[confused4ever]

Sucks it is lonliness, darkness.........feels like I am in quicksand and cannot get out!!!! There has to be a way to stop the pain!!!

[wickedwings]

(((((confused4ever))))) i'm here. i know exactly what this feels like. i know how hard it is. you're not alone..... we're here.

[confused4ever]

Thanks adn (((huga))))

Pain eases with pills.......temp maybe, but only ting that helps somethimes.....

[stefano]

yes, pills help, but pills + therapy work better... did you try?

[confused4ever]

I have theraopy.........my T didn't fail me, I failed me............pills help stop the feelings for alittle bit............takes away that heavy blanket feeling

[wickedwings]

i know how you feel. it's not your fault, really. i had therapy, but it never pulled me through and out of my depression, even though i learned plenty through self-help books. nothing got me out. i hope you find something that works. i really do.

[debbie_tabor]

(((((((confused4ever)))))))) We're here for you.

[confused4ever]

I ended up calling my T last night........he was the on call therapist anyway when I called the number...... I tool to many vicadin, and still feel like I want more........it helps me forget......it deadens the pain.........it stops the nightmares.........and they have been awful lately.........I just want it all to go away........I don't want to feel anymore.......nothing!!

[debbie_tabor]

Hey, ((((((((confused4ever))))))))) for as long as it takes. It's good that you rang your therapist. If you get the on call therapist can you ask for yours to ring you back?

I'm concerned that you took too many vicodin and want to take more. Please keep safe.

The hospital is a safe place and they can protect you from what you're going through. People here understand desparation and how it feels to want it all to stop. Hang in there with us.

Debbie

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( confused )))))))))))))))

[confused4ever]

Yes, I can call and have my T contacted and he will call me. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to drowned it all........I started already with the vicadin today........it has to end the pain............

[Soidhonia]

Hello ((( Con))). I am sorry that you are struggling at this time. it is good however that you called your therapist. I will be in chat Tuesday afternoon if you can make some time to chat. Please try to stay safe and call your therapist if needed the hotline number is 1-800-273-TALK as well if you need someone to talk to in person. Is there someone you can call to stay with you at this time so you dont have to be alone at this time, or that can come and get you out of the house for a while? Call someone to come and stay with you at this time if needed. Take care. Soidhonia

[confused4ever]

I am not worth it, who wants to be with me. I can't stand being me anymore, when I was young I would hide from everyone after they used me, I can't find a place to hide anymore.........there is no use!!

[debbie_tabor]

You are worth it. You can't comprehend that right now, but you are.

You may feel like your husband and daughter are better off without you. THIS IS NOT TRUE. This is your depression and your pain speaking. Sometimes when we want to escape, we want to believe they will be better off without us. Again, THIS IS NOT TRUE.

Try to hang on to the fact it won't always be like this. Soidhonia has made some good suggestions, please act on them if you can. Tell someone plain and simple that you can't take it any more. Tell them you are taking too much vicodin to numb the pain.

Can you tell your husband how you feel so that he can sort out help for you? Any of the people you hang out with when you feel less worthless will want to help you.

I know your therapist didn't take action when you said you'd discussed your own eulogy with the minister. But he did say to get in touch with him before your next appointment if you needed to. And you do need to. And you are worth it. If he isn't available, tell the stand-in that you can't take it any more. Sometimes you have to be very direct with these people to get the help you need.

Please take care,
Debbie

((((((((confused4ever)))))))

[debbie_tabor]

And if that's just too much to think about, read Okie's e-mail ('Hope'), dial 911 and go to the emergency room.

[confused4ever]

I am so afraid to go to the hospital, I know I need it. Afraid they will lock me up!!! Today is a struggle, I told my T in email last night that I don't want anyone to help anymore, I go to be alone to just think and my husband sends the kids to be with me, I yell at them, they all keep touching and grabbing me and I can't stand it today.........I just want to be by myself!!!! My T wants me to go in on Tuesday instead of Friday or tomorrow, I don't even want to do that, he says my emotions are all stirred up and I need to talk about it.......I don't even want to talk right now about it all..........quote from someone on her that fits how I feel " I don't want to live, but am afraid to die"

[debbie_tabor]

I haven't been in hospital so I can't say what it's like. Maybe someone else on PC can help out there. I was in a partial hospitalisation program (you go home at night). People in the program who felt suicidal or 'unsafe' would spend a few nights in the hospital. They all seemed fine about it when they came back, except for one negative report about one hospital - the other three I know about are good. If you're anywhere near Boston in MA, Mass General and McLean are meant to be excellent. Your therapist will probably be able to recommend somewhere.

I think the general attitude in hospitals is that you work with your case manager to decide when you are OK to go home. I suspect you would be on a locked ward but this doesn't mean you are going to be locked up and they will throw away the key! The staff need to know who is coming and going - or else why be there to be safe in the first place. The people who came back to the partial program from the hospital still had thoughts about suicide but felt in less imminent danger of doing anything to themselves. You'll only be there until you feel safer.

