Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

To my shock, I believe I made up with my friend who had been the object of my depression for so long. It took a fair amount of alcohol to do so haha, but I think things are going to improve in my life. Thank you PsychCentral, I haven't been here for very long but I appreciate it.

Yellow Knight, that is great news!

I'm doing okay.

I'm on a vacation. I should be feeling happy, or excited about seeing the attractions, but I don't. Instead I feel upset at myself for mistakes that should seem trivial. I know that I am not worthless, but when my parents are giving me my birthday gifts and I know that I should be happy, that under any other circumstance I would be ecstatic, but instead I feel wholly indifferent and have to pretend to be enthralled, I really feel like a burden.

So far not much of a day. I went to a church this morning and it was not that great. I don't think that I'll be going back there again. It's been a windy and rainy day. Just heavy showers that pass through. It doesn't look like I'll be riding my bike today. I didn't yesterday either because of the rain. I may just take a long walk outside if it doesn't rain anymore.

Feel a little bit sad that it's back to work after having a nice few days off. Last Wednesday I think I did something at work that I should have not done. I might have to answer to some angry people. What I did was errase a white board in one of the conference rooms, which is my job to do. Someone who had worked just outside of that conference room told me that the room had been occupied for a while and they will be back in on Monday. He told me that they may have wanted that material to stay on the board.

I just can't stand being around people right now. Really dreading going to work tomorrow. I've had a great weekend just sitting and playing video games, but as soon as some of our friends started playing too I wanted to quit. This is so frustrating.

I can't find a job and sleep too much. I can't decide if I should go back to my psych and ask him to tweak my meds or just accept that losing my job is causing my bad feelings. I can still go out and spend time with people but my interviews are rather poor.

I am about to enter a new phase of my life although I prefer to stay in the moment and ignore the challenges of what is about to come. I will start my first job on January. Residency at some hospital.
I also did this seriation National exam, so I could apply to a medical speciality at my country. I did good. My grade was good enough to give me plenty of options to chose from. Even so I tend to think it wasn't amazing.
By these days all my colleagues talk about is the grade... Everyone wants to know what everyone had... Because they care about other people, because they want to know how competition is going to be.
I don't like to brag, in fact I normally don't like people who brag a lot. But I wanted to show off a little (my sister shows me off to her friends). No one asked me, I didn't ask anyone. Since the exam I just had a few small talks with my colleagues.
Last weekend I had a ceremony at my faculty. Today I had another ceremony. It was about hipocrates oath (?). But at both, despite the many opportunities I had I barely talked to someone. It's sad and stupid, I know, but I am tired of imposing rules on myself and feeling bad because I am not as good as I wanted to be. I decided I should face my challenges at my own pace. And stop blaming myself. I didn't stop caring and I didn't stop trying. The truth is that I am not close to any of my colleagues and I dread running out of things to say. Whatever. And I am shy and I feel anxious when I have to approach and join a big group of people. I will not get back all this years of loneliness by spending some time sitting next to people I not 100% comfortable with. I would rather start our aquitence all over again. I will meet a lot of new people after January. I am not expecting myself to be an all new person or to act differently from what I normally do. But without false hope I wish I can do better. I wish I can grow a little and improve. I am now focused on changing first my way of thinking and my self image. I am aware it will be hard, but normally I tend to imagine the future more darker than it really is, so perhaps it will be easier than I think.

Back to my grade. I was expecting far worse. After finishing the exam I was so worried I did bad and then I confronted my answers with the corrections and I had a pleasant surprise. It's strange because some weeks ago I thought I would be happy if I got at least a little bit less than I got and now I worried there will be many people having better grades than mine. It's seems like this year people's grades are higher than previous years, even it is hard to know by now. So, stupidly I worry, what if the only reason I had a good grade was because the exam was easy? And what if most people did good and by comparison I am not that good? I have been all my life comparing myself to everyone and having the feeling I am not good enough if I am not among the best. It's stupid, I know, but it is the only thing that feeds my self worth. After the exam a friend of mine was kidding me, predicting that I would have a certain grade that was in fact very close to what I have got and my sister answered that it wouldn't happen because I didn't study that much... That is the detail that still can make me believe in my abilities. I have studied hard, but I get tired easily and it's hard for me to stay focused... It has been like this since eleventh grade, but it hasn't preventing me from having good grades and being among the best. I can't stop wondering how would it be if I could really apply myself. But if I started thinking what if to everything the possible scenarios would be infinite. I can only know for sure what have indeed happened. Sometimes I wish my colleagues knew how hard I have it so they could value me... But I should know I don't need their opinions to develop a better opinion about myself.
I am very aware that my worries may seem shallow and narcissistic, but that is not my intention I can't help it but feel this way.

