To those who attempted suicide and survived

Wow, again your posts are insightful, easy to follow and helpful;
If you're not a journalist/writer by profession, you should be...

STIGMA- That's what I was trying to say.

I think, based on my life experiences both as a human being (now middle-aged), and as a RN,
mental illness has more stigma (false assumptions) than any other illness.

It's almost like people are either afraid or annoyed or suspicious or very critical about how you feel, think or behave.

I guess it all falls under the category of --
--Life is not fair, people can be so mean & selfish, and you need to always protect yourself since others' may not be looking out for what's in YOUR best interests.--

Laws, including FMLA, HIPAA and confidentiality, like all government laws,
are only useful for those willing and able (time, money and perseverance) to defend/reclaim their rights. (Most post serious mental illness, would not have those resources).

The fact that employment applications can ask,
have you have ever been treated for psychiatric/mental illness,
pretty much explains why the stigma still exists.
(Assumption is that if you check yes, it could disqualify you for employment).

btw, I condensed my long post (went off on tangents)...
I'm not having a good day/night,
but thanks for giving me the opportunity to think about something, other than my own despair,
and overwhelming desire to "disappear".

--Also, just wanted to mention, it seemed (I started counting) that those who were disappointed or angry to still be alive, post suicide attempt, outnumbered those who felt happy (later on) to have failed.
I guess counting is meaningless, unless we had the input from those who succeeded (who are now dead). IDK. But wish I did know.

Again, I must end this post with saying that I really admire those who have had the strength to keep living (whether they wanted or didn't want to);

It's exhausting and frustrating, being stuck in this world, when things feel so unpleasant (sad) and sometimes horrific...

Kinda like, the times when you ask yourself,
could anything be worse than how I feel right now (about life)?...
-And the answer too often is, probably not.

Had a really bad day (life situations/events) which has pretty much become a norm (every) day in my life.
And as if I didn't already know it, my brother had to remind me that he doesn't know anybody who has worse luck (in life) than me...

Sorry that my usual self-brainwashing to be positive,
is not working at the moment...
Hopefully tomorrow I'll be a bit more logical/reasonable.
Take care. Good night.

I know exactly how you feel. It is my fault I got sick and my fault for now being bed ridden, my fault for taking a ton of pain pills. Everything comes back to being my fault. If I could, I would kick that surgeons *** for saving my life. I am sick of the blame game and not being able to do anything!!!

I dont think some people realize they are even doing it. I remember being in the hospital ER and they staff almost treated me with anger. Like I was an inconvenience and they are just their because they have an obligation to treat me but clearly didn't want to.

The thoughts in my head that I couldnt verbalize was "I'm sorry for almost dying and being in so much pain I couldn't cope. Next time I'll do it right or in the very least I won't bother the medical system with my imaginary, burdensome mental illness. I'm sure everyone has more important things to do rather than give me any caring or compassion. "

Most people don't understand mental illness because they try to relate to their life. We all use our experiences to relate. People that have never suffered from depression or other illnesses can't understand what it feels like. There is a lot of pain you just carry around and deal with that people don't see or don't know it is there because when you reach out you are met with in validation which just makes how you feel seem like your fault and you're just a bad or broken person.

Well said

I haven't attempted su. .. Although I've thought of doing it many times, even made "plans"

But I was met with that exact response when I first consulted a "doctor" ..... I should have apologised to that "doctor" for being such an inconvenience etc.... Shame on me for not "coping" completely on my own at all times. Shame

And shame on me for believing the fairy tale that "doctors" (IRL) actually give a crap about people..

After being told by my father when I was younger, how I "bled him dry" financially for being in a hospital, I told him I was sorry I survived. Though it's a different time with different people, I'm still very sorry I didn't succeed.

I find myself wanting to respond because my attempt is one of the most significant events in my life (though secondary to my marriage, birth of children, etc.). I had truly hit rock bottom. Only now I realize I had been depressed since 2009 (the attempt was in 2015). At the time, I was numb yet somewhat angry and truly felt like a failure. It landed me in the hospital (two operations, intensive care, etc.) for 20 days followed by five days in a mental institution! I have lots of issues with doubting the existence of god (still do), but once I became more cognizant that I had survived, I found myself thinking that the only way that I could still be here is that a higher power decided that it wasn't my time (I was supposed to live). I'm extremely lucky. My family was there and that was no small feat because some of my family lives far away from me.
The event truly changed my life. At the time, the depression had numbed my feelings so much that I did not feel at all scared when I did it and I actually believed my family would be better off without me. The event was so shocking, that I have been doing a lot of soul-searching and went to therapy for the first time. After more than one year of trying to understand why, my depression finally lifted. It also lifted because the seriousness of what I did made me more open to making changes in my life. I'm now a better wife and mother (at least a little bit better) and am not too proud to ask for help. I was not drinking when I made the attempt, but am now sort of afraid of drinking simply because I am truly committed to trying to keep the depression monster at bay.
I occassionally read how people are dealing with their mental health issues at psychcentral and now I understand that a lot of people have much greater struggles than I have ever faced. Because of my attempt, I have much greater empathy for what they are dealing with. I hope there are others who have made attempts who can realize that their life matters.

