[cloudsatall]

Hello, I posted a few weeks ago in the relationships forum, about my minister and his wife wanting to fix me up with a male minister who lives about 200 miles from me. This guy, 'G' is 7 years younger than me (I am 52). I have not met him, only seen his photo and his facebook page. I struggle with depression(dysthemia) and low self esteem. I would like to meet him but the I am afraid he would not understand a person who struggles with depression. I also am afraid to get close to a guy, because I have been hurt in the past by a guy who was intelligent (and this new guy is intelligent)--the past guy was a narcissist and told me he loved me, then turned around and hated me. And my counselor is no help, she said that I haven't been "out there" in the dating world. Well, I don't see how that makes any difference--I am conservative and don't want to engage in sexual activity before marriage and also I am somewhat shy and don't like the idea of 'dating around' because I don't like casual relationships. If anyone has any ideas of books to read about depression, self esteem and relationships. Do depressed people find love?

[dexter]

Hi cloudsatall I'm struggling with this myself right now. Does your minister and his wife know about your struggles with depression? Maybe they are suggesting meeting 'G' because they know he is sensitive to the issue? Overcoming past disappointments is also tough. Sorry I don't have better advice, but I can relate.

[falsememory7]

Clouds, depressed people definitely can find love. I understand and can relate to your apprehension - but I think that if your minister is recommending this minister, then he must be a good guy. One who wants what you want, and agrees to take things slow and abstain from sex until marriage. I think that it's worth giving a shot - meeting this minister and getting to know him. The age difference is insignificant, and you have a real possibility of meeting someone you really connect with. I hope you take a leap of faith and give it a shot

[Fizzyo]

There are some good intelligent people in the world, the only way you know if you will get on is to spend time together, (not necessarily live together, I am similarly conservative) but over a long enough time to really know them and see the warts and all.
There's no shame in finding the warts and deciding it's not for you, that's what dating is for, it's the attitude that's casual, I believe, rather than the length.

Best wishes

[ShineYourLight]

No one can "see" depression. As far as being hurt, We miss every opportunity we dont take a shot at

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by cloudsatall

Hello, I posted a few weeks ago in the relationships forum, about my minister and his wife wanting to fix me up with a male minister who lives about 200 miles from me. This guy, 'G' is 7 years younger than me (I am 52). I have not met him, only seen his photo and his facebook page. I struggle with depression(dysthemia) and low self esteem. I would like to meet him but the I am afraid he would not understand a person who struggles with depression. I also am afraid to get close to a guy, because I have been hurt in the past by a guy who was intelligent (and this new guy is intelligent)--the past guy was a narcissist and told me he loved me, then turned around and hated me. And my counselor is no help, she said that I haven't been "out there" in the dating world. Well, I don't see how that makes any difference--I am conservative and don't want to engage in sexual activity before marriage and also I am somewhat shy and don't like the idea of 'dating around' because I don't like casual relationships. If anyone has any ideas of books to read about depression, self esteem and relationships. Do depressed people find love?

Hi clouds. It would seem we have a lot in common. I too suffer with dysthemia, & low self-esteem. I am "shy" as well. I have never been diagnosed as an antisocial but I honestly believe I am. I also believe in not having sex before you're married. With that said I don't think you're going to like what I have to say.
I am married to a woman I love & I regret it. I hate that I am putting her through this. I see myself as a burden to her & I don't want to be anyone's burden. Right now she is the only thing keeping me in this world. I know once I kill myself that it will hurt her deeply. Don't do that to someone else. Yes I know being alone sucks, but don't bring this on someone else.

[cloudsatall]

I had an email discussion with a female minister friend of mine, who knows this male minister (D), and my friend has 'reservations' based on our personalities-she said he is a deep thinker with a high IQ (so I assume she thinks I'm stupid). I wish I never had mentioned it to her, now I am doubting myself again and I don't need more of that. I am an intelligent person, in that I have a college degree and I am a certified legal assistant and passed a 2 day test for that. So I have linguistic intelligence. I don't understand how another person can tell me who is and who is not a match for me. Isn't that up to the two people in the relationship, not to an outsider?

Maybe just reflect a bit on whether you would really like to meet this person - not because of what other people with good intentions think. What would YOU like to do?

I know we are social creatures and we tend to think being within a state of couplehood is 'necessary.' I suppose for some people that is really true. But, there isn't anything wrong with not dating and enjoying your own company and the company of friends.

If you are just really unsure, perhaps tell your matchmaker you could be open to meeting this other minister (or other eligible men) sometime in the future but at the moment you have other things you're focusing on.

