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  #826  
Old Jan 30, 2017, 09:46 AM
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Improving.
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  #827  
Old Jan 30, 2017, 01:05 PM
Anonymous37914
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Originally Posted by will19 View Post
I've noticed that from a previous post I did (about Ennui's cat), I got some hugs and thanks. But after that I made this post and only got one hug. It got me thinking that I may have cringed a lot of people. If I did, then I'm sorry. I looked at the post long after I posted it and felt like I cringed myself. I felt like I wished that I didn't post it. I did feel very bad after talking to her yesterday; and felt a sense that something could be wrong and rejection. It's very notorious in my family to keep secrets and lie.

Anyways I called my sister again today. She sounded better. She tells me that she spends a lot of time with her son who's on a High School Wrestling team; and they travel a lot for meets. It's not the only time that she spends a lot of time with him and her daughter. There are times when I wonder if she's overly involved with her children. But anyways, I do feel that she has done a better job caring for her kids than my late mother and father did for me. My parents didn't get nearly involved with me and my brothers.

I felt better talking to her today. She told me that she will try call me more often.
Hi. I just want to let you know that I am really glad you did post. I just haven't been well enough to respond until now. I am missing my sweetheart quite badly, and your post about Puffy touched me, because I can relate so well. Chloe was like a friend to me too, and I am very familiar of the loneliness of living in a toxic environment... I still do. She saw me through so many hard times in my life, including my self-injury, hospital stay, my grandma's passing, another cat's passing, and when my immediate family fell out with each other. It just feels so weird not having her here. It's all a void. But I just wanted to say I really do appreciate that post and I'm sorry if my delayed response left you feeling rejected.
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  #828  
Old Jan 30, 2017, 02:57 PM
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Angelique67 Angelique67 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disparaissant View Post
My mom passed away a few hours ago.... it was so awful watching her struggle today, she struggled for the past few months.. but I felt so helpless watdhing her trying to breathe. I'm feeling horrible to think of how she may have been feeling, I so wish she could have died peacefully and easily. I don't think I will sleep for days, I feel almost traumatized watching what she went through. Makes you realiz4 that all the arguments, blaming, I wish I could take that all back. How everything that we think is so important is insignificant in the end, how we just want the ones we love to know how much they are loved.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETA: I'm getting increasingly fearful of this happening in my life. My mom - I'm terrified of when she might go.

Last edited by Angelique67; Jan 30, 2017 at 03:01 PM. Reason: ETA
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  #829  
Old Jan 30, 2017, 03:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ennui. View Post
Hi. I just want to let you know that I am really glad you did post. I just haven't been well enough to respond until now. I am missing my sweetheart quite badly, and your post about Puffy touched me, because I can relate so well. Chloe was like a friend to me too, and I am very familiar of the loneliness of living in a toxic environment... I still do. She saw me through so many hard times in my life, including my self-injury, hospital stay, my grandma's passing, another cat's passing, and when my immediate family fell out with each other. It just feels so weird not having her here. It's all a void. But I just wanted to say I really do appreciate that post and I'm sorry if my delayed response left you feeling rejected.
I can't find your post about your cat, but I'm really sorry. Losing my wonder cat in 1999 was one of the most horrible pains I've ever been through.
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  #830  
Old Jan 30, 2017, 06:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by disparaissant View Post
My mom passed away a few hours ago.... it was so awful watching her struggle today, she struggled for the past few months.. but I felt so helpless watdhing her trying to breathe. I'm feeling horrible to think of how she may have been feeling, I so wish she could have died peacefully and easily. I don't think I will sleep for days, I feel almost traumatized watching what she went through. Makes you realiz4 that all the arguments, blaming, I wish I could take that all back. How everything that we think is so important is insignificant in the end, how we just want the ones we love to know how much they are loved.
I am very sorry for your loss.
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  #831  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 12:16 AM
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It was a pretty good day for me. I was pretty busy at work. Today was the first day that the maintenance man is out. There were a few little things to do with his job. But I was pretty busy at my end today. I was feeling emotionally OK.

Also, what really made my day was that I got my result from the blood test I had last week. It turned out to be very good. I don't have to go back to the doctor for now to take medication. I hope it continues that way.

On a lighter note, here's a link of a photo of a white Persian cat that I found on the net that looks the most like Puffy, my late cat. It's not Puffy, but of all the photos of seen of white Persian cats, this one comes the closest.