Humpty Dumpty, You may already realize this but your issues with your wife may be at least partially responsible for your suicidal thoughts. Having made an attempt, sometimes I think we dream about suicide because it's much less painful than thinking about what is truly bothering us. Unfortunately, a good relationship isn't a one-sided thing. But examining your feelings about your wife (does her attitude break your heart? Allow yourself to feel it and acknowledge it) could decrease your desire to die. I truly hope your suicidal thoughts end. Myst

Hi Nammu...

I don't really understand how forums operate, so let me ask you, how do I pull up your old posts?

This post has caused me to want to know more about you, and I'd like to read some of your posts.

Thanks...

Annie

Let me ask you something, Marcy...

Choose life? And how long does this choice last? Ten years, 50 years?
In other words, we are all going to die, rotting in a coffin, and rather soon in the grand scheme of things, going to be that cadaver you see on the boob tube but don't think it applies to you. This universe is supposedly billions of years old with billions, billions of humans who have walked this planet...we all need to grasp this that you and I and all here are literally just handful of the BILLIONS who have walked this planet--in other words, we need to get over ourselves.

So we "choose life" and live to be 100 and die in our sleep? Not likely. Overwhelming odds are that if we live to be, not old (old in the Grand Scheme of Things may not even apply to the Universe which is supposedly BILLIONS of years old) but say 100, odds are we will either have cancer, heart disease, Parkinson's, bad painful arthritis. This fairy tale that we live to be old, that the golden years are wonderful, is just that. A fairy tale which people believe in, to avoid looking at life the way it really is....much if not most of the world living in heinous poverty we can't even imagine, humans, far too many, being killed through gangs, thievery, having their heads literally whittled off--we should all grasp this (what a darn beautiful place we humans have made this planet...not), burned alive. And...and...humans make the story even more appealing by perpetuating the idea that after we are a corpse, we have these eternal spirits that live forever and ever with God and the angels. Makes a good story. God, I hope this story is true, but of all the billions of humans who have died, billions, not one has come back and given proof that there is a God and after-life.

Choose life? If we were to really, really look at it with honesty and guts, who would choose to live a few years--choose life--on this planet, one polluted with man's chemicals and nature. Highly polluted.

Makes me sad that this earth is finally succumbing to an animal, us. We destroyed it environmentally and morally, we egocentric humans who think the world revolves around us. Huge ego. As I said, we need to get over ourselves, and then perhaps there might be something to choosing a brief amount of time down here, to choosing life.

Annie

Is depression really a form of mental illness? When I look at life and the world we live in...as I've said before, in a relatively short time we all be food for the insects, put into a crematory, etc. To deal with this horrific fact--if one really grasps it, it is rather horrific going from beingness to food for the insects--man has, since the beginning of time, come up with stories involving an eternal God, a heaven, angels, and an eternal spirit within each person, etc. in order to cope with a most horrific, depressing thought. There is certainly the possibility that our "essence" transcends death--who knows?!-- but imo a mature person considers the possibility of the insect thing and nothing after that.

A look at the world: dishonesty galore, not much at all real true compassion for others (how many people would take in a homeless person?), priority on money and not the individual, animals for food and/or their beautiful fur being treated horrifically, war almost everywhere you look, heads actually being whittled off (I encourage everyone to watch these videos so that you won't live in lala land, very different seeing these murders than reading about them)...I could go on.

So, imo a healthy minded individual would be depressed.
Huge numbers of those running around taking Prozac, Paxil, etc. are imo just taking "denial" pills...hence they run around smiling big, telling others to have a wonderful day when too many kids' bellies are grossly swollen from hunger and...heads are being cut off or people being burned alive. Which is really the form of mental illness?

Annie

This made me think of something I've been wondering about..

In order for humankind to not commit suicide in droves, it seems reasonable to me the neurotransmittors of the brain are designed in such a way to somewhat put people in denial and hardwired to believe in God and an eternal spirit that will live in bliss forever with this "creator" (or many would commit suicide considering how bleak life is for a majority of people), to make certain that most people continue to live and populate so that the human animal race does not die out. These denial pills I call them...Prozac, Paxil, etc. are the attempt of the animal in pants/dresses to get the brain back in that denial (crazy) state.

