Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Hi everyone. I'm a bit annoyed after having been on another forum where they find it fun to criticize the USA all the time. I am plain tired of it. I'm glad there is such a thing as the ignore feature. I had to put a few people on it. I really don't like having arguments with people. I hope you all have a good day.

I wish I had had the guts to call out. Work has been one of my biggest culprits. Hopefully I get approved for the vacation time I requested.

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one day i'll love myself, but that day's not today.

if you're busy at work and don't have time to respond to my messages then why are you reblogging random **** at the same time smdh

Missing the people who left

Each day, a little better......

Last night was our usual Sunday night family dinner and a movie/TV show. There were no problems. My sister did most of the talking, which isn't unusual, but I don't mind it on Sunday's because for the rest of the week, when I eat with my folks, no one says a word.

I moved in with my folks after I lived for 1 1/2 years in a residential community for people with MI. I wanted to move back into my condo, but my T and my family thought I should start at my folks place, first. I don't know why they thought it was a good idea, because I'm more isolated here as my parents stay in their own parts of the house all day, say nothing at dinner which lasts about 15 minutes, then go back to their own parts of the house. There is really nothing that goes on here that helps me transition.

Last night, we started watching a fun A&E series of television movies about life aboard British naval ships in the 1800s, called Horatio Hornblower. It's a lot like Master and Commander, and ran on A&E from 1998 to 2003. I love this kind of stuff, so I really enjoyed it. There's eight movies, so it will take a while to get through the entire series.

It can be very difficult for us to come up with something to watch as my folks are so non-communicative. Even if we watch something they enjoy, they won't say anything. My mother has become uncommunicative because she has dementia, but my father thinks he doesn't have to make an effort to be social with family. He only makes an effort with his friends and acquaintances. (This doesn't help me transiton either.)

--Ceara1010

Thank you reddit for reopening the philosophical can of worms I thought I laid to rest. There's nothing worth worrying about here, but I can feel the anxiety. I hurt enough; I've been hurting today. The drugs aren't quite enough - I'm constantly nervous, even though some of these are issues I already worked out with others. I can feel it in my body and I hate it. I can't trust myself - my reactions are so different, I feel like a freak...

my body makes me worthless. i would be a worthwhile person if not for this hideous meatsuit.

Still feeling sick of life, trying to remember that other people have things worse, although that doesn't really make life any better. Decided to go ahead and take the higher dose of meds prescribed but I don't want to, because coming off of them someday will be hellish.

Doing what I can but I've run out of ideas of how to be a better mom. We started counseling together but he's not at all interested in it, at least he has to go for now and I hope we get something out of it. I want to believe that someday he's going to be a good responsible adult, that is all that I have left that I really worry about.

I had a fairly good weekend with my bf, seems he has heard me lately and is showing that he wants this to work. I still have anxiety about us, things I can't even mention here. I knew a relationship wouldn't solve things or be the reason I'd get out of this depression, but I also still feel like something big is missing in this. I just can't figure out what it is.

I'm also missing people that left here, but, I hope they are doing well and that's all I can do. Take care everyone as best you can.

i blocked him, then unblocked him and was ready to apologize only to discover that he blocked me.

i'm done. i give up in even trying to get validation. no one else will give it to me and i can't give it to myself. **** me, right? i'll just continue to exist as a non-existant unacknowledged person.

Today was a good day but right now I feel a little sick. Like slurped and burped and my head wants to cry. I forgot that some of my... well friends because they invite to parties some months and they treat me very well, helped a guy move out and I said I would help, but I was so preocuppied with my work, with my anxiety, with my teaching and the exam for the National Examination and my bank account that I forgot. I asked a friend, a person whom I known for 8 years but that right now I feel have nothing in common and whom I haven't seen or spoke in around 4 weeks, about today moving. I got a group of what's and I didn't remember.

I saw it around 7pm after my swimming class and I feel awful, more because I feel like I'm getting alone again. That I'm throwing away this people who are my only connection to socialization because I'm "busy" and that made me feel sick. That I try to communicate with my friend but he always left me hanging in Face and seems that our times never concurr. That I'm not doing my duty in trying to mantain this friendship when I'm the one alone in need and he has so many groups, friends and girlfriend.

I feel alone. And the fact that I don't realize it scares me. I was completely alone in my other city for over 8 years and I know that it's unhealthy. that can hurt me and destroy so many changes. And I went to a party the other month but all of may and june not a single word to anybody else.

What's wrong with me? How do they manage to have work, life and still party? How can... gods I feel tired and sad. I feel so unwelcome and want to cry even when... I don't want to cry, I dont' want to ruin today but I feel almost sick.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to go out, how to "make connections" or find somebody with my interests. I think I don't even know my interests and beside reading or hearing books, I sufr tumblr and 9gag and who does that in Mexico? I feel so unworthy and alone with only my brother upstairs whom I don't speak and my mother deciding to pass another three days out.

I... want to go to sleep. Yet I know that tomorrow morning is when my pains flare out, with my anxiety. So right now I have my depression and tomorrow I can get my terror and guilt and shame.

I... dint' think that today was going to be this way. I thought that after swimming I was going to be ok. I can't talk to anybody about this because I don't want to sour my mother travel and I don't want to bother my therapist.

Haaa

i really am alone.

Up nefore my alarm. Coffee and breakfast.

