[MoonSky29]

First of all, Hello! I've come to these forums with the purpose of sharing my current experiences, and probably someone who has been trough similar situations can advise me.

Basically, since 2 years ago I have no life. My mental health has taken all of it. I don't even know what kind of conditions I have by now. I know I'm depressed but it also seems I suffer from social anxiety and a ton of things more that I can't quite figure out. My mind is a hell.

It all began in 2015 (I was 17 y.o at the time) when I entered college. At mid-year I started to suffer from social anxiety. In that same year a family conflict arised. I also discovered I don't feel comfortable in the body I am (aka discovered I'm trans). I cried all nights and had such sadness that I'd have sworn I was able to feel physical pain in my chest.

2016 wasn't any better. I started another career at uni but only attended a month. Since then I've done nothing other than in September getting a part-time job that I quit a bit more than a month later because I felt overwhelmed by people at work. I've signed up myself on a martial arts class twice a week and even for that I often don't have motivation.

I live alone (which I actually enjoy) I have no friends, I don't do anything except being on the internet all time. I sleep so much that i often get migraines. I haven't been home since last year bc I can't stand my father, he's a violent person. He doesn't hit me now but he did often when i was a kid. I don't know when it was the last time he hit my mother, probably 1 or 2 yrs ago. Since I have a conscience I remember hearing my mom's desperate screams when she was getting beaten up by my father.
He's a closed minded person and won't let people do anything he doesn't approve of.

Currently I'm not as sad as i was before, I'm indifferent to most things. I have no passions. It's hard for me to focus and remember stuff. This is what worries me the most since I don't know what will I do (academically) with my life.

It hurts me so much just seeing people having a normal life, studying, working. Just having a life. Doing things daily. Having a life seems like a luxury to me. It hurts so much because I'm not able to do stuff as simple as that. Something always comes in the way. I want to. But at the time I get overwhelmed, stressed, I hate myself even more than before. And I stop doing whatever makes me feel that way, in fear that it'll get worse, and then it'll be irreparable.

At the beginning of this year I've started to get suicidal thoughts. I don't want to kill myself. I just want to wake up dead from my sleep. Or have an accident. I feel like there's not a reason why I should be here. I'm not good at anything. It's a living hell being in this mind state.

That was a summary of what I've been through mentally wise. If it sounds cold or like it's not a big deal, believe me it isn't so. I've suffered so much that I wouldn't be able to write it all in one post.

This is my life nowadays. I need help. I want help. I want to change but something always stops me. I'm young, I'm 19 years old and I have done nothing with my life. I don't want to waste it like this. Thanks to everyone in advance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello MoonSky29: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

First of all welcome to the forum! It's a good place to share everything about mental health and other personal and interpersonal subjects.

As for your concerns, I can empathize with you.
You've been through allot of things. You started going to college, going to jobs. You're working hard independently to move onward. That is a rare thing to do, and I'm on a similar boat, too!
I suggest you take some "zen" moments to hold your thumbs against your pinkies, a little meditation posture while in front on the computer. Breath calmly, be attuned to the current circumstances you've been experiencing.
Besides that, do you go to a therapist? There's no question in how much a therapist can help you. And like me, you know your symptoms on your own.
We're kinda alike, I have to say

[MommaD]

Moonsky29, I'm so sorry you're living through such a difficult time. There was a time not so long ago when I just wanted to have it all go away too, just to stop the pain. It did get better. Even though it's hard to see how right now, I believe you can get better too.
You aren't wasting your life--you're fighting one of the hardest battles a person can fight. But you don't have to fight it alone. Keep posting and people here will keep responding with support and encouragement. But please do reach out for help
In real life too. Find someone--friend, family member, doctor, teacher, minister, therapist--someone to talk to who can listen and help as well.
Sending you healing thoughts

[MtnTime2896]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. Can't go to school and can't work. Having a life does seem a luxury, one that a lot of people take for granted. I'm two years older than you, it seems. There's one really good thing about being our age; statistically speaking, we have enough life left to change. Change everything. When I first started realizing I needed some help, I found myself incapable to reach out for it. I felt that I didn't deserve it and that I was a lost cause, anyway. My mind doesn't cope like the average mind should. The abuse I witnessed and endured growing up stunted that ability. My mind is a storm and too much is happening at once for me to be able to decipher how to get the **** out of it. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about here. I don't know your mind and I can only empathize with have I've read here. I'm a spectator looking into a piece of you. However, if you ever need or want someone to talk to, I'm here. Message me anytime. Welcome to PC.

