[dexter]

I don't know how I'm going to get through the night or the rest of the week. i will call a hotline if I need to but I do not want to be hospitalized again. I've just been slipping back, I couldn't eat anything today at all, made some macaroni and cheese and ate a little but now I think I'm going to throw up. If I'm suffering in emotional pain and with physical problems and can't even eat why do I have to keep fighting this? I do not want to. I was doing so much better a few weeks ago and now I can't even remember what that was like. I don't even have anyone that I want to say goodbye to.

[Skeezyks]

Hello dexter: Please reach out, in real life, for help. The Skeezyks sends warm hugs your way with the hope that you might be able to find deep peace within...

[Michelea]

Hello dexter,

You were doing really well not very long ago, and I think you can get there again. It can be difficult to get back to being centered and focused after we have a slide to the back, but it can be done.

If you feel like it would help to "talk" to someone right now, feel free to PM me.

I don't doubt that you have no desire to be hospitalized. But you have to do what's best for your body until your spirit returns.

Depression makes you feel horrible, but depression lies. Know that. We are telling you what's best.

[elevatedsoul]

[dexter]

I know all that I've been through all that before I'm merely tired of struggling with this I've got no one around to help and if I go into the hospital I think there will be nothing to come out to i've been struggling at my job I can't make it in to work more than one day a week. I know I was doing much better a little while ago but it tooks months of energy to do so and i've gone through almost all of my savings and now I've slid back down to the bottom I don't have the energy or resources to climb back up. And to be honest I;m a little resentful that I don't have a single person in this world to help me. I worked up all of my energy to reach out to someonethis evening and was told we could be friends again when I am happy again. I know that kind of sucks but that's not the big deal tonight I'm just soo very tired of fighiting this for no reward other than surviving.

And tonight I've got the kind of anxiety and restlessness that I had thirteen years ago when I made my one and only attempt. I'm not suicidal now I just want to get some sleep but thirteen years ago when things ramped up like this (triggered by an event at work) I stopped eating and sleeping completely. My apettite is already gone I've lost about 40 pounds since December from not eathing much.

I'm tired tired tired tired tired and tonithg I will either not be able to sleep and tomorrow I will be suicidal or I will fall asleep and wake tomorrow with more worry and disapointment. I have already written off work this week I told them I won't be in the rest of the week. I had a pdoc appt tomorrow but the office called and cancelled it but I'm still taking the day off.

[Michelea]

I am very sorry you are having such a tough time now.
Please do reach out for help.

[elevatedsoul]

is cannabis legal in your state? i cant remember.. it helps me get by when i can utilize its usefulness

it can also help with apetite.. because i struggle with eating as well, dunno if its some form of eating disorder but i just dont have much motivation to eat at all, even when i feel fine, and the thought/sight of food can even make me feel sick sometimes so... smoking a little helps to eat if nothing else.. but it usually helps me to relax and takes the edge off the depressive pains and stuff as well

what type of peeps are you trying to be friends with?
i've realized a long time ago that i just simply cant be friends with "normal" people because they just cant understand me and my many afflictions :/

we need to find other crazies that can handle us, you know, someone thats not gonna get all weird when we feel depressed and tell us to leave them alone because we are downers or something... but the kind that be like, well damn im depressed too can we watch a movie or drink a couple beers together?

depression is wack... especially recurrent depression like we have, i dunno much what to do about it.. besides smoking a big one, thats my favorite thing for it, and listening to some really cool music or watching a super silly movie..

have you seen Hell and Back?
Watch Hell and Back Online Free Putlocker | Putlocker - Watch Movies Online Free

keep swingin, one of these swings we' gonna nail that depression in the face and knock em out the ball park

[Fuzzybear]

[Yours_Truly]

I wish I could say or do something to make you feel better.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling bad. I do hope you find something that will help you out.

[dexter]

Today things got much worse. I didn't go to work and instead forced myself to drive down to Seaside where I know I always feel better and last week I went there and had a good appetite and ate quite a bit. Today I felt horrible there and couldn't finish the sandwich I bought. I rode the skyride and fantasized about jumping off.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

is cannabis legal in your state? i cant remember.. it helps me get by when i can utilize its usefulness

No not here. And I worry I would have a bad reaction to it if I take it when I am depressed.

