Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I'm in tears on the bus because of what happened last night and where I am going now.

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I'm a f-ing disaster of a human being.

I find myself repeating this to myself more and more. I'm having weird health symptoms, I'm so stagnant and bored and empty I can't take much more. I can't stop eating despite not being hungry and needing to save money but it's compulsive at this point and I'm furious with myself for it. I just keep thinking and dreaming and praying for change because I'm too paralyzed to move - I don't know if it's fear or apathy.

I can't even cry anymore. Good God, I want to, I feel like it would help, but I just can't. I haven't for months now, basically a record for me. I honestly feel like my emotions don't even work properly - my mom commented I'm almost too calm, and I agree. Sure, I can tolerate life better, but at this cost...?

Today has been OK for me. I'm not great-- but I'm OK. I have at least been able to keep a positive attitude through the day so that is a plus.

Some drama at work today because of no regular coffee. People were very upset because of that. Plenty of decaf (which is what I drink anyways), so that didn't bother me. People were thinking that I am the one who orders coffee and they were hounding me about it. I'm not the one who orders the coffee. The other person who I thought was responsible for the coffee was telling people that I'm the one who orders. I don't know why she was telling them that. Well anyways, it's all straightened out. At least it's being ordered now.

Went to the pool area tonight. It was terrible because it seemed like the chlorine was too much. I'm going to call the HOA about that. I'm sure they'll fix it. They have always been good about taking care of stuff like that.

My friend called tonight. He seemed lethargic and it was depressing me. It's usually not his style. And he had to cut out because someone needed to talk to his wife on the phone. And I did the laundry tonight and had a take out for dinner. It seemed like the take out didn't agree with me. There are no good take out places right near where I live which sucks.

mood is stable for now.

will probably be better though once i have my lion king delivered.

oh my god.. i litirally can't wait. i'm shaking in my seat with excitement

finally going to own my fave movie of all time on diamond edition

Yesterday I was realy annoyed.

I don't like my family (my mother's brothers and almost all my cousins from this side of the family).
This is not the case of thinking I am smarter than them (that in fact I think), but I can't stand their very limited view about the world and their certainty about them being the only ones that realy understand the world and who says otherwise being stupid.

They are realy dumb and almost all their conversations end up on something about spirituality. A big non sense mixing of different notions that don't belong to any religion and dispasing any different religion from the one they were brought on, even if what they say goes against they own, very loved, religion.

And the worst thing is that they think who doesn't believe what they do is the dumb one, and I, having much much broader knowledge than them, have to place my head down and pretend I agree with everything they say and that it is the true. It is not worth it to try to change their prespective or at least make them agree that there may me other perspectives out there that also should be respected, and may be, at least, as true as they are.

I know religion is a very polemic topic, but from what I see, people that say that have the same religion, have so random believes, very different from other people from the same religion. Religion has only brought me pain and sadness over the years, while restringing my and my believes and ideas. My family think they are very religious, but from my point of view, I just see dumb people, with any critical idea, going after every magic idea, and falling for every explanation of life if it envolves some mysticism. Even if it goes against what their religion is supose to believe.

What a mixture my family makes. If I was an outside viewer I would probalby laugh. But my mother has the same type of believes, as my mother's parents and my mother's brother's. So I am supose to have them and if I don't my soul is lost to the devil and all of them think I am in some sort of mortal sin. When it is only my choice!!!
This realy gets me angry.

It is like someone is trying to cutt off your thinking freedom while believing in some of the most random stupid ideas.

And when this family members start to mixing spirituality with health and mental health and possetions and people who talk with spirits and a lot of concepts some probably made up by them I go nuts.

Family meetings are the worst.
And it is not only in this matter that my familly members are dumb...they are dumb in general. No one seems to have the gift of empathy, to understand the others. My mother and a ridiculous aunt of mine are not in good terms. My grandmother was trying to explain to me that it was all the devils fault! Come on! I think it is their personalities that crash.
My grandmother talks bad about everyone to everyone, has some stupid demands, worship some sons while expect the others to do everything she wants. And without understandind she contributes to turn them against each other. In the end, blames the devil. (By the way I love my grandmother, she just has her faults, that she doesn't understant she has).

These feuds inside the family make my grandmother very said, and she thinks she is totaly innocent of them. For her, the best way to end them is to unite the family at some meal and maybe make a speech about god and some bring some prays in the midle. Family meetings are recipes for more disaster. And for me they are painful because I have to listen to my family ignorant ideas and stupid behaviours, and just smille and pretend I agree.

Just sit in the small table, in the small room, most of the times the kids table, because men sit in the main table. Women serve dinner, cook and clean. My auncles are loud people without any general culture, the family is too big, and everyone of them thinks he is the smartest person in the room.