Annie

There isn't a lack of despair in the world and there is no shortage of people with bad lives. Some people may have never had much of a good experience in life, but that doesn't necessary make them have depression.

When people that have depression think about it and explain what it feels like, its more than just sadness. This is the predominant feeling for most or others feel empty and cant feel anything. There is a list of other stuff that comes along for the ride for most. One of the hallmarks is lost interest in activities onced enjoyed; movies, dates, friends, sex etc. Then the frustration of knowing you like those things and feeling absolutely no enjoyment from them. It makes me feel broken and I just force myself to do stuff I enjoy in hopes I will feel good doing it some of the time. Then there is the guilt. It comes from no where and for no reason. I haven't done anything in my life to hurt anyone, but yet I feel like a terrible person or most commonly worthless. Without meds I find it very hard to concentrate. I mean with meds recently it is hard to focus because I seem to be having obsessive thoughts of suicidal ideation. Without the meds I get all the physical stuff too.

Then you get the physical stuff. Some people can't sleep (maybe curling up in a ball and crying for hours) or in my case I don't want to wake up. If I could I would sleep a lot; 12-14 hours maybe more if I get low enough. Family and work keep me from giving into that escape. Then you have the fatigue. Like carrying around a lead sweater and a book bag full of books. Everything feels heavy and takes a lot of effort. Sometimes I think I even think slower and move slower.

I wouldn't advise people to watch videos of people being murdered. I think a lot of depressed people, including myself are sensitive to death. I think about it a lot, I don't want to just thoughts racing through my head. Trying to cook dinner for my son and think about the knife in the block, or driving home and just wanting to veer off into a pole or something. Myself I don't want that visual in my head.

There may be people in this world on anti-depressants that don't need them. Some people that need them but just self medicate with drugs or booze to fill the despair and emptiness. People have different experiences and from my experience the antidepressents don't make you happy. They just make the constant dread, physical symptoms and sometimes the suicidal ideation reduced. I don't think of it as living in lala land but trying to reclaim some amount of me back, and not just be my illness.

I probably do live in lala land. I don't watch the news, I don't think about all the bad things in the world. I just can't deal with that and deal with my mental illness. My goal is to get through the day. Make sure my family has a house and food. Try to be there for my wife and try to work the best I can. If I can make it through the day then I have succeeded.

I think for all of the bad in the world there is a proportionate amount of good in the world. People donate food and the homeless have shelters in a lot of cities. Even if they don't have a house or means to survive people in most places can have food and not starve to death. Doctors go to africa to help the less fortunate. Medicines get dontated to some countries that don't have the means to buy or create them. Its the small stuff that means a lot to the individual that rarely gets shared.

I think some of the stigma comes from people confusing feeling depressed with depression. Bad stuff happens, loved ones die and feeling depressed after a loss or trauma is normal. Feeling this way for years with little reason is depression. Having situational sadness and calling it depression is like going to the olive garden and calling it Italy.

Hi Adam,

I disagree with you on a few things, that's life, but I love you as one human being to another and have great, great respect for you.

May I ask you a question?


Annie

I hope you find your faith again. For many it provides great joy and strength at the hardest of times. I'm far from the expert on that, but if you search long enough I have to imagine you will find the church or people that make you feel spiritual.

When I think back on my life I always had depression. Since like second grade I would act sick a lot so I didn't have to go to school. I missed maybe 1 day a week. I was always really intelligent and I never failed a grade, but in retrospect it was the strong desire to withdraw that subconsciously led me to do it. I always wanted to sleep a lot. A normal sleep for me is twelve hours. I can't do that because of work and family.

My teens it got worse. I think I started having suicidal ideation around 14. I had my first attempt at 17.

I think the point it got at its worst is when I discovered who my parents were. I had lived with mom and dad and they split up when I was 8. I chose to live with dad. When I was 16 a cousin told me that the man I was calling dad was not my biological father. My mother had an affair with her sisters husband. At the time I had no idea how to process that. It also made the wheel click about why my dad's family treated me differently. My dad loved my brother and I the same but it stopped being equal there. I often felt like a burden and just wanted to hide. After I found that out I felt like I didn't belong. I should have talked to my father about it. I didn't even know how to have the conversation. "Dad, why do you love me?". I didn't have a way to understand or get help. My dad passed when I was 18 when made things really bad. My mother wasn't very involved. She isn't a bad person, just isn't good at being a mom. My son is two and she has only seen him twice. So when I lost dad it was like being an orphan. I was 18 and wasn't hustled away to some shelter. I lived in the same house with my brother and uncles.

