Denied. not disabled

my parents would not talk about it...when I brought it up it was too late...
I am now wanting to talk about how others have hurt me and how I am hurting others...both

soul I am mostly concerned about YOUR SOUL....YOUR LIFE... not so much your SSD..i want you to survive...you could be a good therapist...but you must recover with or without disability social security...although that would help here...

im afraid... i have lost hope...
since 2012 i have been trying so hard... i thought i could get profesional help...
i thought they could make things better...
but the profesionals cant help... they just seem to be making things worse...
its not about having disability... it was just about getting help... i thought since i tried all the things i could afford... if i had the insurance and could get a good doctor... maybe he could help... but i dont know anymore... i dont think anyone can help me now...
my mind has riddled itself with alarms... booby traps... triggers... things set off reactions that cause a calm swift retreat that is nearly invisible to the observr...
it is madness... how is it possible for no one to see... how can i look so normal...
why do i do that... why cant i just let people see me cry...
i am afraid of everyone... i am afraid of being hurt... i dont want to be hurt anymore...
im such a fraud... i am tired of this life... it takes a special price to live on.... the price is your soul...
the only thing that can save me... is an angelic therapist that has the ability to navigate through my minds traps and triggers... to learn how to listen for the masquerades...
i dont lie about things... but the way i say things are not in their fullest exposure...
like... "there was a scratch and i felt sad" but the truth would be "but i cut myself and blood dripped as i cried"
dont worry about me... i have lived with this all my life... its nothing new... not much has changed... but the pain increasing... strength depleting...
i am fine... moving onward i shall go....

i want to go hide so bad... i just want to disappear...
i dont like myself much...

now soul you need to start helping yourself...talk to yourself...how can you help you

i have been trying... to help myself... i have tried everything i can...
but my attitude has compromised everything...

repeatedly they state that my mood and affect are normal during the meetings and that things seem to not add up...

i am very confused a lot of the time... when you feel so deep pain... and you have hide things your whole life...

i need someone to fix my medical record.... i am nearing the end...
i have tried to be strong for so long... but its over... it was a mirage anyway....
just thought itf i behaved like i was strong... i could be ok... well... im just going to let this demon show itself to the world... if i dont die first.... then there will be more inconsistencies for them to put in my medical record... i give up...

take care everyone...

please tell me how you might help yourself right now...

Would you feel comfortable sharing something written when you get to see a therapist or doc again? You're so able to express yourself in writing.

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I only read the first post so I apologise if there have been any further developments or posts that state similar to what I say:

Masks I get. When ever I meet people I don't know, instinctively my walls go up and I exhibit a mascaraed of someone who is stronger than I feel inside. Years of practice I guess and to do with this inner subconscious defense mechanism that were I to be my true self, people would mock me/walk away/be disappointed etc.

When I was encoraged to apply for PIP (Personal independence payment) in my country, my Psychiatric nurse and another adviser told me to fill out the form and answer questions in assessment as if it was a bad day. At first I thought 'what the hell? every day is a bad day!' but then I realized that their statement was a simplistic breakdown of how to approach applying for payments like this.

I guess this opened my eyes somewhat. Instinctively I 'want' to seem okay when I talk to people I don't know or feel uncomfortable around... however... I know how I feel when I am on my own... when I spend hours in my house just staring at a wall.

If you are able.. I would suggest appealing the decision if you can.

Almost nobody gets approved the first time, or even the second time. It's a really painful process for people who are really disabled but still coherent.

I'm dreading the fact that I might have to apply soon myself as my heart condition is made worse by my mental state.

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Elevated, I'm so sorry you are going through all this mess and not getting the results you need. I agree with the person who suggested that you write out something to help with the process. You are very articulate and express your thoughts and feelings so well on the forum.. Keep reaching out. I am hoping that by now you have heard something more positive from your lawyer. Take care, know that you are in my thoughts.

Omg wtf this stupid thing wont post my posts grrrrrrrrrrrr

i tried writing 3 posts! it kept saying i cant post, i cant post because i already logged in, and i cant post because it logged me out, why wont you let me reach out for help!!!

