Denied. not disabled

Fuzzybear · Apr 27, 2016, 04:11 PM

elevatedsoul · Apr 28, 2016, 12:02 AM

its totally fine writing about yourself i appreciate it, to be honest im just scared to ask them anything because i just dont wanna talk to anyone really but i try to force myself to do these things because i do need help and i wanna get better...

but guess what? for some reason that post that got deleted was saved in the quick reply box just now

im not gonna read it, but im just gonna post it; but just forewarning... i dunno what i really wrote.. so if theres anything in it thats untrue i apologize - i just remember i really wanted to share it for some reason, so...

Quote:

i never wanted to go anywhere, but i just dont want to confuse everyone as much as i am confused ya know :/ hmm im sure everyone is already pretty confused anyway though

im gonna try to explain things again to them.. i just hope that i dont let them trick me again, just cant believe they said i was non-compliant because i was stating concerns / side effects and desires to change medications and not take so many pills and disagreeing with everyone telling me that im manic... i mean how do you even be manic for so long on so many drugs when you are just really depressed, catch 22???
but the truth is i dont think i ever really showed them that i was depressed even, i dont really know what i did or was doing.. all i know is i was just trying to get myself help and trying to make the whole process smooth because i cant stand conflict or confrontation or being controlled/manipulated or mistreated or whatever :/
but whatever... maybe ive learned something subconsciously and will be able to convey stuff in a ... proper... manner... i think it made them mad that i would try to write things down and try to get them to read it because i wouldnt be presenting most of the stuff i tried to talk about - but i read somewhere that a patient can behave much differently in the doctors office... well, i dont go ANYWHERE i dont leave the house and dont visit people and so when i do go out of course im gonna be freaked and out of my mind trying to cope - but i dunno, im going to get a therapist this time and force myself to do it no matter how much i scream and kick and bleed or whatever happens happens because this stuff has to stop :/

well, i think the only thing i can do to help myself right now is to try to be nice to myself as much as possible... dont blame myself and get pissed off for trying to fake or make up things because im not faking... dont try to figure out what is going on with me because the more i try to figure out the more the voice in my head will get mad and argue with me... dont try to talk to others about things that are going on because im really ashamed... try to feed myself and make myself eat, try to sleep even though the dreams are wack... just try to survive basically until i can get back with a doctor... but its not the pyschiatrist i am interested in, i need a trauma specializing therapist.. i guess need to figure out why or how the traumas effected me and how i can improve things in my mind.. but i cant do it on my own so im just trying to distract those obsessive parts that demand to know whats going on...
im such a baby :/

grr i have evil malice in my mind that wants to annoy me and frustrate me and try to convince me of this and tell me thats wrong and convince me of that and tell me im making it up

dont listen to it ... but then i really am faking!

do you ever find yourself in another world smiling and being someone else and realize all your problems and feel like a complete fraud, some jerk that just manipulates everything.. i live in many worlds i think or the worlds are alive inside of me

but i give up on that, im not doing it anymore!
a car cant put itself back together, i need a mechanic
its not for me to figure out on my own, im pulling alot of trickery and just not able to trust myself i guess, so i'm discarding all of those things... well obviously i cant delete it, but its going on a shelf until i can give it to a therapist..

you know you have to stop when you start seeing too many symtpoms, when too many things start lining up, when it cant be true because it just doesnt seem possible for all of that to be happening to a person :/

the old treatment team used to tell me the diagnosis isn't important... the symptoms are what matter, we treat the symptoms, not the diagnosis... *shrug*
pills dont fix this stuff ya know? it will just dope me up and make me ... i dunno, conform to whatever they tell me... i dont want to be submissive, i dont want to be controlled... i want to regain control...

well... thats why i took my signature off, those diagnosis dont matter... they tell me i have this, they tell me i have that, they say these things dont add up, these things are inconsistent.. i probably dont have the things the psychologist diagnosed me with even... but it still gonna cost 1600$ - im an idiot

dunno how i am ever gonna pay all these things... i know its up to atleast 6000$... and im just tired of being dependent... im supposed to be 26 years old, even though im not supposed to be... im more like a 7 year old or something... but i've always been intellectual and smart, atleast so they tell me :/ or used to tell me all the time that i was some prodigy or genious or something.. the schools used to put me in the newspapers with the other "smart" kids... but i dont really remember anything, the things i do remember it just wasnt me..
i think im being tricked :/ some kind of joke some one is playing on me or something - lol :/ i dont really believe that but i wish it was true, would be better... otherwise i really am just crazy...