I think I can understand some of your pain with losing your faith. You have this thing in your head that is the absolute truth. Then you lose that and don't know how to view the world or possibly yourself.

My depression hasn't always been severe. Before 14 I think it was there and affected me. After 14-19 it was severe. 19 I got some therapy and met what is now my wife and started putting my life in the direction I wanted it to go. I think it started to reoccur my 4th year of college. I just threw myself into school as a way to cope. If you totally overworked it becomes a point where you can't feel anything, like how empty and sad you used to feel. The greatly impacted my marriage. Not directly but behind the scenes causing distance to form and resentment from my wife. That came to a head and we almost divorced but decided to try marriage counseling and I decided to go to therapy and get treatment. That was three years and 4 months ago.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.
Especially the recent posts from fuzzybear, Adam_K and AnnaBettina.
Please ignore all typos since I'm on my phone and it's very hard for me to see due to eye injury Friday and complete exhaustion....

First, I know I need help, can't snap out of my obsession with wanting to be dead, but like Fuzzybear describes (having worked in healthcare field for decades and other negative life experiences), rejection, or non-caring "professionals" is something I am not able to be subjected to right now)....

As I read your posts, I keep thinking nobody should have to live in so much pain (mental anguish), including me.

It makes me want to cry, that many of us, can't stop hoping we will die, solely because the pain of life has become too UNBEARABLE.

The most heart-wrenching posts here are those who have attempted suicide and regret that they are still alive...

So what is the solution or answer?

Can a life or death decision ever be made that we can be certain it was the correct one?

This is what I keep asking myself...
???????

Here's a few of the rationale answers I say to myself, (that unfortunately does nothing to make me "feel" like I want to stay alive):

1. Morally and Spiritually, choosing life always wins...
E.g. Suicide is murder and murder is wrong.
God brought us into this life so only HE should be able to decide when we die.

2. Life is always CHANGING (beyond our control or required input), that
actually forces us
to accept and acknowledge HOPE.
(Things can always get better and miracles, although unlikely do exist).

3. I can't because all humans have a natural instinct to stay alive...

A few on my very long list of arguments I have with myself on why I can NOT KILL MYSELF,
And guess what?
It does nothing and I still FEEL that I want to be dead.

My reasons right now are due primarily to ongoing horrific life events/situations;
But many years ago I had clinical depression when my life was not that awful ((I had many good reasons to want to be alive), and I went through a time when I thought about suicide, so I fully can relate to those who feel suicidal due to physical, clinical depression) reasons.

What should we do???

Since I know likely all of you have read articles like I have, (about dealing with suicidal ideations) I won't even consider quoting the usual practical "tips"...
(Hasn't worked for me, just like it may not work for many of you)...

In conclusion, the only solution or answer I have right now is======
I want to simply and personally give all of you thinking about suicide,
a hug.---

And I want to say, that today, YOUR lives (words, posts, discussions and even disagreements) meant alot to me.
Thank you for being alive today, so I was no longer alone.

Thanks for validating how I feel, by sharing your innermost thoughts that are so similar to mine.

I felt tremendous peace while I was because I felt that somebody, somewhere understands how I feel.
While it's not a good thing that we all feel so awful and I have become so obsessed with wanting to be dead,
at least I am no longer alone with my negative feelings.

My greatest hope is that most of us might get the opportunity to some day, real soon FEEL
real joy and happiness.
Not think about being happy "some day" but actually and naturally feel it.
Because I'm certain that's the best treatment known to cure and permanently eradicate suicidal thoughts.

But for now Im very appreciative I had an hour or so of peace because I felt like I belonged here, while reading others' thoughts that are so similar to mine.

So although it may sound very selfish, please stay alive, at least for a little while longer,
and please keep sharing your feelings, so I am not alone with mine.
Your lives matter so much to me,
and without your thoughts I would be left completely alone with mine.

Despite my being a complete stranger, I need you all so much, because I know you most likely understand how I feel, unlike everybody else Im in contact with (off line).

Everywhere I go, everything I do, whether I'm pretending to be fine or opening up to a friend or family member (in hope that they might help me), NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL, but I think many of you do, because your posts so often say exactly what Im thinking .

You said, "I'm still very sorry I didn't succeed."-
Now, 5 months later (November 2016), you have no idea how much it saddens me to hear that from you and so many (majority) here
who have attempted suicide and later regret their plans failed (they're still alive).

