Daily Check In, ups and downs #18

Does this story help? Bathmophobia: Mother Louise Wilson conquers 38-year fear of stairs | Daily Mail Online
Maybe try hypnosis?

I think to practice it would be better to have a support person

It's a thought, thank you, but I didn't have much luck when I was trying to find a hypnotist 13 years ago. They all cost a fortune. Plus, I wouldn't be able to go see anyone.

I've been thinking I can get down the stairs sitting down, but how will I get back up? This is a terrible situation. I can't get back up the same way because I'll have to get up off the floor, which is extremely hard for me.

Yes. I was able to walk down the stairs three weeks ago with someone else in front of me. If someone were behind me, I'm pretty sure I could walk up the steps. I just don't know how I'll do this on my own. Unfortunately I keep getting shaky with vertigo at the landing when I'm looking down or up.

I had a good day, felt down this morning esp thinking of the up coming weekend where my husband will be working all day, every day but I'm okay now. Going to try to make the most of the quiet weekend.

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When people take away the little bit I had, HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL???

For now i`m good,i watched a really good movie about depression and now i have to get ready for work.. i wonder if i`m the only one here who has to make up discussions in my head for when i go to work..maybe it`s just anxiety,tho anyway,the morning was nice for now.

I feel so detached from the world. I haven't left my apartment since I came home sick Wednesday afternoon, and I don't know what's going on in the outside world. I can't hold on to the memory of what day it is, there were several times yesterday when I had to argue it out loud to remember that it was still Thursday.

I hate myself for taking time off work this week. I've been taking so much time off the past few months for my depression and anxiety. Some of the dynamics at work have changed, and I feel on edge most of the time when I'm there. It's all my own insecurities, but my anxiety makes it feel so real. I worry so much about my performance that I'm spending more and more time stressing out over everything.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I need someone to listen to me and to see how badly I'm doing. It's so frustrating.

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Listening to people talk about work and how people should be supporting themselves made me feel like such a failure.
I hate myself.
Then i get criticized for wearing leggings by my bf which makes me feel way worse than it should.
Im so weak. I can't handle anything slightly stressful or critical.
I hate myself

I went for a walk in town today, and last night my husband and I went pout to dinner and a movie. Going out helped me.

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it's not getting worse, but it's not necessarily getting better either, and that's what trips me up. i think i'm making progress but it turns out being an illusion.

never mind, it is getting worse. worse and worse, as the day goes on.

i still have trouble believing it's back to this. to being alone. i've come to terms with it but i don't like it at all. this is the life i swore i'd kill myself before returning to. the loneliest of existences. being unloved and unwanted by all, and the ones who say they love you are always lying. god**** it i thought i had it all. i had the best thing ever. 4 months of happiness... just gone. is that all i'm going to get, 4 ****ing months? will i never have love again?? it feels that way. i feel peculiar in a way i do not like, and it's been getting worse throughout the day. it feels like everything is wrong, i can't escape it, can't distract myself as everything looks unappealing and dreadfully bleak, and there's nothing at all to look forward to. no hope. oh god. i need someone to be here and hold me, physically, but there is no one to do that. there is never anyone to hold me when i need it. i need someone to physically be there, hold me and let me cry and maybe even bring me something nice and soft like a kitten or something like a cup of tea or chocolates, anything comforting. i desperately need to be comforted. that's all i need, or even want for that matter. but there's no one. no one. no one, for the rest of my life. it's all i need. i know there's always the lovely people on pc, and i appreciate everyone here, but it's not enough anymore. i'm sorry.

I'm feeling anger at my last T who so totally misdiagnosed me. I took that really long, in depth-quiz that evaluates you for traits of different MIs, and it showed that I didn't possess a single trait of the MI she said I had. Not one.

Today I was remembering how she never asked me any questions about my history, or any behavior patterns, or how I felt, or what I was thinking, so that she could get useful information to help her get an accurate diagnosis. Instead, she diagnosed me base on one, obscure thing she observed.

But because she misdiagnosed me, she never treated me appropriately, and in fact, made me a whole lot worse. I was a lot more functional before I began with her than I am now. This is really, really discouraging.

Of course, it just now occurred to me, as I'm typing this, that my feeling this anger is a big step forward. When I first got to PC I was totally numb. I've been here a month now, working every day, posting every day. Maybe this is why I'm starting to feel something again. I sure hope so.

--Ceara1010

Another week has come to an end. It seemed like it was a very slow and draggy week. Tomorrow I'll do my usual stuff. For some strange reason, I find that doing my domestic stuff like I always do on Saturdays to be comforting. I guess I'm weird (and wired) that way!

It's going to be hot this weekend and for some days afterwards. Plus the longer daylight! I really hate it. Please bring back winter!

Angry, angry, angry. My T , my very own T, violated me so badly I will never recover.

It is beyond me how he could be so cruel. I treated him like royalty and he _______all over me.

This is what I get for being a good person.

I'm happy I'm feeling better than yesterday. One day full of crying maybe helped. Now listening to rain and thunder and feeling calm.

Down of today is that i'm scared for atm I have none to talk to in case i get a breakdown. Psychiatric nurse I used to talk to since last summer will be available next time in fall.

I'm feeling like I'm in limbo.

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i am wondering what i'm doing with my life.

did nothing today- got nothing done. sat here and binged on food

okay, so their's nothing i need to do (not sure if that's a good or bad thing), but still.. another day just gone to waste thinking about my stomach

I got amnesia from the Tizanidine and there were a few things which were conspicuously different. This is the freaky side of Tizanidine.

A few weeks ago when I woke up one morning, both of my daily phones were stacked together on the floor. There is no way I would have put my phones on this filthy floor.

And now, something new happened which I can't fathom. It falls under the TMI rule, so I can't/won't say what it is.

This is why tizanidine is freaky. I wonder if it's worse than Ambien.

I am here, I am fighting, I will be fine soon.

I feel useless, my doctor gave me a prescription for some pills,but i don`t know if i should take them-sometimes i feel good,like nothing`s wrong,but other times i just wanna end it all..idk,maybe i should talk to her and explain things in depth..i really don`t know what i should be doing

i slept way too late, until 1pm. i don't know how tf i managed it. i wasn't even particularly tired last night. i don't know how i slept 12 hrs other than it was depression's doing.

i'm still depressed but not as bad as yesterday. i have something to drink. that always helps.

i'm just tired of the loneliness. i know sitting in my house alone doesn't help things. i just have no energy to do anything else, and i know no one would want to spend time with me anyway just because of how i am and what i look like.

my head is not even all-there right now. so sorry if this makes no sense.

about to drink on an empty stomach, wish me luck.

Hey, ennui. Have you had your thyroid tested? That might be why you feel so exhausted.

no, i've never had it tested. i'm not sure how that kind of thing works.

i do know, however, that i'm far more likely to sleep in during a depression which i'm in now.

thanks for the suggestion!

(sorry for any possible typos, i'm quite buzzed)

It's a blood test. They will test, mainly, your Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, and T3 and T4 counts.

I'm not sure how likely it is, given that you're still so young, but if you go to a doctor and ask for it, I'm sure they'd do it with the symptoms you have.