He's a deep thinker? THat could code for pompous, boring, or self- absorbed . . . She could be sparing you in a way that isn't outright disparaging him.

[cloudsatall]

Another update; my female minister friend said I wasn't 'ready' to be in a relationship. I disagree--what does that mean, not 'ready' to be in a relationship? I assume it means I'm not good enough.

I know I have issues with being hurt in the past, but I don't think that means I can't have a relationship.

When we're depressed it's easy to over analyze and to be hurt by things people say to us. I have that problem myself, anything said to me I tend to overthink it.

My only suggestion is to go by your own gut, what does it tell you? Like Onward said, reflect on what you want, not what is suggested by others. This female minister can't possibly know you the way you know yourself. People often want to give advice, and think they know better than we do ourselves. It's hard doubting yourself. The worst possible outcome, you could meet, realize he isn't for you, and go your own ways. Or you might hit it off and have a new friend. We all need friends and getting out when you're depressed can be difficult, but for me, I found it to help me even though I resisted and wanted to withdraw. Best wishes to you.

[cloudsatall]

thank you for your reply--I have been upset in the past by what this friend tells me, so it is time for me to accept that her suggestions for me are not right for me. I have felt more confused after chatting with her and that is not a good sign.

[cloudsatall]

An update on this situation. In late January, I asked the guy, D, to add me as a friend on facebook (in my message, I just said "hi, I'm friends with Pastor T (my pastor), please add me"). So D added me as a friend, with no reply message.

Last Sunday, the pastor told me that he had lunch with D, out of town, and that D had mentioned me and was blushing when he talked about me. So I assumed D brought me up on his own.

Then, last night, I asked my pastor what D said about me, and my pastor said D didn't say anything about me. Pastor T told me, that he had said to D, there is a girl I want you to meet (and mentioned my name) and D said something about adding me as a friend on facebook or wondering who I was.

Now my pastor asked me if I messaged D, yet. I said that I don't know what to say to him. My pastor said to say something about my being a friend of Pastor T, etc.

Now I don't know what to do. I am open to meeting this guy but I think Pastor T should be the one to set this up since he started this and I don't feel comfortable messaging this guy and asking him to meet me.

I also don't know if I should message him on facebook, and what should I say? How do I do this without coming across like I am chasing him or something? I have been crying about this because I feel so frustrated with the situation.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry im confused!! i mixed up everybody..

but i think if you want this then go for it
try not to over think it...
just keep it light and simple ... if i understand correctly then the pastor friend wants to set you up with this other pastor, and he mentioned to that pastor that he had a friend he wanted him to meet.. so both of you are aware of this other person right and know that your both interested in finding a relationship?
go for it it sounds like a good thing, if you send him msg on facebook just do a little introduction sayin who you are and friends of and say they thought you 2 should chat

just dont over think it right?
happy for you

maybe someone else here can be more specific what to say - im never good with words at that kind of thing

[cloudsatall]

well, I sent him a message on facebook, my message was 'hi, I see you like (singer), she is one of my favorite singers, which of her songs do you like?' and he did see the message, but did not respond. Though he did like my video post about turning fog into water. So I guess he doesn't want to communicate with me. I'm depressed about this and trying to tell myself it doesn't mean I'm not pretty enough or interesting enough.

[cloudsatall]

yep--he's self absorbed

[elevatedsoul]

no response ??

it doesnt mean your not pretty enough or interesting enough at all
maybe some other reason he hasn't responded to you

stay strong...

[dexter]

Social media is weird. IMO you did exactly the right thing. It is tough to figure out what to do next if he didn't respond, I think a lot of people are in the same boat with Facebook so please do not let it think it necessarily has anything to do with you. It could be as simple as he didn't have full access with a keyboard and a "like" was the only way to let you know he's out there. Or he could be shy about composing the next message. If you can get the pastor to arrange a meeting/introduction next maybe, let the pastor know you contacted him on Facebook.

[dexter]

Also I'm a complete failure in this regard so my advice may not be the best. Wishing the best for you though. You certainly deserve it.

[cloudsatall]

another update; told my pastor about contacting D on facebook and his lack of response. My pastor said D is losing his job at the end of June, and is depressed about moving. So my pastor said not to worry about this, and that D asked him a lot of questions about me. Also, my pastor said D agreed to meet me, along with my pastor, in June or July (no date set yet).