[MoonSky29]

Thanks to everyone for your caring words! Reading people who doesn't know me, but can empathize by sharing similar experiences, really helps me, and somehow there's someone out there that I can reach out for.
As for a life update: I've started college, had just 4 classes by now. Things went better than expected. I didn't suffer of panic being surrounded by new people, at lectures I was able to focus better than on past years.
Of course the excitement is not the same as on previous years. I even wonder if I should be studying this, do I really like it. If not, what do I actually like.

[MoonSky29]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

First of all welcome to the forum! It's a good place to share everything about mental health and other personal and interpersonal subjects.
As for your concerns, I can empathize with you.
You've been through allot of things. You started going to college, going to jobs. You're working hard independently to move onward. That is a rare thing to do, and I'm on a similar boat, too!
I suggest you take some "zen" moments to hold your thumbs against your pinkies, a little meditation posture while in front on the computer. Breath calmly, be attuned to the current circumstances you've been experiencing.
Besides that, do you go to a therapist? There's no question in how much a therapist can help you. And like me, you know your symptoms on your own.
We're kinda alike, I have to say

Thanks for such encouraging words. You have no idea how much reading them helps me. You probably must have felt this too, but oftentimes I think as something is wrong with me, that I'm the odd one so seeing I'm not the only one feeling the things i've previously described really makes me feel less alone.
I do go to a therapist, I don't know where would I be without their help.
As for the meditation, you've got my interest. Pardon my ignorance, but what kind of benefits does it have or what have you personally noticed?
Btw, forgive me if my posts seem a bit messy, I'm still learning how the forum works.

Originally Posted by MoonSky29

Thanks for such encouraging words. You have no idea how much reading them helps me. You probably must have felt this too, but oftentimes I think as something is wrong with me, that I'm the odd one so seeing I'm not the only one feeling the things i've previously described really makes me feel less alone.
I do go to a therapist, I don't know where would I be without their help.
As for the meditation, you've got my interest. Pardon my ignorance, but what kind of benefits does it have or what have you personally noticed?
Btw, forgive me if my posts seem a bit messy, I'm still learning how the forum works.

I personally don't perform any "official" meditation techniques.
I personally just accept the moments when I feel bad, sit with myself, breathe, explore the thoughts and feelings... give myself some time, as much as I can... I allow myself to focus on small things, like small details of a leaf, small noises around my area (such as birds, cats, wind). Sometime I'd hold my thumbs against my pinkies like you do in a meditation pose to feel more meditative. I let the time pass, gather inner energies to allow myself to get pumped up to do things I need/want.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by MoonSky29

First of all, Hello! I've come to these forums with the purpose of sharing my current experiences, and probably someone who has been trough similar situations can advise me.

Basically, since 2 years ago I have no life.

I live alone (which I actually enjoy) I have no friends, I don't do anything except being on the internet all time. I sleep so much that i often get migraines. I haven't been home since last year bc I can't stand my father, he's a violent person. He doesn't hit me now but he did often when i was a kid.

Currently I'm not as sad as i was before, I'm indifferent to most things. I have no passions. It's hard for me to focus and remember stuff. This is what worries me the most since I don't know what will I do (academically) with my life.

It hurts me so much just seeing people having a normal life,

This is my life nowadays. I need help. I want help. I want to change but something always stops me. I'm young, I'm 19 years old and I have done nothing with my life. I don't want to waste it like this. Thanks to everyone in advance.

I believe I would have shut down under those conditions myself ... you are very young and have so much more time than you can even begin to believe ... patience ... there is plenty of time ... higher education is not for everyone ... you are not wasting your life ... this is your time to find yourself ... your interests and passions ... it is more important to follow your bliss than what society deems you need ...

one of my favorite quote is " what a waste to climb the ladder of sucess only to find it leaning against the wrong wall " .... this is your time ... find what fulfills you ... try things ... experiment with new experiences ... but find that bliss that is only for you .... remember no one else has your path ... be orginial ... one of a kind ... all of this flows out from your fullness ... so fill your self up ... Tigger.