I'm feeling depressed and jittery today. My mind is racing with negative thoughts. I hope tomorrow is better.

I was doing so much better today, then my mind started going. I can't bring myself to deal with the world, sometimes with the most basic of physical reality. So then I crave some kind of spiritual escape, but can't bring myself to it.

I'm going to bed soon; hopefully my subconscious can sort out part of this.

This needs a huge trigger warning, but I really need to get this out.

Feeling really depressed today. I was supposed to get together with a friend but she canceled on me again. I'm beginning to think she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It's really gotten me down.

Apparently having 9-10 hours of sleep a night isn't good enough for me. Seriously, why are naps so good? Sleep debt's still a thing, right? I didn't know it was that serious.

Winter Term at my school started today, so I'm back into the hubbub of it all. In terms of my emotions, I don't really know how I'm feeling right now. This could be the start of something better, but it could also just be a lapse in self-beration that I'm pretty sure that it actually is.

feel pretty good. still doing pre-holiday cleaning. I'm on a roll with it. this used to feel like hypomania. now, with advancing age, I don't seem to have enough energy for it to be called low-grade mania.

I wish I could get real hypomanic like I used to get. I'ld get so much done during those surges.

feeling pretty good.

(I keep feeling it's friday for some reason), probably due to lack of sleep

but yeah doing okay

Feeling OK, but depressed at times. A friend of mine left me a message this morning while I was at work. He said that he wants to get together; along with a couple of women, to talk about a group that we could put together. It will be at 5PM on Sunday. It's not a real good time for me. I would like to go, but like I said it's not a good time for me. So I feel down about that.

It's been slow at work lately. So that makes the day drag and makes me not feel too good about myself.

Feeling a bit better than yesterday, I actually felt happy today for a bit. But it ended up not lasting long though.

feeling low today,this morning it didnt help when a support staff who i hate with every fibre of my being was on shift with me,so i slept in i felt like rubbish,i got up at 2pm but he kept overloading me constantly talking with big words and making me feel ill,thankfully the next staff came on and i like her;she knows i dont like constant interaction,especially when she can see me focussing on something unlike the other staff who likes to hear himself talk in intellectual speak.

i feel very numb and have no hope for my future,i have spent every moment since i woke up on an autism forum trying to distract myself.

Depressed over lack of motivation. Can't seem to get myself off the couch to do anything. Feel like giving up.

An alright day today. I worked out and it went well. Went to the pool area and no one was there. Pretty cold outside. I prefer it that way than the warmer times when other people would bother me.

My laptop is once again not working. It's been at the repair shop twice already. It was working for a couple of days, but now not working again. At least I have my friend's old laptop, but the thing runs very slow. Also my friend called. He was at a play and it was intermission when he called. I didn't know that he was going out tonight. I don't know why he didn't tell me that last night. He said that he was going to a play tonight by email, but he sent it at the time I was working out.

This week has definitely been better in regards to work. The worse thing that did happen would be regarding a comment made from someone that made me upset since there could potentially be a bloodbath fight to get full time at work. The comment implied that I was not as perfect as them or I did not deserve it. That response was all just because I was making sure they finished a task taken away from me.. Other than that the work week has been overall well.

In regards to "friends" I was made upset more than once since Thanksgiving when it comes to not being invited when a couple of them do happen to do things together, and interactions where they end up making me think they don't like something about me, or I did something wrong in their eyes that I have no clue about. It can get really lonely at times. More specifically what they choose to say to me, their tone, not inviting me places, etc. Most of that stuff I feel I cannot express how I feel because I know how it will turn out, or in the end I will just feel even more stupid. Possibly even guilty, if the main things were fabricated by mental distortions. It just gets really sad sometimes that I can't always separate my self-worth from what they say, think, or do.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I've lost interest in trying to get disability, I am burnt out on taking meds, I've been spacing on my appointments and missing them; my therapist even told me 2day that I seem to be struggling more than I was a few months ago.

Maybe I need a med change. I know a lot of it is that I just want to be normal now, and not be a recovering alcoholic, or have bipolar or personality disorders, or chronic pain.

Sad ........

I just feel tired today. I can't seem to get anything done, at least in a normal pace. I keep getting distracted.

no money, no gf, no friends--actually worse than that-- they used to be there when i wasnt so depressed. Part time min wage job. Worst flu of my life gave me nothing but time to reflect on failures--what's worse is that they were all preventable.

wish someone would care, but i can't connect into their frantic happy energy modes.