Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

I so often feel the same way, these last few years

I'll tell you why (one reason, I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's important enough to be said again...)
Most methods do not succeed.., in most cases the person does not die, but may be seriously and permanently damaged physically. also, you as all of us are (and **** any abusers who say otherwise) are a valuable human being

I seriously hope I'm not still "alive" in another 10 years

I think I've almost gained enough "wisdom" for one lifetime



(Btw as said before I'm "old" )

I'm getting older too. I'm having a hard time .. did my best with Thanksgiving and get my bf walking out in the middle of the night and I think he's leaving me for good. Wish I could type my feelings but this phone leaves me exhausted typing like this. Hugs to you all here... depression and all mental illness is more struggle than most could understand.

I am doing rather well today.

binge eating is letting me down a little, but pretty good apart from that

I feel like I have lost my mom to depression now, after also losing myself to the same thing.

Definitely feeling down, didn't get enough sleep or say prayers, read scriptures or do yoga. Yeah, I'm feeling depressed.

I feel terrible today. Was sick all weekend, still feeling like crap. It got worse this morning when I got up to go to work. Laying around the house makes it easy to think you're better. Work is frustrating me, I just want to go back home and go back to bed. I'm so tired and feel like I'm just on the edge of a breakdown today.

I'm still here, that's good right ?!

Why do you think it's wrong? For me, its effect is totally negative. It hurts and discourages others. It steals from me the mysteries held by the future.

I know how it feels to hurt so badly I just want the pain to be over. But pain is an effective teacher, howbeit a hard taskmaster.

Please stay with us. We all need one another to hang in there...

Mondays should be illegal...

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better.

I have "friends" and family, but still feel alone... Maybe others feel alone too and I just don't see it. Sometimes faking it wears you out...

I couldn't figure out my password over the weekend to get online from home...

Weekend was tolerable and I thought today would be the beginning of a better week.

Not so much... Was totally messed up by a client who stopped by. She and her mother are about to be homeless. Nothing I can do. Why does that make me feel so guilty?

I'm feeling agitated , so I'm down but irritated strange feeling. Took my second round of supplements to try to boost my mood. I'd like to send this to my ex.

Today was back to work day after a week off. I didn't feel like going but I went anyways. It turned out to be a nice day at work. Not very busy because it's a holiday.

Still feeling very anxious and depressed. I have some decisions to make in the future that seem very overwhelming to me. I feel like I got a lot lined up and dreading every one of them. I'll try to take it a little bit at a time.

Just went on a bike ride after work. A nice day for it.

Im having a good day today. This sounds crazy, but I bought some Wonder Woman knickers and I'm wearing them today for the first time. They're like something Sheldon would wear, but I don't care! they make me happy! Really glad no one else can see them though

Didn't take seroquel last night because I thought it was making me too tired so took melatonin instead and didn't sleep much at all, only one sleep cycle . Not good.

My day is not going well. I need to be at home in bed where it's safe. Instead I'm at work for another 5ish hours. I'm not coping.

Flat on my back. Physically and emotionally today

The usual guilt.

A down day today. Not as down as some days but still down.

Yesterday was the first day in some time I did not cut. My oldest wounds on my arm are healing nicely. I just have to keep telling myself that I didn't cut yesterday so I don't have to cut today

Feeling pretty good today. Just a little anxiety. I've accomplished a lot this morning but I'm feeling tired now. It's time to rest.

I just don't care anymore. I'm so tired of having to try to make people at work keep their word and stick to their responsibilities. Why is it my problem if they don't want to make any changes? It just drains my energy to work harder than they do at this. Even home life I don't care about anymore. If my boyfriend is going to work longer hours, so be it. What weight does my opinion have? None. And why would anybody care if I don't have the drive to keep myself and my apartment up. I don't. It's just not worth it. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much effort I put into something, it never matters anyway.

I'm worried about my physical health. My gp isn't pushing for tests yet but I'm so stubborn. I can see in the mirror the evidence of kidney problems. . Cheek bags are getting bigger and the whole pelvic area is hurting. Gall bladder should be out by now but I'm chicken **** about what else they might find. It would be my own fault because i couldn't quit smoking. Trying to quit cold turkey tonight but i want to smoke because i feel so stressed. I'd also love to tie one on tonight... realizing i have addiction issues. Ironically i don't feel like dying but I'm purposely making my own health worse. Tinnitus and pain don't even matter now, i just wish i could spend the rest of my life in peace on a beach with my bf and knowing my kids are doing well. I should stop whining. This whole world is suffering. Wish sometimes that everyone could live in peace. Imagine.
And i miss a friend. I'd really love to see you tonight. Maybe life is all a dream.

You know that thing about being depression-prone where happiness feels wrong? That's what I was experiencing on the bus ride home this evening, and I'm just keeping the existential segues at bay. It's cowardly, but it's also pointlessly painful.

I knew meaning and value are subjective, but I guess it hit me full-force just how subjective. Months ago, I felt no drive, no reason to keep going because I could only see shame and misery and hopeless emptiness ahead of me. Right now, I feel motivated to do all kinds of amazing things with my life - though I'm just still aware of that emptiness and self-loathing deep at the bottom of my heart. I doubt it will ever go away. Hell, I was raging so much yesterday, there's no way it's all gone because I got a job offer and might be able to move out soon.

This excitement and drive doesn't feel right. Like any second something awful is going to happen, some philosophical bogeyman is going to devour me, something outside myself is going to overwhelm me again. I actually want to be morose and anxious again. Really I think I'm just emotionally confused at the moment. I'll probably be numb again soon enough.