Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

What is the point in trying to get better? I have tried medication and I have tried therapy. The meds make me feel worse than I did and sometimes they even make me psychotic. Therapy only brings to light things that are best left buried.

Thank you... she died later that evening

So sorry to hear that! I know how upsetting that can be. My parents had a cat named Puffy, who was a white Persian cat. There was a brief time I lived with my parents. I felt that Puffy was the nicest and more supportive to me than my family were. There were many lonely nights when I lived with my parents; and Puffy kept me company. If it were not for Puffy, I probably would not have made it. I got the feeling that he felt more comfortable with me than with my parents.

I left home when Puffy was alive. I had to leave my parents because I felt like they were abusive and I was very unhappy living there. A week or so later after I left, my father told me that Puffy got sick. They took him to the Vets and he got better.

A couple of years later, he passed away. I was a long way from home when that happened. It upset me a lot. I was more upset than when other people I knew passed away. Sorry if I'm going on too much about the cat. After all those years I think about Puffy everyday.

It was a very busy day today. Nothing exciting socially. I felt like I had worked very hard in housecleaning today. The hardest thing I did today was to wash the floor of the patio. It got very dirty from the recent rain storms that was in my area.

I called my sister today. I had not heard from her in a while. She was telling me that she has not been able to call because she's been very busy and tired. It's gotten to the point that I get very sick of hearing that. I hear that all of the time. And I hear when she calls me. Also she does not sound very good. She says that she's fine, but she sounds tired a lot. She would drift off to sleep when I talk to her. She always does that. I felt very depressed after talking to her. It's gotten to the point that I'd rather not hear from her anymore.

I generally feel tired today.

I am depressed.

Been experiencing depression and haunting panic attacks the past few days. Still keeping the faith that I will make it one day.

As a kid I had a dog which I called Guddu and when it died after 14 yrs, I was very heartbroken. I would grieve for it for yrs after that.

I am depressed.

Does this ever end? For me apparently not. Hasn't let up in 20 years. And I don't think that it ever will.

I'm feeling really depressed today. With all the weight I've gained and this unrelenting depression I just don't feel like doing anything so I just lay on the couch watching tv.

So sorry about your cat, Ennui.

I've noticed that from a previous post I did (about Ennui's cat), I got some hugs and thanks. But after that I made this post and only got one hug. It got me thinking that I may have cringed a lot of people. If I did, then I'm sorry. I looked at the post long after I posted it and felt like I cringed myself. I felt like I wished that I didn't post it. I did feel very bad after talking to her yesterday; and felt a sense that something could be wrong and rejection. It's very notorious in my family to keep secrets and lie.

Anyways I called my sister again today. She sounded better. She tells me that she spends a lot of time with her son who's on a High School Wrestling team; and they travel a lot for meets. It's not the only time that she spends a lot of time with him and her daughter. There are times when I wonder if she's overly involved with her children. But anyways, I do feel that she has done a better job caring for her kids than my late mother and father did for me. My parents didn't get nearly involved with me and my brothers.

I felt better talking to her today. She told me that she will try call me more often.

A pretty busy day today but very lonely. I went to church at the Sunday School class. It was alright. Not many showed up and it seems like there have been different guys every week. I find that to be difficult to develop any kind of relationship when this happens.

Took a bike ride for two hours and twenty minutes. It was a perfect day to be outside. All blue skies and about 70 degrees with no wind.

After I got back I called on a friend, but just left a message. I thought that we could get together late this afternoon. We had talked about it. I guess it's not going to happen. And then I called on another friend long-distance. Once again, just left a message. This all reminds me of that song,
"All By Myself" by Eric Carmen.

It was my birthday. Today. Yesterday.
I got to have lunch with my family. My siblings, my parents, my grandparents, my youngest cousins and their parents. I had them, because I wanted them to be there. But today I was feeling so indiferent towards everything.
It is so strange to see people showing that they like you, giving you presents and me feeling just like...Ok, whatever.
I drove my grandparents home and I stayed a bit with my grandmother in the car. She told me that she has many grandchildren, but me and my siblings are her true grandchildren... We live close to her and we spend time talking to her, my cousins don't do that.
I feel "bad" because I can't like people as much as they like me. And I know I will and that I am always disapointing them because I don't care. It puts some pressure on me, also, I don't want to disapoint them, I don't want to make them sad. I just feel like I should say to them that they shouldn't invest so much on me. Because I can't love them as much as they love me.

Sometimes letting someone love you is the most loving thing you can do. Just let them love you.

Later on, the two friends called me back. It was nice talking to them but it seemed like it could have been better. My local friend, who I thought I would get together with, called me first. He was OK but he sounded very tired. He was still more energetic than my sister is. It's just that he had a very hard working day, so he didn't seem like himself. Also he did not talk very long to me.

And then my other long-distance friend called back. It was nicer talking to him since he was more understanding with me. He seemed to be on my side on how I felt about filling in for the Maintenance man at work starting tomorrow; and not receiving the result from the blood test as that was promised to me.

I went to the pool area tonight. It was nice at first and then some people had to come in and ruined it for me. So typical at where I live.

Happy Birthday! 🎂🍻

My mom passed away a few hours ago.... it was so awful watching her struggle today, she struggled for the past few months.. but I felt so helpless watdhing her trying to breathe. I'm feeling horrible to think of how she may have been feeling, I so wish she could have died peacefully and easily. I don't think I will sleep for days, I feel almost traumatized watching what she went through. Makes you realiz4 that all the arguments, blaming, I wish I could take that all back. How everything that we think is so important is insignificant in the end, how we just want the ones we love to know how much they are loved.

I slept all day today. I love sleep. My life has a habit of falling apart when I'm awake.
I am in Day 5 of a month off. I've given myself these 5 days to catch up on sleep.
Tomorrow, I pick myself up. Dust myself off. And go to public mental health.

I'm better. If I get up later after the sun's up and apply myself, I'll get back to being okay. Last two days were bad.

(((((disparaissant))))) I'm very sorry that you've lost your mom.

Hi
I did not see that post of yours you are talking about but, please, don't be sorry, you did not offend anyone. I think this should be a space where we feel free to express our emotions, our thoughts.

But if you don't want to disappoint them is because you love them. Sometimes, when I "don't feel anything" in fact I am blocking my emotions. It is not I don't have them but they don't come to the surface. My sister, who was always too connected with her emotions, started to "feel nothing" after getting cancer. She said somehow her mind blocked the emotions to defend itself. I do not know if this is useful for you but I wanted to tell you.
Sending you a big belated hug for your birthday

I am sending you a big hug, disparaissant. What you say is true