Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Yesterday was an alright day. Last night a few little things didn't seem to go my way. My laptop still not home and I got talking to my friend. He was telling me that I could have done better with who I went with to have my laptop repaired. I feel bad that it was not working and not having it, but to be told that I should have done better added insult to injury.

And another friend called last night. It was nice talking to him but it was pretty short. He mentioned that he'd like to get together with me on Thanksgiving Evening. Sounds nice, except he said that he may have a woman with him whom I am not too crazy about.

The pool area last night had a little group in there so it didn't make it very nice for me. There had been people in there lately, even though it's gotten cooler. And they all were not that appealing to me.

I got my laptop back this morning. I took it home to plug it in and let it upload some more. So I'll see later on today if it's going to work well. Been feeling very depressed today and having some feelings of doom. I don't know why.

Just tired and exhausted. Other than that I'm fine.

I got to go see my primary doc this afternoon, to talk to him about my depression. He is such a great doctor, and he really trusts what I think. It helps that I've been seeing him my whole life (almost 30 years). I felt really listened to, more than I have from anyone lately. He listened to and discussed my thoughts like I was an adult. Imagine that! He supported my concerns about my antidepressants 100%, and we agreed on a change. I'm feeling some hope today, for the first time in w long time. There is some fear that this won't be better, but I'm holding on to the positive for today.

Got a bunch of pre-holiday house-cleaning done . . . . . and I feel great. I feel like I'm on a roll and will never be depressed again. Of course I've said that a thousand times before . . . . . and, sooner or later, the old black dog comes creepin back.

But - for me - nothing like getting my house in order to make me feel like I've got everything under control and life is good. Maybe this will last till New Year's.

I feel like a puppy abandoned at the roadside

no one cares what happens to me

Very depressed right now.

Doing Ok. Happy Thanksgiving.

I care what happens to you! I hope there's something that can help you.

I haven't been well these past few days. My eating is still out of control, I'm hemorrhaging money and can't even make myself care, and I'm sleeping 10-12 hours a day on strange hours. I have nothing to get out of bed for other than distraction.

We care!

Definitely feeling a disconnect from the people celebrating around me. Not surprising, but I am self-loathing a bit more than usual.

Some ups and downs like there were last year. I woke up not sure what I wanted to do, and withdrew from more family activity like I have been on holidays as long as I've been in my 20's. I feel guilty when I decline invites because they are trying to show that they care by offering more than a couple of times in order to remind me that I'm welcome to come. I get uncomfortable or I want alone time before I do anything for the day. Off and on insecurity about reassurance people actually still care or I didn't hurt their feelings from my withdrawing. It makes me feel like a sucky person. It feels very sad emotionally because it leads me to feel lonely and I don't want to come off as severely depressed when all I want is some reassurance. I don't want to start to feel suicidal again just because my not-so normal mind tells me that my emotional needs aren't being met. It gets so confusing I don't even know if everything I'm saying is actually the accurate truth.

Today was...a roller-coaster ride for me. After being off Cymbalta for financial reasons, I recently went back on it. But the constant dizzy spells prompted me to try going without it for two days. I got back on it yesterday after my family expressed concern.

Thanksgiving is always stressful for me anyway, largely because counter space in my kitchen is at a premium. Anyhow, after repeatedly knocking things to the floor, dropping my roll, and struggling to cut the turkey, I finally just broke down crying. The only thing that kept going through my mind is, "Normal, functioning people don't have this kind of trouble with things." All I could think of is my cousins who seem to have it all together and effortlessly manage a family and a job. And I was overwhelmed by the thought, "I've tried so hard all these years to be perfect, to not cause problems or give anyone a reason to criticize me. Yet here I am, unable to cut a turkey without difficulty."

I hate the stress of Thanksgiving, even though there were just three of us this time. My dad did all the prep work, like peeling potatoes, but he's in a wheelchair and can't help with the actual cooking. He's also the type who forgets that I've made cornbread dressing and pea salad before, so the morning was a lot of "You know you have to drain the peas," or "Don't forget to cook the vegetables before you add them to the dressing," or "You remembered to put poultry seasoning in this, right?" My brother works nights and informed me that the only help he would be giving me was to put the 22-pound turkey into the oven. So I did the actual cooking myself.

The ambrosia salad was actually pretty good, and my brother actually liked the cornbread dressing. I also saw a little green anole lizard in my windowsill when I was getting some bowls for storage and prep. We used to have anoles, so it was a nice treat to see this little guy so curious about our windowsill.

Today did turn out to be a pretty good day. I woke up feeling very depressed. My laptop is still down. It was ready from the shop yesterday and it just worked for a while but then it stopped working. Spent some time this morning with tech support but they could not help me. So I'll have to bring it back in tomorrow.

I did the laundry in the morning. Had lunch and then went on a two hour bike ride. Made the dinner for myself and it turned out good. I went to see my friend. He was nice to let me use his old laptop. So now I will not be without a laptop. But this one is hard to get used to.

Dinner was great last night. Now that that's out of the way, I need to figure out what to do for Christmas. Honestly, Christmas has been boring for me for 8 years now, but I've thought nothing of it until just recently. It's just been get the gifts, have fun with said gifts, and then treat the day likes it's just another day. So I'm thinking about researching how other countries celebrate it (or at least cook the food) in hopes of spicing things up. So far, I'm liking what Sweden and Croatia are doing.

I had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday with my daughter. But today I'm not feeling so good. My husband is in a gripey mood and it leaves me feeling the blame for it. I'm not but it feels like I am. Just a blah day.

Big hugs to whoever is feeling down these holidays Maybe things won't be so bad after all.

Woke up feeling depressed this morning. After breakfast I took my laptop to the store again (!) because it's not working. It may be about a week when it's ready again. Anyways, my friend was nice enough to let me use his old laptop that he doesn't use and does not need. It's old and runs very slow. But it's better than nothing.

Just did some errands today and that's about it.

Feeling a little down tonight.

Had the worst day in a while. But I'm still alive, so that's a plus I guess.

Had a nice Thanksgiving day yesterday.Tonight I just feel empty and down.

In some situations, hope is such a scary concept to me. It can be so unpredictable it hurts, and the suspense is the worst part. Part of me just wants to convulse and cry just thinking about it. That's probably why some of my bad days get so bad: I still have that little thought on the back of my mind: "Everything is going so well so far. Maybe I can finally move on- start living life almost as if this doesn't affect me anymore". Hope is a necessary reflex, but a painful and perplexing curse.

feeling okay for the most part

all that christmas music I think

makes you feel good

I felt very depressed when I got up this morning but felt better when the day progressed. Was busy with housecleaning and shopping. Went to see my friend briefly today. He seemed a bit out of it. I was going to go for a bike ride, but it rained. I wish that the rain waited until evening. It's night now and it's nice and clear.

feeling bad and no one to commiserate with.