[dexter]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

what type of peeps are you trying to be friends with?

I have a difficult time making friends and no interest whatsoever in being with someone I am not friends with.

So I look for friends with similar interests. I love roller coasters and I am in a nationwide roller coaster club but despite having a lot of friends in the club after being a member for about 25 or 30 years I have not a single one that I am close to, no one that I have any desire to hang with outside of one of the club events. Also the club for some reason happens to have a very high percentage of gay members, and in spite of that, not one connection there, ever.

The only people I've ever felt a bond with are people who share my nerdiness with Star Wars and sci fi. There are a few people in that group that I like to hang out with outside of a Star Wars movie. But no romantic interest there and it is rare we actually get to hang out because all of them are out of state... NY, PA, RI. My two friends who I gush about here as being my only good source of depression support are people I met at Star Wars in 1999. And they help when they can but they are busy (doctor/social worker) and out of town.

So I've been to gay science fiction conventions thinking it is my best chance to meet someone and have never come away from a single one with so much as an email or contact info for a potential friend.

The only two romantic interests I've had in my entire life were people who loved Star Wars. Both times I was mistaken on their feelings for me and both times I was crushed and sent into a deep suicidal depression. The first one lasted almost a year (I was unable to work and almost lost my home) and this one is nine months and counting. And this time it is someone I work with so trying to get back to work means trying to deal with those feelings for him. And I never really replenished my savings from the first time so I'm running on fumes, still not back to work.

I no longer want to look for someone. Given my track record of zero--I am a 54 year old virgin, never had anything close to a relationship my whole life--and given the consequences of failing, with the odds of success so low based on my track record and the most certain risk of hitting a depressive cycle again if I fail the risk vs reward does not pan out.

[dexter]

My therapist offered as an alternative that I might try to accept that it is OK to be alone the rest of my life. That's the state I've been in for maybe seven years now. It is survivable but not satisfactory. I was able to deal with living in that place but there is no way I can expend the huge amount of energy required to keep working on this depression with that as the "goal" it is simply not worth it. I'm talking not only the energy of dealing with the depression every day but of trying to get help... Finding, calling therapists, dragging myself to support group meetings several times a week, I spent 9 weeks in an IOP, dealing with insurance. I have no one at all to help me with this stuff, I am alone all day without so much as someone to visit and get a hug, let alone help me deal with the mountain of crap to get help. I worked hard at that for the last nine months and I am very proud of myself for the effort I put in but I just don't have the energy to start again, starting with finding a new therapist, back at square one.

[dexter]

And I just realized I'm not at square one because I'm already somewhere on the negative number line because I already have a list of therapists who won't call me back or won't take me as a patient or won't take my insurance. So starting to find a new therapist the pool is already thinned out.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello dexter: Please reach out, in real life, for help. The Skeezyks sends warm hugs your way with the hope that you might be able to find deep peace within...

Praying for you...seek out help...been there..it can get better

Praying for you...seek out help..I have been where you feel the way you do..it can get better!

[Rose76]

I'm sorry things have gotten this bad for you. I think you may have made a very wise decision to notify your job that you just won't be there over the next week. (At least, I think that's what you were saying.) There is definitely such a thing as being too da=# depressed to cope with work. It's one less thing to dog you down for a few days.

Being alone with no emotional support is one of the worst things to try and cope with. I would not agree with your therapist that it might be fine to just make being content with aloneness your goal. That's not what you really want.

My own approach to going through lonely times was to sometimes drop the bar lower on who I would consider spending time with. It sometimes turned out that who I thought wasn't really going to be very interesting turned out to actually be quite interesting.

It's my own belief that one of the problems with therapy is that it conditions us to rely on the kind of intense interest that a therapist gives. I think it decreases the drive to get involved with other people because we get what I would call an artificial "fix" from sitting in a room one-on-one with a person paid to be totally interested in us. I came to feel it was like looking for love in an encounter with a prosititute.

I don't mean to sound hard on therapists, but they do us a dis-service when they allow therapy to go on and on for years, while nothing really changes in our lives. (I saw one therapist over a span of 19 years.) A therapist who terminates a relationship with you may be coming to the realization that you are just spinning your wheels in therapy . . . and they may be right.