I'm sorry you were denied and hope you get it on appeal. When the system acts wonky and won't let me post I write my post in notepad then copy and paste so I don't lose anything

grrr

i tried to write a good thoughtful post, but i have some demon or something that doesn't want me to be happy apparently, when i try to make a good move or do something i think is wright, what happens? you know what happens

im just gonna forget about all that mushy nonsense and just update the stupid disability sdtuff

the lawyer said they usually drop the case at this point, then it would be a good idea to just refile a new case - idont know why its not a good idea to appeall it at this stage
dad and aunt want me to talk to aunts lawyer, i dunno what to do- im tired of talking

tired of talking to everyone, tired :|
sorry, im really annoyed now because i tried to explain alot of things in that post but it was DELETED!
bloody hell always happens

im not supposed to tell anything about how i am inside apparently grrr

im still alive none the less, body is sore from stupid foolish self harm but whatever, it keeps it happey
keeps me alive iguess the pain

blah, this is stupid, why am i even trying to write

i feel so retarded, a big fake fraud, trying to come up with excuses for a pathetic excuse of a life

and all that, i was trying to be nice to myself, but no wtf - i was feeling just empty which is fine but now im pissed off because i wanted to share but it was thrown away, bloody hell!

im sorry about being such a bloody jackass and posting a bunch of nonsense, im sorry about ranting and saying a bunch of stupid stuff all the time, i am sorry about not being stronger, better, truer, real

im just gonna stop because i shouldn't say anything in this state, i dont like hurting people, i was ashamed and embarrased, but now im just pissed off

tired of changing, tired of flopping around like a bloody fish

ill try to come back sometime and re-re-re-write the stupid emotional post that wanted to share, part of me thought reaching out someone could help but i dont know it doesnt matter grrrr something doesnt want me to reach out ahhhhhhhh

what a temper, what a temper clawing me, i'll come back when ever i can come back to earth, the real me

err, sorry
ive just been really weird lately

trigger trigger trigger hehe
im ok, its just that im really confused - this confusion and stuff is really frustrating me because im the type that has to know how things works, it drives me crazy till i figure things out and i tell you i absolutely can't figure myself out at the moment, im not really sure who i am :/
i mean i think i know who im supposed to be, but.. yeah
im really foggy, i guess thats one way to say it; im just struggling and i want to get better but its really hard and seems like things cant get any better :/

i've been realizing how much trauma i have actually been through, through different ways... inside my head..
hmm, i talk to myself alot, alot i dunno what i would do without it, but im weird... ill prefer to talk to myself than other people :/

im just confused, i guess because alot of stuff is trying to surface or im realizing alot of things and its just coming kind of fast...

i dont know what to say, i like talking to you all but i embarrass myself a lot
im ashamed of these things very much

im sorry that i have been avoiding everyone, just when i get scared i hide...
and dont wanna talk... not that i dont wanna talk, its just that i cant..

i guess my next step is to go back to that mental health clinic... that psychiatrist is supposed to be retired now so i shouldn't have to see him, i dont want to see him... seeing him would freak me out - but im just scared that the new pdoc will do the same things to me - i dont wanna take a bunch of pills! i dont like pills... i dont need all those mood stabilizers and antipsychotics... im not psychotic and definitely not manic so... i just have a problem with changing my self, i dont understand it; i've been telling myself that i just adopt a persona that best fits the situation so that i can smoothly get through the appointments or interactions with other people but.. it just annoys me and im frustrated because apparently this problem causes alot of problems for me because the doctors dont see the real problems but see some superficial issues that present themselves on the surface when ever i go into a chameleon mode..? which they may be reall problems too but not the root of the problem ya know

super annoyed at the mental health treatment stuff... and im not gonna take a bunch of pills again, i swear i will flip the table over and jump out of the window or something probably crazy i dunno what i would do - i never know how im going to react unless i just retreat into my mind and then im just submissive...

sorry about the temper tantrum

edit:
actually its not just that ive only recently been weird, im just realizing it :|

You have nothing to be sorry for but that's just my humble opinion. It is definitely infuriating when posts get eaten and everything you wanted to say in the moment vanishes. And please don't ever feel embarrassed, if you knew the weirdness that goes on in my head from all my trauma you'd probably put me on ignore

nah, i wouldnt ignore you
it gets crazy sometimes, lol i cant even say it - i really do think i am just insane

im glad that no one else can hear it though really, they would definitely not understand

I am so sorry you are going through this. The SSDI system is a cruel process and you can blame the scammers for it. I have known people that got on it after 3 appeals so keep fighting!