cute-white-persian-cat-wallpaper-background-hd ? Background Wallpaper HD
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  #832  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 12:46 AM
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I cried a lot last night according to my mom. I don't really remember crying that much. I do know that I didn't get out of bed until it was dark out so I guess I slept all day. I'm numb right now for some reason.
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  #833  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 04:56 AM
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The past 2 days have been really hard. There are so many things I need to do but I can't seem to get it together.
I got 3-4 hours of sleep last night and woke up with a headache (I've been having headaches almost everyday this month)
I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. I've been trying really hard to use healthy coping skills and challenge myself in different ways lately; but quitting self-destructive behaviors is making things more painful than before (as ironic as it sounds), because now I can actually FEEL them. I've been making myself emotionally numb for so long and now that I'm trying to avoid that, I'm feeling everything at once and I feel like crying all time. Also, being able to feel the pain again is bringing back some repressed memories.
I know I'm doing the right thing and that I need to feel these things in order to let them go, but I feel emotionally drained all the time and it's keeping me from doing other things.
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  #834  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 09:49 AM
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I'm doing pretty good.
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  #835  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 11:21 AM
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Jumping in if you guys don't mind... doing ok. Extremely tired though and do not have the motivation to do much of anything lately. I just want to sleep.
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  #836  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 11:22 AM
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huge hugs @snowflake20
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  #837  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 11:23 AM
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I'm so sorry for your loss @disparaissant hugs to you.
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  #838  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 11:48 AM
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I'm down today because im seeing my gp regarding my psych meds and he doesn't understand why I have to go back to generics because the copays for branded ones cost too much. I don't like disagreements so this is stressful.
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  #839  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 04:38 PM
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Aww. :3 Will, I've always loved Persian cats, they are beautiful. I'm sure Puffy was incredibly beautiful also.

In other news, I've found a rather unlikely way of coping with the loss of my Chloe - it's now been 6 days - and that is watching a kitten live stream on YouTube. By no means am I wanting another cat already, but it helps to see cats alive and being playful. When they get all jumpy it makes me smile a bit. It's called Kitten Academy, and here's the link if anyone wants to check it out:
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  #840  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 05:18 PM
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Feeling better.
  #841  
Old Jan 31, 2017, 10:07 PM
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I wish he'ld say he was glad to have me.
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  #842  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 12:29 AM
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I didn't do too much today. Washed some clothes and helped with the kids homework. It wasn't my laziest day but it wasn't anywhere near productive. I guess I feel stuck as I have said before and that I don't seem to be making any progress towards my own personal goals. I just don't have the drive at the best of times and it is almost physically painful at the worst of times.
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  #843  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 12:33 AM
Anonymous41141
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Yesterday was a "feel good" kind of a day, which does not happen to me very often. Today, as I figured it would be, was more of a letdown. It wasn't as busy at work today and some people I encountered with seemed like downers.

There are times I think things over and realize that lately people irritate me. I wonder if it's just me; and that there's something wrong with me to make me feel that way? It didn't seem that way in the past.
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  #844  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 05:25 AM
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Around 45 minutes ago (4:20am) the janitor was out, shoveling, right outside my windows. He's trying to scare me again. They have been trying as careful as they can to not trigger me in obvious ways that other people could hear. My pdoc said last year that they wouldn't kill me because it's too much trouble - well I think it wouldn't be much trouble at all. The janitor probably does you- know-what just thinking about it.

Hopefully I'll know soon which I should do first - the massive dental stuff, or my move. If there's a place that's really inexpensive to have awful dental work done in my target city, I could be ready to move this weekend.
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  #845  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 06:27 AM
Anonymous44144
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Still struggling with depression and panic attacks. No sign of improvement. Having difficulty taking self care like a shower, though I did take one y'day. The haunting, sinking and empty feelings make life colorless for me. Still keeping the faith.
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  #846  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 11:05 AM
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Clara22 Clara22 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by will19 View Post
Yesterday was a "feel good" kind of a day, which does not happen to me very often. Today, as I figured it would be, was more of a letdown. It wasn't as busy at work today and some people I encountered with seemed like downers.

There are times I think things over and realize that lately people irritate me. I wonder if it's just me; and that there's something wrong with me to make me feel that way? It didn't seem that way in the past.
People irritate me, as well. I am increasingly irritable.
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Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. Vaclav Havel
  #847  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 11:06 AM
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Clara22 Clara22 is offline
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Originally Posted by Angelique67 View Post
Around 45 minutes ago (4:20am) the janitor was out, shoveling, right outside my windows. He's trying to scare me again. They have been trying as careful as they can to not trigger me in obvious ways that other people could hear. My pdoc said last year that they wouldn't kill me because it's too much trouble - well I think it wouldn't be much trouble at all. The janitor probably does you- know-what just thinking about it.

Hopefully I'll know soon which I should do first - the massive dental stuff, or my move. If there's a place that's really inexpensive to have awful dental work done in my target city, I could be ready to move this weekend.
you mean you are going to move in another place?
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Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. Vaclav Havel
  #848  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 01:15 PM
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Don't feel like doing anything.
  #849  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 01:44 PM
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I currently feel like I'm a horrible excuse for a human being. I am hope it passes or this is going to be a very down day.
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  #850  
Old Feb 01, 2017, 01:49 PM
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Angelique67 Angelique67 is offline
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Originally Posted by Clara22 View Post
you mean you are going to move in another place?
Yes. I was looking for places to move over a year ago, and there are a lot of buildings where I want to move, but it's more expensive than here.

My psychosis got very bad around a year ago, when they were openly torturing me. I had a horrible delusion about my friend. But hopefully I'll figure out where to go, away from here. I could still go to the police I guess, but they treated me like crap as soon as I stupidly told them my diagnosis. But the thefts happened so I know the creep from downstairs was in here. It wasn't a hallucination.
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