Ease up on yourself and realize that sooner or later you will get a little surge of energy. Make a plan to do something that gets you around others despite thinking that you have no interest in them and that they have nothing to offer you. Often the biggest thing holding us back in life is an assumption we are making that we are actually wrong about.

[dexter]

But I've spent years doing all of the things that you have suggested. I took my bar down thinking maybe I was being too picky. Met people I couldn't stand being around when I was healthy. I'm much less tolerant now that I am older and have medical issues and I also realize that puts me on a "lower" bar to anyone I might meet. You are correct I did tell them I would be out all week but this isn't isolated, I haven't worked more than one day a week for several months now and while I was in IOP I wasn't at work at all. I did try to keep up with some work at home but very sketchy hours. I did three days out of necessity on a project three weeks ago, it almost killed me (not literally) and I don't even remember the next week and this week two days. I think the week in between I tried to go in and had to leave mid day because of anxiety. That was the way things were before I was in IOP I would try to go to work and then leave after an hour. I had gotten past that and was able to go in one day a week and stay the whole day. Now I'm back to not being able to make it through the day. I've only been with this therapist a few weeks. He's not dropping me I just find him doing more harm than good so I'm looking for another. I plan to keep seeing him until I can find someone new because I don't dare try to slide through this without regular therapy even if it is bad therapy I need the structure so I don't just give up completely. I've trying to do things to get me out but my motivation is failing again. The anhedonia that comes with my depression has returned so there is nothing I can go out and do that will give me joy. I wouldn't even want to meet the person who would want to be friends with me if I am somewhere not enjoying myself. My aloneness is not an assumption it is tested and true over the past 54 years. I keep talking to people who say they are in the same boat as I am and can understand and to hold out because they are just like me and they found someone when they were older... Then talking to them they describe how happy they are in this new relationship because it is so much better than their first and second marriages and their kids get along with this one. I am not exaggerating about this. I'm polite to them but I want to scream at them YOU HAD TWO MARRIAGES AND KIDS YOU ARE NOT IN THE SAME BOAT AS I AM I AM A VIRGIN AND HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD ANYONE INTERESTED IN GOING OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.

[dexter]

And fushia and skeezyks I've done nothing BUT reach out for help for this since I first recognized the return of depression symptoms in December. Despite the lack of motivation and the hopelessness and the frustration of doctors offices NOT EVEN RETURNING MY PHONE CALLS I perservered and found a therapist and then the IOP which helped me. I've been going to support group meetings two or three times a week. One therapist suggested that it might be more productive to take one of those days and go do something to meet people instead. I can barely get to these meetings without exhaustion and a tight chest (I have some severe cardiac problems) I'm not working so I can't do anything that costs money I would love to go dancing again and to heck with whether I meet anyone or not but I can't walk up a flight of stairs now let alone go dancing. If I don't go to these support groups I'm alone in the house in bed instead.

The problem isn't reaching out for help. I'm still talking to my supportive friends, I'm still going to therapy, I'm still looking for a new therapist, I'm still going to the support groups. The problem isn't reaching out for help and the problem is not that I want to kill myself the problem is that I'm tired of exerting so much energy on this for no reward and I am ready to simply stop trying.

[dexter]

And although I am not suicidal I think this discussion is starting to push up against forum rules so I'll stop now.

[Rose76]

Usually when how we feel changes, there is something that happened that triggered us changing. I think you said you had been doing well for awhile. Can you think of anything that occurred that threw you out of kilter?

I do understand that your c/o feeling alone is not a mere assumption, but a statement of what you've been actually going through for years. I believe you have truly been very alone for a real long time. That's a chronic hardship. Was there something else, recently, that gave your longtime problem an extra twist?

How are you doing today? (Friday)

[BadMojo47]

Very sorry this is happening to you. At times like this I have a two part plan: (A) I find any form of support I can use in any form I can use it, even if it's nothing more than a chat room containing like-minded people (B) I find one thing to keep me afloat, one reason, one image. Sometimes it's a song or a piece of writing. Anything that tells me this life is still worth living. Hope this finds you well.

[dexter]

Yes I know exactly what happened don't feel like discussing it. It is really two things that intertwined two sources of stress that I worked hard to successfully compartmentalize in therapy, now they can't be separated and the stress and anxiety is overwhelming.