Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I think I've finally learnt my lesson. Now I just have to prove it and commit to doing the right thing. It's the only way to get through this..

Lately I've been having terrible Restless Leg and restless core and whole body. I'm just exhausted lately. I don't think I should take the tiz yet. For some reason I have a physical reaction from it that I never seemed to have before. It's just so creepy. My mind's eye sees the meat falling off the bone with the tiz hangovers i get. That's exactly how it feels.

So I really don't know what I should do. I'm surprised by how well I climbed the interior stairs on Tuesday.

ETA but I was terrified while I was doing it. I get so scared once I'm at the halfway point, knowing I'm stuck if I stop, or falter.

I don't think I can take much more of this. But I don't know what to do.

not feeling too bad.

even though the morning is extremely blurry

I'm having an off day. I'm frustrated with my own life, and with work. I can't seem to concentrate or think about things here, and I don't know how I'll get anything done today. It feels like there are dark clouds over everything and everyone, and nothing is going to work out right. I'm anxious and panicky about work, home, myself, my clients, my family, everything. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and I'm already starting to get a headache from holding it in.

I feel ok today. Took a couple klonopins last night, must have helped. Head is clearer, easier to think, etc....

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Down again.

My upper body is still hurting. I feel depressed that it has not gone away. Also my friend has been away this whole week. Much to my surprise, I seem to be doing OK without him. I just got a message from him asking me if I can pick he and his wife up at the airport this coming Saturday. I'll have to do it. The problem I have is that it's going to be at 11PM (not AM!). It's not that far from where I live. I feel like I owe it to him because, just recently, he gave me some much needed money for myself. It's not a loan, just a helpful gift. And I really needed it!

There are times when I feel like people really appreciate me because I go out for them. I get the feeling that if I couldn't go out for them, then they would not like me. It seems like I go all out for others but hardly anyone is going out for me.

I just don't understand how a person can be so mean to someone who's always been there.....

Why..

I feel like a terrible mother. I'm so irritable lately. I'm spiraling down.
He wants my attention, he wants to play with me, he just wants to be around me. And I feel like I'm failing. Like I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to talk to him. He deserves better than me.

Usually when I am depressed, I get sad, but lately I have been really irritated and angry and I'm wondering if it is a new form of depression.

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I'm feeling anxious for some reason. I have a lot of nervous energy. Want to get drunk but don't have access to alcohol right now which is frustrating. I want to cut too, not sure if I will give in to that urge or not.. Just agitated in general and can't seem to calm myself in a healthy way.

After 1 month in, I went out today

Three months to my big exam and I don't know what I am doing.
I just feel like I waste most of my time. It is not just a feeling, is the true. I have been waking up late every day. I try to set my biological clock to wake up early, but it is difficult to set, so, no study in the mornings.
I have had my mobile phone off for a while I can't have it on because I waste too much time on the Internet, there is always so much to read. But shooting down the outside world in order not to get distracted is really hard, specially now that the Olympics are on... I feel I can do better but on the other side I am so lazy. And when I try to get up earlier I can't do anything because I feel sleepy. And I have been sleeping so bad.

I left my old gym and now I go to a very very small place in my village. It has only a trainer who is there about an hour everyday. But is not worst this way it is like a mix between a class at a gym and a gym class at school.
It is a challenge for me, not on the physical stuff, the social part. I don't want people to see me as a shy weird person, specially because my profession demands me to be social and to leave my anxiety behind. I know I won't get rid of my social anxiety this summer, but I am looking at this experience as one more social training. I wonder if past me would be proud of my actual social skills, I wonder if she would spot some differences. I try to convince my self that high school me would never try these kind of things, instead she would try to avoid them. I am not sure how much I have evolved. I know that changing from one day to the other is impossible. And differently from the past I talk my bad thoughts back. They are still there, I just challenge them more.
The therapist I had never reached back to reschedule my appointment (at the public hospital), so I guess it's done. She wasn't a good fit for me anyway and it wasn't making any difference. When I start to work and having my own money I am thinking about paying for good therapist...

Came to the big city today, brought a soup for dinner, end up eating a lot of crappie food at McDonald's because I was feeling without any energy. Shame on me.

