Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

Pretty depressed today. A friend cancelled our plans for the day. And with the election I'm anxious about the future of the nation.

You guys are all important and worth living... I want you to remember that

Going to see Dr. Strange in theaters tonight with my boyfriend and father-in-law. Looking forward to it!

A slow day at work today. Normally on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would go on a bike ride after work. I won't be doing that because the sun is setting early now. I miss taking that bike ride. It helped me a lot. Having some anxiety about the election, of who is going to win.

Not too much in depressive feelings today, so that's good. Feeling tired but it maybe because of the weather being so very warm today. I prefer cooler weather. It's ridiculous that it's about 90 degrees in November.

Lots of guilt cropped up. I'm kind of detached from it, though, from a lot of things right now. Not depressed, just...numb. I guess that's better than freaking out like I was days ago.

things are okay

not great, but okay

surviving

****** day. Didn't help to watch the election last night (political junkie) so I'm avoiding the news. So tired, so much pain, so alone.

Going to an AA meeting, going to call my brother and sister, going to edit my son's paper for school, and I have to grade 23 projects and essays today. Ha.

One day at a time has become one hour at a time.

Alone, sad, and in a lot of physical pain from my injuries.

Not hopeful. I keep trying to maintain at least a sliver of a positive outlook, but seems right when I feel like I might be gaining traction with that, something always comes along and just curb stomps the **** out of it.

Right now I'm worried about my country's future, mainly how the next four years are going to pan out. I'm very scared what little progress we have made will be undone.

I had a dream last night my estranged aunt (who my dad drunkenly slept with just over two years ago, subsequently ruining mine and my mom's lives) was at our house and trying to do something for my twentieth birthday (which was the 7th).

What a way to begin a new decade of life.

I don't have hope for the future, not for this country or myself.

Not good right now.

A real whirlwind of a day today with craziness. At work yesterday UPS came just after I left for the day but did not deliver anything because I was not in. A woman at my job was expecting something and she had told me ahead of time to put it in her office. She didn't get the package and was very upset. She's not a nice person and I think that she likes to make a mountain out of a molehill with me because she doesn't like me. Nobody likes her.

And, on Saturday, I plan to meet with a RE Agent. I want to sell my place and get out of where I live. There is some craziness with that. There's one incident about it at where I live, but it's too involved to explain. Right now I think that there's already a ray of hope for a good deal, but I'm not betting on it. Perhaps I maybe misunderstanding of what I heard and I don't want to build up a possibility of a false hope. And now I feel depressed about the whole thing.

Just numb. And seemingly disconnected from the world around me.

Apathetic. Not really depressed, but might as well be. I'm falling asleep.

Just sad today. 😖 To many thoughts.

I've been the same for the past few days. My fault really for neglecting to take my meds...I'm running low, and wanted to try to see how I could function without them. At least I haven't been dumping every thought online. I'm actually proud of that.

I had a question: can restlessness be a part of depression? I so often see people describe their depression as involving slowing down, not having the energy to take care of oneself or do anything at all...meanwhile I'm here, and while yes, I self-neglect to a degree, I'm hyped up a lot of the time. My thoughts race like a news ticker, medication or not. I binge on food; I walk around just to do something and stay up late because I'm just restless. I'm near-incapable of relaxing: I need to be doing something, even if it's just a false feelng of accomplishment from stuff like online posting, watching lists of videos... Even if internally, I'm so miserable I don't see why I should bother existing. I'm physically depressed, feel like I'm going to cry, or rage, or like I want to destroy something. There are always negative feelings boiling just under the surface (heck, maybe that's where the energy comes from). And I absolutely drown in self-loathing. But I'm not slowed down. Just frustrated and distracted.

Oh, and before someone calls me a ***** with no real problems, all of this can easily get suppressed if a real emergency did happen. I can step out of myself enough to cope with serious, real-world personal issues. But it seems this self-generated, origin-less distress will always come back, no matter how good things are going.

Maybe all of your "busyness" is your minds way of coping. You are not allowing the negative thoughts to control you so you have to stay busy. Walking is supposed to be good for depression so that may help you. That seems to be working for you even if it is a little. I believe your problems are very real and you find positive ways to try and handle them.

One day the bullies will be tormented and then they will have an idea of what they've done to others. Until then, they will remain ignorant.

I'm destroyed but no one cared, People actually made my life worse. They knew exactly what they were doing and continued doing it. Sounds insane to me.

Sorry if I am wrong, but when you say restlessness you imply anxiety, as well? Because I kind of experience what you say but I experience this as anxiety

So this week is my exam. Basically it's the moment that will define if I can be a medical intern at my country or if I have too look somewhere else, or wait and do it all again next year or find other line of work.
A couple of years ago every medical student who finished medical school at my country could continue the formation working in the country. But because of bad planning by the people in top positions there are now much more candidates than places.
Nothing matters to this selection. Just the grade on this stupid, unfair and random exam.
I have been working hard, spending much of my time studying. Nothing else going on in my life... And now it's clear that I should have invested on learning foreign languages.
I am sad and I don't want to put my life on hold. I want to move forward. I am afraid my grade want be good enough. Everyone works hard, almost everyone is smart. I don't deserve more or less but some of us, maybe me, will be very disappointed.

I've been in a really bad way today - all kinds of existential depression and anxiety. It feels so pointless to get upset over this stuff, but I can't help hurting. I actually had a good cry earlier this evening which helped a lot, but my thoughts were still going, mainly on "What's the point of having ideals and striving for them, when the only meaning or value they can possibly have is for our own, inexplicable need and desire for fulfilment?" Where does all of that desire and perception even really come from? Why do we have it? Is it just a pointless and empty accident? I feel there are things worth striving for, that idealism and effort is a good thing, but...why? Mostly I cling so hard because it's the only thing that lets me feel alive, and the idea that it's a pointless endeavor hurts too much. And of course, I'm too ashamed of that pain.

I need to stop thinking - plenty of times the thoughts are negative (see above), so it doesn't really help. If there's any coping it's more coping with emptiness than sadness. Maybe it is anxiety. Really though it's more just a need to be moving, to be expending energy somehow. It seems to conflict with the usual image of a depressed person being numb and listless. To me it's more like I'm so mentally and emotionally hopped up it hurts, especially when many of the thoughts are negative, sad, frightening, paralyzing in some way.

After the first time my T and I met, he told me I come across as a very reflective and sensitive person. "And the world isn't always easy on sensitive and reflective people."

i was fine, and it recurred.

#whatisnew

hi PC! i recognise some people... been away for too long.

You all deserve to feel good

And welcome back herethennow

Feeling down today. My friend cancelled on me again. It's about the fourth time in a row. It's leaving me feeling alone and unloved.

the day starts.

it all gets wasted

it ends

I can't sleep

it starts again

this is my current status

I discovered these forums yesterday. It was surprisingly calming. I kight stick around for a little while.

Feeling terrible today. Very unheard. I've brought up my premenstrual depression in a couple of therapy sessions and with my psychiatrist, but I realize after yesterday's appointment that neither is hearing me. I feel like they just think I'm exaggerating "normal" symptoms. But it gets bad, and I don't see either of them for 2 weeks, and I'm being dragged down into it now. I cried the whole way to work this morning. I just don't know what to do right now.