she called me out!

last evening was rough. I went to the grocery store to get Easter candy and was overwhelmed by all the people doing the same thing( darn procrastinators!) I stood there with my heart pounding out of my chest, barely breathing, well you know the routine. I got home and realize that we had a church service to attend for Holy week. I told my husband i didn't think i could do it, but i knew i needed to try. sorry for the rambling backstory, but I'm trying to set the scene. Anyway after a shower i felt a bit better, so was willing to try. my anxiety ramped up again on the way to church( 2minute drive) . So as we walked in and i saw people, i unconsciously hid behind him. the pastor's wife came up, called my name and noted that i was hiding. she asked caringly how i was doing and made it clear she expected an honest answer , not the I'm fine or I'm ok crap i usually dish out. I will admit to being rather touched by her concern. I hate to say this, but at church i usually just feel more broken or screwed up than i already do. I sat in the back row with my husband and just observed things as i usually do. but later another person asked how i was and Sandy happened to walk by and said, " don't let her lie to you, look at her eyes; it's a tough time." I was torn between embarassed and grateful, because i don't have the strength to fake it right now, but the reality is that most people don't want to hear the truth of how we're doing! I think it's sad that i feel my supported here in anonymity of the computer than I do with my 'brothers and sisters" in Christ!

Hope it was a positive experience to have someone acknowledge your pain guiltier

Thanks for sharing that with us. I went to a kaffee klatch yesterday with some neighbor ladies. Good on us for getting out

i wrote a few post about somet things... but i dunno about posting stuff about religion...
dont want to say anything wrong... i just keep deleting them so im just not gonna say much... not that i would intentionally offend anyone... or really have anything to say that probably would offend anyone.. cause i am spiritual... i just try not to label myself anymore... just for info though my mother was a preacher before i was born and till i was like 4 years... pentecostal... raised christian and all... so i've tried to educate myself as much as possible ... to answer my questions... before i just stopped claiming anything... but im not gonna go into that because maybe its not appropriate...

sometimes people in the church can call us out and expect us to be honest but not realizing that its not really something so easy to really talk about...
thinking that we are just having a struggle at the time, not realizing that its a life thing that we are realy dealing with and not just a hiccup...

not saying its a bad thing... just that its uncomfortable...

if its appropriate i'll share my last experience in the church, because i went to the altar and tried to ask for guidance but what i received confused me more than anything...

anyway..
i know how it feels...
sometimes they just want to help... sometimes they dont realize the things they say and do can make us feel worse though even though they genuinely mean well...

trying not to say anything wrong...
its just not easy even though they want to help...

well.. since i keep deleting all of my message... just going to say i know how you feel... supposed to be comfortable in house of god but... sometimes you feel most vulnerable there...

much love...
its hard for me to talk about religion because i dont want to offend anyone... as im dark and disturbed anymore...
sorry they made you feel like that... i know that feeling...

Im sorry that you tried to ask for guidance and only were more confused. I know what you mean though. I've had pastors tell me that my depression was lack of faith and others tell me I was possessed by a spirit of depression. what kind of ignorant hurtful crap is that?

yeah, especially when your faith is already shaken :/
of course they didnt realize that and i guess they all were just trying to help...

to them i guess i look like a party guy, alcoholic, drug user, i dunno...
i have long hair so you know all of the judgements i have taken because of that, some people even say im gay because of it, but i dont care anymore, they are ignorant...

i have long hair because i dont want to cut it, been growing it since atleast 13 years old so why would i change now? it gives me something to play with when im anxious

the jist of what happened was i just decided to go to church a last time to try to see if there was any reason for me to continue on the path...
sitting in the pew listening quietly finally the pastor decides to go off of routine and call people to the altar to be saved or whatever, i have of course been to the altar before and have been "saved" many times ... so i was just sitting there and someone called me there, like told me to come up there, i was like omg what? you cant tell me to go there! i didn't want to get up but clearly everyone around me started pressuring me to go, i guess they all thought i was a drug addict that needed dire help so anyway i went and was just telling god i want to get out of there and go home because i probably wont be coming back because of things like this - and i dunno how many people came around me but it felt like the whole church was standing behind me as i was knelt down and all i heard was alot of whispering prayers o whatever... and i felt someones hand touch my left shoulder/back and almost imediately my body was filled with some energy, my heart started skipping beats and fluttering and i was extremely nervous and wanted it to stop, clearly it went on for several minutes - it wasnt a panic attack, and i have no clue what those people were praying about, as i said it seemed like everyone thought i was some kind of drug addict, all i know is i was not comfortable with whatever that feeling was and whatever people were praying about because none of them knew me or my personal relationship with god - and for calling me out to go to the altar - as you aren't supposed to do that, its up to the individual to decide

after what felt like an hour of this heart fluctuations it finally ended - i didnt really receive any answers, as i never have, just that i cant trust anyone because i dont know what someone is going to do and what powers they may have to influence my body

i have a deep personal spiritual relationship - ever since then i am not christian, i am not religious, i just have my own personal relationship with my creator, i dont talk about it, i dont share my feelings about things or religion, i just allow everyone to make their own decisions and hope that everyone respects mine - which most of the time clearly they dont, they just automatically assume that i am wrong and they are right and they have this god given mission to save me from whatever it is they think is wrong with me

most people don't know the real me because i have to wear so many masks, i dont know what i look like to people anymore, maybe i do look like those things, but on the inside i am something much more... evolved... i try to believe that god is with me, but the longer i suffer with these ailments the less i feel in his grace - so ultimately im just giving up... whats the use

i have never felt such a strange feeling in my heart though, i dont know what that person did to me

i hope you all have a good day and enjoy this easter
have some chocolate

It sounds like you had a very interesting experience in church. It was wrong of them to judge you based on your appearance. But I wish I could say that was uncommon. Did you feel better after your experience or more confused? I will honestly say that I do believe in God and that He can heal. I just get a little lost in the wondering of where I fit in His grand design. I know that we are told that God wants us to live life to the fullest, but how does that fit with the depression, SI, anxiety, and the other issues that threaten to pull me under. I have even discussed suicide with my pastor and how he knew that my ending my own life wasn't God's will for me. How is it different from surrendering to terminal cancer or another disease? I still don't have all the answers and probably never will.

