[sinking]

How did you feel? Scared? Powerful? Hopeless? What?

I tried an attempt but a circumstance at the time prevented me in the end. I started out angry. Then realized I needed help and to the hospital I went. I have never felt happy that it never happened. Rather, I have instead lived with the realization that living is something I must do.

[Finniky]

Angry, panicked, miserable, betrayed, abandoned, and alone.
I was convinced by a handful of people (most of all my sister) to kill myself. Not by insinuations, but outright demands that I must do it, and should do it.
I went to the hospital, where I felt ashamed that I didn't die, like I thought I should have.
I was 11, so the memory is old, but the psychological torture from those people made a mark on the person I am today.

done with life.

(okay i know it's not really a state of mind, but it's how i felt)

alone, i guess, depressed obviously- and desperate for a way out

on each of my attempts.. gutted it never worked- and it just made me more angry and sink deeper in to self harm

Before each attempt I felt a sense of desperation and inevitability. And as shattered sanity said..done with life.

And then once I realised it hadn't worked/wasn't gonna work I felt a sense of shame and just stupidity. And definitely disappointed.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by HalloweenSkye

Before each attempt I felt a sense of desperation and inevitability. And as shattered sanity said..done with love.

And then once I realised it hadn't worked/wasn't gonna work I felt a sense of shame and just stupidity. And definitely disappointed.

Described my feelings perfectly

[Purplespider]

Originally Posted by Finniky

Angry, panicked, miserable, betrayed, abandoned, and alone.
I was convinced by a handful of people (most of all my sister) to kill myself. Not by insinuations, but outright demands that I must do it, and should do it.
I went to the hospital, where I felt ashamed that I didn't die, like I thought I should have.
I was 11, so the memory is old, but the psychological torture from those people made a mark on the person I am today.

My forum name is Purplespider. My real name is Marcy and I live in Virginia. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am a nurse and understand what you are going through as well. I too have been where you are right now. The things that have helped me to choose life are my close friends and having a diary. Now, I feel better about certain things. I can write things down that helped me to release some of that painful experience. I also went to see a therapist for about three years after the incident and that also helped me heal. I also did some art therapy sessions which helped incorporate my healing process. Just know that there is always help and hope in every situation and if you need someone to talk to, talk to your best friend or talk to a counselor at your school. I wish you the best.

Hopeless / Helpless / Disillusioned / Betrayed / Bereft / Desolate / Overwhelmed / Confused / Toadally Off My Nut!

Glad I pfailed!

Otherwise the SOB's that drove me to that state would have won their whole damn war and that would have toadally sucked!

Now, I'm the victor and eff each and every one of them!

I encourage you to reach out for help if you're seriously contemplating this!

Please don't do it!

If you do, there will be a hole in the Universe where you're supposed to be and that will be a very sad thing!

[Nammu]

Angry. Angry at those who saved me. Because I was hospitalized after ICU I had to pretend I was relieved so that I could get out and try again.

Then I was angry at myself for failing the second time. Don't really recall much of the second time. Angry and ashamed that I failed.

Since that time I've felt disappointed I didn't succeed and that life is punishing me by keeping me alive when I should have died. Doctors told me I was so lucky that I survived...it wasn't luck, luck would have been to die then, the first time.

[hopealwayz]

I felt disappointed when I woke up in the hospital.

[hopeless2015]

Traumatized and ashamed, guilty, sad

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Before: Desperate, sad, lonely, empty, and, like someone else said, inevitable

After: Numb, at first. Then desperate, angry, lonely. I had no support system. No one came to see me in the hospital; when I say I was alone, I am not exaggerating. And then I felt numb and dissociated again.

[LucyD]

After I did what I did to end it I woke up and my arms and legs were like concrete, they would not move, I could not move them, I could not move at all yet this little thought in my head said that I had to call 911. That is the last thing I remember and then I woke up in the hospital. I was glad to be alive. I had been drunk when I made the suicide attempt and the alcohol had depressed me real bad. Then I spent some time in the psyche ward. I have not felt that way since and it's been 6 years.

[ThisWayOut]

even though I was scared after I made the decsion to attempt it that evening, and even though I had told no one, nor had I actually made the attempt yet, I felt compelled to keep going. I was having second thoughts, but I felt like I had no other choice b/c I had made the decision in my head to try... It was the weirdest feeling... There was hope (that I would die and the pain would end), but there was also fear... And then there was waiting. My method of choice took a while to kick in. Then I remember waking up in the ICU. I was ok and laughing and chatting with the staff until the realization kicked in that I had failed and they saved my life. I was still high from the pills though, so the emotional pain didn't hit again right away.

[Yoda]

I had post-partum depression about a week after my son's birth. I think I was delusional; I believed that my purpose in life was to have my child and now that he was born my purpose was over and his father should raise him.