i've lost alot of weight :/ 20-30 lbs or so i guess
but its fine.. i used to weigh only 120-130 lbs back and forth before i started taking those stupid pills they made me take... im probably 155 now... i was 175 in january - i dont have a weight scale though so cant really see, all i know is my wrists have gotten back to the way they used to be and im starting to feel so small again, ill just curl up in the chair and hold my self..

i do love myself, but i make myself so angry sometimes, and i will say i hate myself so much but i really dont...

i get scared sometimes, but right now im just back in that cloud i ride around in and cant really tell... i mean if you drop a pen on the floor im gonna jump but thats not the same kind of scared that i will get, its like when you know you are about to die kind of scared, i mean i have almost died a few times so its something that i have felt a bunch.. looking the end in the face, it just becomes blank for me though because i cant remember the past... cant remember things besides when a flashback happens

and depending on what kind it is it'll make me feel so... blah :/ i prefer the ones where i was almost killed rather than the ones that make me feel disgusting - but i try to tell myself that it really wasnt my fault, that i couldnt stop it.. but i will tell myself that im so stupid because i wanted it to happen, and it kept happening and i wouldnt do anything to stop it, but i really dont...

its just not my fault i was just a kid and didnt know what to do, what a stupid stupid fool :/ i should of staid no, and ran or told someone or... anything but letting it happen.. disgusting...

whatever, maybe it didnt happen, but i know it did.. it happened alot... grrr
i remember when i was like 4 or 5, i cant remember if he actually did it but he wanted me to drink his pee

i dont know if that happened...
he did things with all of us, but he did things to me more for some reason he liked me more...
why am i saying this? geezus - i dunno, i just went back in time for a moment

i make myself sick - im gonna stop thinking about it, i gotta get out of this bubble becufore i start crying...

Raindropvampire · Apr 28, 2016, 01:35 AM

Do you have anyone you can practice with? I am extremely high functioning. No matter what is going on in my head I drag myself through life, paste a smile to my face and tell everyone I'm fine. I'm the one everyone else leans on because they have no idea how desperately broken I am. After my stint IP as a teenager I learned the art of being fake. I learned how to just blank out and go on autopilot and things get done. It took me almost 20 years to REALLY talk to someone again. It took a ton of practice but now I can talk about things. I still cringe and expect people to be disgusted or sad and leave me but I can talk about anything in therapy and with a few select friends. So is there anyone you can think of you can practice with? Or could you write things out and print them for the T so you have a record of what was talked about? I'm so sorry you hurt so bad

elevatedsoul · Apr 28, 2016, 02:04 AM

its ok, im fine.. i keep forgetting about it really, disconnecting or something

i started a new journal the other week so im trying to keep track of things... but im not reading the things i write..

i would say i could talk to my mom, but i dont wanna disturb anyone - things in my mind are haunting and whom ever learns about any of it wouldn't ever look at me the same

im good though, no worries.. just as long as i dont wake up one day and all this "repressed" stuff hit me in the face, whatever im forgetting needs to stay that way until i do have a therapist

brain feels numb

i just find it odd how my mind reacts... i have a 1second memory span - as long as i go on about this other stuff the other stuff wont come out - but im really mentally / physically exhausted all the time because of it; just hope that no permanent damage is being done.. never really heard of anyone else doing this..

Raindropvampire · Apr 28, 2016, 02:35 AM

Here's a weird one for you....I don't remember when I drive. I get in the car and then I'm where I'm supposed to be. I don't remember hardly anything UNLESS someone is in the car with me and engages me actively.

I have no idea what my mind has against driving but have you ever heard of something so strange?