I have never attempted suicide, but have thought about it for almost 1 1/2 years, and the likely reason I've had no attempts so far, (have come VERY close)
is because I would want to make 100% sure, rather 111% sure if I ever did, I would be dead. (and being dead was the right decision).
Dead is permanent.

There's that lingering doubt (likely 1% or less on most days) that's kept me alive.

And coming to this thread over and over, is likely unhealthy for people like me - who HOPE to hear somebody (there's a few) say loudly and joyfully, I'm so happy I'm still alive (failed at suicide).

The stages before and after suicide attempts, should be that
the attempt is a LOUD CRY FOR HELP, for people they know or are in contact with them and those people (E.G. Family, friends + Doctors) will help that person to make necessary changes in their life (and health) so they no longer want (desire) to be dead.

Nobody should have to live a life, always wishing they were not here (dead).

There can be so many positive things in life (I had them but don't anymore) that
would bring them joy, peace, love and happiness= Thankful to be alive (most of the time)

IDK, but am curious how long the people here (who attempted suicide) thought about that decision before the attempt?
A day, a week, months, years?

I'm wondering for many reasons,
but especially because after almost 1 1/2 years I hope life will actually get better and I'll have only a fleeting thought or no reasons to want to be dead... OR I'll resolve that 1% doubt and just (finally) do it -
And either way the unbearable pain (of living) will end.

I know everybody's reasons (for wanting to end their own life) are different.
Mine is much simpler (horrific lifestyle makes life NOW unbearable and horrific to me)
and if I ever could solve those problems that's lasted about 4 years (the prior 50 were decent enough that I rarely, maybe never felt like dead was better than alive) -

For those who suffer from severe clinical depression, (which I do not), I know shaking that feeling is really tough and their lifestyle is a small piece of the puzzle...(and too often medications and therapy is simply not enough to cure what led up to their suicide attempt, nor fix what happens after).

As always, I'm hoping for the best for all of you, and good (HAPPY) things to come, for everyone, including me.

Will I make my first attempt and successfully die?
IDK (hopefully not), but if I do, I hope somebody remembers me here (and my posts meant more than my just talking to myself online.
Take care.

I felt like maybe, just maybe the pain could stop. I failed and therefore, the pain's never subsided.

I just want peace.

Me too, pain stop=peace.

Please try to determine exactly what WILL stop the pain (other than death) and STOP IT.

I'll assume you are alone (nobody willing/able to help you stop the pain)-
Identify it, (try) fix it + because nobody should have to spend a lifetime in pain.
We weren't born that way, and we shouldn't have to live that way.

How long is a reasonable amount of time to be stuck in pain,
before "society" says,
"ok, we now approve and inform you it's time for you to end your life because there's no possibility, and we can't hep you to make that pain go away?".

It might just be me, or my life,
but I believe the PRIMARY REASON people are forced to kill themselves,
is because nobody cares (lack compassion/concern) for those who are suffering in severe, immobilizing pain.

No, a 3 day hospital stay, a few questionable medications, or even a 30 day stay of intensive therapy, is simply not enough to cure the pain/despair or depression/anger having suicidal thoughts creates.

Please do something that will bring you JOY today (anything),
I'm not equipped to help you cure your pain,
but I hope a few minutes of joy, may make it more bearable today.

I would hope that you don't make that attempt because from reading your posts here you have given much wisdom and allowed many people to share and it would be a great loss. I know that many people would remember you and what you have said here.

BEFORE: Desperation, no appetite for life, low moral, isolated and un-loved!
AFTER PLANNING: Content and a sense of relief!
NOW: Still feeling the same (Not as bad)

Take care mate..................

I hope none of you will kill himself... it would break my heart to hear this

Remember that there are people who care about you... even if you don't know about them

For me before the # of attempts made, it was a sense of stark numbness and a kind of skewed logic that seemed perfectly rational at the time.

On the flip and (obviously) having survived... has resulted in a flood of emotion that has over-whelmed putting me in a very wobbly state... thankfully I was in hospital by that point so further action was carefully monitored.

In short, I guess 'scared' was the end result... a full acknowledgment of how skewed my perception on life was leading up to the attempt compared to when I'm on a more even playing field; knowing that I still have much to contribute rather than being a strain on those around me.

I'm glad you're still here. Plus, I love that signature

I'm somewhat speechless at the moment (rare for me) but I must thank you "Coffeee" for saying to ME,
possibly the 5 most important words I'll ever hear:
"...Don't make that attempt because..."
Thank you for noticing me and acknowledging my life as having some meaning and value.
I used to feel that way, but no longer do...
Hope you are right and somehow, I'll get rid of this awful feeling...
There used to be so many "becauses" and a shame I can't recognize them anymore. I will try.