Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

I should turn off and go to sleep.

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I'm glad for my new medicine, it is helping and I feel more relaxed, too. Still trying to find motivation to do things. Laundry is piled high, dust is collecting on everything, floors need washing. I will get to those things one thing at a time, I hope.

I can see the patterns of behavior happening and I watch myself following and I send a prayer for grace and love to just stop. it's okay, I'm okay and if I sit here and the world turns with out me, I can still feel the magic of the rain falling outside. "Everything will be turn out alright and if it is not working, it is not yet the end" to quote one of my favorite movies "Hotel Marigold." I phoned to say what dates I was coming home and my parents aren't picking up the phone. I left a message on their answering machine. Maybe when I travel thousands of miles, I will end up saying hello on their answering machine too. I'd better practice my "hellos."

I downloaded a journal app on my phone to try to force me to write out my thoughts.

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I could barely get up this morning - I was practically weighted to the bed until noon, then came close to rumination earlier today. Poking around a an old site that feels like walking back into a haunted house isn't helping....

I"m gonna need to calm down after this.

stooooop yelling pls i am stressed tf out

this day has been fun so far

only... i don't know how many hours to go!

I went to visit with my friend briefly today. I had to go over to his place. I'm
not crazy about having to go to his place. But I feel like it's only fair since he comes to my place at times. And it's a sacrifice for him to come to my place. It seemed like I didn't have a real great time with him today. I did tell him that I will not be going to the church tomorrow. He seemed OK with it.

Nothing much planned for tonight as usual.

A couple of support groups I went to this week were a lot less helpful because someone there always tries to dominate the discussion and keep the focus on her. She goes on and on, bragging about what she's accomplished that day or that week and wants us to tell her she's wonderful for it. In one of the groups, someone finally said something about it to her and she backed off, but she was right back at it in the next group, and completely changed the topic we were supposed to be discussing as it didn't afford her any opportunity to keep the focus on her.

I wanted to say something, but held back as I was worried I wouldn't be able to say it constructively. It was hard to listen to the discussion and, at the same time, formulate what to say to this woman, feeling confidant I didn't say anything in an irritated or abrupt manner. (I can be too direct sometimes.)

This kind of thing makes me feel like my own growth is being held back. I think it's a little triggering, too, because my mother was like this woman--everything was always about her.

Anyway, at least I didn't blow my stack from triggers and frustration.

-Ceara1010

i am in the shittiest drunken mood right now but i still gotta laugh at the absurdity of my life right now.

That was not a smart book choice after all.

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i'm beginning to sober up and i don't like it.

New Video For World Benzodiazepine Awareness Day

Hi every one I've been going through a manic phase for about three months i stoped takeing my medication for 2 months and have been back on it for 1 month medication doesn't. seem to help i have sleep issues increaced sex drive creativity impulsive problems and i can't stop talking and working out curious to hear some feed back

Hi, welcome!

Well, it sounds exactly what it is, my doctor used to tell me that medication takes time to kick in, then again, if you look around in this place(PC), going on/off meds seems to work rather quickly. The important thing is that you can manage your life, all I can say is please take your time to look around, and I like your username.

Please try to stay safe, as far as online support goes, this is like none other, you've landed on the right spot in this interweb universe.

not been doing great, but in the months of my absence from PC i had more good days than bad days, so maybe that's a good thing?

he won't message me back. i'm getting discouraged.

Hello again, everyone.

I had my usual Saturday evening get together with my sister and am pleased to report that I didn't even once have to raise my voice and practically shout "Let me talk!" I don't think she even interrupted me very much, or twist my words around so she could start an argument.

This is the first time in 2 years of Saturday evenings that this has happened. I'm somewhat amazed. She isn’t necessarily listening much better, but she’s definitely reigning in her need to dominate the conversation.

So, it looks like my repeated pushing her to let my voice be heard is paying off. (It was timely, too, because one of the TV show episodes we watched last night had a running theme about one of the main character's not letting other people talk.) I hope things keep progressing like this as I think I can say that last night was the first I’ve spent with her that was pleasant throughout, and I didn't go home frustrated.

She even asked me how I’m doing early in the evening and I don’t think she’s ever asked me this in my entire life.

Tonight, the whole family gets together, as is usual on Sunday evenings, so we’ll see if these developments continue.

--Ceara1010

Feeling tired and angry, I keep snapping or am easily overwhelmed and generally annoyed or exhausted by everything and everyone around me to stupid degrees this past fortnight. I just want to hide in my room and never come out. Pity life won't allow that!

I woke up this morning feeling very bad. I had a dream before I woke up that I was back in the past with my father and brother. I dreamt that my father was being abusive to my brother. It really was like that in the past. For some reason I never knew why my parents had something against my brother. My brother never turned out very good. And my brother had recently passed away. I think that he was in a lot of emotional pain for most of his life. So the dream brought all of that perspective to me.

Other than that, I went to the church that I was thinking of leaving. I had another church in mind, but I wasn't clear on when they start. I used to go to that church many years ago. I left there because I didn't like the way it had changed. But I thought that if I went back this time, it might change for the better. Well, there's always next Sunday.

I had my friend come over to my place for lunch. And then we talked for a bit. It was a pretty good time. It seemed like it didn't start off great at first. I guess he feels OK about me trying another church for myself. Also, at the reception area following the sermon, he seemed to be doing well talking to other people while the others ignored me.

It's back to work tomorrow. For the first time in ten years since I've worked there, I feel like I am dreading it. I never thought that it could come down to that.

Can't sleep...again. So I'm working my way through my disney collection.. Time for the lion king now!

I should be hiding, but I'm actually okay. I am not even thinking of calling out of work tomorrow.

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I had a bad morning...especially with the news of what happened in Orlando. Then I had to drive 5 hours Back home. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. It's making me nervous about going to work in the morning.

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ugh. petty rant time. okay - i hate how i can be feeling somewhat good about the way i look and can even feel a little cute. but then i see a picture of this beautiful girl - not even a model, but just a stunningly beautiful girl, and i'm reminded like a slap in the face.. that i'm a plain *** ugly ***** and nothing - no strategic clothing/makeup, no good lighting nor angles - will ever change that. sigh. okay, so maybe i'm not dog-ugly. so what? i'm not pretty either. i'm just plain, average, unremarkable. at least if i were hideous i'd stand out and people would remember me. i feel like i'm invisible, especially to men. it just gets me down because all i want is to be loved or at the very least paid attention to every now and then so i know i exist to others as much as i do to myself.

I don't want to be at work again today. I'm still feeling this overwhelming hopelessness, and I just don't want to be here anymore. I'm going to call around this afternoon to get an appointment with a new counselor. I just don't think it's right to leave every appointment crying, especially when lately I spend most of my appointments crying anyway. I'm just anxious to call, because I don't want to have to wait too long to get in. I just want someone to give me something that will help soon.

I called out sick to work because my depression was just to heavy when I woke up. I was just too exhausted. Now I'm feeling silly for not getting up and doing the work to get ready for work. I hate depression.

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