[sidony]

I can't keep it together. I feel like I'm really falling apart. I'm not typically prone to depression (and have never been on meds for it), but it just seems like so many rotten things have happened:

I got laid off at work. From a job I loved. My ex-lover of five years is seeing someone new. I can't be around my old friends because I might run into him, hear about him, or in general be reminded of when I was with him.

No one's calling me about new work though I've sent out resumes. I have good work experience (was a good worker and well liked), but I don't have the educational background that some folks have and that might cause me not to be considered for some jobs. It's depressing to keep sending my resume into a black hole.

I'm having trouble talking in therapy because I'm so frikkin' down. I'm also in group therapy which depresses the hell out of me because I've never been able to connect to the other people in my group. I keep going because T wanted me there and thinks it will ultimately help me, but 6 months in I'm even more shy of talking than I was initially. I don't know why I'm so anxious, but I leave there depressed every week.

Today in therapy I just wanted to scream "I hurt!" I communicated the sentiment but didn't do any actual screaming. I guess I'll do it here:

I HURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sidony

((( sidony )))

I don't have the educational background that some folks have and that might cause me not to be considered for some jobs.

Have you ever taken any training courses at work or gone for special training? Attended a seminar that relates to your job? Anything like that should be on your resume.

Scream all you want, we hear you. I'm sorry things are so rough. Hope things lighten up soon.

Sending good vibes your way.

[spal]

Boy, when it rains, it pours, doesn't it?

I think that a mental health day is in order. All these things are beyond your control. Sucky things just happen ... it is, unfortunately, part of life. They are temporary, however, it's not an indication of a larger grander pattern that your life will follow.

You say that you've never had problems with depression but you are feeling down so maybe you are depressed. I think it would be helpful to tell your therapist everything that you have said here. Tell him/her that the group therapy is not working after six months and ask her to put you in another group. Or you can express to the group what has been going on in your life and see how they respond and decide if you want to stick with them. There is no law that says that you have to make something work that is not working.

Medication may be something that will help you, even on a temporary basis if your feelings are overwhelming you to the point of not being able to function without a whole lot of pain. Talk to your T about this.

If you were a good worker and well-liked, you will get another job. Everyone is on vacation right now. You don't know where your CV is going. It could be considered right now by someone.

And as for your lover ... yeah, that really sucks and there's no point pretending that you're okay about it. However, you can't stay indoors for fear of running into him. Try and connect with friends one on one or in small groups in places where you know that he won't be around. Invite people to your place to watch videos. Just take small steps to share what you are feeling with people that you trust. Together people only exist on TV.

All of this is temporary. Just say this to yourself. All of this is temporary. It's okay to feel what you feel. You can share this with people. There is nothing shameful about being in pain when life gives you some nasty blows. This too shall pass. Hang in there.

I'm listening

I'm so sorry everything seems to be falling apart. It is so hard when you loose your job, your love life is in the crapper and you are sure your world is falling apart.



We are always here to listen.

[sidony]

Thanks everyone!

Petunia, I did have a couple of seminars that I listed on my resume. It wasn't much though.

Spal, thanks for your thoughts. I've told T most of this, and hopefully I'll get up the nerve to talk about it with the group (I struggle with social anxiety). I don't know if it's worth sticking with them or not. Maybe I should give them a say. I like your suggestion of inviting people over for videos. That's a good idea, and my ex-lover would obviously not be there.

Keb6137, thanks also for your support and hug!

I appreciate and am re-reading all the comments. It helps to have some support. I'll try to make "this is temporary" into my new mantra...

Sidony

[pegasus]

Hello sidony,

I was thinking about your post last night when I couldn't sleep.

It's yucky how these things tend to pile up all at once.

As far as the work situation goes, hang on to the fact that you are TEMPORARILY out of work and that you will possibly find some work that suits you better. Keep plugging away with the applications and you will get there in the end.

