confessions of little turtle

I cant believe what a depression can do to you...how it can take you down so far...so quick...I was in private practice of psychiatry with tremendous responsibility ...and then the very next day unable to function or take any responsibility...very dramatic

it is like cutting off your legs and then telling yourself to walk...even worse because we just don't understand what is going on up there in that brain...

the mind and its many facets are truly fascinating...

even through the misery i can appreciate the brilliance of it and the enormous amount of power the mind generates..

we can be blissfully happy, while on our death bed dieing in agony...
we can be totally oblivious to pain and misery surrounding us through out the day, seeing the good things and acknowledging the positive..
we can be in total agony and feel such pain while being the healthiest person on the planet (physically)
we can walk through the day seeing only pain and suffering even when walking through the most beautiful blissful environment

our experience seems to be subjective... but who is the subject?
what constitutes a normal healthy happy experience?
what IS happy?

contemplating this one would think we could mould our perception into a pleasant experience for ourselves..

but we can only do so much consciously..? so we have to wonder what is the subconscious..
these must be our programs that we are taught.. the world has implanted in us from a young age..
and if so much is controlled by the subconscious, and they have implanted these programs to manipulate our subjective experiences.. why?
instead of instilling within us pleasant things?

can the subconscious constantly be changed? or is it something that is formed and solidified at a certain point forming what we will experience in life to come..?
is the subconscious even part of us? or within the mind? how many levels of consciousness is there? are we on some levels connected through a form of consciousness and that why our subjective experience seems to be influenced so much by something outside?

people should become more interested in the mind.. and less interested in the physical aspects of what we seem to think we understand when it is all a perception of what we create within.. each persons experience is different, so how can we objectify things and say "this is what this is" when the next person may see it completely different but totally agree because he thinks the other see's the same thing as he?

we have no idea what LIFE is
but we are thrown into the violent stream of things every day to try to survive and convince ourselves that we do...

i for one dont understand.. and am not sure why i can't control my perception or the subjective experience that i create within...
but maybe others don't have such violent storms raging within either..

they say curiosity killed the cat, but did the cat discover something that they didnt want him to know and they killed him instead?
preserve the illusion, dont free the people, keep us all chained to our own mental prison and let us believe we are free... people have become happy with this..
and maybe even afraid to take the chains off... because they dont want to be curiosity, the dead cat...

i apologize, i hope that i dont offend anyone - i am just arguing with myself..
much love... explore the mind...

Allergic to seroquel ....

Rash and swelling round the eyes

brazenapogee---
psychiatry ----medical school and psychiatric training---m.d.
psychology----undergraduate and graduate study---phd

I had very little psychology in my training...I learned very little about my own problems...

it was good and bad

this may sound strange but i am proud that i have a mental illness and have survived this long....i didn't kill myself and i did do some good things after breaking down....

I want to be stripped of my medical degree...
I want to be stripped of my psychiatrist training..
I want to come down and be with my people..
my people are all of us with mental illness...
we didn't ask for this....we didn't cause it...
I no longer want to teach...I no longer want to be doctor..
I will share information....I know some things...
one thing I know is to have a mental illness is terrible/awful...
I have had many other physical problems and have gotten support..
but I have not been supported with my mental illness...
it is a silent killer....I am going to be speaking up about my illness..
I hope others here will speak up also....you can tell your story here if you want
I will not shut up about the truth of mental illness...and all the abuses that we have had

WE NEED TO START TAKING OVER OUR OWN HELP AND SUPPORT....

(((((((((little turtle))))))))), please stop degrading yourself! Well, you didn't make it to the top. You are not famous. That doesn't matter! I'm sure that even if you didn't like the system you worked in, you probably helped some. To know that should be your reward in old age. To want to strip yourself from degrees you have earned and experience you have had ...

Nobody is perfect, neither are the psychiatrist or other health personal, neither are you! You are OK the way you are, can't you please accept that!!!

so now I am coming closer to the end....I will be 85 yo in august...what a struggle with my mental illness...it wasn't pretty....but I have had a much better time since my last breakdown in 1973-77 than I ever thought possible...at that time I thought it was over...I wanted to die...it has been hard but I DO NOT WANT to die now...even tho the world is a mess and I am a mess I still want to live...I must have some hope...life is something else

I cant believe what a depression can do to you...how it can take you down so far...so quick...I was in private practice of psychiatry with tremendous responsibility ...and then the very next day unable to function or take any responsibility...very dramatic

it is like cutting off your legs and then telling yourself to walk...even worse because we just don't understand what is going on up there in that brain...

here I am....almost 85 yo and I am terrified of dying....when I had a breakdown in 1973 I didn't want to live...what do you think of that....life is ????

Depressions are for all, layers, police, doctors, bank employed, receptionests, truck-drivers, waites, ..... you name it.

It's OK that you had a MI. Yes, it it did hurt, but so it is for everyone who have MI. I'm sorry that you never got complete over it, but please make peace with yourself. You are OK the way you are!

Why? Some think it is the end (stop in everything for them), while others expect to find a life after death. I am with the last alternative. I'm not afaid to die! Please make peace with the alteernative you have chosen or that one you will chose!

I have hope...but it is real...not false...I will speak out...not as a doctor but as a person who knows about the abuses that big psychiatry is now calling mental health...I have lived to tell the tale of corruption and abuse...I am going to go after the bad guys...
I have waited far too long...I have not been very brave...but I have been a good doctor...not a very good psychiatrist but I tried...

Turtle, inside the system there might work many decent and good people. They may not have accepted the system, but they have probably understood that outside the system there is no place for them. Please accept that what has happened has happened!

"There is a time for everything". I appreciate your will to change the system, but I think it has to be done naturally, when the system is ready. According to yourself you have been a good doctor. THAT IS ENOUGH!

I don't want to make peace...I need to help younger people now with mental illness...and they need to know what is going on to be healthy...I am not going to any heaven...my heaven is right now...righting some of the wrongs..we need to start questioning....

I meant to make peace with yourself that this has been your life and that that is OK. Give yourself some time to rest and enjoy your last years. A lot of things have happened in the Mental Health field the last years and more will happen. The young will benefit from that. The American Health-care is known to the rest of the world in using too much medication. I think that will change with time. America has to learn from other countries.

I hope you will be able to see that you have done your best inside the frames that became yours.

I wish I could help you Little Turtle, I can barely help myself at this point. (((hugz)))

I have found life to be extremely hard...
I have seen extreme suffering around me...
I still want to live...why...I just don't know..

the hardest things now... are the harm that I have caused others....and the harm that I did to myself...that just doesn't go away by some magic trick