honestly i felt like getting high drunk after that experience - smoked a cig before got in the car to leave, i probably did get drunk or high or both when i got home... i dont remember :/

i dont look like a bad guy, but i got that look about me that im too good to be true, my demeanor is fairly positive and people can't make heads or tails of me most of the time so they will automatically assume the worse - like i am gay, drug addicted alcoholic, evil, whatever... when in reality im more like a fallen angel, not a follower of lucifer, but an angel that got lost and is just trying to survive the heat of hell

i am a really unique person... i have never met anyone quite like me.... that is so genuine and compassionate... but has so many wars with inner demons... i don't drink as much as i used to, i really barely drink at all anymore... i barely even smoke weed anymore - just because i dont have access to any of it - probably would if i could... but its just what i've learned to do to try to deal with these things... i guess its like feeding the demons so they wont torment me so much

i consider myself spiritual but not religious... because i feel that religion has caused so many problems in the world... the repression of knowledge, book burnings, wars... the templars... i just try to avoid labels...

i like to believe there is a higher intelligence, but a big part of me says that its not possible for their to be an individual intelligence that governs our universe... but that its a collective intelligence of all the things living in the universe that makes up what we would call god... so god "just is" ... god is existence itself... god is in you and me, the trees and the grass.. its not in a place in the stars called heaven, or a place deep below called hell...

i dont like to talk about it though because i have offended people before (not intentionally...) especially growing up in a strong christian family, you can only imagine the ridicule i experience... i don't have any friends or anybody that believes the way i do - its quite lonely... im not really an atheist, im not really agnostic...
i think there is a way to truly understand what life is by being alive - understanding whats going on while experiencing it... its just so vastly different from what we have been taught that its right in front of our faces and we cant see it

so i just live by my morals... be a good person, treat others the way i would like them to treat me (even though they dont treat me the same) and i'll be fine, i'll be at peace with my self when i go atleast... and maybe what ever is this existence will pull me aside and tell me that i have earned the rite of passage - to know what is going on..

im a truth seeker i guess, i am completely obsessed with knowing everything :/
it fuels me


thanks for listening...

I strongly dislike the term "religious" because most of the world's attrocities have been committed in the name of religion. I definitely feel I am more of a seeker. I strive to learn and understand more about myself and the world I live in. Thanks for sharing the experience. i appreciate your openness.

its easier for me to be open on the computer, im not an open book but if you ask me something i dont mind talking about it so much...

in real life i will panic and you will see my soul twinge, i dont like people to see me...
the things i think about are scary to alot of people... but i go where ever my thoughts take me to explore what knowledge may be there...

i have read into the satanic bible, i have looked into the druids, i have explored the wiccans... im not afraid... but people become afraid of you....
when you talk to them about lucifer... or if you question if jesus was real...

if you ask how god talks to someone...
they have judged me, but isn't it them that says judge not lest ye be judged..?

i would like to know how god talks to people, i have heard many things but none of them really answer me...

i have prayed and talked to god more than alot of people will in many lifetimes...
but i haven't received any thing in return... my dad will say you have to talk through jesus, jesus is the mediator between you and god... and i have tried that with the same effect... but if jesus was real, then how would he talk to god - if i can't talk to god
didn't jesus say that we will do things greater than him?

i wan't a direct connection, i am tired of talking through people and having mediators, people telling me this is what god says, this is what god wants, i want god to tell me directly, but i haven't any answers... just that i have to keep searching...

my aunt says that i am lost, but how is it that i am lost when i simply refuse to blindly submit my soul over to something i dont know or understand... maybe i am not lost and everyone around me is...
like i said before i am a blacksheep i guess... and i dont know anyone like me, i wish i had 1 friend that had similar ideas so that i wouldn't be so alone... someone that would question things with me...

i think that we are supposed to question things... didnt he say to seek the truth...? to seek the truth you have to question things... you have to compare words and look for fallacies

im not a bad person for doing these things am i?
the "devil" hasn't locked me in a mental prison because i opened the satanic bible and read some words..? i don't believe that is possible... because i have much uglier thoughts.. much worse things that i say to myself than that is even written in the satanic bible... the satanic bible is actually surprisingly pleasant- it just argues that lucifer is the light bearer and savior of mankind

but i dont believe ANYTHING that anyone says or presents to me.. if i cant justify it in my mind then it cant be true..
btw i dont follow satanism or anything like that either... i've just read a lot of things from alot of different places... im an intellectual...

i hope that i dont scare you or make you think differently of me too

sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I haven't been in a good place lately and my home computer isn't working. I don't believe that you are a bad person for exploring other belief systems. I think that God is more forgiving than that and therefore I certainly have no right to throw stones. You have not scared me or changed my mind about talking with you. I enjoy our conversations, but i don't want to pry or preach. That's not what i'm here for. I'm just a fellow traveler on a sometimes horrible path.

no need to apologize...
im in a strange place right now too...
just not myself...
stay strong...