To those who attempted suicide and survived

Attempted twice. The first time was due to an identity crisis, and the second time was due to an existential crisis. I was upset and miserable both times. I'm honestly not sure why I'm still alive outside of being too scared to go through with it (too scared to ask parents to try therapy or see a doctor, my parents aren't the most understanding people I know, and I moved to different places too often to find friends that I considered close), but I've calmed down in recent years. Now I'm just entertaining myself while going through college and planning for a career in software development.

Surprised? Dumbfounded? Even more surprising than a well worked machine not working once, is it not working twice. I've gone over every step and tried to figure out what went wrong. But here I am.

So I decided to wake up the next day. And the next, and the next. And at some point I decided it's been this long since I tried, I'm too deep into life now.

And not the hopeful optimistic way. More the "I left my phone at home, but whatever, I'malready at the store now"

(as a kid)
Terrified that someone would figure out what I did.
Managed a perfectly executed story and excuse. Even got past the ER doc stitching me up.

A few years later a relative, also a minor, attempted and went to inpatient. She hated it, resented it.

When she left she still hated it.
But I'll tell you what; before she went, she'd get steamrolled by anyone and everyone in her family. Afterwards, she was tougher than steel. Mean as can be; but she owned her life. The rest of her family still don't get it; but I do.

From that point on, I very much regretted my successful story telling.... but it was much too late.

I suppose it depends on the day... sometimes disappointed. Other times relieved. If I wasn't still here I never would have met my husband. But, if I'd never met him he wouldn't know my pain. And I feel like I'm dragging him down with me.

i have tried a few times. On a couple times i was in intensive care with a guard watching me un till i stabilized, and they could transfer me to a psy ward. one time while i was attempting i felt scared. At that time i had several things i would do if another would fail, including a gun. Other times i wad depressed, felt hopeless, and that no one would miss me if i were gone. Depression is a very strong emotion, and i still feel it almost every day of my life. I know i have so much to be thankful for, but i also have so many abuses, and other things that i have been through. I am still working with a therapist, and a therapist to help me work through everything.I also have all of you ppl to help me through some of it, and i thank all of you who help, befriend me, or anything. It has been such a long battle, i just want to feel like a normal person.

Coffeee, i have tried several times, and failed, i understand that there is always a reason that this did not work, bc i tried almost everything there was to try. I am still extremely depressed, but i have begun to think i am here for a reason. Life at this point in my life sucks, but it is life, compared to never waking up again. Not to mention all the ppl that you touch in your lifetime. You never know what you as a person have done, or may do for ppl in the past, or future. And just think what might happen if you never meet those ppl.

The 2nd time I tried(many years ago),at first I felt so shocked when I woke up,I wasn't sure if I had succeeded or not.I was lying there,looking around,and confused,wondering if I was dead or not.Thinking to myself "did I die and I am just a spirit now,here in the same place I was before?".I wasn't sure,everything looked kind of hazy and bright in the room and I couldn't think clearly.

I stayed where I was,lying on the bed,waiting,knowing I would eventually figure it out.Eventually the haze started lifting,things didn't look so bright,my head cleared and I realized I was not dead.Then I felt such a deep hurting and aching inside of me that went deep into the center of my being.I was still here,I had failed,I didn't want to be here,I didn't want to live.

I was completely devastated.

I vowed to never try again unless there was 0% chance of surviving.

I no longer feel that way though,I want to live.There's always,always,something to live for,even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

I attempted suicide a few days after my 13th birthday. I felt very calm at the moment, on top of the world. Ever since that I've wanted to do it again.

Humiliated.

Angry, confused, powerless, overwhelmed.

I was euphoric