Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Same here.

It's been a while since I've posted on here. My laptop at home is not working so I have to go to the place I purchased it from to repair it. I'm doing alright without it for a while.

About me, I've been feeling alright. At times low and anxious, as usual. I'm looking into selling my condo unit. So far a casual acquaintance of mine said that he may want to just flat out buy from me and then fix the place up himself. But he wants to wait until Spring.

I questioned myself as to why I even called on him. I had not heard from him in a while and felt like there were times he was not there for me when I needed him. He does not sound like a good person; but it seems like we have a great time when we are together. So I don't know.

Also I feel that my relationship with my downstairs neighbor is not getting any better - to say the least.

I'm feeling really terrible today. I keep thinking about all these flaws I have, and I don't know why I have them, and I don't know how to change. I feel hopeless and lost.

I worked out yesterday and it went well. But a couple of little things went wrong after that, but not much of a big deal. First, I went to the pool area after dinner and much to my surprise the gates were locked. I don't know why they were. No notice was put up. I left a message to the HOA about that. Once in a while the gates would be locked probably because the person responsible for unlocking forgot to do it. It increased my anger a little bit because I feel like I live in a stupid complex.

Since that happened, I decided to go to the store where I bought my laptop because it needs repair, so the message says. The tech support guy couldn't help me. He suggested I should try another store, so I'll do that after work. It may take a while to get my laptop working again; as I would need to get a disk to get it going again. I may have to wait for the disk by mail.

The guy in the tech support at the store told me that I may have encountered the problem because I had switched to Windows 10. I recalled that I was prompted by pop-up to make the switch. I didn't want to. And then Windows 10 just downloaded out of the blue without my authorization. After that there were problems in using my laptop. I heard that many others had the very same problem.

Today is shaping out to be a disappointment. Woke up too late (shortly before noon). The whole day it has been gray and cold, and with my SAD tendencies it isn't making for a good day. Not to mention it gets dark so early now, and with the overcast skies the darkness comes even sooner - it is now 5:20 and the streetlights are turning on. We had the first snow flurries of the season this morning, but nothing stuck. I didn't get to witness it because I slept too late, like I said. Had some coffee then caught up with my only irl friend on Facebook. Her fiance told me last night that she was at her dad's house here in town, so I was hopeful maybe that she would ask me today if she could spend the night. Instead she told me she is going to a Rocky Horror live performance in Indy tonight with her dad, his female 'friend', and some other of her relatives. I hope she has a good time, but I am starting to wonder when/if I'll get to spend one-on-one time with her again, rather than through Facebook. I also get the sneaking suspicion that her fiance doesn't want us talking or spending much time together, but that's an entirely different story I won't go into.

My dad went to the liquor store this afternoon before I could give him money and ask him to pick me up a half pint, so I had to come to terms with not being able to drink tonight, after weeks of not drinking and anticipating that one drink.. I had been counting on having that drink to relax, as I've been so on-edge and nothing is helping. Mindfulness is a crock. I'm stressed mainly because my parents have been fighting more often and I've had no means of unwinding at the end of the day. However, now my brother is spending the night, when I don't particularly want him to, for personal reasons... Not to mention the fact he and my dad don't like each other much. And with the way my dad's been acting lately, I'm scared a fight will break out between either them, or him and my mom in front of him, which would likely piss him off and cause him to confront my dad. The only consolation prize is Pizza King, and that my brother is now on his way to the liquor store and I will get to have a full pint of whiskey rather than a half of one. They are going to watch the race. I just hope they don't expect me to go out there and be social, or they will be disappointed.

For some reason the old body horror is creeping back into my mind - just flashes of shame and disgust, short-lived and usually dismissed. It's so pointless and absurd to worry like that, to feel ashamed of a sophisticated function of nature that's the only existence I really know. But for some reason the "fact" that it's disgusting keeps creeping into my mind.

I think I've been a little adrenaline-high for a while, because I crashed hard today. Only up for a few hours and had to take a three hour nap. I might go out this evening - though my mom's finally home from the hospital, so I don't have wuite the freedom of movement I used to.

Today started off okay, but it went downhill towards the end of day. I just felt numb, the happiness that I was briefly able to experience yesterday was gone, and I just felt hollow and depressed again. Also, my self deprecating thoughts came back towards the end of the day as well.

Just f***! Today was alright and then my mind decided to pull all this **** and make everything suck. Can't take all of this anymore...

To the miserable idiots who are harassing me to DEATH:

_____oh and make that soon.

i used to pace the floors when i first got sick. that alone drove me crazy, i couldn't stop walking. finally i had a hospital stay and got on meds which saved me.

I better make a schedule of what I got to get done today . . . and keep doing that everyday.

I'm feeling a little better. Making a playlist of all of songs that contain emotions that match how I feel every time I reach a low point helps. I feel like even though upbeat songs cheer me up, they don't "detox" me as well as sad songs- it's my equivalent of crying since I can't seem to do that as much as I want to.

Don't anyone ask me "how are you"? How could I possibly be? After they have destroyed every aspect of my life. Am I supposed to reply "I'm fine after you degraded, mocked and humiliated me in front of hundreds of people"? Is that the answer you are looking for because that's what I want to say.

Are these people proud of themselves?? What kind of low-life's are they? Do they walk around saying they "helped so and so"? When they actually ruined my life.

Why did you do this to me? Why?

I never bothered anyone except my existence annoyed the Queen B.

Hugs....

This upcoming weekend I'm going to be seeing a person whose friendship I have lost. I won't be able to heal until I fix things with this person, but they have been unwilling to do so and unwilling to take responsibility for their part of it. I'm really nervous about seeing this person, so I could use some good luck.

I wish you good luck

All I can do today is sit and cry. I left work early, and I'm hating myself for it. I couldn't get anything done at work though. I just wish I didn't have to feel like this.

It's been a little while since I've been on here. The weekend started off pretty sucky. There were a lot of little disappointments. On Saturday I took my laptop to a repair place. I was hoping that they could fix it quickly and on the spot but they couldn't. So it won't be ready until Tue. or Wed. At the mall where I took my laptop, my friend was going to meet me there. He never showed up.

Yesterday I went to try another church. It didn't take long for me not to like it. I was going to go on a long bike ride but it was threatening to rain. The rains didn't come until much later. Well, at least it had a happy ending as another friend of mine called and we had a very good talk.

Today so far it seems like a lot of people at work are not here. I got asked by a couple of people, "what will I being for Thanksgiving".

I'm feeling very, very, very, sad.

I'm actually feeling okay today , which is a nice break from the emotionally down set of days I've had.

Today (this morning) I am not the greatest. Basically I don't feel like doing anything. And it's frustrating because I'm sure I will feel better if I do what I'm supposed to. I might do some things. But I don't know about pushing myself to go to my exercise class or my support group today.

not sure about a feeling of depression, but certainly feelings of wanting to feel "normal," and "with it"

doing well today.

Bored, and tired, and lonely, and depressed

Tired, and confused!