I called my ob-gyn and told him I was depressed and he said, everyone has that after childbirth, and told me to drink a beer. Seriously he told me that. About three days after that conversation I tried to overdose but I survived it.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Oy yay! I dont even know why i want to answer this.. i have a history of suicidal tendencies. I think a different times i have felt different ways and also in the timeframe directly after and through healing each one, tend to go thru a lrg range to thougts and emotions... The one thing that has been a common thread for me through out them is lack of reason/ confusion. I strongly believe that " why did you decide to kill ur self/ why did you want to die?" Should be questiobs BANNED from immediate crisis eval. I have,always answred the same and it tends not to go over well with ER drs... my reponse..."i honestly dont know." And or " I am confused, I didnt hurt myself!!" Drs. REALLY HATE this. Lol. But they are over worked, over tired and alot of the time just burnt-out in general. They think im just trying to be difficult and avoid hospitization..but that is not the case. What they dont understand is that they are basically somewhat shockingly so Informing me that I just survived an SA Of COURSE I WANT TO BE HOSPITALIZED!!! Duh!... I generally then get asked a bunch more questions and a few times have been read back whatever barely concious statement was reported by the emts. In those cases ive learned to just say "yeah sure that" or "i guess.."... The weirdest was a dr. who waked in woke me up abruptly and lead with that question! Still very out of it and barely aware i was in the er, my resinsr was " what?, excuse me?, I dont know. I dont feel well and i think i need to sleep. I dont wanna talk now."... He got IRATE! Stormed out the room loudly exclaiming, i cant deal with her! She is refusing to cooperate! Find someone else to take over. I am not wasting my time on that b.s.!! Wtf??!! I dtill wonder to this day if he was even actually a dr?? But honestly, overall i just feel lucky. And sometimes irate that i am not functional, have no direction, or usefulness, but apparently te powers that be just arent done with me yet..just really wish they would provide me with the why..

[Lost_in_the_woods]

OMG! Yoda! That is the WORST advice i have ever heard!! Really makes you wonder who is giving these ppl degrees and or liecenses to practice medication??!!

[Raindropvampire]

I felt like a complete failure because I couldn't do the simplest thing right. Then after the 7th attempt I just felt resigned. Plus I made peace with there probably is an afterlife and if there is there's no point trading one horrible life for another. I simply want not to exist in any form but as with so many many things this is just something else I'm too stupid to accomplish.

[Sanosukeskitten]

Alone, hated, scared out of my mind. I would up tying a robe tie around my neck, and laid down. In the end I started screaming for help. I was in a group home at the time and was put on suicide watch. I'm glad I survived this attempt, it was the only one, today I see what I wouldn't have had I let myself die.
Since this I've been able to graduate, get married, have a daughter, and I even wound up stopping my own best friend from killing herself multiple times, and now she's getting the help she needs and she's told me she's grateful I had the heart and mindset to stop her countless times, she never really knew how I was able until I told her I once tried.

[Cavegirl]

Utterly and completely defeated...

Why do you ask this question?

[sinking]

I'm asking because i already tried it twice and i'd like to try again but years have passed since the last time and it feels a little different now. much morte guilt for those whom remain.

[Gus1234U]

after my 3rd 'fail', i began having serious 'accidents' that caused concussions and unconsciousness. no one ever put 1 and 1 together. eventually, i began to realize that might be consequences to failure that would be worse than what i was trying to escape.

i continued to have sui-ideations for several decades, until finally a Dr. of Acupuncture did something, and they stopped. i went to quit smoking, thinking that any thing positive i could do would help. what i found out is that sui-ideation is an OCD brain disorder. when the thoughts stopped, life didn't improve all that much, but i looked for other ways to change it.

i hope everyone who is feeling driven to 'end it all' will find a way to just end the urges and thoughts about it.

may you have peace, and the causes of peace~

[tealBumblebee]

I felt scared. I wasn't in control so I called T and was kind of glad she "forced" me to go to the Emergency Room. I remember doing it and thinking "whatever - i'm just going to do it" and then when I realized what was happening being scared and repeating to myself "oh god, please dont let me die, please dont let me die, I have to get to the hospital as soon as possible!". When it was all over and well, I think it was a relief because my feelings were no longer a secret and I was receiving help. Never felt shame or regret (which one nurse said was like psychopathic or something like that not to feel remorse); but I did feel that about the thing that pushed me to finally do it.

[SvanThor]

Originally Posted by sinking

How did you feel? Scared? Powerful? Hopeless? What?

On some occasions I was thankful because I knew I probably didn't really want to die, other times I felt stupid because I could fail at such a thing. Takes a few "attempts" to realize that you really don't want to die in the first place, pretty much. If you want to die in this world, you can take yourself out like it's nothing. But sometimes, people don't know that they really do want to live.

[passionfruit3]

When i attempted i felt like a failure and more determined than ever to keep trying till i either got better or got suicide right

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