The boyfriend situation - you are bound to feel sad after a break-up of a long relationship. Allow yourself time and tell yourself that that one wasn't meant to be.

The therapy situation - I find that I usually feel worse after therapy, on the day of or the day after. This is because of all the processing that goes on, so be gentle with yourself if you can. Discuss with your T how you really feel regarding the group therapy. I wouldn't give up on it, it sounds like you are actually starting to make progress there.

Take care.

[sidony]

Ugh. So I was going to go to this comedy show tomorrow night with some friends in spite of my previous plans not to get together with any of them any more. I bought my ticket and told the organizer I was coming. I knew my ex was on the list of invitees but figured I'd be okay if he showed (I often see him at social events, and although I knew that he had started seeing someone new he hadn't been coming to any events with her).

Then he replies to the whole list that he's coming and that he's bringing the girl he's seeing now. That's actually the first time he's announced that they're seeing each other or brought her to an event with everyone that he and I were friends with. And to a list that included me at a private event. I wish he'd told me he was thinking about it and asked how I felt. At least I wouldn't have bought the @#$@#$ing non-refundable ticket. Ugh.

So now I won't go, nor will I tell him how upsetting it is for me. I did tell the host I'd changed my mind, but at least I didn't reply to the whole list originally (so hopefully they don't know I was planning to come). Guess I'll be home alone as usual. It's all so depressing. I belonged to a close-knit group of friends. My ex belonged too (I brought him into the group when we started seeing each, but we've both been in it for years and years). It's not like I can ask him to leave. The only thing I can do is take myself away from the situation. It's sure depressing to be friendless though. Especially right now when I have no job. I haven't even received a single response to any of the job stuff I've sent out. And of course if I don't find more work I can't afford therapy....

I'm depressed. It'll be a long time before I can feel good again though at least if I get a job that'll help.

Sidony

[sidony]

(I know that last post is kind of at odds with what I said originally. I was determined not to go to anything any more and hadn't talked to anyone lately. But I was sort of thinking temporarily of reneging on that since sitting around alone is lame, but I'll revert back to the original plan of being alone.)

[sidony]

Oh, and one of the other folks to answer the show invite mentioned the great new job offer she'd gotten (in case some of us on the list hadn't heard it).

And it's not that I don't wish them all well. I'm glad she got a cool job. It's just hard to hear everyone's good news right now.

Sidony

[pegasus]

(((((((( sidony )))))))))

Do any of your friends in the group understand how awkward this is for you?

Is there a friend who you could confide in about how you feel?

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

[purplemoon]

(((( sidony )))) Thinking of you. I hate that everything falls apart at once. Hang in there.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( sidony )))))))))))))))

[gostryter]

((((((((((((((sidony)))))))))))))))))))

how completely, totally, awfully icky!!!

i can't comment much on dealing w/ the ex...cause i don't really have one....but i do know his new girlfriend is an ugly cow with no personality whose momma dresses her funny...lol

i hate to hear you backing away from your friends....but you do have friends here!! so you're not completely w/o friends!!

about yer job search! gawd do i know what a pain that is...and goodie....once i'm not endanger of becoming a permenent loon...i have to go find one! if you want someone to have a look a your resume and/or cover letter - i'd be happy to help...

i know how you feel about hearing people's good news...i went to get my hair cut yesterday...the girl before my hairstylist was telling....first the girl was as cute as a button! "she's about 27...she's married to this really cute guy, she has her masters degree and works for a major company. she was just promoted above people who've been there 20 years. she's pregnant and has a 2 year old at home. blah, blah, blah....................................." awe....BITE ME!

oh well....i love ya dear!!!

i love you. you've been like a rock for me recently. i know how hard it is to be the around the old love. it sucks, totally......a good job will come along, cause you're a good woman.......xoxoxo pat

[sidony]

Thanks everybody. So glad I can share stuff here.

