of you, for listening and responding. I think I'm going to be all right now.

[Rose76]

My friend's son spoke to me on the phone today. It seems the VA and the family are in general agreement that he should be moved to a nursing home near the family. That is at the opposite end of the country from where my friend and I live. That seems like a drastic solution to me, but maybe I am wrong. If it's what he would want to do, then I would encourage him to go. I really can't tell how he feels about this idea. His reaction was very vague. I think in a few days the proposal will sink in and he may express more of an opinion, one way or another, about what he, himself, wants. If he doesn't want to go, the VA is talking about getting him declared incompetent and forcing him. If that's what the family wants, then that's what the VA will do.

I've worked hard for the past 3 years to enable him to stay in his apartment. He and I are very close, and I would be sad to see him move far away. I feel like the VA and the family are basically punishing me for saying that I need some help with his care. It's like they are all saying to me, "Either you agree to meet all his needs 24/7 with no help from anyone, or he goes in a nursing home." I don't believe those have to be the only two options.

He's become rather passive, and I fear he will get pushed into something he doesn't really want and will end up regretting agreeing to. If he wanted to fight this plan, I would stick up for his right to self-determination. On the other hand, if he actually thinks it's a good idea, then I feel like a fool for doing so much to help him over the past few years.

I always thought that being near me was very important to him. Maybe I mean way less to him than I believed I did. A few days ago, I felt a lot better, mentally. Now I'm feeling pretty low . . . and disregarded.

[unaluna]

(((Rose))) it does sound as if he is just mentally declining. I remember after my dad had his stroke, it seemed like my mother kept expecting him to improve, but especially in the last year of his life, in retrospect, you could really see he was slowing down. He was 75 and she was in her early sixties, but there was a huge difference. She still had over twenty good years, but he was done.

If he is not eating unless someone is there, then i agree, that requires a higher level of care. If you even got the flu, that would put him at risk. Maybe he thinks that by not marrying you, he saved you this burden of his end of life care. Who knows. IME, it is extremely difficult to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Your own needs are low priority. Maybe thats what feels like punishment.

[Rose76]

Thank you, unaluna. After sleeping on it, I can see where there is a case to be made for moving him to a long term care facility. I guess I always thought that, if that day came, he would move to a nursing home here, near where we both live . . . and I would visit him there frequently. I never thought he'ld end up leaving this area after so many years living here.

I guess I can't have it both ways. I can't complain that his needs are overwhelming me and, then, complain when others come up with a plan to completely relieve me of all responsibility. I guess I imagined there was a 3rd way - where I got some help with his care. Maybe I've been wrong in what I thought was workable or possible.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thank you, unaluna. After sleeping on it, I can see where there is a case to be made for moving him to a long term care facility. I guess I always thought that, if that day came, he would move to a nursing home here, near where we both live . . . and I would visit him there frequently. I never thought he'ld end up leaving this area after so many years living here.

I guess I can't have it both ways. I can't complain that his needs are overwhelming me and, then, complain when others come up with a plan to completely relieve me of all responsibility. I guess I imagined there was a 3rd way - where I got some help with his care. Maybe I've been wrong in what I thought was workable or possible.

Hi Rose,
I am sorry you are going through this because this is breaking your heart. Also, as a person with a disability living on my own, i wish your significant other could live in his apartment as much as possible. Americans with disabilities have been fighting a lot to get the opportunity to live independently (with all the assistance needed) and in the community instead of living institutionalized. I am not sure about your s.o. But perhaps an advocacy center could help your so to get money from the VA to pay for a PCA (personal care attendant). I will look online and ask my friends in the US and let you know.
About the family of your so, it is not they do not appreciate YOU or your effort. To me, it is they do not love their father at all, they can care less. I remember my mother. She hated her father. She has good reasons to do so. And she never acknolewgded the caring the third wife of my grandfather did to him. Deeply, my mother did not think she needed to thank her (the 3rd wife of my grandfather)for anything, she could not care less. It is very difficult for some people who were neglected by their parents behave properly regarding those neglecting parents. There is lack of interest, they do not care about their neglecting parents and even more, there is a little child inside them that is upset, angry, and resentful. In some way, they do not want their parents to be taken care of. Somehow, it is their turn to be uncaring and neglectful. I do not justify that, but I think this is the way it works .
Sending you a big hug

[Rose76]

Thank you very much, Clara. The funny thing is that, when their mother was alive, she was always very nice to me and never bitter toward him. He hadn't really been a negligent father, until the marriage ended. (and he didn't end it.) The kids seem to have had very happy childhoods. They are just not very giving.

The son and I have exchanged some PMs. It seems the social worker has misrepresented my feelings to the family, and their feelings to me. I've had reason before not to trust this social worker. Once, she laughed about my friend being senile. When I asked her what was so funny, she went berserk and hung up on me. I now suspect she may have instigated a big misunderstanding between my friend's family and me. I think this is all going to simmer down, now.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Thank you very much, Clara. The funny thing is that, when their mother was alive, she was always very nice to me and never bitter toward him. He hadn't really been a negligent father, until the marriage ended. (and he didn't end it.) The kids seem to have had very happy childhoods. They are just not very giving.

The son and I have exchanged some PMs. It seems the social worker has misrepresented my feelings to the family, and their feelings to me. I've had reason before not to trust this social worker. Once, she laughed about my friend being senile. When I asked her what was so funny, she went berserk and hung up on me. I now suspect she may have instigated a big misunderstanding between my friend's family and me. I think this is all going to simmer down, now.

Wow! It is good you could have that PM exchange!

[Fuzzybear]

[Rose76]

It's after 3 p.m. and I've been in bed all day here at my friens's apartment . . . just apathetically depressed. He's been snacking on junk. I didn't make him breakfast or lunch. I will make a decent supper for us later. So I've not been doing a great job as his caretaker. Soon I will get him showered, pick up the apartment, make supper and, then, go to the laundromat, as he has a backlog of laundry for me to catch up on. He will continue watching TV - about all he does throughout the day.

In a good nursing home, he might actually have a better life.

Nursing homes for low income people in this area are pretty squalid places. (I know because I've worked in them.) I checked the VA home they are proposing on the Internet, and it does look very nice. But those on-line photos can be misleading.

So - I'm not sure that he wouldn't be better off going to that place near his family. They would have more activities for him. He might not even miss me all that much. Maybe, it's just me who would do the missing and feel all alone. I don't want to hold on to him just to meet my needs for having somebody.

So I'm back to what I started this thread about: feeling listless and apathetic. I have little interest in making any effort to do anything. But that will blow over, just to return. I'll be cycling through in and out of apathy. Maybe I should ask him to plan on us going out to lunch or dinner tomorrow, so we both get out of the ruts we're in. We are kind of bringing each other down.

[Clara22]

VA has the benefit for PCA only for war time veterans Paying for Long Term Care - Geriatrics and Extended Care

[Rose76]

I thought that going to that VA home might be better for him . . . with his son nearby, and grandkids visiting, and more people around him, and, maybe, some therapy. The facility seems so pretty with gardens and recreation areas. Then, hours later, I remembered that all that might seem good while he is as he is now. But he's not likely to stay as he is now. He'll continue to decline, most likely, and need more and more hands-on care. Getting that from staff in a facility is way, way different from getting one-on-one attention from someone who only takes care of him. At a time like that, he would probably feel pretty lost without me. And his kids aren't the type to hang around a sick bed.

He'll have to make his own decision. I don't want to unduly influence him.

Meanwhile, I've got to get a better grip on taking care of myself.