It sounds like your husband realises you're struggling. Have you talked to him about it? Your family just want to keep you safe, but I can understand you wanting to be alone.

I'd strongly encourage you to go see your therapist as soon as you can. It's great that he's realised the gravity of the situation and will see you sooner. Would it help if you just talked about how you feel right now and not about all the stuff that caused it? I imagine just telling him about your struggle to go on will help you emotionally. If you decide not to go in the hospital he may be able to see you more often to keep you afloat. Maybe just being there with him will help.

I think alot of people here feel like that " I don't want to live, but am afraid to die". I'm afraid to die, and when I really acknowledge it I know it would destroy my parents and my sister if I killed myself. One of my friends said she couldn't see the point in working or doing anything in life because there's no point in living. My reponse was that if she couldn't kill herself, then she at least needed to be earning money or life would be far more unbearable. The moral of this story is that, harsh though it sounds, if you are alive right now you need to find a way to make it more comfortable (without the danger of killing yourself with vicodin!) It seems to me that getting support from your therapist and/or a hospital would be the way to go. What do you think?

Hang on in there,
Debbie

[confused4ever]

Life sucks!!!! I had a fight with my T and right now I don't care if I don't ever go bck to him. He doesn't get it, how much it hurts. He says he is frustrated with me, not mad at me just frustrated that I continue to hurt myself......I don't know.............confused..........he wants me to open doors and feel pain I don't want to, I am pushing the shut and he is trying to shove them open..............

[stefano]

The therapist being frustrated demonstrates his caring, don't you think?
And I'm afraid he is perfectly right about those doors.
Listen: holding the doors closed is eliminating the pain?
No, it just keeps it in the background. Can you afford a background pain for the rest of your life?
And you KNOW that those doors aren't tight and solid enough. The pain will reach you sooner or later. Better face it in therapy rather than have it stumble upon you unexpected at the next depression-triggering event.

If you had a bad T, he would let you indulge in pointless ruminations and take your money forever. I think you have a good T. Work with him.

The best of luck

[debbie_tabor]

I think you should have a choice as to if and when to open the doors, and it would be good if you came to an agreement with your T about that. An agreement to go at your pace. But as Stefano says, you will probably have to face it at some point. Can your T explain to you why he's pushing you? Maybe it will make sense. I like your analogy of you pushing the door shut and him trying to shove it open. Did you say that to him? Maybe he doesn't realise how hard you feel he is pushing you.

Your T is frustrated with you hurting yourself - what do you mean by this? Mentally or physically beating yourself up about what happened? Is it that he can see you hurting yourself about what happened and he is frustrated because he cares about you, and doesn't think you should be hurting yourself?

Debbie

[confused4ever]

I know that I will have to go through that door sooner or later but right now I don't feel like I am ready to take that step! Just starting to touch on these feelings has set off a emotional roller coaster, the nightmares are back full force, the little sleep, the flashbacks and the new memories. I have figured out that the abuse I survived from my abusers isn't nearly as bad as all the feelings surronding it!!!! My T called me last night and I told him what was happening and why I am feeling like this, first I didn't think he was ever going to call after the way I acted on Sunday, and yes I told him about the door, he said that he consulted his colleague and it is the little girl that is in control now, my emotions are steming from her, not me as an adult. I know this, I told him but I cannot stop it. So he said we are going to work on helping that little girl over the next sessions.....that scares me just as much......how does that happen???

Maybe Stefano is right, that his frustration means he cares, I thought I pushed him away, everyone else I have ever trusted as an adult has hurt or left me, so why would he be different. He says that it is ok, to feel, to talk about it, to be angry at him, but it is not OK to hurt myself. But when the pain is so strong, I self medicate or cut or drink or all three sometimes........that is where he is angry with me!!

[debbie_tabor]

Hi c4e, I'm glad it's working out with your therapist. It should be OK to fight with your therapist but it's easy to think all is lost after something like that. I feel like I know something about depression and wanting to die, but I'm a bit lost when it comes to abuse issues, beyond knowing that it must be EXTREMELY difficult reliving it all. Have you thought about posting on Survivors of Abuse to see if anyone can help you with how to approach the therapy, how fast to go, what to expect with helping your little girl? There is a thread on 'do you ever get over abuse' which might be helpful. Maybe there are survivors groups where you live where you can be with people who have been through the same thing. It's always good to have someone know exactly what you mean and where you're coming from, and it could be extra support between seeing your T.

I do understand the cutting/drinking/self-medicating though I don't think I've ever felt the degree of pain you have (but hey, why compare!) Obviously your T does care about you.

I hope your sessions with your little girl work out, I've no idea what's going to happen there!!! Let us know. And we're always here to talk to when you're in pain!

Debbie