confessions of little turtle

when I look back on my last big breakdown it was the nervousness that was driving me crazy...I don't believe it was a biochemical imbalance caused by my genetic stuff...I was in over my head in private practice and I was under tremendous stresses...I was really really nervous and couldn't deal with my patient responsibilities...at the time I never wanted to go back but I did go back working in clinics and hospitals...

I need to add...my stress started the day I walked into the psychiatry hospital to start my training...it was downhill for 10 years and then I broke

I am working toward not taking any medication of any kind...I am trying to find ways of dealing with me and the crappy world without psych drugs...I cant do it yet ..I still have that damn 5 mg of celexa...

I hate my celexa...I love my valium...
that valium really helped me big time...but it caused problems..
my antidepressants I am not sure about...they did some damage...no sex
I haven't taken a valium for 3 months...if I start going down I will turn to my valium..
I will not take abilify because I am not psychotic...I think the anti-psychotics are more dangerous... valium really takes care of my nerves..it is safer but addictive...

if I ever went back to psychiatry practice..I would NEVER prescribe another PSYCH DRUG..

to me it would be very dangerous for my patients and for me who would get sued if something went wrong with the drugs...which it frequently does...I am so glad I am not responsible any longer....but I feel sorry that I am not back in it to help my patients who were my friends...

it makes me very sad and disturbed to see what is happening to psychiatry...

I no longer trust the psychiatry that I have known for 55 years...this is very depressing for me after believing that DO NO HARM was crucial...

I was on valium for a very long time...
i was on Elavil and then most of the ssri's...
was it good or bad...i really don't know now...
it probably was both...i wish i knew more

I trusted doctors...do no harm...
I trusted drug companies...the very best medicines...
who do/can I trust today...I am having anxiety and depression about this ...

I haven't said anything in a while, because I've been in school, but you are in my thoughts. I appreciate everything you share. I wish I could do something for you besides listen.

(((((((( little turtle ))))))))

I have been reading the blogs on the MIA website...
I am learning how some of the survivors think about psychiatry..
there is an anti-psychiatry movement that seems very angry..
I am just listening and learning....there is a lot that we don't know...
reality and what is true does not go away...I am searching for what is true...

I think healthcare is being run my drug companies, insurance companies and lawyers. Health professionals are constrained in their practice. I went into healthcare many years ago, because I cared, wanted to do my best. But now the priority is "targets". Not how many people you may help to get well, but how many you see each minute. Patch them up and send them out.

I really admire you for speaking about your experiences. Please don't give yourself such a hard time though, just reading what you write on here, makes me think outside of the drugs you may have prescribed, you probably had a bigger impact on your patients than you acknowledge.

thanks so much soupdragon...please can you say more about what is going on in healthcare...

I guess it is due to ecomonics, everything based on cost.

The persons health problem not defining treatment, but the cost of drugs or talk therapy. It is far cheaper to prescribe pills, that to meet the cost of long term therapy.

There seems to be a tiered approach. Those with milder symptoms, needs met, with short term public funded talk therapy - that meets politically set targets of how many people the health system treats - looks good for politicians.

Then those with the severest symptoms, who may be at immediate risk to self or others, who get "locked up". Again doesn't look good politically if people are dying.

Then there are those in the middle. Short term therapy not sufficient and health care system not prepared to meet the cost of longer term therapy. They may not be at immediate risk of harm in the physical sense, so they are just prescribed medication to "hold" them in a way that may best allow them to function enough.

In my own case, I was told by Mental Health services, to think less and keep taking the pills, despite having suicidal ideation. I had a protective factor of 2 young children, so suicide was not an option that I wanted to take.

So I was left with psychological "pain" and that was all that was offered.

Fortunately for me, I was in a position to fund long term therapy privately. This has been helpful to me and still is.

It seems there is no individual approach to health care, it is based on societal health. Everyone is a statistic and if the stats add up, then health care is deemed to be working OK.

If there is a way to make money from health, then the insurance companies, drug companies etc, jump right on in there. It's not about the person anymore.

It happens with physical health problems too. In ED departments success is not measured by how many people's lives are saved, but on how long waiting times to be seen are. This puts pressure on clinicians, to get through as many people as possible and mistakes get made. Politicians may see this as a fact of life, but the clinicians are left feeling bad. That they have been unable to do the best for their patients. Their options then, are to get out of the profession or stop caring.

I am very worried about how dangerous the world has become..
and I see so many persons stressed/angry/depressed who are put on antidepressants...
or they are drinking....
I just want to have some friends and hide out somewhere....
I love that song SOMEWHERE....from west side story

((((((((( little turtle ))))))))))

I was more angry when on "paroxetine" and i had other severe physical symptoms. But oh well, I'm "just a number" - "they" told me i don't "matter" - so I suppose I "should" thank "them" (irl) for their "accuracy"

Thank you little turtle for being a decent human being. The longer I live the more I find that too many humans are, imo, "worse" than many (or most ) animals

No disrespect to anyone here,

You're not just a number here ((((fuzzy)))). I agree, there are some pretty unkind people around. Mostly I prefer animals.

[quote=Fuzzybear;5798368]((((((((( little turtle ))))))))))

I was more angry when on "paroxetine" and i had other severe physical symptoms.

I was more irritable and angry when I was on Desvenlafaxine but it was more effective than the current medicine I am taking for depression. Now I have been prescribed escitalopram and with it the improvement is very slow. But then it doesn't get me irritable and hyper.

And you are right fuzzy. Today's people have given up their conscience and are definitely worse than many animals. Animals don't betray or kill for pleasure; for them everything is for survival.

I am really counting on 2 main things to control my bad moods.....
and I am trying to continue withdrawing from my celexa 5 mg...
I am trying to eat healthy and I am walking down the road every day...
I tend to drift into pre-diabetes and I watch that carefully...my blood sugar..
I believe that pre-diabetes and depression run together...
this is very hard work because I want SUGAR...

and I tend toward taking too much coffee and alcohol...I am ok if I stick to two coffees and one drink..

Please watch your blood sugar!
Years ago my blood sugar spiked to over 400 mg/dl after a bout of binge eating from depression.
I have diabetic neuropathy which means constant pain at varying levels.
Please take care pf yourself now.
I've been told the endorphin rush from exercise suppresses the sugar craving.
Bring your heart rate up, don't end up like me.

That's interesting, I am also in pre-diabetic category and definitely crave sugar, but also fats. Have been reading up on ketogenic diets, seems to be some reports that higher ketones can be beneficial to brain function.

soup---thanks...it is so hard to know what to eat for better brain health...

back in the early 60's I was so hoping that these psych drugs were going to be really helpful...and now I don't know what to think...but I really don't like what I see....people just want a pill for anything...and young kids are given drugs to keep them from misbehaving....we are drugging ourselves....and we are being drugged...this does not look good to me...and I was so hopeful...this really saddens me...

actually I would like a pill for everything...life seems so hard...at times it is terrible/awful...
when I had my first panic attack I was ready to take anything for some security...

When I don't eat processed sugars for 2-3 weeks, my thoughts are more precise, less cloudy, as a cloud seems to lift from my foggy brain. That stuff is evil!!

ketones make you stink though srsly, like bad body odor stink

I'm feeling so pissed off again
I'm so "weak"
But I'm helpful to others if people actually give a ****
Why do the wonderful bullies at work pick on a bear, are they not as smart as they think
I might not have all the right words, who does
Oh bad bad paws
Thanks little turtle for believing in me, far too many haven't.

You have helped me too fuzzy. So thanks.