One of my uncles loves to give health advice, and explain the different diseases... Maybe if I didn't know nothing it would be ok, but almost what he says is wrong. And still my grandmother believes him more than she believes me and my sister.

Help me (save me)

I'm so ****ing sick of everything today. I'm tired, I'm angry, I don't want to deal with anyone or anything. I hate the fact that I have to deal with work, I wish I didn't have so much **** to do today. Work started out OK but then I had a crappy group and just wanted to scream at them all for being loud obnoxious morons. I don't even want to be here anymore.

Is my life worth living, if I'm just going through the motions, if I'm only doing the bare minimum to survive, if nothing brings me any kind of lasting joy and nobody cares about me? ( & Please don't come flocking to me saying you do, I know better)

Feeling very guilty for having dumped my major meltdown yesterday on my long suffering husband. He has to put up with so much. I don't seem to be able to cope with even the tiniest problem without exploding. We had no water yet again yesterday due to workmen turning off some major valve down the road and by mistake, cut our water off .. I just 'lost it'. I was in the middle of being inspired for making a cake .. something that happens only occasionally in the last year. Well, the cake didn't get made and I went to bed .. sigh. Another day lost to my state of mind.

Frustrated and annoyed. My school's class scheduling system keeps screwing me over. Why would they cancel classes like that? Even if the number of students is just 1 less than your minimum limit (6), are you really going to cancel class for the people that actually need it? You remember by now that most people either forget to schedule class until after the exams are over! Ugh! I haven't hated a school since middle school, but at least with middle school, my money wasn't on the line. I'd scream my head off, but I live in an apartment complex. I guess I'll just have to drive somewhere and scream in the car when I get there.

Pretty slow day at work today. At least the coffee drama is over with. The coffee came. I don't know who had dropped the ball on that one. I think that whoever did should be terminated. Because I felt like I went though some humiliation through the whole thing and it should not have happened. It was never my responsibility to order coffee and the management had told me that it wasn't.

My friend was telling me that he notices that I have a belly that sticks out a little bit. I know I have been gaining weight. I really don't care for that. I don't know what went wrong. I had always exercised and watch what I eat.

I'm depressed, everyone around me is depressed, yet somehow I'm the one they all go to and I'm expected to juggle their depression with mine, but when I need someone I get **** all radio silence why don't I matter? I need companionship I need affection I can't fix everything I can't even comfort myself

(((((((hugs)))))

i feel you, that can really suck

oh if only i had 1 true friend in the world, huh?. justt 1. it would make things so much easier

Hi,
Thanks a lot for sharing. It is hard to realize how much we can be apart from our own family. Also, thinking by ourselves and going against mainstreaming thoughts bring us a lot of pain. But I think it is better the pain than being attached to non sense ideas. Respectfully, I think that the base of religion is fear

I feel the same

Nothing lasts anymore. Everything stops, everything goes away, everything ends. Always.

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I'm the worst.

I'm not currently suicidal, so don't take this the wrong way... But sometimes, I really want to leave this earth, and go... I don't know where. Just somewhere else, someplace kinder. I never did belong here.

Had a better day.

An OK day at work. Earlier in the week there was the coffee drama of not having any. That had been resolved. And today, we ran out of water for the water coolers. I ordered to get the water bottles yesterday and was told that it wouldn't come until Friday. When I called yesterday, there seemed to be enough water. But it suddenly ran out. People were asking me about it. I realized that I dropped the ball on that one and that made me feel bad. I called the bottle water company today and ask them if they could swing by and deliver at least a couple. But they didn't come.

Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I hope that tomorrow the water bottle company will arrive early. I really hate dealing with it. Other than that, it was an OK day.

I've felt that way a lot. Lately I haven't been feeling that way, but there may come a time when I will. I feel like I don't belong here on this earth as I feel like I'm not like everybody else.

There's a song that I like that describes how you feel (and me, too!). It's called "Any World That I'm Welcomed To" by Steely Dan. That song came out in the 1970s. If you don't care for the music, you could look up the lyrics. There are times when I feel like it's my theme song.

Trying to hang in there until next week gets here already. Nights are the worst right now with SI thoughts and SH urges. Feeling drained and that there's nothing worth fighting for.

I am getting nervous. I waste my time a lot and then I regret the time I could have used to study.
I didn't study anything today. I had stuff to do, important, and I had to use some time to do it anyway.
Then I end up at the mall with my sister and my youngest cousins to watch an animated movie.
I hang out with them, I packed a lot of stuff, because I am moving out of the apartment next to the faculty. And I also waited some hours in line looking at my colleagues and comparing my messy look with the look of the other girls, wearing lots of make up, expensive handbags, fancy outfits... I feel bad about myself and small in these situations. I wish I knew a way to not feel like this and validate myself. But I think I can't keep a conversation with these girls or that what I have to say won't ever be interesting to them.