Depression and Relationships

I would like to ask a question to all of you guys, and it would be great if we could start a discussion bringing our own experiences forward.

Like many here I have been suffering from clinical depression for a long time, and like many here I have seen many of my relationships, whether friendships or romantic, being crushed into pieces because of my condition.

After my latest breakup, a few months ago now, I have developed a sort of fear of engaging in any sort of relationship outside family or professional circles. On one hand, I feel I have to protect myself from the hardships of an often dysfunctional relationship, and on the other hand I feel I have to protect my potential partner from my condition, with the result that I stopped looking for a partner or even new friends and I realize I have become progressively isolated.

Sometimes loneliness is hard, but on the other hand I don't want to risk ruining another relationship because of depression, so I feel it almost as a duty to refrain.

I would appreciate it if you could share advice and some of your experiences here.

Im sorry you feel so very isolated! I really feel for you! I'm afraid I have no real answers.

Maybe someone else has more ideas????

Sending hugs and care as best I can.

grouphug:

Thanks Fizzyo, I appreciate the intentions

i am the same all my friends i am only 18 but have been depressed for more than half my life anyway all my friends are looking into dating and stuff and i feel like i cant be a part of that because i dont want to burden anyone with my own issues. i deliberately dont look for relationships even though sometimes i feel like i want one i know it would end badly at this point.

I totally understand your feelings. And unfortunately age is not a factor, because depression doesn't discriminate between old and young.

But what about friendships? Can you make friends with people or has this also become a problem?

Sometimes I think our condition is also a reflection of the people around us, so maybe we haven't got people who were supportive and understanding enough.

i am able to make friends keeping them is a lot harder thankfully i have some good friends who are quite supportive actually 3 of them are doing psychology degrees right now i dont have a large group though. but i do think when it comes to friends it does have to be the right kind of people i have had my fair share of disappointments with the wrong people though.

I. Feel the problem is people change and leave to get on with there own lives who has time to make friends after high school.and I'm not in school or work so the way I meet people is limited.so I understand isolating to protect yourself some people like me just.don't get that option

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I am the happiest when the relationship I have with MYSELF is ok....I tend to mistreat myself...I feel very alone when I don't like me

QUOTE=little turtle]I am the happiest when the relationship I have with MYSELF is ok....I tend to mistreat myself...I feel very alone when I don't like me[/QUOTE]

It can be very hard on relationships to have depression. There is a desire to isolate or withdraw that leaves the other person feeling rejected. There are a lot of missed opportunities because you are having a bad time and can't just do certain things because it takes too much effort.

I don't think depression is a reason not to look for relationships if you want them. Being that you are in a mental place to deal with a relationship. (I. E. Your not a danger to yourself or others).

Depression is a real illness. There are people that are out there and understand what it is like.

For me loneliness amplifies my depression. Even though I have a hard time getting supporting sharing with my S. O. I don't want to not be in a relationship and I know she doesn't want me to go away or leave because I feel sad or depressed.

Just because you are depressed doesn't mean you don't deserve to be loved. If you want someone in your life you shouldn't stop looking just because you are depressed. Take a look at your life and illness and decide if you are in a state where you want to try and are able to handle a relationship.

depression is a real illness...yes...
depression can be an awful illness...
I think life can be very very difficult/hard/impossible /awful
I think relationships are vital to the handling of depression and life..
the most important one is how you get along with you...

Thank you for your comment, your optimism is admirable.

Do you think it is worth trying even though you know you could hardly enjoy the relationship? Personally I couldn't live with myself thinking I am the cause of somebody else's unhappiness.

We can't predict the future. We won't know what we will enjoy until we experience it. We can assume but somethings are worth experiencing rather than assuming what it is like and passing up on the opportunity.

Your second comment I find myself struggling with a lot. Rationally we shouldn't be the cause or source of anyone elses happiness or sadness (provided we are not harming that person). We exist and develop relationship because it feels good. We want to bond with people and feel part of a group. I think the majority of people that survived evolution has this quality.

I think in a healthy relationship your partner can bring joy to your life but that doesn't mean that your partner is responsible for your happiness. I think for things to work in a relationship you have to have boundaries and understanding.

In my marriage one of the boundaries is my depression. I wish it wasn't the case but my wife cannot cope when I let out all of the depressing and pain that I'm going through. I wish it wasn't there but it's a boundary. I try to get support from other places. I have to respect it and I try not to overwhel her. We love each other and our child. I struggle be living it but we have fulfilling lives.

Being open with your partner is something that should happened. Even if they can't be there or understand it is good to have that honesty. Your results may differ in your relationship. I wouldn't worry about making someone sad. Lots of things in life happen that make you sad or happy. I think if you found the right relationship you won't have to worry about this. You have an illness and it isn't anyone fault. As long as your partner is understanding and doesn't feel like she/he has to fix it then I think it is healthy. I'm sure you have a lot of good qualities and you may make someone else very happy to have you in their life.