It is hard to express yourself to complete strangers, I struggle with that as well. I look normal, whatever that means, to people when I am just spinning out of control inside and sometimes the opposite.

It's hard but the best thing for your situation is to unload verbally and get every little detail down to your scars documented. If it is anything like the VA process, it comes down to what is objectively listed in your records. They have an (s) section in medical records which is subjective, stuff you tell them. What gets written there has little weight. What is important are the diagnosis and what is in the (o) section, objective report. Since it is for my MH issues, there is also a mental health status report listing things like attitude, affect, levels of orientation, hallucinations, judgement, delusions, etc with a short, sometime one word description. Like Mood: Dysphoric. That can be helpful but misleading, in my opinion. Just because I have good judgement today doesn't mean I am that way every day.

I can't stress how important a complete and accurate medical record is. I am paranoid about it so I always download my medical records from the VA website. You should be able to get copies, at least a few days after an appointment so you can see where your doctor thinks you are and you can note any omissions in a timely manner.

Yeah, I know it sucks having to be all squared away with this stuff when existing is difficult. When I had my last VA disability exam, I brought a list of things to remember. What was supposed to be a 90 minute exam stretched out past 3 hours and not only did I give her a complete history of my suckage, but she was able to witness how I declined during that time from the stress of staying seated and alert enough to answer her questions. It was enough to convince her I can't work, although the VA is still hasn't made a determination.

It was the hardest thing in the world because we have to hide so much and pretend everything is fine when dealing with day to day stuff. A pdoc or therapists office, or SSDI appeals room is the wrong place for it but it is an instinct that I think most MH patients develop.

Keep your head up, see a lawyer and keep fighting. I know you are a stubborn person who is much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Your posts probably didn't save because this website sets a 1 hour expiration in your session. If you take longer than an hour to type up a post, it will log you out. Clicking back on your browser should return you to the form with the text intact. Copy it, log back in and then paste it back in. Or click preview from time to time.

thanks, i totally get that im supposed to break down in front of them and let them in and whatever else it takes to show them whats going on but i've just been acting for so long its something i cant realy control.. i have had to appear normal for my whole life :/
sometimes i thought i was normal, but i can clearly see that its just been a back and forth thing trying to be what people want to see or something.. i've never really ever let anyone in or shared how i really feel or what goes on inside of me and i never really thought about it either, since like 13 years old on up i started "self medicating" if you wanna call it that, pretty much just drowning out the world and inner world - trying to atleast

i think this is the 4th denial, i lost count... i had to take it to court... i blanked out though and dont really remember what happened... all i remember is that i got really bad cotton mouth, i remember thinking to myself what the hell how am i gonna talk when my mouth is so dry its gonna get stuck shut, the rest is blank / really blurry...

to be honest, im really just fed up with them :/ i would give up but i need it because i am completely dependent and i need to have some kind of way to pay doctor bills and pay for things... i dont WANT this at all, thats why i didnt do it until 3 years ago and not sooner

it really does make me mad because i do see people get it quite often that are really quite functional; i dunno how they do it
for example my cousin went in for 1 meeting with the social security people and they gave it to him right off the bat, for what? OCD? -.- and he is one of my abusers! grrr

im just exhausted, tired, i fight with myself constantly... why do i have to fight people outside of myself too... they are supposed to help...
i get weak, and i retreat and then the little guy that i become then is like **** this **** that **** the world all S*** it doesnt matter nothing matters its over its the end its all done why are you listening to me shut up stop talking - blablabla chaos just unleashes when i start breaking down...

edit:
oh, how can i get copies of my medical records?
im new to all of this system stuff... i've stayed away from the whole thing intentionally so i dunno how it works mostly

soul---what can you do right now to help yourself..