Now what do I do? Pastor T told me not to mention D's job loss to anyone, so I can't say anything to D about this. And I also feel sad, that even if I meet D, nothing will ever happen. I have been taking Tylenol to try to calm down because I am upset; I feel like nothing ever works out for me with relationships and I am so tired of life and problems and don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for letting me vent and sorry to be so down.

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by cloudsatall

Thank you for letting me vent and sorry to be so down.

We are here to listen. Sometimes venting can help you feel better. No need to apologize. I hope it works out for you.

[elevatedsoul]

cloudsatall ... it is completely natural to be nervous and axnious about this...
if i was you i would be a mess too... but i think the best thing to do is to just try to let things happen, try not to think about it... like when i am going to a dr appt or dentist i try to think about anything else to occupy my mind until im sitting in that chair talking to the dr... or him ripping a tooth out... so that i cant back out.... and so i dont breakdown before i get there...
its still a little ways away before your meeting with him... so if you stress alot about it it could make you feel bad right...?
i would try not to make any expectations... i dont like making expectations....
just try to let things happen... im sure the guy is going to like you, but if a relationship evolves is something that is up in the air... you have to feel comfortable and try to be yourself for that to happen, but try not to make too many expectations because this will just put alot of pressure on you right..? and then if the expectations dont happen it will make you feel bad...
this guy sounds like a nice guy, you sound like a nice girl, you 2 will be friends if nothing else... but it seems like you both are looking for something more... he has seen your pictures, you have seen him too right... he still wants to meet you, so that should mean that he is atleast a little bit interested i would think...

try to relax, try not to stress about it... try to just let it happen naturally...
i think everything will be fine

as long as you dont stress too much right?

im not sure if that makes sense... or if its good advice... but its what i would try to tell myself...

i think this is agood thing for you, try not to over think it

[cloudsatall]

another update about this situation. I don't know what to think about this...yesterday my pastor, T, told me that he saw D this week, and D told Pastor T to tell me, that he (D) is not avoiding me (by not calling or messaging), but that he is nervous and afraid of rejection. So, on one hand, I think it is considerate for D to let me know that....but I am curious as to why he feels this way....I will see him in June, (when I go to the church conference meeting) but I am worried about why he is resisting this....I am hoping it is because he is shy about having a relationship or maybe he was hurt in the past, and not because he does not want to have a relationship with ME, in particular. I know I need to meet him in person. I just needed to vent about this latest incident.

[elevatedsoul]

have you written him a little note for your friend to give to him?
dont make it a long one, just something simple maybe?

hi, im excited to meet you!

something to try to make him not nervous some how
i always try to relieve the tension as quickly as possible... but thats just me... but the biggest thing i do is run away so that wont work here!

i would like it if girl sent me a note with some intentions first, that way i wouldnt be walking in blind

[cloudsatall]

Ok, another update. I contacted my pastor tonight by email and told him to STOP telling other people about D and I, because it makes me uncomfortable, and he agreed to stop. I then asked him about D, and what is going on, and then my pastor called me on the phone. He said that D is really nervous about this (and that is why D has not contacted me) and also that D "doesn't know what to think". (Which REALLY worries me--what does that mean? Now I have to ask the pastor about that).

Then pastor asked me if D contacted me yet, and I said no, and my pastor said I could send D a message on facebook, saying I am going to conference and will talk to him there. I don't know if I should do that or whether it will help the situation. I don't want to leave it as it is right now, because I don't want D to be nervous and I want D to know that I don't mean any harm (and I am not chasing him) and just am interested in talking to him and being a friend.

I am REALLY upset with my pastor about this. He started this whole thing, and he said he was going to have dinner with me and D at the conference. Now it is like he is backing out of this. I like everything I have seen about D so far, from the sermons I have listened to, and short video, and everything he writes. I don't want to give up on this, but I don't want to push it, either.

I am going to talk to my counselor and see what she thinks I should do next. I don't want to leave it up in the air, like this, for the next month, because the whole situation seems unclear. I never wanted D to feel pressured and now I feel upset because I feel the pastor handled this the wrong way.

[cloudsatall]

Another update...about a week and a half ago, I did send a message to D on facebook, saying that I was looking forward to meeting him at conference and hoped everything was going well for him. He did send me a reply, saying "likewise. Thank you for reaching out. I've been really busy" and then he asked me what other Christian music artists I like and I mentioned some artists, and then he said he saw one of the artists in concert.

So, I am happy to have had some contact with him. I have been crying over him, when looking at photos of him...because I am overcome with emotions and I feel so strongly about him. I just needed to talk about this because it is always on my mind.