I have a friend with depression. She struggled a long time. Her illness didn't prevent her from having a family, finding love and making a lot of good memories. She struggles, but that doesn't mean that she should be alone.

If you want a relationship be open to the idea. Don't let your depression prevent you. The more I get alone and isolate the worse my depression gets. You deserve to be cared about and there are people out there that would be happy to have you in their life. You just have to be willing to look and take chances.

I was thinking of posting almost exactly that, first paragraph..

As for the rest, I'm a bruin and proud of it (ie my paws won't let me type much lmfao )

i am going to pay more attention to my thoughts....compassion is needed for myself... done by me..for me...

I was diagnosed with chronic major depressive disorder. I am sure depression runs in my family (suicides of very close relatives). I am 50 and have done a lot of living. I was not diagnosed until a few years ago. My depressive episodes were triggered by my very difficult relationships with my mother and husband.

That being said:
I have always had inseparable best friends. They tend to be quirky, misfit people. I like and amuse myself. My sense of humor guides me. I have always had dates, boyfriends, a man in my life since I was 16. I have had best friends lose contact with me because we moved away. I have had on again/off again friends and lovers.

This last year, I went through a depressive crash and isolated myself from people. I watched a lot of TV! But now I've bounced back.

I have made new great friends in my adult life. Thanks to Facebook, I have reconnected and kept friends from childhood.

I am a fun, adventurous person. I love living. People are drawn to me. I am a community leader.

There is also a very dysfunction, dark underlying illness within me. I know it. I am aware of it and understand it. It might have been caused by some bad things that happened to me and/or by hereditary. I try my best to cope and control my choices.

This forum helps. Taking Cymbalta helps. Studying psychology and reading articles posted online PsychCentral helps. Talking to therapists has not helped me. I did not have good experiences and I can't handle spending the money on myself that it would take to get help. I am too cynical to trust them. I have had such bad experiences with them. I am doing better helping myself now.

First off, do your best to love yourself and accept who you are, unconditionally. Therapy can help a lot towards this goal.

Second, being in a relationship is definitely possible for you. You need someone that accepts you for who you are - including your illness.

My partner and I both have bipolar disorder and we often get depressed and usually not at the same time. We simply love each other unconditionally and know that we have each other and brighter days are ahead.

Take care xo

I was seeing someone (who I've known for a while) recently who I believe has depression (even though he never told me). He withdrew, and stupid me took it personally, and ended up looking needy as I basically asked if he was still into me. It didn't go over too well, and now I feel really bad. I want to be there for him, but I feel like he just sees me as a burden or an extra chore. He's ignoring me now and it just makes me really sad. I don't want to lose him just like that, because he's very special to me. Does anybody have any suggestions or thoughts/comments?

Maybe you could take a different approach. He may have withdrawn and felt guilty and then pushed you away.

Maybe you could tell him how you feel. Not looking for anything in return but just some honesty about how you feel. When I depressed I send mixed signals. I push people away but really just want to feel wanted and cared about.

I feel like he already thinks I'm needy for sending him extra texts when he wasn't responding, and was feeling overwhelmed that he felt like he needed to respond to me. How do you suggest I go about this? I don't want to drive him even further away or make him hate me (if he doesn't already), but I do care a lot about him and it makes me sad to see him so sad.

Yes, I am there myself. I am extremely anxious and reluctant at the thought of trying to connect to anyone in a personal way anymore. I can't talk about any of this anyway, and like you I am becoming more and more isolated.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, just experiences. I can say that depression and other mental health issues are simply not accepted by most people. At least when we're alone we can be more like ourselves. I don't know about you, but I have found that I cannot be my true self with anyone.

So if you had to advise younger people with depression as of the best ways to keep their issue under control and have a decent functional normal life, what would you tell them?

Social stigma surrounding depression and other mental conditions is still too high, whether we are in America, Europe, or-worse- in Asia. I have become, perhaps unconsciously, very good at dissimulating my condition to the people around me, with the result that I started to lack the motivation to get out of it. In my experience, disclosing this condition to your friends or family sorts no effect whatsoever, it only adds to your disappointment and isolation, when you realize that nobody could care anything about how you feel, let alone doing something to help or support.

Maybe I am not in the best position to give you advice about the best course of action, but I can tell you one thing, he is very lucky because you care. Most of the people with our disorder are not so lucky.

Thank you for your inspiring comment. Perhaps one of the key issues is that I haven't met anybody who really accepts me as I am. And certainly I don't accept myself either.