I'm glad you came back (((((((elevatedsoul))))))

Hopefully you can see a new pdoc who will treat you better than the last. It's hard to open up, but maybe if you can explain everything about what you're trying to do and what's happening, they will try to help.

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i never wanted to go anywhere, but i just dont want to confuse everyone as much as i am confused ya know :/ hmm im sure everyone is already pretty confused anyway though

im gonna try to explain things again to them.. i just hope that i dont let them trick me again, just cant believe they said i was non-compliant because i was stating concerns / side effects and desires to change medications and not take so many pills and disagreeing with everyone telling me that im manic... i mean how do you even be manic for so long on so many drugs when you are just really depressed, catch 22???
but the truth is i dont think i ever really showed them that i was depressed even, i dont really know what i did or was doing.. all i know is i was just trying to get myself help and trying to make the whole process smooth because i cant stand conflict or confrontation or being controlled/manipulated or mistreated or whatever :/
but whatever... maybe ive learned something subconsciously and will be able to convey stuff in a ... proper... manner... i think it made them mad that i would try to write things down and try to get them to read it because i wouldnt be presenting most of the stuff i tried to talk about - but i read somewhere that a patient can behave much differently in the doctors office... well, i dont go ANYWHERE i dont leave the house and dont visit people and so when i do go out of course im gonna be freaked and out of my mind trying to cope - but i dunno, im going to get a therapist this time and force myself to do it no matter how much i scream and kick and bleed or whatever happens happens because this stuff has to stop :/

well, i think the only thing i can do to help myself right now is to try to be nice to myself as much as possible... dont blame myself and get pissed off for trying to fake or make up things because im not faking... dont try to figure out what is going on with me because the more i try to figure out the more the voice in my head will get mad and argue with me... dont try to talk to others about things that are going on because im really ashamed... try to feed myself and make myself eat, try to sleep even though the dreams are wack... just try to survive basically until i can get back with a doctor... but its not the pyschiatrist i am interested in, i need a trauma specializing therapist.. i guess need to figure out why or how the traumas effected me and how i can improve things in my mind.. but i cant do it on my own so im just trying to distract those obsessive parts that demand to know whats going on...
im such a baby :/

grr i have evil malice in my mind that wants to annoy me and frustrate me and try to convince me of this and tell me thats wrong and convince me of that and tell me im making it up
dont listen to it ... but then i really am faking!

do you ever find yourself in another world smiling and being someone else and realize all your problems and feel like a complete fraud, some jerk that just manipulates everything.. i live in many worlds i think or the worlds are alive inside of me

but i give up on that, im not doing it anymore!
a car cant put itself back together, i need a mechanic
its not for me to figure out on my own, im pulling alot of trickery and just not able to trust myself i guess, so i'm discarding all of those things... well obviously i cant delete it, but its going on a shelf until i can give it to a therapist..

you know you have to stop when you start seeing too many symtpoms, when too many things start lining up, when it cant be true because it just doesnt seem possible for all of that to be happening to a person :/

the old treatment team used to tell me the diagnosis isn't important... the symptoms are what matter, we treat the symptoms, not the diagnosis... *shrug*
pills dont fix this stuff ya know? it will just dope me up and make me ... i dunno, conform to whatever they tell me... i dont want to be submissive, i dont want to be controlled... i want to regain control...

well... thats why i took my signature off, those diagnosis dont matter... they tell me i have this, they tell me i have that, they say these things dont add up, these things are inconsistent.. i probably dont have the things the psychologist diagnosed me with even... but it still gonna cost 1600$ - im an idiot

dunno how i am ever gonna pay all these things... i know its up to atleast 6000$... and im just tired of being dependent... im supposed to be 26 years old, even though im not supposed to be... im more like a 7 year old or something... but i've always been intellectual and smart, atleast so they tell me :/ or used to tell me all the time that i was some prodigy or genious or something.. the schools used to put me in the newspapers with the other "smart" kids... but i dont really remember anything, the things i do remember it just wasnt me..
i think im being tricked :/ some kind of joke some one is playing on me or something - lol :/ i dont really believe that but i wish it was true, would be better... otherwise i really am just crazy...