As for my friends here at home (IRL), I don't feel like I can confide in anyone. One of my friends left me two "where are you" phone messages earlier today, but I don't feel like I can talk to her or anyone else here. Part of me wants to tell my ex he's insensitive for not giving me some warning, but I don't want to be a whiny immature baby about everything either. It's probably just better for me to be uninvolved with anyone who knows anything about my ex or has anything to do with my old life. That may be hard to explain to the friend who left me the phone messages. So far I'm procrastinating. I sort of hope she guesses how upset I am. I don't know why though. My whole life has to change. Job, friends, everything. I've even considered moving away to a different city. The real reason I don't is because therapy is so helpful right now, and so I don't want to leave my therapist. Really that's my only reason for staying here. Sad eh?

Sidony

[sidony]

And gostryter....

Yeah I know. I hate it when I'm looking around and everyone seems to have things so together and resolved and perfect in their lives and all that. I need more messed-up friends! I guess I'd be the screw-up in my group if I weren't leaving it...

Sid

[sidony]

... And I'm grieving for the friends I'm about to give up. I do love them. But it's too hard. I won't ask them to ostracize my ex (that'd be ridiculous), but I'll ostracize myself since it's all too sad for me....

Sidony

[spal]

I read your post and I'm sorry for the tough love but ostracizing yourself is NOT the way to respond. This is the depression talking and the pain. It will make your situation worse and not better. And while I too like the support I receive from an online community of fellow sufferers, it is not the same as the real world where you see and talk and participate in the lives of others. The internet can be a great place to hide and not deal with real life because it is safe. You don't have to deal with your voice cracking and tears falling or the physical presence of others. All the messy stuff of real life. This is not to disrespect anyone on this forum. I view being here as a great supportive group therapy but the point is to get better and to get out in the real world.

The friend who called you CARES about you and wants to know how you are. Call your friend back and tell her what is going on. Sharing what is going on in one's life -- not only good news -- is what friendship is all about. Your friend will understand. You are not doing your friends a favour by nobly dumping them. That is the depression talking. They will feel hurt that you are not speaking to them and wonder if you are punishing them when all they want to do is help. Talk to your friend. Tell her that you are feeling down. Please talk to your T. about this as well.

I have been exactly where you are now. I have had to have friends call me just to get me out of the house for five minutes because I was housebound for days because of depression and wanting to withdraw. People care about you. Plugging into your life, even though it is really hard for you to imagine right now, is the way to overcome this bad time.

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for your hurt and that you have to grieve!

I agree with spal though, that you really don't have to ostracize yourself. None of this is your fault.

(((sidony)))

[stefano]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sidony said:
I've even considered moving away to a different city. The real reason I don't is because therapy is so helpful right now, and so I don't want to leave my therapist. Really that's my only reason for staying here. Sad eh?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

SAD? You are doing therapy that is working? It is GREAT!

There you see: selective attention at work. You only see the bad aspect in the situation, which confirms your depressive views. Challenge it!

The best of luck!

[sidony]

Thanks everybody. It's helpful to hear everyone's point of view. My friend who had left the messages went on to email me. I did email her back that things weren't well. It was a really short email, but that actually says more coming from me. (When things are well, I write long chatty emails that ramble around all over the place.) She's perceptive -- her email flat-out asks if I'm trying to disappear. Well duh.

I will actually see my friends today (large group event where hopefully I can steer clear of my ex since he'll be there). I won't talk much. I'd skip it except I'll have a few beers there and then I'll lighten up. (No, I don't drink to any excess, but I don't mind relaxing with a few drinks occasionally.)

I left my therapist a long rambling phone message yesterday. Seems I lost track of what I was saying in the middle of it, but he
won't mind.

Speaking of rambling, I'm starting to do that here now too so I'll shut up and go back to my coffee.

In summary: my unhealthy want at the moment is to feel like I've moved away only without actually doing it.

Sidony