Why is it so difficult for me to cry?

Feeling unusually empty this morning. When I don't feel depressed, I always feel on the brink. Like I'm waiting until I feel it again

Headache, very sad, teary, tired, need to sleep but wound-up.

feeling down and ungreatful and un apreciative of life

despite this week going reasonably well (only 2 days with flashbacks, 1 afternoon of lost time) and stable mood, i'm still not satisfied with it

never am

i also just read about 2 more people planning to leave the site, and i hate that.

ugg

Planning on seeing my psychiatrist on Tuesday. Hopefully she can help me figure out whether what I have is depression or bipolar II. I'm leaning towards bipolar II given how my mood and sleep patterns have been. However, for the meantime I'm staying in the depression part of the site until I get a firm answer.

Can't do it anymore

Typical Saturday for me. Woke up early and did housecleaning & shopping. It's over with now and I feel a sense of a letdown. I'll be going on a bike ride fairly soon. I'll be going to the airport tonight to pick up my friend. So it's going to be a late night for me. I'm not crazy about having to do it, but I figure I owe it to him since he's helped me so many times. I wish that the flight arrival would be a little bit earlier.

Last night I tried to relax in the hot tub a where I live. A family of little kids had to come in and ruin it for me. Funny how trouble seems to find me when I'm in there, but good things never happen.

very frustrated w/ my mom right now. okay, so she is very clingy and manipulative. she's been smothering me emotionally ever since oct '14. so about two years. for the first several months i could understand it somewhat, as what happened then was terrible. so i just put up and shut up, let her cry on my shoulder and complain to me whenever she needed, although it was hard for me, because what happened hurt me too, but i had no one to lean on but myself.

however, it's been nearly two years now, and she refuses to move on or help herself in any way. she refused to leave the man who did this to her and who abused her emotionally and physically many months following the initial incident - now she can't, because she no longer has thousands in ssi money. she takes antidepressants but won't go to therapy. meanwhile i've watched the meds make her a different person, more forgetful, less attentive to the needs of others, more demanding of me... i've watched her health deteriorate, i've watched her worsen in her alcoholism. all while she continues to lean on me only way too much.

anymore i feel like she only wants me around to piss and moan. i could be anyone, as long as i'm patient enough to listen to her great tale of woe for the hundred thousandth time.

on the flipside - is she there for me when i have problems? not exactly. she'll let me whine, but she will make it abundantly clear through subtle ways how little attention is being paid to what i'm saying.

the reason i'm even typing this all out right now is because just an hour ago i was in the kitchen with her and my dad. she was already well on her way to being sloppy drunk by then. i had gotten a water bottle out of the fridge and was about to head back to my room when i saw her suddenly go quiet, lean on the stove and put her head in her hands. i asked her if she was okay, to which she replied "so... you're just going to leave me here all alone?" wtf?? my dad was sitting right there...

that was it. that's all it takes anymore to bring this out in me. this... reservoir of built-up resentment. (yes, i do resent my mother sometimes. call the cops.)

i'm not sure how much longer i can deal with this... she wants me to spend time with her so often, and if i don't want to do what she wants me to do it sets her off... the littlest damn thing sets her off anymore. she takes everything as a sign that people are against her. she's also taken some personal things out on me this past month or so. i remember sunday a couple weeks ago she was quite mean to me and hurt my feelings.

everyone keeps telling me to be patient with her, but what they don't understand is how long i've already been dealing with this and how much worse it's gotten over time, even though the situation itself has improved (she's no longer being abused daily, for one thing). i remember my sister telling me a year or so ago that my mom just wants an excuse to feel bad for herself.... i got offended at the time, because what happened was still pretty fresh, and i was having a difficult time and feeling rather bad for myself as well. i guess i took her criticism of our mom and convinced myself it was a criticism of me also. now i'm beginning to see things from her point of view. i've come to realize that my mother sees herself primarily as a victim, with a capital V.

what do you do when your mother is not the same woman who raised you?

i just need a mommy...

geez... sorry for the ramble everyone.

Rough day... Surprise.

Had therapy. Cried the whole hour....

When will this end
.

Tired, sore, cranky...I slept 6 hours last night which is good, but could probably sleep the day away to be honest