i've lost alot of weight :/ 20-30 lbs or so i guess
but its fine.. i used to weigh only 120-130 lbs back and forth before i started taking those stupid pills they made me take... im probably 155 now... i was 175 in january - i dont have a weight scale though so cant really see, all i know is my wrists have gotten back to the way they used to be and im starting to feel so small again, ill just curl up in the chair and hold my self.. i do love myself, but i make myself so angry sometimes, and i will say i hate myself so much but i really dont...

i get scared sometimes, but right now im just back in that cloud i ride around in and cant really tell... i mean if you drop a pen on the floor im gonna jump but thats not the same kind of scared that i will get, its like when you know you are about to die kind of scared, i mean i have almost died a few times so its something that i have felt a bunch.. looking the end in the face, it just becomes blank for me though because i cant remember the past... cant remember things besides when a flashback happens
and depending on what kind it is it'll make me feel so... blah :/ i prefer the ones where i was almost killed rather than the ones that make me feel disgusting - but i try to tell myself that it really wasnt my fault, that i couldnt stop it.. but i will tell myself that im so stupid because i wanted it to happen, and it kept happening and i wouldnt do anything to stop it, but i really dont... its just not my fault i was just a kid and didnt know what to do, what a stupid stupid fool :/ i should of staid no, and ran or told someone or... anything but letting it happen.. disgusting...

whatever, maybe it didnt happen, but i know it did.. it happened alot... grrr
i remember when i was like 4 or 5, i cant remember if he actually did it but he wanted me to drink his pee i dont know if that happened...
he did things with all of us, but he did things to me more for some reason he liked me more...
why am i saying this? geezus - i dunno, i just went back in time for a moment
i make myself sick - im gonna stop thinking about it, i gotta get out of this bubble becufore i start crying...

take care of yourself physically now soul until your brain recovers some...

I don't know exactly how to do it outside the VA. Just tell them you want a copy of your records, you will likely need to sign a release form but it shouldn't be a major hassle.

I understand about not learning how the system works. I have been in the VA system for almost 20 years and have learned more about how thing work in the past three months than I knew before. My VFW rep filled out the application for me in 1996, went to my exam, got a rating. Rating got increased 3 times over the years without me asking so I never bothered to learn how it works. There is lots of legalese and misinformation out there.

I recently learned that once I hold a rating for 20 years the VA can never lower it. July 1 is when the 20 years are up, but I have a claim in for an increase in my rating due to MH issues and for the unemployable designation because of MH issues. Once a claim is open anything is fair game, something else I did not know. The examiner only discussed my MH issues so I am hoping my other stuff is left alone, but I am a nervous wreck that they are going to try and drop me to 0% even though nothing has changed in my other rated things(tension headaches, epilepsy, shoulder damage from a seizure). If I had known about the 20 year rule I would have waited until this summer to apply. It is causing my paranoia and psychosis to really amp things up. Not too mention new medical issues, that cause me to consider extreme self-harm. My VFW rep assures my that 100% + unemployable is almost guaranteed and worse case is that they change nothing but rationality doesn't do much for me these days.

Moral of the story, even though learning when MH issues are taking over is difficult, knowledge about how things work is important and can help you avoid traps. It is a sick and cruel system but is even worse for us with sick and twisted minds. Society is slowly becoming enlightened about many things but MH doesn't seem to be one of them. Maybe it is my paranoia but it seems like the system is set up to make it harder for MH people.

Sorry for talking about myself so much in your thread. Trying to relate seems to be the only way I can get my point across. It makes me even more paranoid that I am leaking too much information and someone will identify me. But posting here helps me and I hope it helps the people I respond to.

It seems odd to me that non-compliance or even self-medicating is a stumbling block. Both are not that uncommon in MH and should either help your case or at the worse, be a non-factor in determining SSDI. Your doctors treat symptoms, not what you are diagnosed with? That seems like madness! Symptoms could be caused by lots of different things and attacking the symptoms leaves the root cause intact. How can a doctor ethically treat a patient without a diagnosis?

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have had a lot of bad doctors in the past.