Apr 28, 2016, 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

apparently i am not sick

the judge denied me benefits saying that i am not disabled

they have my diagnosis wrong, obviously they did not even look at the most recent report from the psychologist

i cant remember anything from when i was in the court room so i dont know what the **** i did or said

but im getting sick of it... im about to cut my hand off, tape down my fingers besides the middle finger, and mail it to them and tell them you stupid *****es **** you

they say i can do work, that i report being anxious, depressed and unable to communicate but i present myself in a calm friendly approachable manner - inconsistent with my claims
ignoring the facts that i can't drive, ride in cars, or leave the house...

the last pdoc said that i was noncompliant with medication and that i was abusing alcohol and marijuana not adhering to treatment which was causing my case not to improve (which is not true, i was doing alot for my treatment! and i would kick that old man in the face if i see him again)

they said i was BIPOLAR again stupid ****ing ***** mother ****ing **** *** federal **** face

they said that i claimed my G.E.R.D. was a problem, how stupid are they

GERD is a somatic symptom i have from severe anxiety

i am very sick but i am so sick that i can not present my symptoms, i am dieing, i am crying out for help but no one sees me
i want to be helped but i cant say anything, i cant talk about whats wrong with me, i cant show my tears, i cant show my scars, i cant bleed in front of someone

i can not handle this
please, please i beg... take my life from me...
i want this to end... i am tired of being confused... i am tired of crying alone... i am tired of trying to explain things... i am tired of people misunderstanding me... i am tired of misunderstanding myself... i am tired of myself... i am tired of this world... i am tired of the pain...
i am tired of people assuming what is wrong with me from some presentation that my body does... i cant control my body... i am tired of living in this prison... i cant do it anymore... how can i get help when my body does not let me... why does my mind do this to me... how is it possible for me to space out and be completely intelligible, coherent, calm, presentable, appearing perfectly capable and fine - exemplary - when underneeth these clothes i have bloody scars, cuts and marks that would scream to differ...
if i cant control my body then who knows whats going to happen to me now...
i cant do it... they wont help me... bleed, and bleed, and bleed some more... but i am not disabled... i can take care of myself i guess... not eating for days is normal... not showering is normal... not speaking or making eye contact is normal... fainting because you cant breathe is normal... your body burning from flames inside your mind is normal...

why do they ignore whats inside of me and only see these fake masks that my mind has created... if i smile, you better believe its cutting my insides like a million razor blades... but i do it to keep from hurting others...
i have lived like this my whole life and dont know what to do... i dont know how to change... i cant control it... i just want it to end...

i hate myself... i hate the world...

i go through so many things in a second... one second so many things happen in my mind... i want to turn it off forever...

So many of your words touched me. So many of us on PC are fed up with trying to convince the system of our struggles but if they don't find something organic; TOO BAD! Then they have the audacity to feed us some 'positive thinking' crap and to get on with our lives. It's all about 'them' not us. THEY are what WE should be like. How arrogant they are. I hope you can get some help, something to keep you going. I'd like to say you are not alone but in a battle like yours it feels like you are.

I'm sure all will concur to a

little turtle · Apr 28, 2016, 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herculepoirot

So many of your words touched me. So many of us on PC are fed up with trying to convince the system of our struggles but if they don't find something organic; TOO BAD! Then they have the audacity to feed us some 'positive thinking' crap and to get on with our lives. It's all about 'them' not us. THEY are what WE should be like. How arrogant they are. I hope you can get some help, something to keep you going. I'd like to say you are not alone but in a battle like yours it feels like you are.

I'm sure all will concur to a

it is mostly about them...so how do we deal with this...or how do we get around it...fighting directly will get us hurt

DayAtATime1 · Apr 28, 2016, 06:53 PM

I just finished reading all 6 pages of your posts - you have an incredible ability to express yourself. Many things that you said struck a chord with me! How I wish I knew of a way to help you (and myself while I'm at it). Someone else suggested you share what you've written with your therapist/pdoc - I think that's an excellent idea - especially if you have a hard time verbalizing it.

I know that some day you'll be able to take the happy mask off and just let a genuinely happy you shine thru!!

Hang in there...

elevatedsoul · Apr 28, 2016, 06:59 PM

thank you

i have a problem staying in the moment, so what people see tends not to be me, but another version.. i understand the skepticism of the doctors, but i am hoping that i will find the ability to present these papers to them with hopes they learn to understand me; so that maybe someone can help me understand myself..

about the driving phenomenon, i have definitely heard of it

i believe it is a form of dissociation, i think that it can be called highway hypnosis..?
not to say that everytime this happens it is, but i often hear people using this as an example to describe dissociation
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highway_hypnosis

stay strong..

Menu

Denied. not disabled

My Support Forums