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OMG, total freak out today. First of all, I called out sick yesterday because I was just too depressed to work and my meds had made me very sloth-like in the morning...anyways...After I got to work this morning, and had been running late and feeling like **** still, I got a notification from my bank that I was below my balance...So I had to go through all these phone calls with my bank to find out that a levy had been put on my account because I hadn't paid taxes to the State of Wisconsin back from when I won a trip to go there a few years ago. Fortunately, I can afford it, everything is going to be fine...but it was scary as FFFF for a minute there. So now I'm quite wound up and ready to cry just because this whole mess.

It's my own fault, I know, no one needs to point that out, but this is what depression does to you. Makes you incapable of even taking care of your own bills. Maybe I shoulda let my dad become the conservator of my accounts...No, I know I was right in not doing that, but definitely I need to take my control over my finances... Sheesh.

So now I'm definitely awake. Anyone else?

Seesaw

My wife said something to me this morning that wasn't even a big deal, and now I'm feeling completely worthless. I don't know if I took it the wrong way or what, but it was really triggering.

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I don't want to be at work again. I don't want to have to deal with all the **** going on here. I don't want to meet with any of my clients (thankfully one rescheduled already). I don't want to think about the audit we have next month, and how much of a ****ing mess it's going to be. I just don't want to be anymore. I feel sick, like actually nauseous, and I don't know why. It's probably because I'm so damn depressed. It's only 11, and I've been up since 5, and I still have 9 hours left at work. I didn't sleep well last night, and I still have the whole day to go.

I've been taking a great big step (yesterday and today) and have finally posted about what happened to me that sent me into the severe case of PTSD and depression that has left me disabled. (I posted my story over in two other threads in the PTSD forum.)

I've actually had many traumatic experiences throughout my life, going as far back as when I was a toddler. Despite this, I remained largely functional, and after some stumbles, achieved a relatively good quality of life and was financially independent. But what began to happen to me years ago (being stalked) during the time I was trying to change careers, ultimately left me with such severe PTSD, I am now barely even functional.



What gave me the courage to post the whole story, yesterday and today, was that another member posted in the PTSD forum about a similar experience. I was amazed because I'd never heard of anyone else experiencing this very particular type of abuse, even though I've read lots of books and articles about stalking. (There's countless ways someone can stalk and harass you, and I'd never read anything quite like what I have experienced.) Moreover, this woman is also not being believed by those around her. And boy can I relate to that!

Anyway, that's my story about starting to tell my story. I'm sure I'll remain skittish about opening up about this for a very long time, perhaps always. But this is a beginning. Baby steps.....

Hang in there, everybody.

--Ceara1010

Today was another slow day at work. It drives me nuts. A real "nothing much to report about" kind of day for me.

My friend called me tonight, like he does almost every night. We had a disagreement about a current event issue; and it seemed like he wanted to cut our conversation short. I wanted to "agree to disagree" but I got the feeling he got disgusted that I didn't feel the same way. He's pretty liberal and I'm conservative. Sometimes I wonder what do we see in each other. I guess I like him a lot because he's all that I got.

My computer is running very funky tonight. So another little thing going wrong. You'd think that I should be used to having to deal with things going wrong by now!

Found out today that I will probably lose my job. I let my depression go without treatment because I was in denial thinking I was better. Major setback the last couple of weeks. I feel awful today. Please someone make it stop!

wil.. computer issues suck

when that happens to me- i so want to slash the keyboard and throw the whole system out the window (slow internet is the worst)

So the pdoc at the clinic (or the pcp?) finally decided to refill my prozac. It was a week they let me go without it. Not sure if I should keep taking it now. I'm only just withdrawing from it.

The man from the pharmacy is coming by with the prozac this afternoon. But I still have to go to the clinic on Friday for the gabapentin. I know from experience I do not want to go through withdrawals from that.

The issue remains whether I can manage the stairs. If I can't deal with the stairs, it's likely they will commit me again to a psych ward or even a different hospital. I'm very upset and worried. I wish this hadn't happened. I'm not sure what to do.

I forgot my meds today and have been strangely fine - I've literally gone from wandering around zombified and so anxious and ruminative I could barely function, to being a giggly, mad idiot whose imagination keeps her effortlessly entertained and calm. It feels a little dirty after so many weeks of heavy thought. I'm going to resume tomorrow, but still - I've had this uptick in creativity the likes of which I've been waiting for for months.

I hurt and I hurt and I hurt. I am lost and don't have a dream I am trying to find. I am existing and my thoughts slip away from me. I used to dream about spending my life with my husband and with my kids visiting. I used to dream about my parents treating me as nicely as they do the postman. I used to dream about writing a novel and getting it published. I still have that, but it seems as dry as putting my heart in to words on paper. I am meeting people but they will never be the very blood that makes my heart beat, they are just people. Is this how you have calm life, full of people with my feelings put in to words, and essays with those words written. I guess there would be nothing to fear because nothing gets really close.

Why will they commit you if you do not want?

Thank you for asking. If they want to, I'm sure they will. They could say I can't do basic things (like the stairs) and commit me in order to experiment with different drugs. I would hope they don't though. When I spoke to someone there on the phone last week I told her I developed a phobia of the stairs. They gave me this past week and told me to practise or keep trying the stairs.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. I really have to be able to take the stairs for getting my mail at least. I didn't practise like I was told to, last week. I'm not sure how to practise with my legs locked, and made of jelly.